Chapter 20

Between Luke and I in the past, there have always been extensive periods of time where things would be just tense or awkward.  It was different this time.  This was torture.  Awkward and tense... we passed that level.  I wouldn't consider that an achievement though.  There weren't any prizes; just the glorious floor I kept my eyes glued to when I was in his presence.

We barely spoke a word to each other the whole day.  He would look one way, I would look the other and we would pretend as if there wasn't the biggest Elephant in the world between us. I could feel he was embarrassed and I felt  the same but I knew he must feel like a complete ass after I ran away from him last night.  And that was the last thing I wanted, the last thing he deserved. 

When Luke got home from work, he and I headed over to his parents house for what would be most likely a very sad even for all the Prentas.  So by that point, still nothing was mentioned - which was fine.  We needed to set aside everything for this because I knew how important this was - especially for Luke.  Of course, that terrible feeling was there between us.  But we just needed to ignore it.  This was Hailey's birthday and I respected that that was the focus of the evening.

I wasn't sure what to expect when we pulled up into the private driveway, surrounded by woods and the gentle breezes of winter.  Whether the whole family in tears or laughing in sad joy at the memories they shared... it actually made me a little uneasy.  It was hard enough to deal with Christmas.  How would I react with this very emotional moment for them all? 

It didn't help that every time I glanced to Luke in the car, he looked pained.  And I had a feeling it wasn't just over me finding out about him and Clare.  I knew this was a sore subject for him.  According to Francis, he never spoke of it and had a hard time dealing with it in general.  Today would be different for the fact that it was his sisters birthday and he was forced to remember this.  He couldn't forget.  Now it will just be shoved in his face, no matter the great intention of just remembering and honoring her life.

Walking up silently with Luke towards the porch, a queasy feeling came over me.  As if I was about to invade a very private part of this family.  Like I shouldn't have access into such a delicate part of their lives when I wasn't even family.  That fear seemed to double when we walked through the door.

It was like I was on guard instantly, looking around as we made our way towards the kitchen where I could hear voices.  Then, upon entering the big opening of the kitchen, my eyes took in the grand surroundings of it all.  The beautiful tiles and marble counter tops, how elegant yet comfortable it looked... like the perfect home.  My eyes finally came to find Jan along with Shannon.  Stopping at walking in, Luke and I stood there as we watched Jan standing at the counter, decorating the cake that sat in front of her on the counter.  It was clear she was working on that for a while with how messy the kitchen looked. 

From where I was watching her from behind, she was wearing a soft green sweater and a grey simple skirt that reached just pass her kneecaps.  She looked very pretty like always, her short hair clipped back.  What bothered me though was that I couldn't see her face since she was facing away and looking down at the cake she was decorating. After all, I felt as if I needed to know the answer as to whether I was welcome or not and seeing her face upon my entrance would be nice. I felt relieved at seeing Shannon standing on the other side of the cupboard, looking down at her mother's work.  Her face held a soft smile as she was talking to her mom but when we entered and she looked up, her face turned more guarded even if that smile stayed there.  Though at first I figured that guarded look was for me, it turned out to be for the man standing besides me. 

"Hey, guys," she said to us, standing up more and taking us in, that smile still there when she looked between Luke and I.  Jan, hearing her, turned towards us and at seeing we arrived, her smile grew to a bright grin, but one that was also cautious when she took in Luke.  What was most recognizable on her face after a moment was realization - then shock when her eyes landed on me.  It didn't help since I already came to assume that I might not be welcome today.

"Hi, Lucas," Jan said softly, knowing how difficult this was for him.  She approached us and I was relived to see her smile still there, her eyes dry.  I over thought it, obviously.  After so many years, this family knew how to deal with this - and that was to cherish what they could of Hailey through laughs and smiles.  Luke still needed to come to feel the same.

Putting her arms around her son, I looked up to see her lightly kiss his cheek.  Hugging him tightly, I watched as Luke's eyes closed tightly in pain before he wrapped his arms around her as well.  "Hey mom," he spoke, kissing her cheek back to.  The sight honestly made me look away. 

