Chapter 54

That next morning... was so awkward.  We got up and got ready for the day - me for school and him for work.  And it killed me because I just wanted to talk to him and tell him I was so sorry.  That I was sorry and was such a bitch that didn't deserve anything from him.  I shouldn't have put my walls up like that so aggressively.  I at least should have respected what he said and said I need some time or space....  I should not have yell at him and made him feel like shit.  But it freaked me out what he said, and I was still feeling shaky knowing he loved me when I woke up that morning.

I tried getting ready fast.  Not because I didn't want to be near him - though that was very tense, I will admit.  But because I wanted time to talk with him hopefully before he heads to work and before Ramper picks me up.  I knew he probably wouldn't want to talk though.  I stole glances out of the corner of my eyes when I was  putting my hair in a bun as he was rolling up his bed and blankets in my closet.  His face looked... torn.  He held a blank and hiding expression.  And Luke never met my eyes, always looking down with a scowl, not saying a word to me.  It hurt me, yes. But I knew I deserved it and more.

I kept checking the clock as I got ready.  And I had a good ten minutes to spare by the time I was done.  I noticed Luke was taking his time though - probably on purpose.  He wanted to keep himself busy getting ready until the last second where he would have to rush out the door.  I hoped that wouldn't happen.  I planned for it to not.  I needed to see him and talk for at least a moment before we left.

I was sitting in the living room on the couch after I was done getting ready.  Waiting for my ride... but more importantly waiting for Luke to come down and head to work.  When he couldn't avoid it anymore, he came down.  And I watched him as he neared the front door to put his shoes on.  I looked him over... my heart aching.  Because I loved him so much and I felt sick this whole time, knowing I hurt him.  I wanted to hug him to me and kiss him and tell him I loved him back.  It all seemed... like too much and like I would be making a mistake if I did that though.

Dressed in his tan uniform, belt wrapped around his waist, it was soon hidden after he also put on his police uniform jacket.  Looking up to his face though as he slid it on after his shoes, I saw his face blank and eyebrows dipped in hurt, even as he tried avoiding my stare.  And I couldn't take it any longer.

"Luke," I said in a breath as I stood up and walked over to him from the couch.  The first word said between us today... and there would be more, I would make sure.  That one strangled word would be the start.  Because we needed a start, especially from me who pushed him away and shut him out. 

He didn't look up as he grabbed the keys on the little table next to the door.  By the time I reached him though, I stopped him from going out the door.  I gripped his arm and held him back, moving my body around him and to the door. My back to the door as I looked up at him, gripping his arm, I begged for his eyes to meet mine.  And... he wouldn't. His eyes were down and to the floor between us and his body was tense.  Face still blank and it drove me crazy.  I know I deserved the pain and this sick feeling in me though. I deserved that pain I inflicted on him.  I was all that stood between him and the door and I prayed he wouldn't fight me on that.

"I need to go to work," he finally mumbled when I wouldn't move or let his arm go. 

"Would you please look at me," I said in a small and sorry voice.  Biting my lip, I watched his eyes that were down stay that way.  But I waited... and needed him to look at me.  I needed to talk to him before he leaves.  It was eating at me and he needed to know I didn't mean to be such a bitch to him.

When his eyes finally looked up and met mine for the first time since last night, my heart jumped.  Because that color made my knees weak and I loved him to death.  But his eyes... they showed me more than blankness.  Pain and anger.  Pain and love and sadness.  "I need to go to work.  Please move," he said in a flat voice.

"I can't," I said into his eyes.  "Look, I need you to know how sorry I am.  I'm so sorry," I whispered and my voice broke with it.  "I'm such a bitch and I'm sorry."

His eyes held mine deeply and searched my eyes.  And... it really fucked with me because I couldn't tell what he was thinking.  I couldn't be sure of his expression.  Just open and searching but not giving.  "What's that suppose to mean?  You're sorry for what?" he asked calmly.

"For shutting you down like that.  For blocking you out like that.  For getting mad over something that I know is so wonderful.  But I just... I was shocked.  And I know I should have seen it coming but I didn't.  I didn't and I don't know how to react with that type of stuff.  I'm sorry... because I know you love me now," I said, voice breaking.  "And I couldn't say it back last night.  I just need some time... because I'm not use to this stuff.  And I know I don't deserve time from you but that's what I need.  And that's not your fault.  So I'm incredibly sorry because you didn't deserve anything that I said!" I spoke in a rush, knowing we didn't have much time.  I just needed to say that. 

