Chapter 31

When we got to the house... I was paranoid, you could say.  Just coming from a mental hospital, you can bet your ass I was not taking my guard down until I felt completely secure - which at this point I was convinced was nearly impossible.  Just because they saw Clare leave the house when Luke screamed at her to get out didn't mean much to me.  She could have still came back.  I learned not to make that mistake.

Shannon was prepared too despite how sure she was that Clare was gone.  Luke, according to Shannon, was also paranoid before too.  That's why he gave Shannon his pepper spray off his belt before he went in to get me out of that shit-hole.  They came prepared was all I could say.  Even more so I noticed after we pulled to a stop in my driveway.  Shannon opened her glove box and produced a pistol to me.  And though I was shocked and confused as to why she had a gun to begin with and why she was giving it too me... it made sense.  She explained to me that Luke left it for me for protection for whatever reason - whether Clare was back, the gang was here, or anything.  He must have been worried by the fact that he wasn't with me.  Why else would he leave me a gun?  Target practice?

Either way, it allowed us to enter my house with more confidence that we could take down Clare if she was here.  But like we figured, she was nowhere.  We checked the entire house and it was obvious Clare wasn't here.  She actually stayed away like Luke demanded from her for the night.  All that did was make me question what would happen tomorrow.  What would happen now? Our plan had to have been blown after that.....

I couldn't deal with that at the moment though.  I needed to take in everything, relax as best as I could manage (which wasn't well), and just breathe.  Just breath and let the seconds pass.  I could do nothing else.  I couldn't think at all until Luke came home.  And he better come home.  No, he will come home.  I know he will.  He promised me and I saw it in his eyes how dedicated he was to getting back home to me. 

After we searched the house for Clare, I finally felt maybe a percentage of the tension in my body decrease - just a small percentage. We were standing in the livingroom, facing each other.  And when our eyes met, hers gave off quite a meaningful look.  Of sadness and... maybe even pride.   

Shannon put down the pepper spray on the coffee table but I wouldn't put down the gun, which I noticed she was uneasy about but as well as understanding.  I didn't trust anything around me.  And though I was inexperianced with a gun for the most part, he showed me some basic knowledge and how to do it.  That's all I needed to refuse to let it go.

"You know, you can relax," she said, more than once now, eyeing the gun I still held.  "And... maybe put the gun down.  I'm not going anywhere until Luke gets home.  I'll be sitting on this couch and ready for anything."

This time, I didn't protest when I saw her take a few steps closer towards me.  Looking her over, she looked a bit cautious at what she did but I didn't stop her.  She was freaked out enough I suppose.  She stood before me and looked into my eyes with a sympathetic look as I felt her fingers brush over my tense and clenched ones over the gun.  Eventually, she managed to pry it out of my hand without much of a fight from me. 

When she slowly  took the gun from my hand, I only still continued to stand there, in almost a numb state.  I just stared at her and saw she was getting a bit more uncomfortable.  Probably because she didn't know what to do for me.  Most likely because she was scared for me too.  She understood the toll today took on me.  And yes, it was only a day in that place.  When I woke up in the morning, it was the same morning Francis claimed he thought Luke was guilty for thinking about me while having sex with Clare.  It was the morning I went to school and Clare got me... everything happened today.  That alone was hard to accept because it felt like the longest time since I last was asleep... oh god, sleep... that sounds so good.

"Albany," she said slowly, backing a few feet away from me with the gun until she could set it down gently on the coffee table.  I only continued to stare blankly at her.  Did I feel unsafe without that gun in my hand?  Yes.  But I knew nothing would happen to me if Shannon would be on guard this whole time, with a gun now too.  I was sure that wasn't Luke's intention.  He just wanted me to have it in case.  But not as the only thing holding my being together.  I guess it was for the best she took the pistol from me.  "It's been... a very torturous day for you.  Worse than I can imagine.  I will be here," she said, putting emphasis on that last part.  "Nobody is going to be coming here anyway besides Luke. Because he will be here, do you understand?" she asked me softly.

I felt myself faintly nod.  "Yes," I whispered.  "I know he will be.  But Shannon, no matter what you say, I wont feel safe and totally secure until he gets here, no offense."  Pausing for a moment, I took a deep breath, trying to calm my still shaky nerves.  Instead, I noticed the smell that radiated off me.  Of that place....  I was wearing the hospital's uniform they gave me and it absorbed the smell of that place.  Of shit and sickness and everything that would make your nose tingle in discomfort.  "I um, I think I'm going to go up and take a shower now," I said slowly.  Though the memory of that place wont fade, if I continue to smell it on me, I might lose my mind.  Hell, it already felt as if I was half way there.