Every time I was around this family all together like they were, it bothered me and clouded me in a deep ache in the pit of my chest.  Just seeing that - Jan welcoming her distressed son with a hug and a kiss - put me on edge for the fact that I wasn't use to it, it reminded me of what I didn't have, and it showed what I couldn't have back.

Moving back slightly, she patted his cheek before she looked over to me, her face still showing me surprise and I didn't know whether that was a good thing or not. Once she took me in and spoke to me though, it became evident through her nice and welcoming tone as well as her words.

"I'm happy you could make it Albany," she spoke to me softly too.

I raised my eyebrows and smiled slightly myself.  Good to know I was welcome.  I wouldn't have been that great of a moment for my dignity to be asked to politely sit out.  "Really?  Happy I could come."

"You are always welcome here, dear," she said, as if I was foolish for thinking anything else.

After she went back to making the cake, we headed in the other room where we heard other voices, ones echoing chuckles and cheerful words.  It was actually quite nice, knowing they were able to let themselves relax and speak of Hailey on such a nice note, that they were remembering her how they wanted to. 

Seeing us enter the room though, that quickly stopped and I knew why instantly, especially when Mike and Francis's eyes reflected clear pain for Luke, knowing it was the hardest on him today.  They also knew that, unlike them, he didn't accept it yet or didn't forgive himself after what happened.  Were they all still devastated by what happened?  Yes.  But they just dealt with it in a better way than Luke did considering it was 'Luke's fault' that she was taken by somebody on her way to school. 

"Hey son," Mike said, giving him a hesitant smile from where he and Francis was sitting on the couch.  They were both dressed casually, Mike in a white sweater and jeans.  His greying brown hair was combed back I noticed too in a messy fashion that reminded strangely of Luke.  Glancing to Francis, he supported khakis and a orange plain tee-shirt.  I noticed Brooke was playing with some toys she had at the table, wearing a jeans and a tee-shirt too. 

It was then that I realized the connection with all their clothes to the event and how they felt about it.  Especially when noting that Luke was dressed up much nicer, in a more professional way, with black slacks and a striped silver and white button up that was tucked in.  It was as if he dressed for a formal event.  Maybe because that's what he thought of it as.  Like this was so much more serious for him.

"Hey," Luke said, pursing his lips as he looked between them when we entered.   I felt my heart clench though for a moment when his eyes refused to leave his brother and dad, as if envious of their freedom to not feel guilty over what happened.  His sad eyes seemed to fade even more as he just stood there and more than anything, I just wanted to comfort him. He had nothing he wanted to say because there was nothing need to be said; if he didn't need to talk, he wouldn't I could see.  And I realized his brother and dad just sit there quietly too, cautious of Luke's fragile feelings today. Looking up at Luke once more, he only let that silence grow until someone finally saw the way to ending it.

"Albany, what are you doing here?" Francis asked once he knew that silence would only stretch on, drawing my eyes back to him and out of staring at his brother who was filling up with sadness as every second seemed to pass.  Not to mention I was sure Francis was curious.  It was occurring to me that this was surprising to them all, that I was here.

"Luke invited me," I said, smiling at him and Mike.

Mike raised an eyebrow at me and I saw a glimmer of hope reach his smirking face.  "Really?" he said softly, his bushy eyebrows dipping low in surprise and confusion at hearing that.  Glancing to Luke, he gave him a genuine smile, as if happy his son did so.  Luke could only look down and purse his lips in response, not wanting to explain any more.  It was starting to hit me just how shocking it was to everyone that Luke would bring me along.  It made me wonder if he was worse about this whole thing than I thought....

"Albany?" I heard a voice come from behind me from where we just came from.  Interrupting my thoughts, I looked behind me and saw Jan coming towards me, smiling softly.  Reaching me, she put an arm around my shoulder for a moment as she stood there with me and Luke.  Looking up to her next to me, smiling, I saw her eyes meet with Mikes in a meaningful look that confused me a bit.  Before I could dwell over whatever it was, her kind eyes met mine again.  "Do you think you could help me in the kitchen for a bit?"