He sighed deeply, searching my eyes carefully.  He looked more curious and questioning after I said that then relieved to hear an answer.  I didn't blame him.  I was curious myself about what happened considering I don't know half of it myself.  I was that confused.  After all, a lot of this was instinct, to run away from his love.  But I couldn't pinpoint some of it.

"Why are you so scared?" he asked in a soft voice, eyes appealing in mine as I felt his arm raise that I wasn't grasping.  His hand brushed my arm, and watched me carefully.  "Is it just because of Clare never loving you?"

"That's part of it," I nodded.  "But it's more than that too.  The idea of love... is just so frightening.  I'm not an emotional person because I don't like feeling weak.  And though I feel strong when I'm with you and stuff... I don't know, I just feel like I would be trapped and I would trap you especially."

He didn't push for anymore.  And not because he got the most clearest answer.  He needed to leave for work and it hurt knowing he wanted to leave and not be here with me.  I knew that.  Because he looked anxious and hurt but at least a little more understanding and not as angry.  He sighed and bit his lip, staring down into my eyes.  It made me hurt... because I realized we wouldn't easily get passed this.  It was obvious from the look in his eye.  And it was clear with how reluctant my heart still felt, even though I knew I loved him. 

He took a step back from me, sighing as he glanced over to the clock on the wall.  He needed to go....  Work was waiting for him and my ride to school would be here soon.  For me in school though, I knew it wouldn't be a productive day.  Because though I was just happy I got some of what I said off my chest, it didn't help us much.  I still felt like a bitch - and would for a long time I knew.  It sunk into the pit of my stomach, that hollow sickly feeling.  An anxious feeling. 

I couldn't explain it. Now that I know he loves me... I felt on edge.  Knowing how much I wanted to tell him back.  It was torture because I just couldn't... and it made me nervous that he wont have the patience for me.  He loved me... still such a shock to my system!  But if I kept him waiting, who knows, it could fade for him.  He was pissed as it was.  What if he didn't want to wait until I was ready to tell him.  Hell, what if he just didn't want to deal with this shit.  I sure didn't want to deal with my issues with this because they were hard to get in my head.  Why would he want to deal with it?

"I need to go," he nodded down to me.  He pursed his lips - and must have seen a large form of distress over my face.  He licked his lips and grasped my arm gently, even if it wasn't genuine.  I looked into his eyes carefully.  "Listen, I'm pissed off.  But..." he swallowed and looked hurt.  "I love you.  I do.  And... you need to figure out what the hell is going on.  I don't mean any offense to you, but I'm not looking forward to some petty relationship of questions and drama over love.  I'll be ready when you are."

I scoffed.  "You think I'm up for some teenage drama over this shit?  I am not."

He offered me a small smile at my words, happy to see I understand right to the spot.  But I could still see that the humor he had wouldn't take us far when there was still tension and little time left to talk now.  "Good,"  he nodded.  "I hope you can figure this out," he said calmly and nodded, taking a deep breath and he gave me a tight smile, reached around me.  He grasped the door handle.  I moved out of his way and sighed as he offered me one last - but tension filled - look as he walked out the door.

I knew this would be a long process.  But like we agreed, shit wasn't going to get stupid over this.  Neither of us were looking forward to petty and stupid drama; that wasn't needed.  It would be handled maturely and with time.  I wasn't going to try to rush myself.  But I could already feel my need to try to accept that I needed to give in to him.  It would just take a little bit I knew.

***

About a week passed... and it was just as awkward as it had been a long time ago.  I didn't let it get to me.  But it did suck, not being able to really talk with him much without feeling sick.  I was progressing though I suppose in that week.  I started to try to come to terms with all he said, with what I needed to do to make this work.  More importantly in that week though, something great happened.  And all thanks to Francis again.  I owed him everything. 