She pursed her lips and nodded.  Her light eyebrows still dipped in distressed worry over me, her eyes were gentle still.  The only thing I noticed change was her body, which became slightly less tense when her shoulders lowered in a relaxing manner a bit.  I assumed she was happy I was cleaning up.  Either because she could smell me too or because it was a sign I wasn't so scarred, I couldn't do anything.  Probably both. 

By the time I got ready to go in the shower - and properly acknowledge Jack since when I got  home, he wasn't what was on my mind - I never was so excited for a shower.  I wanted Luke here, I wanted Clare dead, I wanted to feel safe... but a shower was what consumed my focus.  Of course, that's not including the building memories of the day in my head.  It all started to come back to me.

I grabbed my clothes from my room, the most comfortable I had consisting of baggy grey sweat pants and a black camisole like usual, and headed into the bathroom across the hall.  And with each second as I got undressed, threw away the clothes I had on, and let the water run hot, I felt it coming.  Building up and up and up until it would come.

When I stepped into the shower and felt that massaging pelts of water hit my bare skin, it started to rinse my body of any sign of where I was today. It felt so good... damn.  I felt myself sigh and close my eyes at the wonderful feeling of the water pouring down me.  And when I tilted my head up, and let the water run through the strands of my hair to my back... I broke. 

I felt relief with this shower.  Now, I couldn't stop the other form of relief I wanted. 

I tilted my head back down and without opening my eyes, I felt myself almost on instinct take in a hard gasp.  It filled my lungs with power, with energy, to let it all back out. However, the breath out was cut off by my uncontrollable break in voice, lips, and control.  A sob erupted from the back of my heavy and infected throat.  And as I began to cry like I wanted all day... I felt my body almost want to crumble in place. 

My mind was racing with everything that happened today.  But not only that but rather everything in my life I kept pent up.  I mean... why?  Why did this have to happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this?!  Oh my god, they locked me up, put me on display like they would in a zoo.  I was an animal, I am an animal.... And for what reason?!  What fucking reason was there?  What did I do wrong?  What did I do wrong with my life?  And why... just why the hell can't Clare suffer for fucking once? 

My stomach began to shake as my sobs grew more violent, more uncontrollable.  The water rinsing my body, it washed away the tears that I started to shed.  But that feeling was still there... that hard and thick feeling in my throat wouldn't rinse away with the tears as I leaned up against the side of the shower wall for support and cried.  Cried my fucking heart out with all that's happened today... everything.  And that was a lot for one fucking day!  One day!  And she still managed to break me down, one way or another. 

My bare side pressing against the shower wall, I felt chills run over me from the cool feeling.  It didn't last though with how hot the water was becoming.  I felt my cheeks were flushed heavily with my sobs and the heat raising from the hot water and steam.  Soon though, I became engulfed within that steam like I wanted as well as myself.  My stomach was shaking even worse and I couldn't help myself.  I was already holding my bare stomach with one hand pressed tightly there, as if trying to hold my stomach in place before it falls apart.  With every second, it felt that much more impossible to prevent; I let my body slide down the side of the shower I was leaning against all the way to shower floor.  When I didn't need to support myself in any way.  I could just sit there and let it out, just like I wanted.  Like I needed to. 

The water still pelting down at me in hot spurts of relief, I pulled my knees up to my chest as I was sitting there.  My loud sobs became muffled when I rested my forehead against my kneecaps, my arms wrapping around my bent legs.  As if I needed to hold all of myself together. All in one tight ball as I cried.  Cried over Luke, over him not having the life he wanted anymore because of all this bullshit.  Because of me.  Because I had to drag him down with me because I'm the stupid fuck who is allowing it.  Now... now I just wanted him home.  Safe.  And not in trouble because of me.  Because of Clare.  For putting me in that fucking prison!  I could have died in a couple hours if he hadn't come!  My doctor would have split me open for pure enjoyment... pure enjoyment!  She put me in there to die.  She knew, she knew it!  She fucking knew it too and... and there is nothing I can do about it!  I can kill her and that wont be enough!  My whole life she did this but, but nothing like this.  Like torture!  They would have tortured me to death in there.  I would have died with no second thought... like how the owner died when Luke shot him.  With nothing but anger aimed at me.... Jesus Christ!

I know I am a person.  That I'm better than any of this.  But it felt so damn good just to cry over everything terrible that happened.  I sat there... with my voice releasing busts of huffs and cries, loud sobs, one after another.  The sound echoing in the shower rang with the sound of the tiny beads of water breaking against me or on the shower floor by me.  My hands seemed to tighten around my knees that were pulled up against my chest as I cried harder.  Until my stomach was sore and throat was thicker than ever. 