I figured Shannon had that position covered.  But I had a feeling I wouldn't be doing much help rather than talking with her.  "Um, sure," I smiled.

Her grin grew wider, her bright teeth presenting her happiness. "Great," she said as she began to lead me away from Luke and where the rest of his family was sitting in the living room.  Looking behind me to where Luke was standing alone now, I felt a small pang in my chest over it.  Because even though I felt like a huge veil was lifted off me to finally be away from him and that tension, I felt as if he needed me there at his side.

However, once entering the kitchen with Jan, I watched as she looked over to where Shannon took over doing her job.  "Keep doing that Shannon and I will be right back," she said as she led a confused me out of the kitchen and down the hall where a number of doors were lined on each side.

"I thought I was going to help you in the kitchen...?" I was starting to feel uneasy.

"I actually want to talk to you instead," she said, her arm still around me, guiding me down the hall and away from the voices.  Before I knew it though, we stopped in front of a door and she opened it, guiding me inside before closing it behind us.

I knew there were a bunch of guest bedrooms upstairs.  It became clear there were some downstairs too since it appeared that's where we were now.  A bed sat in the middle of the room, the headboard against the walls that matched the rest of the walls downstairs.  The hardwood floors were still present only this time, I noticed this was a rather small room, more cluttered than the other rooms and big spaces in this house.  A dresser sat along the wall adjacent to the bed and just as I was taking in the windows in the room, shinning the evening light in, Jan turned me towards her more. 

With her arm around me to begin with, I was surprised when next, she curved her arm inward and led me to her as she gave me a warm hug.  Instantly, at feeling her arms go around me in comfort, my insides felt like jelly and I could barely stand it.  It was one of the many feelings I felt at Christmas when we were here.  She felt like a mother should, when one would hug you back... and it made me feel close to sick and the feeling, even still after I know I should be use to it.

Shocked at how abrupt that hug came on, it took me a minute to respond but when I did, I wrapped my arms around her to and felt myself needing to swallow at the thick feeling I felt in me. Once she slid her arms away and her hands came to rest on my arms, she looked at me with a soft smile. 

"What was that for?" I asked, chuckling softly under my breath, a little uncomfortable.

Her smile only grew and she shook her head, as if in amazement.  "For you.  I just...."  She scoffed, and looked down before back up to me as she continued trying to explain.  "Lucas just always... had the hardest time when dealing with Hailey.  And I am just caught off guard to see that he would invite you here!  I mean, to think he actually even spoke to you about it is just so overwhelming to think about.  Maybe he's making progress," she said, mostly to herself I think with that last part.

I smiled.  "Well, I mean, he told me everything a while back and how hard it's been for him," I said, not wanting to get into the details.  The last thing I wanted was to bring up anything specific that would only bring back painful memories to Jan.  "He just told me so much for some reason about what happened.  Then he figured it would be nice if I came here today is all...."  I tried playing it off, as if it weren't a big deal - because I didn't think it really was and I didn't want her thanking me for something I didn't know I did.

"You don't understand," she shook her head.  "For almost 16 years now, she has been gone.  And though he got himself together years after, he seems even better than before. I mean, sometimes he wouldn't come.  He didn't want to remember her at all because of the pain," she said, her voice cracking slightly.  "Even last year, when he came, he didn't bring Clare, he didn't bother to talk one word at all... he actually is acting as if he's acknowledging his sister. I mean, I know he still is in a bad place about the whole thing.  But to know he invited you, that he opened up to you... it could mean a lot."

I bit my lip and looked down.  I knew how bad it was for him.  I knew before that he didn't tell Clare much.  But I had at least figured that he brought her here last year.  And to know he opened up to me more than her, even when they were close... it was overwhelming.  What did Luke see in me that he didn't see in Clare to confide in her, to open up? 

"He didn't bring Clare last year...?" I asked, a little stunned.