Luke gave Francis the money to pay off this Pauly guy.  And it went smoothly, the pay off.  But for that day and the next after that, I felt sick for a different reason besides my issues with Luke.  I suppose that was because of the amount of money he paid to keep them away and off our backs.  I felt guilty but I knew it would be worth it.  It made me feel worse because it was just another example of Luke doing whatever he could for me.  And what do I do?  Shut him down.  I felt so guilty... but I was working with myself on it, no matter how retarded and weak that sounds. 

Now, besides dealing with my love for him, all we had to do was wait until the ground was thawing.  And we realized how much of an agonizing wait that would be.  After all, we lived in the house with a devil bitch.  And we needed it to stay as calm as possible with her.  Just wait.  And who knows when that could be, it all depended on the weather.  So until then, I was concentrating on my school work.  How boring is that?  I suppose it was better than getting shot at.  However, a lot of the time, that was debatable when you deal with Block-Head Ramper everyday at school.

"You know, I don't even need to be here.  Nobody is after you anymore. Plus, it's official.  Franny boy just delivered the money.  So there is no reason I have to waste my time and company here at this shitty school with you," he said, pouting where he was sitting next to me.  I suppose I should have seen that coming though.  Ramper was being an annoying ass the whole day thus far.  And I kept pushing him because of it.  It's a usual day for us now.  How sad is that.  Even more sad considering this was only first hour.

But he was right and I did agree with him.  Francis did deliver the money and everything was basically all set with the gang, all settled.  They wouldn't be coming after me again.  So really, the only reason Ramper was still coming to school with me was just to be safe.  I debated constantly whether or not that was even worth it with an asshole like that always around.

"You act like I want you here.  Please leave," I said, gesturing towards the classroom door where kids were still filing in from.  Glancing up to him from my side, I groaned and rolled my eyes at him.  But lately in this class, he wasn't all I was annoyed with.  Thanks to Mr. Cox's decision to switch up the assigned seats today, I was now near the back.  I wonder who the lucky ones will be that get to sit around me.

Turns out, I was the unlucky one.  The most obnoxious air head in the class got to sit right behind me.  Not to mention, he sure liked to always stare at me for someone who has ADD and can't sit the fuck still.  He was hyper, annoying, and snotty.  The perfect guy I'd like to slap.  It wasn't five minutes into Mr. Cox's lecture that the dude started to annoy me.  He stared at me enough; I shouldn't be surprised.

"Psst," he said and I knew he was leaning forward in his desk to hiss in my ear.  I flinched and could feel my face scrunch up in aggravation.  "I heard I can come to you if I want someone murdered.  And I have an offer..."

I rolled my eyes and ignored him.  And it was shit like this that makes me so ashamed of my own generation and peers.  I felt ashamed to be among them.  Just a bunch of dumb fucks to say the least.  Like this ass wipe behind me.  He wasn't finished, which wasn't a surprise.  Instead of saying anything, I felt his touch on the back of my neck.  Of his fingers sliding up the strands that were held tight in my bun.  But I was finished with him and turned around, annoyed.  Usually, I don't confront them; they aren't worth the time.  But I wanted to break his finger today.

I turned around in my desk and grabbed his hand before he couch snatch it back and glared into his eyes.  Pursing his lips, I narrowed my stare and hissed into his innocent blue and wide eyes.  "I suggest... you back to hell off.  Or your grubby little hand that just touched me will be broken.  Capiche?"

He swallowed and nodded, giving me a small and surprisingly shy smile.  It looked nice on him.  Lets hope it stays that way, right ladies and gents?  When I turned around and tried concentrating on what Mr. Cox was saying, I felt Ramper's eyes fall on me and could tell he was amused about what happened, which wasn't too surprising.  After all, he liked to see me suffer.  Sadist. 

Cox was preaching the concept of... something.  It was always hard to figure out what it exactly was he was talking about.  Usually I just see the formula on the board and go from there.  Which is what I planned doing with this.  But as he spoke and I started to listen, my thoughts were instantly distracted.  By a feeling of a hand planning in my hair again... God, just like a fucking 3rd grader.  Sighing, not in the mood like I wasn't everyday, I started to turn around to hiss at him again.  But before I could, Ramper turned around before I did.

I turned around and my eyes grew as I sat there, staring at Ramper as I saw his hand grip the kids arm.  It made me raise a brow, certainly.  I didn't understand what Ramper was doing.  Looking at him, his body turned like mine to face the boy in the desk behind us.  He didn't look happy or amused any longer.  And to be honest, it was quite shocking to see - and awesome.  Maybe he will make him shit his pants somehow.  Boy would that be a sight!

