chapter song - I didn't change my number by billie eilish

I stare at the redhead blankly as the cat attempts to crawl all over me until it decides sitting next to me on the bench with a paw extended out to rest on my leg is adequate. Tally has the most comical look on her face and I'd laugh if this wasn't feeling like some weird time travel into the past. Tally clears her throat, brows raising as she glances over me.

"She wasn't lying about you, then," she mutters under her breath.

I sigh. "You live together, don't you?"

Tally jumps, not realizing how loud she'd spoken. "Who?"

"Franny, dumbass," I say.

"Okay," Tally sticks a finger into the air. "We are not in high school, Tyler, and so you cannot call me childish names anymore. I have a degree, which means I had enough confidence to be in debt for the rest of my life in exchange for a piece of paper declaring my intelligence. What do you have?"

"A degree and no debt."

Tally blinks. "Fair play."

She looks at the cat who stares back at her and sighs, stepping up to the bench and grabbing the animal before it runs off again. She slumps onto the bench beside me and sits the cat on her lap, hands hovering at its sides. "It's Franny's cat," she says. "He ran out the front door and then somehow went - in what I can only assume is goddamn feral mode - and got down the stairs. I still don't understand how he did it. Little asshole."

"So you almost lost Franny's cat."

"But we're not going to tell her that, are we?"

I huff a laugh. "Scout's honour."

"Sweetie, we both know you wouldn't have made it as a scout," she says.

I grin at her and relax back into the chair, the sting of my shoulder slowly fading into the background. "So, Toronto?" I ask.

Tally shrugs. "I was working as a child therapist for a while," she says. "Bunch of different countries. Germany, Australia for a bit. It was a lot though. Way too much actually. I needed a break and got back in touch with Franny this year so decided to come see her."

"Got back in touch?" I frown. "You weren't...?"

"Ah, no. We lost touch a couple years after high school. Different counties, too much going on," she sighs. "Sometimes things just fade."

I nod but can't help wince. When we were all friends in high school, Franny and I decided that dating wasn't going to work with both of us going to different colleges in different states. We broke up at prom knowing that we eventually would stop keeping in touch and we too would fade away. But to hear that Franny and Tally - best friends that could never be separated - had also lost each other was surprising. An unexpected and unnecessary shot of guilt runs through me. It's stupid to think that I could have been anything for her but part of me imagines what it could have been if we never broke up. If we tried to stay together. Even just tried to be friends.

Would everything have worked out better?

What would our lives have looked like now? Maybe I wouldn't even have been in the NFL. Maybe I went on to do something else. Or maybe I still played football. And maybe when I angled my body the wrong way, and was pummelled to the ground, twisting to the right and letting the impact hit my shoulder. Maybe when I came out of the hospital and was told what my future would be - that there was no future in football now - that there would have been someone waiting for me. Someone I wouldn't go off the rails around. Wouldn't have drunk myself to sleep every night. Wouldn't have wasted my money because at that point, nothing mattered.

I wonder what life would have been like if there was someone there who mattered.

If I had mattered.

"I heard about it," Tally says, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I frown. "About what?"

She tilts her head down. "Your injury. Some of the people I was rooming with were super into football. Watched all the games. They watched..." she winces, chewing on the side of her cheek. "Sorry. That's...sorry."

"S'okay," I say. "Gotta deal with it eventually, right?"

"Are you?" she asks. "Dealing with it?"

"Honestly I don't even know what that would look like. How do you deal with everything suddenly disappearing? How do you deal with knowing that you're basically obsolete now? That I will forever have to be careful about what I do with my shoulder and arm. That I'll have to keep rebuying shoulder braces until I'm old. How the hell is this my reality now?"

I sigh. I sigh so deeply that it feels like all the air caught in my chest is finally releasing but there's no relief. There's no relaxing. Everything is tense. It always has been and it always will be at this point.

"Hey, no one said you had to be perfect while recovering," Tally says. "If you didn't go off the rails a little, getting angry at the world and screaming at it for days...well I'd be more worried that you'd never tried recovering at all. That you were just lying to save face."

"Maybe saving face would have been a better option," I say.

Tally shrugs. "Maybe. But we don't always choose how we react to things. You're not a robot, Tyler. People shouldn't blame you for being young and human."

I smile gently. "Therapist, right?"

"Well, as I said, mostly with kids," she laughs gently and pets the cat's head.

I nod my head towards the feline. "So, you're probably not gonna tell Franny that you almost lost her cat in the middle of a city."

Tally pouts and stares down at the cat who quickly looks away, staring at people walking by. "The guilt of not telling her will eat me away."

"Can't keep a single secret from her?" I scoff.

