Like most things in my life, gracefully was not how I dealt with my problems. Less sugar plum ballerina, more three-legged ogre on fire. Dealt also used quite loosely, considering when I accidentally locked eyes with Reese in the hallway or across our lawns or basically anywhere, my immediate reaction was to escape as if I'd been set on hot, hot fire.

     That is to say, less than subtle. About as subtle as a jackhammer to the face.

     Since that moment, the moment I had been so frantically trying to repress from the second I stepped away with wet lips and a throbbing pulse, we hadn't exchanged anything other than a few passing glances. He'd tried, called my name, started toward me, but he was always two steps behind and then I was gone.

     If anything, my immaculate getaway skills were getting a mighty fine workout. Eat your heart out, James Bond.

     When I heard Savannah call my name in the heat of midnight, I'd jumped to my feet, feeling Reese's piercing gaze trained on me as I bolted toward the girl. I'd reassured her that I was fine, smiling sheepishly and scratching the back of my head, desperately ignoring the thrashing of my heart against my ribcage. She didn't question it, asking if I was okay since she'd heard some unsettling things about Isaac, and we left. And I never looked back.

     No one said a word about that night.

     A week later, I could still feel Reese's eyes burning against my back, no matter what I did, his gaze lingered. When I closed my eyes, I could still feel his breath caress my lips. His touch whispered against my skin, his voice murmured in the crook of my neck, his palms travelled across the small of my back. I couldn't forget.

     A frustrated sigh climbed up my throat and I rolled onto my back. I was sprawled out across my bed, eyes opening to glare at the ceiling, directing all my anger at nothing. That intricate knot formed once again in my stomach, the one that had made its residency since Reese's mouth brushed against mine.

     I thought, or well, hoped my emotions would sort themselves out, give it a little time and the right answer would shine through like a lighthouse in the fog of chaos, but it didn't. Sense had ditched me long ago. And as I tried to combine logical thought and that moment, all I got was a discombobulated mess that gave me a headache. It was if someone just proved to me that the sky wasn't blue. The grass wasn't green. Everything I knew was wrong.

     A part of me wanted to just blame the alcohol, flushed cheeks and loose morals and generous lips, but it wasn't that easy. The lie felt cheap behind my teeth, and as my eyes fell shut again, I couldn't deny that it wasn't that simple.

     If it was that simple, I wouldn't be running so desperately from it.

     Melissa's word echoed in the back of my mind, seemingly a lifetime ago, when I had so casually laughed in her face, dismissed her with a wave of the hand, grinning. There was no point, girls like us, they always thought that they were the ones, the ones that could change him, but they never were.

     But I couldn't possible think I was one of those girls.

     He'd kissed me because I was a mouth and he was drunk, probably. I'd decided that his feelings were momentary and skin-deep, only propelled by booze and poor decision making. He'd made such a loud and obnoxious fuss about Savannah, he couldn't possibly have switched gears this late on.

     And I, well, I couldn't stand him. That was what I knew. Reese Powers was the worst, the Antichrist, everything I never looked for in a person.

     There was a part of me, a miniscule, tiny voice that said, maybe I wanted to try it again? But a louder voice told me what I already knew: this was how Reese operated, this was his bread and butter. Getting naive little girls to fall for his tricks, then leaving them lost and lonely as soon as dawn broke.

     I grabbed one of the pillows beneath my head and smashed it against my face, groaning loudly. The hurricane of thoughts that had set up home in my mind showed no signs of slowing down, whipping away so carelessly, haphazardly, ripping my sanity to shreds.

     Just as I was about to fling myself out the window, my name echoed through my room, the tone belonging to my mom, and I sat up. Any distraction from myself was greedily welcomed, and so I followed the voice down the stairs, delighted by any interruption to the masochism that was my life. When I stepped into the kitchen, I found both my mom and brother standing there, a pinched look to their faces, eyes studying me, wary.

     An unsettling sensation crawled over my skin as I saw their eyes fall over my shoulder.

     I swallowed, tilting my head. "What?"

     "Hey, champ."

     As the gravelly voice floated past my ear drums, familiar in all the wrong ways, my muscles immediately tensed, jaw clenching. The fury that I had seemed to forgotten returned with a vengeance, licking up my ribcage, crawling up my throat, itching behind my teeth. The copper taste of betrayal seized my taste buds.