I had to guess that I sat there sobbing and letting the relief sink into my skin and bones from the hot water for about thirty minutes.  I was happy I was able to let it out after how much it all built up in me today.  Over what they did... I'll never get over that.  Over what was planned for me, but more importantly, over my gut retching worry for what might have happened to Luke.  It felt better, it really did, after I sobbed like that.  It's been so long since I've did something like that. 

But after I knew I didn't need to cry anymore, I didn't.  I stood back up and shampooed my hair, making sure every ounce of that place was gone from my body.  It felt so good... not only to cry but to get clean.  It would feel even better to fall asleep.  I know I've said it enough, but guys... you have no idea how tired I was.  Scrubbing the shampoo then the conditioner in my hair, my nails massaging against my head, just that made my eyelids droop at the amazing sensation it gave me.  However, once I was done and got out of the shower, my thoughts began to travel again... to everything all over again.  To Luke.

Sighing, I wrapped the towel around myself and tucked it under my arms after drying my body off well enough.  Taking a deep breath, I let the slightly colder air brush against my body since the warm water no longer protected me from it.  But my main concern came with the paranoid feeling of my hair.  That it was down and I hated it down.  Even after just getting out of the shower, I felt vulnerable still.  This whole time I felt weak and vulnerable since they admitted me into their zoo.  Since that sick fuck made me take off all my clothes - and get rid of my necklace and the band that held up my bun. 

My hair has been down all day.  From that point to now, I still didn't feel safe.  I didn't like the feeling, as if exposed and unsafe.  So, when I walked over to the sink and the mirror and wiped away the clinging heat from the cool glass, I took myself in. My eyes still ringed slightly red and my hair soaked and hanging down.  The first thing I did was brush it out from towel drying it and find one of my hair bands, putting it up my hair a very tight bun before doing anything else.  I couldn't care that my hair was still very wet.  A bun was needed right now.

After that, I dropped my towel after making sure the rest of my body was dry.  I slide on my comfy clothes and took one more deep breath.  I opened the bathroom door and headed downstairs, ignoring the even colder air that hit me.  And once I reached the last step and was in the living room, I saw Shannon was just sitting there, staring blankly from the couch to the ground.   Upon my entering, she looked up at me and gave me a sad but supporting smile.

"How do you feel?" she asked me, looking me over and now seeing I was clean and in better clothes.

I sighed.  "I feel better.  I think I'm going to get something to eat then head up to bed."  After all, I didn't eat anything all day.  I was starving even though that wasn't the center of my thoughts from before.

Her face changed instantly at hearing that.  Eyebrows shot up and her jaw down slightly at realizing something.  "Oh god, I forgot you didn't eat!  Here," she said as she quickly stood up.  Her eyes were sorry as she spoke to me while I stood beside that couch.  "I'll go make you something right now," she said and it looked like she literally began to run towards the kitchen.  But I gestured for her to stop before her eyes left mine and before she reached the kitchen. 

"No, no.  It's fine, Shannon," I said, chuckling slightly at her sudden urgency once remembering.  "I can handle it," I said, walking towards where she stopped and patted her slightly on the arm in thanks before I passed her and went into the kitchen.

Shannon still apparently felt bad for forgetting - even though it wasn't her job to remember - and she came into the kitchen with me anyway and sat at the table with me when I made myself some toast and had some chips. We didn't say much. She would only occasionally bring up what Luke must be doing - which, she was trying to convince the both of us - was just cleaning everything up and organizing through all that happened at that corrupt place.  Of course, I knew we both shared the same scary thoughts: what kind of trouble would he get in?

With that refusing to leave my head, I felt quite helpless. All I could do was wait until he gets home.  And I'd rather wait up in my room with nobody but me and Jack.  I knew Shannon would have been fine with that.  She really wasn't sure how to handle me, I think.  She probably thought I was experiencing some traumatic aftershock or something and wasn't sure how to handle it.  So I gave her a solution: me going to bed.

I headed up the stairs after I ate and said thanks to Shannon for staying until Luke gets back - even though he asked her to do it.  And when I got up to my room and shut my door behind me, I just stood there for a minute.  Jack, laying on my bed, raised his head at my entrance and wagged his tail at seeing me.  I could only offer a small smile towards my little buddy though for the moment.  Because I noticed something I hadn't before when I was in here to get my clothes after I shower.  My book bag from school. I didn't pay any mind to it after I set it down in Clare's car when she came and got me; I had other worries on my mind, obviously.  She must have thrown it up here after she got home.  At seeing my bag, it reminded me of something I completely forgot.

Going towards my dark green bag that was laying on the floor near the end of my bed, I knelt down and opened it, going into the little pouch where I usually kept my phone.  My hand searching, quickly found it and when I took it out, I noticed I had two new text messages from Natalie.  I already had a good guess what it would be about considering she was suppose to be my ride home today since she started driving to school.

