It didn't really hit me until Monday.

I'd spent the rest of the weekend after everything essentially collapsed cooped up in my room, with only brief interruptions for bathroom and snack breaks, which were few and far between. My appetite had vanished, even the thought of bacon- bacon- made me nauseous, and the thought of doing anything other than sleeping was exhausting, so sleeping the rest of the weekend away it was.

Being awake meant that every time I closed my eyes I'd see Eva's face, or Savannah's face, my brother's face, Reese's face. All twisted with hurt. All staring at me with that same, pained look drowning in their eyes, trained on me, the one who caused it all, the one responsible.

And so I just slept.

I would've spent Monday continuing to cocoon in my blankets if my mom hadn't barged into my room and ruthlessly ripped the covers off, her face stubborn, but with hints of maternal concern betrayed in her eyes. Still, her finger pointing towards the much-needed shower was all business. Wasting away swathed in my comforters had been deemed not an option, so school was an inevitable that I couldn't escape.

School- forced between four walls with all of the people that probably wanted to gut me and then some. I'd hadn't seen or heard from anyone, and now we were all going to be forced to play peers.

The linoleum tiles and scuffed, burgundy lockers were the same as I'd left them on Friday, but everything else was different. The air tasted different. Unlike every other day I'd stepped through the double-doors, this time, trudging down the hallways, I was alone.

My fingers gripped tighter to my cellphone, brimming with text after text to Eva and Savannah, paragraphs of apologies, spills of my heart, but not one text back. To Reese, I hadn't said anything. I didn't know what to say. Every time my fingers hovered over his name, his face would flash before my eyes, so betrayed, and every word I'd ever learned evaporated.

As I pulled my jacket tighter around myself, I looked up to meet those same amber eyes. For a moment I paused, heart leaping into my throat, stomach dropping through the floor, but just as quick as they borrowed my gaze, they were gone. Reese turned, face cold, giving me the time of a complete stranger, and then his back was turned to me.

My lips parted, as if to say his name, but then pressed tightly together. There was nothing to say. This was all it had been leading up to anyway- stranger passing in the halls, only faded, distant memories.

And it was just so my style to burn every bridge that I'd ever built.

The rest of the day played with much the same rhythm, cold eyes averting away from me, suffocated in my own thoughts, those involuntary tears always just heartbeats away. Savannah and Eva both continued their ice-cold ignorance to my existence, and I was left wandering the halls like a lost ghost, gravity pulling too hard on my chest.

Tuesday and Wednesday continued in much the same fashion, painfully crawling by, my senses to reality deadening with every passing second.

Relief came when I finally trudged through the front door and back into my house. My plans were simple: quick detour in the kitchen, pick up some crackers, and return back to my blanket fortress where I belonged, as I had for the past couple days. Being a functional human being was a thing of a past. The hermit life had become the life for me.

When I swung the cupboard door shut, I jumped slightly to find that my brother had materialized out of thin air.

"You're seriously depleting our cracker supply. You can't live off crackers, you know."

He leaned against the dishwasher, arms crossed over his chest, eyebrows raised. The dark circles under his eyes were a little more pronounced than usual, the chaotic mess of brown hair echoed of multiple finger run-throughs.

I arched a brow. "Says you?"

"Says science."

I shoved a cracker between my lips and waved him off. "Science can kiss my ass."

It was the most we'd exchanged since I'd had my manic breakdown. I didn't know what happened after I had crawled underneath my covers and tuned out the outside world. I'm sure they both gave him that look, that she's-your-younger-sister-go-fix-it look.

There was an undeniable curiosity written across his face. I could tell he was studying me, analyzing my movements, gaging his next move. Usually it pissed me off. Now, I was just too tired to care.

"I'm pretty sure science will eventually kill you if you keep it up, then," he said, still not moving, still just staring. "I think that's a battle you're gonna lose."

I scoffed, hard and humourless. "Oh no, I die. Who cares? Not like I have any friends to come to the funeral. I mean, none that don't hate me."