She smiled.  "No, darling.  He never before would open up.  If I, his mother, even bothered talking to him about it, he would shut down.  Even after he opened up a bit, cleaned himself up, he still couldn't talk about it.  But its like since you came in his life, he's been better with being open."  She laughed under her breath softly and I saw her eyes begin to water at the thought of her son getting better after so long.  And I didn't know what to say to that.  Because I had no idea that Luke was so bad... to come here before and not respond to anybody, to ignore it all.... I knew he wouldn't talk, that he had a hard time, but to here it from Jan confirmed just how much it hurt everybody.  And to think, she was thanking me for it and giving me credit... I didn't feel worthy.  I didn't do anything.  Yet at the same time... had I?  "And it's not just with Hailey.  It's with everything else too," she continued, smiling and nodding at what I could only guess was my incredulous face.  "He seemed happier, more relaxed, open with everything in general.  Lately though he's been acting a bit off but I have you to thank for opening his eyes a bit."

I couldn't say anything for a moment.  But when I heard her say he's been off lately, even when making progress, I felt as if I needed to address it.  "He's been really stressed lately is all.  But I'm happy you think I'm doing some good for him."

"I don't think it, hon.  I know you are.  I'm lucky he has someone like you to get through hard times."

It was purely overwhelming at that point.  Because I realized just how much we depended on each other.  After last night, I was afraid that might have been broken.  And it's a shame because I didn't realize just how much it came across that I was helping him.  I mean, he's done so much for me. 

He's helped me through so much, made me a better person, was always there for me for whatever reason.  I always felt I was never there for him but according to Jan, I was wrong.  It made me feel so relieved to know that, to know I helped him somehow and yet, at the same time, just so incredibly upset knowing I could have just fucked it all up from my cowardly move last night.  

I know guys. I entered a place where feelings couldn't be avoided at this point in my life.  Quite different from my world before but whatever.  But it was nice.... whether it was pansy-like or not.  Because it made me realize just how much better everything was.  I could thank Luke for that. Just like I guess he could thank me as well.

***

After that little chat with Jan, I felt more than obligated to talk with Luke.  Because Jan reminded me of something and that was just how much this bothered him, his sister.  And though Jan said I made him better in a way, I felt like I needed to do a better job.  Especially after last night.  That talk me and Jan had made me feel worse about myself over that.

I mean, he was dealing with so much.  He was trying to help find evidence on Clare, he was trying to find out more about that gang, and on top of that all of the other stuff he needs to do at work as a cop.  And what was really taking a toll on him was that he needed to pretend he was fine, that he was in love with Clare.  It was killing him, I knew.  Being a man with a sense of right and wrong, he felt as if he was betraying everyone, especially me, by trying to show Clare his loyalty.  Now, at finding out he was doing everything he could to keep everything under wraps, at finding out he is forcing himself to have sex with her for the sake of my safety... it hurt.  Because he was willing to give up everything for me.  His dignity, his personal space, his whole body to Clare and just so she wouldn't get suspicious.  Just so I could stay safe.  And I was a complete bitch to him last night about it.

I mean, was I mad he had to have sex with her?  Yes!  I was pissed, still am at the thought, but I was pissed because I loved him, that he needed to do this.  And he was doing it for me.  He did it in order to keep the act up.  He needed to fully give himself to Clare to convince her because it would be more than suspicious if her husband refuses to have sex with her.  And what was worse was knowing he couldn't get out of it without consequences, dangerous ones.  He not only had to give himself to her.  He had to act as if he wanted it.  As if he was willing and he probably had to force himself to initiate it to keep her from suspecting anything too.

Putting myself in his position made me see how terrible it was too.  That evening, that's all I could think about over the chatter of conversation.  How terrible it would be... if I was married to someone that turned out to be a killer.  Then I would have to pretend that I was okay, that I was fine with sleeping in the same bed, having sex with that killer.  I would have to give myself to him, to a disgusting killer, to keep someone safe....  I put myself in his head and it was ugly.  Especially knowing it was all for me.