Hey, where are you?  Did the man of my dreams Francis pick you up and forget it was my turn?

The other message just asked me to get back to her, wherever I was because she was worried.  And sighing for the fact that I didn't even want to bother, I texted her that I was fine and would explain what happened the next time I see her.  Not being in the mood to talk, I shut my phone off after that and directed my attention towards my dog.  After all, if I kept it only on Luke this whole time, I probably would have had another sobbing break down.

"Jack," I smiled as I moved toward the bed.  With the lamp next to my bed lighting up my puppy's playful eyes, I got under my covers and called him up closer towards me.  He happily did so and stretched out as I had on the bed.  And oh god, it felt good to just lie down in bed.  It was so warm and soft and comforting - and Jack made it that much better.  He seemed to always be able to make me happier.  But I still felt better with my hair being up in that tight bun and Luke needed to get home.

My head resting against my pillow, turned on my side, I ran my fingers over his fur and found him slowly inch his way up more until he was up by my neck. His tail still wagging, I smile softly as I whispered against his soft ear.  "Are you happy I'm home?" I playfully asked and in response he sneezed, rubbing his face in my covers and making me chuckle gently.  

Now all I need is Luke to get home.  I internally sighed.  I couldn't help but think about him.  What could he be doing right now?  He said he would be home... it might take the whole night but he will come home, like he said.  He promised.  Luke kept what he said to his heart: that if Clare ever put me in a mental hospital, he would get me out.  No matter what.  Now, I knew Luke would keep to his promise and come back. 

I had confidence.  But that and his promise couldn't fight the law.  What if they didn't like his stunt and they put him in jail?    He did go in there with a gun and intention.  Whether the place were breaking a ton of laws independently, that didn't stop him - a cop - from doing the same.  I could only hope he was helping with tracking down everyone that worked there, cleaning up, getting those mentally ill people the right care.... something along those lines and I'd be happy.  I just knew there was going to be something, consequences.  Anything but jail was all I could think.  Anything but jail time. 

Closing my tired eyes, wanting to drift away in the darkness and peace of silence and nothing, I couldn't.  I was so tired.  I knew I should be able to fall sleep in a heartbeat.  I was so exhausted and could feel that sleep want to drag me under.  Even I felt and welcomed it to some extent.  But I wouldn't.  I wouldn't go to sleep until Luke gets home.  And even if I wanted to, I figured out I couldn't.  My body seemed to have physically rejected sleep while so many of my thoughts were just focused on Luke coming home.  Not only would I feel safe when he comes home, I would feel so much more relief for his sake.  He didn't deserve any of this... just come home.  I know you want to.  Just come home to me.  He came and got me; he freed me from that place.  I refused to go to sleep or accept any form of relief until he gets home and has some himself. 

I sat up for hours.   Hours of just thinking about him.  About the dude I love and waiting.  Waiting, waiting, and waiting.  I just... laid there, thinking about him.  Replaying what he did over and over in my head.  How wonderful it was when I saw him standing outside of my room, holding a gun to my doctor's head.  That he would do anything for me.  He already has.  He's done so much for me and all I wanted to do was thank him.  I wanted to hug him to me and never let go.  He needed to come home.  Just come home.  You don't deserve to be punished for what you did....

Two o'clock.  Then three o'clock.  Then four o'clock.  I felt like shit and wanted to fall asleep.  But he needed to come home first. 

My thoughts were so occupied and lost, I never heard the sound of a car pull into the driveway.  I didn't even hear the front door open when it did.  I didn't hear the sound of Shannon leaving minutes later either.  I didn't even hear the sound of steps coming up the stairs - whether it was because I was just that tired or because I was just so consumed with my thoughts, I don't know.  But I definitely heard the sound of someone turning my doorknob and the absolute, almost loud and ringing sound of  my door opening.

My heart jumped at the noise that hit my ears and I felt my body shiver even though I was warm now.  I was facing the window and my wall, as I have been for who knows how long.  I was afraid to turn over though when I heard the sound of the door open.  I didn't want to be disappointed if it was Shannon and not Luke.

My eyes were wide at this point, my breath coming in faster... and I knew that I couldn't hold myself back from not looking.  Sighing shakily, I turned over from my side and to my other side as I propped myself up slightly.  When my eyes reached the now open door, I felt my entire being... erupt in waves of emotion.  Of what I've been waiting for to happen all night.

There he stood in the frame of the door.  Looking... quite alert.  His breathing was audible and it matched the movement of his chest moving up and down through the material of his uniform.  He just... stood there, tense and frozen in place when my eyes reached his.  They were a glossy moss color, one filled up high with intense feeling.  Of worry, of anxiousness, of reassurance too.  Pain.  Clear undeniable pain.   His face seemed to have paled when he saw me and I was unsure why.  It wasn't like this should be much of a surprise to him, to see me now laying in bed like I was. He let go of blocking everything out from me.  He was raw and beautiful as he took me in.  His hair was a mess, he looked spent, and still full of fire.  If this didn't show how incredibly hard his night was, I don't know what would. 