"What are you doing?" I smiled slightly, seeing Ramper's grip.  He didn't look up to me but stared into the boys eyes.

"Hello.  My name is Gerald.  But you call me Ramper," he said casually, and it made me laugh quietly, not to draw attention.  Mainly because Ramper was trying to be serious.  But when a cop starts out like that, it's just funny.  "And we will become very close friends, and not in a good way, if you keep messing with her," he said in a light tone. And if I wasn't so shocked by his action I would have chuckled again.  Even more, I would have said to the boy, 'Sounds like you found yourself a fuck buddy' but I didn't. 

The shaggy haired boy with blue eyes looked a little scared.  But was soon back to the attitude he wanted to keep up.  He shrugged his hand away from him and Ramper let him go, staring at him hard.  And all I could do was stare at Ramper, not believing this. First being that his first name was Gerald - Ha - and that he was doing this for me.  For me.  He hated me so what the hell was he doing?  The boy hissed back to him under his breath so Cox didn't hear.  "I'm not afraid of you or this piece of trashy ass," he narrowed his eyes at Ramper. 

"Well you better be.  She will kick your ass.  And I wont stop her, little sir.  Because you are getting on my nerves and hers," he said, throwing a thumb in my direction to indicate me.  Little sir... that was just great.  I was more impressed just by the fact that Ramper was sticking up for me.  It was even strange that it wasn't something bigger than this.  All he did was touch my hair.  He's seen much worse and did nothing.  So what the hell was this about?  Did he find Jesus or something?

The kid rolled his eyes when I looked back over to him.  He met my eyes and then Ramper's again.  "Whatever," he chuckled, putting his hands up in surrender.  "All I did was touch her hair.  Jeeze.  Sorry if you're a paranoid fuck for her," he chuckled. 

Ramper rolled his eyes and leaned closer to him from where he was staring at him.  "I'm not stupid, dipshit.  If I didn't say anything now, you would have just harassed her until I did.  All I've heard in this class is your annoying loud mouth.  Keep it shut," Ramper said, turning back around in his chair and facing the front where Cox continued talking, none the wiser.  I nearly laughed and wanted to hug him.  It was just so kiddish for a cop to say to him and it was awesome at the same time, knowing he did that for me. 

I didn't say anything to him for the remainder on the hour.  It wasn't until the bell rung and everyone left that I needed to say something.  And I couldn't brush it off either, even though it would be uncomfortable to thank him.  When everyone stood up and left, he did the same, standing and waiting for me too.  When I did and got my things together, walking side by side towards the door, I stopped him before he went out into the noisy hall.

"Ramper?" I asked quietly, already blushing.  God.

"What?" he sighed, stopping and turning to face me.  Eyebrow raised, he looked like his annoyed self again and waited, eyes in mine. Arms crossed, he waited as I stared at his annoyed face.  Ugh... did I have to say it?  He looked just like the ass he was before.  But I wanted to anyway. "Well..." he pushed.

I sighed and gave him a genuine nice look.  Sighing I said, "Thank you for that," I mumbled.  "I didn't expect you to do that."

He tried defending his bitchiness and mean attitude towards me.  "Well, he was annoying me too.  Don't make me sound as if I care that much," he said, and I saw the hint of a smirk cross his lips.  "Because I don't," he said, stressing that with his eyes.

I chuckled.  "Okay, then," I shook my head as he urged me out of the room to head to our next class.  And after that, we were back to our bickering and constant insult that seemed more comfortable.  But I wouldn't soon forget what he did.  He finally defended me, even if he acted as if he didn't.  I would be thankful for that.  Even if I still took great pleasure out of watching him deal with school life here. 

***

I had no homework today.  Now, wasn't that just a bitch, folks?  I needed something to distract me - from Luke and the agonizing wait until Spring.  And each day sucked waiting.  I hasn't been long at all since we found out where Emily was buried around.  And ever since that, it just... pushed at my soul.  To go and dig her up, even though I knew I couldn't.  We needed a plan and we needed the ground not frozen.  It would take a long time and it's only been like a week.  So distraction was my friend at the moment.  And when I didn't have homework, I resort to something even better: my buddy Jack.