He was going through too much for him to handle.  And tonight wasn't helping, at his sister's birthday who was now missing for nearly 16 years.  At believing it was his fault. 

Though everybody was having a nice time in memory of Hailey, when it came time to lighting the candles and singing happy birthday to the girl that couldn't be here tonight, a heaviness came over everyone.  It didn't matter if they dealt with it in a good way, if they accepted it... it was still such a tragic thing, a terrible event.

We all stood around the table where Jan set the big cake she made for her missing daughter.  It was a beautifully decorated cake - one that made the one Luke and I made look like more than the shit it tasted like.  White creamy frosting spread over the top, in pink icing, it said 'Happy 21st Birthday Hailey.'  Then under it, it said in smaller writing, 'We Love and Miss You.'

Standing next to Luke around the table, Mike and Jan stood across from us with Francis and Shannon and Brooke next to them.  Looking up at each of them, I noticed Shannon was biting her lip and Francis was staring down in deep thought as he held his daughters hand.  After Jan lit the candles, she pressed her side against her husband who in return wrapped a supporting arm around her. 

Swallowing hard at seeing all of their faces, I couldn't ignore Luke.  I was close next to him since we all had to squeeze around the small table and I could feel the tense vibe he was giving off over all of this.  His scent that of a musky cologne and shampoo, I ignored it and everything about him accept for how he was feeling at that moment. 

Looking up to him next to me at my side, I saw his jaw was locked and tense and I could tell he was clenching his teeth, as if trying to hold together that blank face.  His lips tight in a straight line, I noticed how set his eyes were, those bright green pools directed at the cake and the candles lighting it up. It was like they shinned in his eyes too and radiated the pain his heart was giving off.  It was like it shook his whole body and upon looking him over, I noticed it was.  His fist was clenched tightly and shaking at his side where only I could see it. 

At seeing him, at seeing everyone's pain they will never be able to let go, I felt myself hit with my own pain.  It brought up Emily, my sister, and her birthdays when I would do something kind of similar before.  Only for the past couple years, I didn't.  I couldn't find the strength to go on, acknowledging my sister. 

That's when I realized I knew the amount of pain he was going through now.  Because he was forced to face it right now, staring at the cake for his sister.  I swallowed hard because unlike Hailey's family all around here, willing to show her she was loved, what did I do for my sister?  I felt like a failure, no matter just how much I thought about her.  Because there were no good memories to reflect on, nothing to show her she was loved by anyone besides me.  And it sucked because she had nobody else but me.  That was worst part because I felt terrible, knowing I was the only one when she deserved so many others to love her. This was what it should have been like for Emily and it wasn't.    

I refused to ponder over that though.  At thinking about Emily at that moment, I knew the pain Luke was facing was similar to my own and despite our current awkwardness between us, it didn't matter.  Sighing deeply, just as everyone began singing happy birthday to Hailey, I moved closer to Luke.  Without looking up at him and keeping my eyes on the cake and everyone else, I moved my hand until my fingers brushed his clenched one in a fist.  And with moving my hand around his and prying my fingers to open his, I grasped his hand in mine.

At first, I felt he didn't react but he did after a second.  Closing his fingers around mine, he held my hand as we looked down at the glowing cake and sang.  Looking up from the cake and at Jan, I noticed there were tears in her eyes and streaming down her face slowly as she sang to her daughter.  Mike stood at her side to support her, his eyes showing signs of mist as well and I never saw anything like it.  I never saw such compassion from a whole family towards one person.  It made me incredibly jealous to be honest, for both Emily and I but I could only be happy to see that people actually do care for those who suddenly aren't there anymore.

After singing, Jan looked around to us and up, as if talking to the ceiling but I knew it was to her daughter.  "Hailey, we love you sweetheart and are all here for you," her voice broke.  "We love you so much.  Happy birthday baby."