His lips were parted, breathing heavily and after just staring at each other for the longest time, I moved.  I couldn't stop myself.  There was no way I could have after waiting for him, after wanting him to be here, and after all he's done for me. I felt myself sit up when I got my senses back and didn't hesitate or pause when I grabbed a hold of my covers over me and whipper them to the side.  Moving to the edge of the bed, I slid my feet to the floor and didn't wait another second to go to him.  I walked to him as swiftly as I could towards where he stood in the doorway and threw my arms up and around his neck.  Pressing against him with a force, I felt a pathetic whimper release from my lips I couldn't help when I hugged him to me. 

He felt so good.  Oh my god, he was so warm!  I held on to him tightly, my arms around his warm neck as I buried my head into the crook of his neck.  My skin  coming into contact with his, I felt a new warmth spread over me.  His scent hit me and I felt myself moan slightly at the tingles he as a whole sent over my body.  I felt him, his presence, wrap around me in comfort and I was so grateful to be able to hold him to me like I was.  He felt so good against me.  His body that was frozen before seemed to now unlocked itself and give into me.  His body relaxed and took mine in with welcome, with open arms.  And in the next second, that's what happened.  His arms slid up to my sides and wrapped around my back, holding me even tighter against him.  Step by step, he let himself take me in too.  His head bowed and he rested his chin against my shoulder.  And though I was covered in warm clothes and he had his uniform on, it felt so intimate, that hug that I felt trembles run over me.  Pushing him more against me, I felt his hard breath against my neck and gasped at the feeling.  Like a chemical that could paralyze me from how wonder he felt.  

One of his hands on my back moved up more towards my neck until I felt his fragile fingers grasp my head from just below my bun, pressing me into him even more as I felt him even give off a soft and shaky gasp of his own.  Eyes closed tight and taking him in, I felt my hands around his neck tighten.  And for the longest time, we stayed like that.  Hugging each other and not showing one sign of loosening our grip.  All I could think... was just thank you.  Thank you, thank you! 

"You came for me," I managed to get out of my breaking voice.  I wasn't sure where those words came from but I accepted it as astonishment and a way to thank him.  "You came for me," I whispered against him. 

I felt him swallow before he said anything to me.  I could only feel his fingers sprawl wider and held me more against him.  "I promised you I'd do it.  I'd do anything for you," he said and I could feel as he spoke, his soft and warm lips brush against my neck. 

Taking in more breaths, I felt my body being controlled in tremors and I couldn't stop it, no matter how hard I tried to after that.  It was so nice to hear his voice, the feeling of his body, his words, even that brush of his lips on my neck, whether intentional or not. 

 A moment later, I felt his arms slide down to rest at my hips.  Moving away from holding myself against him like I was, needing to see his eyes again, his hold on me still burned.  My arms still around his neck, I unconsciously played with the ends of his hairs as I bit my lip, seeing the amount of emotion his eyes held. 

Sighing softly, he broke eye contact and looked behind me at my bed before glancing back to me.  "Come here," I heard him say gently as he let go of my hips and took my hand instead, guiding me over towards the bed.  He gestured for me to sit down and I climbed back in my bed and sat down, crossing my legs as I rested my back against the headboard.  He came to sit before me as well, sitting on the edge of the bed but turning to face me so I could look at him.  His eyes meeting mine, I saw he was struggling a bit with something I couldn't seem to understand.  He looked more relaxed but still on edge. 

"What happened?" I asked after a moment of observing him. 

Taking a deep breath, his hand came to rest back in mine and he licked his lips as he was about to explain.  "Nothing you need to worry about right now.  You're dealing with enough."

"Luke," I sighed, looking down to my lap and debating whether I should tell him what the last few hours consisted of.  If I wanted any answers, I knew I needed to explain.  "For the last hours since I've been home, all I could do was wonder what you were going through at that moment.  So please tell me.  How much trouble are you in?"

It took him a minute to answer - probably because he didn't want to tell me.  All that did was scare me even more.  "They wanted to fire me," he said, looking down.  As if in shame, which only made me more angry at what he did for me.  Pursing his lips, he looked back to me though.  "The sheriff said that I would have been getting off lucky if they fired me instead of arresting me.  But because we managed to find a legal way around the walls since I killed the owner, we were given the right to shut that place down.  And it was credited to me.  So they are letting me slide with only multiple restrictions.  I got very lucky."