"Oh," she rolls her eyes at me. "Like you would be able to either."

"Whatever," I grumble but a smile is tugging at the corner of my lips.

"Kind of a coincidence, right?" You coming here while I'm visiting her," she says. "Franny told me you're like a block away too."

"Pretty creepy coincidence honestly," I say. "Gang back together."

A soft smile falls across her face and she shifts her grip on the cat. "Um, did you...keep in touch with Ethan at all? After high school? We never really...well we never really managed to stay in contact. I couldn't find him online or anything."

I give her a tight smile. "He deleted most of his social media. Not that the old man was ever using them in the first place. But he uh...he joined the army, Tal."

"Army?" she chokes out, eyes widening before she catches herself and smoothes out her expression. "Right. I didn't expect him to do that."

"Yeah it was pretty soon after high school. His dad was an army guy and basically drilled into his head that he won't fully make something of himself if he doesn't sign up. I thought I managed to help him think differently but, out of nowhere he went."

"Is he still out there? In the army?" Tally asks.

My chest tightens. "I haven't managed to get hold of him in a while. But I did manage a few years ago to see where he was. He's been discharged from the army for years."

"So he's back in America?"

"I don't know," I say honestly. "I can't find him. But, he was let go from the army because of an injury. His whole group was out and hit a bomb. His leg was injured badly. That's all I could get."

Tally's eyes widen and a concerned frown pulls at her face. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. "That was years ago?" she asks and I nod.

"Wish I could get back in touch with him honestly," I say.

Tally nods, smiling gently. "Yeah, it would be nice. Know if he's okay, at the least."

The cat decides that's the moment to interrupt us and reaches over to drop half of its body onto my lap. It lifts itself up and begins to push its paws down onto my thighs over and over again.

"Uh, what is it doing?" I gently try to shove it off me.

"He wants to sit there," Tally says.

I stare at her. "Okay, well it can't?"

"Why not?" Tally pouts. "He likes you."

I stare down at the cat who pays me no mind and is still trying to knead my damn thigh into a memory foam pillow.

"Can it stop that?" I ask.

"He's trying to get comfy."

"Okay, I need him to not get comfy on top of me because Franny is probably going to eventually realize her cat isn't home."

Tally almost shoots up from the bench, balancing herself and looking around, frazzled.

"How did I forget that?" she hisses. "Oh my god, she's going to actually strangle me."

She reaches over and picks up the cat who lets out a sad noise that I throw a disgruntled look at.

"You deserve it," I shrug.

"No I do not!" Tally gapes. "And we are not going to be sharing that the cat was with us during this wonderful conversation, okay?"

I salute her and Tally looks like she's about to reach out and slap me only to realize she's holding an entire cat. I grin.

"Alright, well. Have fun on your coffee play date or whatever you're both gonna do," Tally says.

"It's not a date," I grumble.

Tally raises an eyebrow. "Speaking of which." She adjusts her hold on the cat and tilts her head slightly. "Just...just remember that it's been a long time, right? Don't necessarily go into this thinking that either of you will immediately go back to how it was in high school. She's been through a lot these last years and she'll never say it, but it's affected her."

"I'm not going to-"

"For you as well," Tally cuts me off. "I love Franny. She's my goddamn sister and I never want to see her hurt. But I also don't want her to hurt you either. You'll never admit it either but you both have fragile as hell hearts. Please protect it."

I blink at her, shifting in my seat before gently nodding.

"I know people weren't there for you," she says. "When it happened. I know people left you. People you thought were your friends. And I know you had all your dirty laundry aired out for the whole world to see when it all happened. I'm talking to you as someone who has known you since we were growing up. This could be good, Tyler. We could all be really good for each other. You two especially. But don't get your hopes up. And please protect yourself first. Because I'll be the one protecting her."

I breathe in a sharp breath. Well fuck, it's been a long time since I've felt like someone's actually given a shit about me. Outside of my parents and Kyle...it's basically been radio silence. A small smile warms up my face and suddenly my whole body feels warm too. I nod, standing up.

"Noted," I say hoarsely.

She stares at me for a moment before sighing, a soft smile gracing her face and she steps forward, reaching out to hug me. I note that she doesn't put any pressure near my shoulders, probably unsure which one is injured. I thank her a million times over in my head.

The cat headbutting my chin ruins the moment.

"Please take Franny's cat home," I say and Tally laughs, giving me a little salute as she begins walking away, glancing back briefly to wave.

My chest feels so heavy and warm and I'm overwhelmed by how at peace I suddenly feel just from being able to talk with someone I know. The weight hasn't been lifted off my chest but for a short moment there, it wasn't crushing me.

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