     I turned, slow, to face the man I had almost forgotten. His face was the same, aged, with deepening crow's feet and laugh lines, telling of all the years that we'd spent apart. He was almost a stranger, and yet, his light eyes were reflected in mine, a genetic connection that burned more than skin deep.

     "No."

     My fists clenched beside mine and I took a step back, shaking my head. "No, no, no, I said I wouldn't do this. I told you- I told you, what the fuck is this?"

     My gaze whipped frantically to dart between my mother and brother, who both flinched at my heated glare, offering no explanation. I could feel the adrenaline bubble up in my veins, narrowed eyes demanding an answer, refusing to look at the man that stood before me.

     My mom sighed, a tired quality permeating her breath. "Stella, if you just took a breath and listen-"

     "That doesn't answer my fucking question."

     A frown deepened on my mom's face, from my choice of words I knew, but I couldn't bring myself to take them back. They hung in the air, my breath coming up shorter, chest rising.

     "Stella, don't talk to your mom like that," he chastised me, brows furrowed.

     At his voice, I turned my attention, landing on the face that only seemed to exist in my memories, and yet, there he was.

     "No, no, you, you don't get to do that. You don't get to be a fucking dad. You made your decision, you left, you made your bed, now you can lie in it and leave me the fuck alone. You gave that up. You made that fucking decision," I growled, feeling my tense fists shake underneath the pressure, unconscious tears springing to my eyes.

     "You're being overdramatic, Stella, I-"

     "Guess what? I can be whatever the fuck I want, because I'm damn well not your daughter anymore."

     Before he could get another word out, I shoved past him, the air in the room too thick, too hot, suffocating me. No one said a word to stop me, and so I stalked out of the room, feeling my skin burn, the undiluted fury flaming hot in the pit of my stomach. I could feel my eyes brimming with tears, but I refused to let them fall. That would mean he'd won.

     "I told you it was a bad idea," I could hear my brother say behind me but I barely paid it any mind, my mother's pained face just an afterthought as with all my force, I slammed the door shut.

     I couldn't believe that they ambushed me, hoping for, what? That I would say that everything was swell, dandy, that I had been lying through my teeth before when I said that I would never speak to him again? I couldn't hold many things, but the feeling in the pit of my stomach when we'd come home to find him gone, that devastated look on my mom's face, Chris' sobs weakly muffled by his pillow- how was I supposed to forget that?

     Another frustrated groan slipped passed my teeth and my fingers itched for some sort of release. The red was eating away at my vision. My limbs burned with restrain. I needed to punch something.

     "Stella?"

     I turned my head to see Reese standing there, eyes wide and something like concern drowning in them. His Adam's apple pressed against his skin and dipped as he swallowed. For a moment I was lost in the movement.

     "Are you- are you okay? I heard the door slam and you look- uh..."

     His sentence trailed off, and my eyes rolled over his face, all the questions that had spent a week brewing within me clambering to the tip of my tongue. My face pinched. My pulse quickened.

     "Why?"

     He blinked. "Why what?"

     I threw my hands up in the air, teeth gritting, veins burning. "Why are you even asking? Why does it even matter? Isn't it over- anyway? Go! Go fuck Savannah, I don't care. Go! That's why we've been doing this, isn't it?"

     Reese was stunned by my words, lips parted in disbelief, amber eyes wide and running over my face, digesting my words, searching for answers. "I don't know what you mea-"

     "Exactly that! It's over! The lying, going behind everyone's backs, plotting, spying, it's over! We've reached the goal! Go fuck Savannah! I don't care! Isn't that why we did this in the first place? You get with Savannah, I get with Tyler, we're so smart, we out-smarted everyone, didn't we? We won!" A dry, humourless laugh trickled down my tongue, and I threw my hands up in the air again, a static, dead grin on my face. "We won!"

     My stomach was turning in on itself, invisible hands sliding around my throat, getting bigger, pulling tighter. I watched as Reese flinched, just as my brother had, as if they'd both been slapped in the face by my words, a distinctive hurt written over their features. But I couldn't force myself to take the words back. I never could.

    "Are you serious?"

     The higher, girlish voice was like a charge of cold water down my spine. I watched as Reese's eyes fell over my shoulder, growing wider. I could feel my body tense up again, just as it had before, another tsunami of emotion crashing over me.