A gust of air left me with the weight on my shoulders dropping.  Thank god!  He could have gotten locked up, fired... his life would have taken a downward spiral.  And because of me.... It was terrible to think about but at that second, my thoughts only resulted in praise over what happened.  In how lucky he got.  That he was able to come home. I mean clearly, since he came home, that meant he didn't get arrested.  But it could have still meant other terrible consequences.  I was happy he was only given restrictions. 

"Jesus," was all I could mutter under my breath.  My eyes straining in his emerald begging ones, I felt my head tilt down before looking back up at him.  With that happiness that he would be okay came the anger for it in the first place.  "I mean, what the hell were you thinking?!" I said, my voice getting louder.  "You... you were being so stupid!  Why would you do that for me?  You hit Clare, you stormed in with a gun!  You shot the owner and... just, just what were you thinking?"

I saw him tense up and he was about to say something before stopping himself.  Eyes conflicting, he pursed his lips again and looked down, as if willing himself to say something.  And though I nearly yelled at him, I waited with an open mind and sorrow filled eyes for him to answer.

"I knew what these fuckers were capable of!  I wasn't going to let them do that to you.  Clare wouldn't sign the papers; I had no other choice."

Resting my free hand on my knee, I leaned down slightly and pressed my palm to my forehead, closing my eyes for a moment.  Thinking over his words, he brought up a new topic that I didn't want to face but had to.  I offered him a small smile.  "You actually hit her?"

He scoffed, even though he didn't look proud but rather disappointed.  Even angry at the memory returning.  "Yes. I was done.  Can you understand that?"

"I guess I can," I nodded.  "It just....  What's going to happen now?" I whispered, almost scared. 

He answered me honestly and with sympathetic, worried eyes.  "I don't know.  But I don't regret it."

I raised my eyebrows at that.  I figured what he did, that hitting Clare, was out of pure anger and his temper going over the top.  That he couldn't handle himself.  It was a mistake for the fact that it probably caused her to completely lose trust in him.  She probably was on to us now, fully.  Yet, he's saying he doesn't regret that?  How?  Why wouldn't you want to take that back?  It fucked everything up again. 

"Why?"  I just didn't understand where he was coming from at all with this one.  Sitting up more, I watched him more carefully.  He took a shaky breath and focused on my hand in his for the longest moment.  Looking down at our connecting fingers myself, I was confused.  Did it feel good, to hold his hand?  Duh.  Glancing back up to him, I saw his eyes crease in hurt before he looked back up to me, that pain still freshly there.  Running his free hand through his hair, he finally spoke.

"Because she hurt you.  Okay?  And I was sick of her not getting the same treatment back."

I groaned.  "But was that really worth it?"

"Yes," he said simply.  And that was what finally made me break open my frustration.

"But why?!" I explained in overwhelming anger. Jesus, it's like we are going in circles! Moving to face him even more, I stretched my legs out before me and focused.  Before I could fully do so though, I closed my eyes before opening them and meeting his begging ones.  And they were so beautiful staring in mine, it only made me that much more frustrated - because he was so beautiful.  "Why?    So many stupid things, Luke!  I mean, why would you risk so much?  You knew what you were doing.  You went in and held a gun to my doctor's head.  You hit Clare and probably lost our cover.  Why would you do these things for me?  Just for me?  I-- I just don't understand how you can do that... for someone like me!" I yelled at him. "Why would you dare do something so stupid?!" I felt tears threaten my eyes. "You could have gotten arrested for all you knew!  This could have ruined your life!  You could have gotten fired, lost everything you had built into being a cop.  And over... over me?  Are you that stupid Luke?"

"Yes," he said instantly, eyebrows lowering and eyes fixed in mine.  "Because I'm stupid for you.  I told you!  I'd do anything. Anything for you.  I'm stupid for you because you drive me crazy!  And... you're so... you're so beautiful because of that.  So fucking beautiful and it kills me!  You deserve everything that I can possibly offer you!  Albany, when I heard what Clare did to you, I... I wanted to do everything I could to make sure you get out of there.  And I accepted it without a worry the consequences.  I hit her because she deserved it and more for what she did to you.  She deserved that and you deserved freedom.  You control every nerve in my body because every time I think about you... my mind gets lost.  I get stupid for you!" 

He was now shouting and it left my own nerves on fine points.  Every inch of me was at attention to his words.  I took every word in, every crack his voice made, and how they matched with everything his eyes showed me.  My heart wouldn't stop twirling in circles, over and over, until my breath became uncontrollable.  I didn't know what to think... how to respond.  I just knew that I loved every word he spoke.  And at the same time, it hurt me so much.  To know how much he would do for me.  That I drive him crazy and he can't stop it.  That I'm so important to him... I was never important to anybody the way I am to him.  It... blew my mind into hot sparks, hearing that come from the man I love.  The fact that he let it out.  Those signs of affection towards me and validation that he wanted me.  Even if that was incredibly hard to believe and process into my shocked system.  I never felt so cared for before by him as I did now and before I knew it, against my will, silent tears started to fall down my cheeks at how loved I felt.