The melodramatic words had a bitter taste in my mouth, but like most things, my lips moved faster than my heart and I'd grown too exhausted to even begin to regulate them. The point had been abandoned. It wasn't like I was still actively trying to convince myself that I wasn't rotten. Those times were long gone.

Chris drew a sigh, emphasizing the hollows of his cheeks. "Oh come on, you know that's not true."

I turned to him, and those betraying tears that had grown this terrible habit of stinging my eyes every time I took a deep breath returned with a vengeance. "Yeah?" I asked, my voice strained. "What, haven't you heard by now? Didn't you get a front row seat? I'm a monster, Chris. I hurt people. That's what I do."

As the words that had been plaguing my thoughts for the past couple days touched the air, I felt my knees grow weak. I didn't trust them to hold my weight, and so I leaned back against the counter and slid down to the tiled floor, dropping the crackers and hugging my knees to my chest. I'd given up trying to hold back the tears, that now streamed down my cheeks with abandon, the salt soaking into my skin. All too familiar sobs began to climb up my throat.

I heard a sigh from Chris, who crouched in front of me, eyes searching for mine. "What are you doing?"

When I blinked up at him through the tears, puzzled brows knitted, he was staring back at me with an unreadable expression. It took me a moment to piece together his question.

"Um, crying?" I guessed haphazardly, sniffing.

"Crying over what?"

I wiped my snotty nose against my sleeve, still confused. "Because I'm realizing I'm a terrible person?"

Chris nodded, shrugging. "So?"

My head pulled back, eyeing my brother with pure bewilderment in my teary eyes. "What do you mean, and so? So? I don't want to be a terrible person? I hate it?"

He was nodding again, his face irritatingly casual. "So stop being a terrible person."

I felt my eyes narrow, his too-simple answers beginning to grate on my nerves, and hugged my knees tighter against my chest. "It's not that easy, Chris."

He blinked. "Why?"

I huffed, the annoyance brewing within me. "Because it's just- it's not, okay? I lied to them- my best friends, for months! Who does that? And I- I said some really bad things. I mean, low-blows. Like absolutely shitty, terrible things. Like I always do. Because I explode, and I say terrible things as an extension of being a terrible person. Because I have the emotional control of a six year old, I don't know. It just happens."

Chris shifted, but his inquisitive eyes continued to burn into me, demanding answers. "Why does it happen?"

I threw my hands up, a frown twisted on my face. "I don't know, okay? It just- it's like, when I'm hurting, I immediately have to make everyone else hurt. And it's terrible, and I shouldn't do it, but I do. And I hate it." My words fell into a low murmur and I averted my gaze to the tiled floor, finding his face to be too much.

"So what are you going to do? Cry about it?"

I caught his gaze, brows pinched, still sniffing. "Um, yes? Precisely? That is exactly what I plan on doing? Forever?"

An inexplicable grin broke out across his face, crooked and cheeky. "See, that's where I'm gonna have to stop you. You're a Sandavol, and we might be a lot of things, but we're not quitters."

I shot him a look. "I don't know where you're getting this information. I am most definitely a quitter. Let me quit."

Chris sighed, reaching to give my knee a tight squeeze. "Listen- most of the time, you're not completely terrible, okay? You say things you don't mean, and sometimes you punch things you shouldn't punch. And you know what? It's shitty. You're a lot of rough around the egdes. I think you might be all rough edges, really. But you know what makes you not completely terrible?"

I sniffed again, regarding him warily. "What?"

He grinned. "Instead of sitting here crying about whatever, doing nothing, you're gonna get up, you're gonna brush yourself off, and you're gonna work at doing something. Because this whole woe-is-me pathetic Stella thing, I'm not buying it. And you shouldn't either."

I took a moment to process his words, searching his face, his smile never faltering. I shifted, doubtful. "But- I tried to apologize, they're ignoring me. I don't know what I can do," I admitted.