     My head whipped in the opposite direction to see Savannah and Eva standing in my driveway. Savannah eyes were large and wet, a hand hovering over her mouth, drawing a soft gasp. Eva's face next to her was hard, eyebrows furrowed, lips quivering. I swallowed as she sneered at me, dark eyes narrowed and venomous.

     "I-guys," I stumbled, feeling the heat in my body evaporate, replaced with a touch of frost in my veins. "I-"

     "I knew it!" Eva scoffed, pointing a shaky, accusing finger in my direction. "I knew it! I knew you'd been lying to us! Savannah kept defending you, kept saying that I was crazy but I fucking- I knew it! This entire time! You've been lying to our faces!"

     I could feel myself begin to crumble, my knees wobbling underneath my weight, growing weaker each second, the gravity of everything pulling me down. My throat tightened. The oxygen dissipating from the air, causing my breath to come in short gasps. "Guys I didn't mean-"

     "What? You didn't mean everything you just said? And to Savannah- seriously? Savannah? The only one who has been defending you this entire fucking time?"

     Eva's words were like a sucker punch to the stomach, winding me, drawing out all the oxygen from my lungs. I felt disorientated as the world began to spin around me. Savannah's eyes continued to burn into me, crystalline and watery.

     "Why are you guys here?" I asked, my voice barely breaking above a whisper.

     "Because we heard that your dad came, and like good friends, we came to check up on you. Seems like you're fine without us. C'mon, Savannah, let's go," Eva spat, cherry stained lips pursed in disgust, as she grabbed the blonde's wrist and tugged her back toward the car.

     Savannah followed obediently, hurt written across her face. I watched as she opened her mouth to say something, pulling back, looking over to me, but Eva merely tugged harder. The blonde and I locked eyes, but I couldn't bear her gaze for long, and looked back down to the grass. A cool breeze bit into my skin, tousling my hair, and then they were gone.

     My heart had leapt into my throat, pressing hard against my esophagus, and my pulse was throbbing in my ears. A deafening silence flooded around me. The tears that I had been trying so hard to choke back began to pool involuntarily, stinging my eyes.

     "Ste-"

     "Fuck off, Powers," I sneered.

     "Listen, I just, I'm here for you if you-"

    I turned to Reese, tears streaming down my face, fists tense, everything saturated in red. "Did you hear me, Powers? I said: Fuck. Off. Fuck off. Why don't you just fuck off, go be the spineless, shitty human being you've always been. Isn't that what you do? Pretend to be everything that everyone wants you to be? Right? Well here's a thought: I want you to fuck off. So go do that."

     There was a moment of quiet, Reese staring up at me as if I had just slapped him in the face, eyes wide and drowning in disbelief. The pain was reflected all over his face, punctuated by the thin line of his mouth, but the words just hung there, echoing, marinating.

     His voice was raw. "You don't mea-"

     My jaw clenched and the irritation imploded within me, burning my stomach acid, exploding in my veins. I stalked toward the porch, my body moving on it's own, my thoughts secondary as my fingers wrapped around one of my mom's flower pots and then hurled it in Reese's direction.

     He ducked, barely missing the projectile and regarded the broken ceramic and dirt with shocked eyes. The crash echoed in the air as everything shattered. He cast me one last look, unreadable, and then retreated back inside. My fingers were still shaking, my breath coming in short gasps, the weight on my chest only growing heavier and heavier. My cheeks were streaked wet, and I could feel the tears relentlessly run down my face, everything crashing down, heavier, and heavier, and heavier.

     I managed to crawl back inside and up the stairs, back into my room. As the events replayed in my mind, I felt my fists itch again, and couldn't stop myself as I met knuckle to drywall, breaking through, a decent-sized hole appear consequently. My skin broke and my knuckles blossomed with blood and pain.

     For a moment I eyed the hole, my fingertips brushed along the edges. They used to decorate my room, the holes, the remnants of my anger. Six of them I was pretty sure, before Savannah, Eva and I had decided that I was finally going to turn a new leaf. We'd patched them all up, painted over them, a new beginning.

     And there I was. Just as I had been before. Nothing had changed.

     Except everything.

***

plz don't throw things at me.