7.3

When I wake up, I feel like I'm dreaming. I try to blink the fogginess away but my eyes never quite focus on the room around me. I'm a daze all the way through rubbing my face and waking up. I raise my arm, still heavy and half asleep, to block out the sun. It's then that I see the ugly, purple bruises on my wrist and last night comes back in flashes.

        The tears are in my eyes before I can even get out of bed. I'm a mess all the way through the quiet house, holding in the sobs so I didn't lose control of myself. Trevor's death replays in random sequences along with the memories of last night, mixing them all together into one giant, haunting mess.

        I don't know where he is, but I find Adam passed out on the couch and do my best to avoid waking him. The last thing I want is for him to see me.

        When I have the bathroom door locked behind me, I cover my mouth and lean against it, trying not to make a sound while I cried. I let myself break for only minutes before putting myself back together in front of the mirror. I wipe the tears from my eyes and wash my face. There's so much more I want to do to rid the memory of last night, but I can't bear to stay in the house any longer.

        I want to go home. And right now, the only one I have is with Reesa.

        My hands shake as they brush the mess of hair away from my face. I'm teetering on the edge, ready to fall apart at any second. My reflection shakes as I open the mirror. Inside the shelves are sparse, except for a few pill bottles. I halfheartedly read the descriptions before stuffing a handful in my pocket and a few in my mouth. By the time I'm bundled in my jacket and opening the front door, I start to lose feeling in my feet and hands.

        Auto-pilot kicks in before I make it past the first block on the way to Roman's apartment. I'm thankful that the pills heat my body, bracing me against the cold, blowing snow. It falls down in swirls, landing in heaps on the roads. Even the sidewalks are covered and the powder falls into my combat boots. By the time I make it to the apartment, the streets are just beginning to be cleared and the sun is just starting to wake up the city.

        The elevator threatens to lull me to sleep as I go higher and higher, causing me to close my eyes. I'm daydreaming, playing inside my mind when the lift suddenly shudders and the doors open to the new floor.

        My boots clunk against the carpet all the way to the door. I knock but try the door anyway, praying to whoever decides my fate that Reesa is home. It buckles but doesn't move when panic tries to kick in. I bang on the door a few more times with determined effort but no sound comes from inside.

        I sink against the door until I'm slumped on the carpet. There was nowhere else for me to go and I was too dazed to force myself to move again. My eyes close of their own accord and I drift softly into the numbness of unconsciousness.

        "Piper."

        You get what you deserve.

        The memory pulls me down until surface fades out of sight. I let myself drown in it, in Trevor, in last night, in everything that's ever hurt me. I'm ripping myself apart inside but somehow I keep breathing.

        I loved him.

       "Piper?"

        He tore me to pieces and yet I still miss him. I'm still sorry he died. I'm still guilty.

        A hand on my shoulder forces me to open my tired, red eyes.

        "Oh, Piper."

        Roman could never possibly look more beautiful as he did to me in that moment. His hair was a shaggy mess falling just over his forehead, matching mine. He stared into my eyes, bent on one knee in front of me on the apartment hallway carpet. His face was a little tired too, but more than that, it was covered in concern.

        I opened my mouth to say his name but it got caught in my throat. Instead I burst into tears and he picked me up in his arms, holding me tightly into his chest while whispering my name between my sobs. I'm sure he wanted me to say something - anything, even. But I couldn't get any words out.

        "Hey." Roman brushed my hair back and forced me to meet his gaze. Outside, the sun was setting through the window, casting us in it's orange glow. "Are you hurt?"

        I shook my head because even though I felt like I was dying inside, I wasn't physically in need of any medical attention.

        With that answer, Roman let us into his apartment and set me gently on the couch so he could return for his bags. It was clear that Reesa hadn't been home since I was with her the night before and I was glad. I didn't want to see her while I was still angry with her for the night before. There was no fight left in me for her.

        Roman bent down in front of me and rested his hands on my knees. He looked so sincere and worried that I did my best to stop crying. When he took my hand, it trembled.