Chris shrugged. "I don't care, you're doing something. Now get up."

He rose, straightening his legs and offering an expectant hand down to me. I eyed it warily for a moment, but then sighed, shrugged, slipped my hand into his and allowed him to pull me up. It was strange, I couldn't remember the last time I'd cried in front of him. When I was younger, punching things and running to Chris with tears in my eyes was a regular occurrence, but that had been years ago.

"Why are you being so nice to me? I mean, shouldn't you be mad too? I sent dad away again. It's my fault, and he's your dad too," I murmured, reluctantly meeting his eye as I chewed my bottom lip. "I basically stole dad away again."

He shrugged again, radiating nonchalance. "He's the one that left- not you. You just get the point across for the both of us. He's staying at a hotel for the next two weeks, but whatever you choose to do, you know I'll always back you up."

I blinked. "But I'm always so mean to you."

He grinned, as casual as ever. "That doesn't mean you're not my sister."

I took a moment to drink him in, my brother. I didn't know if it was the way the light pouring in from the window caught his face, or the way he ran his fingers through his hair, smiling, the ever-present reassurance, but he seemed older. There was a tinge of maturity to his face that I never noticed before.

New tears welled up in my eyes. "Chris, I love you."

He waved me off, face twisting. "Gross, this is not where we're going. No, Stella, stop with that face. Stop. I said stop it." He pointed a warning finger in my direction, face hard. "We are not doing it. Nope. I refuse."

I nodded my head, a manic, watery smile breaking out across my face as I threw my hands in the air. "Yep! We're doing it! We're hugging it out!"

His jaw dropped, a horrify look crossing his face. "No, Stells- stop it. Stop this right now. We are n-"

Chris took a few cautious steps back, but I quickly murdered the distance as I threw my arms around him, capturing him into a bone-crushing hug with a grin. He protested, trying to wiggle free for a moment, but then slowly accepted his fate. I felt his sigh against my shoulder, and then he gave me a quick, noncommittal pat on the back.

"I regret everything," he grumbled.

I pulled back, holding his shoulders, the smile still on my face. "Thanks, Chris, really."

He rolled his eyes, but when he caught my eye, the slightest quirk upturned the corner of his mouth. "Just stop with the hugging."

Feeling a presence, I turned to see my mom standing in doorway, hands clasped together and hiding the grin spread across her face. "My babies."

"Nope, done here, so done, and I'm serious about the crackers, stop eating them. They're mine. That's the only reason I did this. For the crackers," Chris insisted as he threw his hands up in the air and retreated back to his basement lair, leaving both myself and my mom like two smiling idiots.

I wiped my cheeks with my sleeve, taking in a deep, shaky breath. I knew my options were limited, I knew that there wasn't much I could do. The intricate knot in my stomach hadn't completely untied, still tight and heavy underneath my ribcage, but the apathy was beginning to dissolve. I felt a little lighter, the horizon a little more promising.

There were a lot of things I knew I couldn't do at the moment, but there was one I knew I could.

And so I strode in the school hallways the next day with purpose. My tears had dried up, my back had lost its hunch, I walked with a sense of purpose.

Swallowing my fears, I took a deep breath, and looked him straight in the eye.

"Let's hang out on Friday night."

Tyler looked up at me, that freckled nose and those deep brown eyes, before a smile slipped onto his face. "Yeah, sure Stella, sounds like a date."

***

i actually really like this chapter? i was totally not planning that whole chris moment but then chris came out of no where and was ADORABLE? thank u chris.

also, i'm super happy that a lot of you guys just got the last chapter. like exactly what i was trying to communicate. if not- i hope this chapter helped. i know it's not what you guys wanted, ahaha, but there's still chapters to go! i lied before, this is looking more like 39-40 chapters now, i lied. c: but chapters will probably be quicker 'cause I AM SO PUMPED! also 305k what?

I HAVE A LOT TO SAY. now, give me tyler date predictions: GO! (predictions are to me as bacon is to stella)