I played with him when I got home from school - which I was happy to be alone.  Luke gave orders to Ramper to not leave me home alone if he dropped me off and he wasn't home yet.  But apparently, some family emergency came up for him and I told him it was okay to go.  I could handle staying home on my own for, what, an hour?  They weren't after me anymore and Luke would be home soon.  So I didn't feel unsafe being alone.  Luke is always home before Clare lately anyway and nothing was going to happen either way.

So, I was laying down on the couch.  I ran my hands along my happy puppy, whose tail wouldn't quit wagging.  He was laying over my chest, his beady sweet eyes looking down into mine.  His soft paws resting on the skin of my neck, I smiled up to him and petted him... until I raised one of his toys - a green cute fuzzy alien.  I had it hidden behind my back but as I slid it out of from under me... I slid it up my side.  Then towards my chest.... then I made it visible to the sneaky Jack.  At seeing it, his eyes grew and his tail stopped.  Now it was serious for the little guy.  He's been after this thing for a whole five minutes until I calmed him down.  Now... his friend was back and in sight. 

"Oh," I sighed dramatically, and Jack looked back to a smiling me. "Is this your friend?" I whispered to him.  "Is this... your little toy," I said in a light and exciting voice.  I raised the toy over my head and Jack was instantly off, jumping up over my body to grab it before I laughed.  "Ohhh!  Jack get it!" I said and threw the toy off towards the kitchen.  And I sat up slightly the moment I say my dog jump down and scramble to get it, laughing at his fast little legs moving. 

When he tackled the green alien in the entrance of the kitchen, he grabbed it with his teeth and shook his head back and forth before proudly escorting the escapee back toward me.  Laying down on the couch, Jack jumped up on me and made me grunt at the power of his excited jump up onto me.  Laughing, he rested the green toy on my chest and took a step or two back.... wanting to grab it.  he was ready to pounce it the moment I grabbed it. 

That never happened though.  Just as I was playing with Jack that moment, I heard a noise come from my right... and I looked over to the door opening.  I ran my hands along Jack, petting him and preparing for what I knew would be an awkward moment.  After all, Luke and I were still not good, even though I apologized and he said I had time to figure stuff out.  So when I was preparing myself to see him walk through the door, I got a dose of something else. 

Clare. 

I didn't expect her home.  At all.  It wasn't even a possibility.  She was barely home by dinner and I didn't expect her now.  But she was here before Luke now, and it made my heart speed up.  Jack seeing her come in, grabbed his alien toy and jumped down from the couch, running upstairs.  Oh how I wanted to go with him.  I didn't know what to expect with Clare.

"I figured I led a good life, Satan.  Why do you come to take me to hell?" I ask sarcastically, sitting up and was on edge.  I don't recall the last time I was alone with her like this.  Just me and her in the house.  And it was uneasy.  She was either going to hurt me maybe or ignore me. 

She came in and took off her shoes... and the scary part was that her eyes were on mine the whole time.  With a crazy look in her eyes.  It would have been so much better if she adverted her gaze... but nope.  She straight pierced mine and it made my heart jump.  Her eyes nailed, and her lips were flat.  Her whole expression was as she shrugged off her coat to and hung it on the rack

"Hello, my darling daughter," she said in a monotone voice when she came back to face me.  Standing there... and staring at me from where I was now sitting up on the couch.  I nonchalantly moved, not wasting any time if she went all ape shit on me and back to her original form as an animal.  I stood up and started to head around to the stairs, not wanting to be around her. "Albany?" she called in a charming voice. 

"What?" I sighed, heading up towards the stairs.  I stopped and turned around, looking at her and waiting.  Her arms were crossed and a new look crossed her face: disgust.

"I want to talk with you," she said, walking over to the chair besides the couch and sitting back into it.  Looking... relaxed.  Not threatening but I knew better than to buy that crap.

"You want to talk?" I scoffed, amused.  "Do you even know how?" I asked, crossing my arms and staring at her.

"Oh yes.  And it will be essential if we want to settle all this.... civilly.  And without violence," she said in a warning voice.  And I knew today wouldn't end on a boring note, that's for sure.

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Thanks to the ninth snow day this winter, I am able to post this chapter today :)