        "Do you want something to help you relax?" he asked. When I nodded he left to his room and returned with a small pipe. I stared at the swirls of blue, white and black, mixing together through the glass as Roman pressed it to my swollen lips. He ignited the weed for me and I breathed in the hot smoke. As I held it in my lungs, he stared at me and inside I melted a little. Somehow his going away for a short time had made me feel even closer to him after missing him so much.

          I blew the smoke up into the apartment and Roman opened a window before disappearing to his room again. He started the shower in the bathroom next to it and returned to his room to sift through my bag for clean clothes. By the time I was standing in the bathroom, staring face to face with him, I realized I had stopped crying.

        "Call me if you need me, okay?" I noticed the cigarette behind his ear and knew he was going to the living room to smoke. "I'll just be out here."

        The thing about water and soap is that no matter how hot it is, no matter how hard you scrub, you can't clean away your memories. When I'm done I sit on the bottom of the bathtub, letting the shower stream over me. I wasn't ready to go out to Roman yet. I wasn't even sure of what I would say.

        My arms wrapped around my legs and my head fell down onto my knees. I was high and low and numb and broken all at the same time and I didn't know how to deal with it. My thoughts started spinning so fast it made me dizzy, and the only thing that could make it stop was digging my nails into my legs. I scratched them up, desperately trying to silence my mind until there was a knock at the door.

         Alone time was up. Now it was time to put on a tough face.

        I shivered as I left the bathroom, my hair still very damp and cold. Roman was leaning against the wall to the kitchen, staring out the window and over the city. He looked so sad, yet so beautiful. It made me scared to disturb him.

        "Are you hungry?"

        "No," I said softly.

        "Tired?"

        I closed my eyes for a brief moment and then nodded. "Yes."

        Roman took my hand and walked my slowly to his bedroom. He pulls back the covers and gently grabs me by my shoulders to set me down. It only takes a moment before he rests his forehead against mine and closes his eyes. For a few minutes, all we do is listen to the sound of our breathing.

        Suddenly he's looking at me again, in the way that makes me feel completely vulnerable and naked and strangely kind of beautiful. He's trying to figure out what's wrong. Trying to see in my eyes what's happened to leave me broken when I had been perfectly fine and intact when he had left.

        "Piper," he whispers. His lips are only a breath from mine but I know he won't kiss me, won't cross the line when clearly I'm upset. So I stare at him, into those stormy, ocean eyes, and try to talk myself into doing the one thing that could reassure him.

        I feel used; untouchable. No matter how intoxicating he is, or how high I'm floating, I can't shake the heavy feeling in my heart that I'm starting to sink. I need to listen to my head for once and pull away. But no matter how many horrible things my mind yells at me to try and get me to stop, none work.

        My hand grasps the soft fabric of his grey t-shirt as I press my lips to his. The kiss is gentle and warm and for just a moment, it's light takes some of the darkness away. I feel ready to soar, better than I've felt in weeks, months, even. And then I realize that Roman isn't going to kiss me back.

        I keep my eyes down as I pull away. He doesn't say anything when I untangle my fingers from his shirt.

        "Piper," he whispers.

        I'm already turned away from him when he starts to pull away from me. I can't do this right now.

        "I'd like to go to sleep now," I reply quietly.

        He stares at me openly, talking to me without moving his lips. I know he wants to say more when he stays for a few moments, waiting for me to say something.

        "I just don't think now is the right time."

        "Okay."

        Roman sits on the bed beside me and runs a hand down his tired face. For a long time he's quiet, not saying anything and I wonder if he's deciding that I'm not worth the time anymore. Then he asks me the last thing I want to hear right now.

        "I need you to tell me what happened, Piper."

        I know I have to tell him. If not now, eventually. And I know he's not just asking about today, or last night, or while he was gone. He's asking about before I knew him. He's asking to know about my past.

        "I'll tell you." I meet his eyes. "I just need some time to rest."

        "Get some sleep tonight," Roman says, before gently touching my shoulder and leaving to turn out the light. He keeps the door slightly open and wanders back into the living room, probably to process the whole situation he knows nothing about.

        Even underneath the soft, down of the blankets, I get goosebumps along my skin. Only it's not from the cold - it's the fact that I'm alone again, left vulnerable to my thoughts and memories.