I couldn't say anything.  He wasn't done either way though.  In the next minute, he moved back and fully onto my bed from where he was sitting on the edge before.  He came closer to me, inching his way up more and even over my outstretched legs.  Then, he placed one knee on each side so he was kneeling right in front of me.  Looking up into his eyes as he knelt there, over my outstretched legs, he was no more than a few inches away from my face.  My breath hitching, I wanted to advert my eyes and couldn't; those emerald and mossy diamonds filled mine. Eyebrows dipped in focus and pain on me, he searched my expression.  And at the same time, I felt his hands carefully move up and he cupped both of my cheeks.  His warm hands caressing the curves of my face, I felt his thumbs move up and gingerly brush away the tears. 

"You..." I said, trying to focus fully on him and my words and not on how close he was and beautiful all he said was.  But I wanted to know he wanted me.  I wanted to hear him say it.  Though my question would push for it, I just was curious if my assumption was right.  "You said I drive you crazy.  Why?" I whispered in a breathy voice, trying to stay level.

"Why do you think," he whispered back in answer and it made me moan slightly at how warm his words were.  As were his body so close to mine.  But it was his words that got to me and made my eyes widen slightly.  My tears were still coming either way slowly and he only continued to wipe them away with his thumbs.  But all the while, he was lost in my eyes.  And soon, I felt him lean down and softly press his lips against my forehead.  The warm feeling spread over me and I could feel the love over me through where he kissed my forehead.  And when he slowly moved back, I felt one of his hands on my cheek move down and under my chin.  He guided my head up more to face him from where he knelt up more to kiss my forehead.  My nose brushing his now, I felt his sweet breath right there... so close as he knelt over me.  And not a second later, he brought his lips down and onto mine this time. 

It proved everything to me.  He wanted me!  He was kissing me... and... ah fuck, he felt so amazing!  I tried forgetting how warm and welcoming he felt before but this brought it all back.  But I didn't spend too much time dwelling over that as he kissed me.  I didn't believe it at first but of course, I knew I needed to.  He cared so much for me... and from how it felt right now, it was as if he wanted me just as he had before.  His lips pressed against mine and offered me his taste I missed.  So warm... and mine.  He was giving up himself to me I knew.  And I was so ready to give myself up to him.  His lips kissing me softly and mine responding back in the same pace and rhythm a second after the shock registered, I felt him slowly part my lips with his as he moved his smooth lips deeper against mine. 

I moved my lips with his passionately.  My neck craned up towards him from where he was kneeling over my legs, his lips just moved in mine as simply as it was beautiful.  I couldn't believe this was happening, this is happening...  And oh god, he felt so good. Just like every time that I have kissed him in the past yet different at the same time.  He kissed my lips softly and with each second, it turned into his giving me multiple gentle kisses against my bottom lip.  I moaned as I responded in the same way, breaking our lips just slightly as we shared numerous locks of lips, over and over, to where it scared me every time he would move back slightly.  I figured he was stopping, pulling away from me, but he only would move back and kiss me again.  It unveiled a fear within me, strange enough.  Because I experienced that breaking away from him too many times before to be welcoming of another time.  I didn't want him to stop this time.  I wouldn't be able to handle it if he kissed me then pulled back because he was guilty. 

I knew how much I wanted him and knew how much he wanted me now. But at the same time that that joy blossomed in me at feeling him kiss me and kissing him back, I needed to be careful.  I went through a lot to try to get over him and every second with his lips on mine, it became a haze in my head.  And if this was diminishing that, I wanted to know he wont back down.

When he kissed my lips and pulled back just a bit but not enough so his lips would leave mine, I took my chance and quickly said, "Luke," as he continued to kiss me, over and over.  "Don't stop!" I said before he cut my lips off and brought them to his again in that overwhelming pattern.  I moved my hands up his chest then moved one to wrap around his neck, running my fingers through his soft hair.  Strands through my fingers, I held him more against my mouth.

"I wont," he whispered against my lips as he continued to kiss me.  "I can't," his voice broke as his lips slowly slightly and his hands moved away from my chin and cheek.  One hand inching it's way around my back, he grasped the back of my neck and held me in place as our lips mashed together.  And all the while, my heart was pounding so fast, I was positive he could hear it.  My nerves were shaky by how wonderful and good he felt kissing me.  I could only hope I was returning the favor because kissing him back only intensifying the feeling of it within me.  While his other hand began to move down to my side, his one on my neck caught my attention. 

My tongue moving into his mouth, I tilted my head slightly just as I began to feel his fingers move up from my neck and to where my hair was tied up in a bun.  Before I knew what he was doing though, I felt his fingers play with the hair tie that was keeping it up.  Despite it being tightly wrapped, he still managed to get it out and let my hair fall down and around my shoulders, down my back.  Just like he liked my hair.

I couldn't help myself when I smiled against his lips as he kissed me.  It just figures that he would do that.  I never understood his desire to have my hair down.  And though I was still shocked by what he was happening to begin with, I felt there was no tension.  No problem with fighting it, with being ashamed... where I could smile against his lips and where he began to smile against mine.  His lips tilting up, he continued to kiss me as he tangled that hand happily in my hair, holding me there against his mouth. 

That might have been the point in where it really hit me.  That this was happening again and that it was so different from the other times.  This time, I wasn't as surprised that he kissed me.  Was I shocked, yes, but not to the extent of the other times.  It was like I knew this would happen even when I knew it was impossible at the same time.  I was just... wow, just so happy he gave in.  And wasn't stopping. 

 I felt him begin to move slightly and both his hands maneuvered down to my hips.  And the next thing I knew, he was moving me back and away from where I was by the headboard so I could lay down.  And in the next moment, I felt him move down to lay besides me too - without breaking kiss or nearing it.  Both of us were on our sides, laying flat on the bed sheets as I moved both my arms around his neck and pressed my entire body against his.  It felt so amazing... to lay here and kiss him.  Our heads resting on the same pillow as we kissed, I gripped him even closer to me.  But before he could put his hands back on me, he leaned over me and grabbed the cover that I threw off when I got up to greet him.  He pulled it back and over us I felt when the heavy blanket laid over us. 

Under the blankets together, I felt him once again move his arm back and around me, one resting on my back and the other on my side.  I was actually quite surprised he would put us here... laying down and our bodies under the covers.  But god, I'm happy he did.  It was so warm and comfortable as we just laid there on our sides and kissed.  Without another care in the world.  That's what was so different.  We welcomed it and didn't think twice about this.  I was so certain I wanted him and he felt the same against me. 

As I kissed his lips, I moved my hands down and to his chest.  With his tan uniform still on, I ran my hands up and down his chest.  And in the process I felt his badge, a pocket, and the material in general was too heavy for my liking.    My searching fingers stopped when I got to the buttons of the uniform.  And though I thought he was hot in his uniform, I wanted it better access of him. 

Undoing one button at a time as I twisted my lips even more in his, I felt him move his hand down to my leg.  Groaning through his mouth, he moved it closer to his body and guided my leg up and around his, wrapping me against him.  By the time I was done with the buttons, he moved me up more against him until I was tilting down slightly to kiss him, being higher up near the headboard.  Running my hands up to his shoulders, I grabbed the collar of his thick shirt I just unbuttoned and started to slowly push it down his arms.  Of course, that called for him to lean up slightly I could feel but it was worth it. After all, I wasn't letting this moment get by without taking advantage of everything I could.  Because though he said he wouldn't stop, I was still scared.  I'd always be scared.  Nothing good in my life ever last.  All I can do is hope and wish for him to stay with me as long as possible.

Sliding it off him, I could feel with my hands moving back down his chest that it only left him in the usual muscle shirt he usually has on.  But I gave me the advantage to run my hands over him much easier - and with more affect too after I heard Luke moan against me.  My hands moving over his chest eventually moved behind him though, just to grasp his back and hold him against me, our lips never breaking.   

I wasn't sure what it was... but I felt home.  He was home and he always felt like it, yes.  But this... seemed significantly more welcoming and more warm.  And as crazy as it sounds, it ignited one more tear to fall from my eye and down towards my neck. 

My lips fighting in his, I felt his hands grasp me even tighter to him, as if he felt the same.  We were wrapped against each other, under the covers of my bed, and it almost seemed like a dream.  One too good to be true.  How did this go from another kiss to us comfortably wrapped against each other in my bed?  I didn't know.  It was almost as if this moment has been building up between us for so long and it just needed to happen.  I was the luckiest girl in the world knowing it happened only a little bit ago.

I finally felt safe, I finally felt home, and I finally felt as if not only does he care for me but that I impacted him the same as well.  I opened my heart to him and it's a scary thought.  But I wanted him and I loved him.  That was for sure.  And though I wanted this moment to live on forever between us, my body didn't agree.  Because as we laid there on our sides, holding each other without question and kissing, I felt the toll being taken at having my eyes closed and kissing him this long.  I slowly drifted into sleep in his warm arms and against his lips under the covers, before much else could happen.  Never before falling asleep as warm as I was.

____________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Hey, hoped you liked it!  A little unsure about how I did on that intimate scene since I didn't have much time to go back and edit the rough spots. :)