What must have been tradition, everyone blew out the candles after that at the same time and with the smoke filling the air, I noticed the light mood slowly started to come back.  It was rather interesting.  Even with tears and sadness, they still managed to smile and laugh at some of the memories that brought up about her as they started to cut the cake and went back to talking.  Like apparently, she use to always like to dress up and pretend she was a princess and use one of her brothers as her horse... it was stories like these that kept her memory alive.  And what made Luke finally leave the room.

His hand that was still in mine broke away and he slowly slipped out of the room, without anyone noticing.  He didn't want to ruin the little party by making a big fuss but he couldn't hide it from everyone.  Jan seemed to notice quite quickly after she started serving the cake.  Giving me a small frown, I could tell this wasn't the first time he had to leave after something like this.  However, this time, would be different.

I gave him his time.  I didn't want to run after him.  I felt he probably just needed alone time.  So I ate my slice of cake first and talked for a bit with Mike and Francis before I decided to go discreetly check on him.  Because not only was that hard for him, I wanted to tell him I was sorry for what happened yesterday too.  He needed to know I was on his side, that I was here for him, even if I wasn't going to be anymore than his friend. 

When I got to his door, I softly knocked, hoping he would just open the door.  When he didn't after a moment though, you can bet I wasn't putting up with this drama bullshit.  I wasn't good at this emotional stuff to begin with when it came to sharing it with others but I wanted to tell him this.  And I was anxious to do it and get it off my chest. 

Sighing, I opened the door and walked in to his room, knowing he was in here and just trying to deal with everything.  Upon entering though, I saw him sitting at the end of his bed, just staring at the ground in deep thought.  His eyes seemed occupied in thought, his lips pursed, but upon seeing me come in, he lifted his eyes in curiosity to me.

I watched as his body tensed slightly more and the second his eyes found mine, they quickly looked back down to the ground.  Biting my lip at the sad sight of what I knew to be a strong and fighting man, I closed the door behind me and continued to just stand there, looking at him.  I wasn't sure what to do at first, what to say.  I just knew I needed to be in here with him and talk to him.

He's done so much for me... and he needs to know I was thankful for it.  And even if that meant the ugliest parts of what he did for me.

Sighing, I took a deep breath as I stepped into the room more and towards him.  His eyes were still nailed on the ground but I knew he was aware of me as I moved closer until I stood next to where he stood.  I wasn't sure what it was I needed to do, say... so I started with just sitting down on the end of the bed, next to him. Then, the words that followed, seemed almost automatic when I realized I just needed to be real with him and tell him the truth.

"Luke, I'm just going to put it all out on the table.  I refuse to put up with anymore of this tension when it's my fault for it being there.  I'm sorry I was a bitch over what happened because you didn't deserve it, especially after when you did it for me!"  Letting out a breath in relief, I watched the side of his face and waited.

I noticed the first thing that happened was his eyebrows rose at hearing my words and in the next moment, his eyes moved up from the floor.  Tilting his head in my direction, he looked deeply in my eyes and flooded them with his confusion.  I didn't care at that second though; he was looking at me and it was relieving after a day of us avoiding each others gaze.

"You're sorry...?"

I scoffed, not believing he would ask.  "Of course I am!  H-How can't I be after all you have done for me?"

I watched as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, that weight of stress lifting at hearing my words.  "Because it was disgusting," he said and his lips screwed up in a scowl at just the sick thought.  "I didn't want you knowing because I was so ashamed of it.... I was sick of it, of losing my dignity, and I had to," he shook his head at me, as if desperate.  "I want you to know that I did it because of you.  To keep you safe, to keep her from being suspicious--"

"I know," I nodded, needing him to see I understood completely.  "I know you did it for me.  You did it because the only other option would have put us in a tough spot, not one worth risking everything over.  I-I'm sorry I acted that way; it was just because it was just a lot to take in.  And that's no excuse..." I paused and swallowed, looking away from his scorching eyes because what I said next was the sad truth and I couldn't do anything about it.  "It's no excuse because I know you would do anything for me.  And you have.  You gave up your dignity, your body, your repulsiveness over the situation... for me.  I wont lie to you, its so sick and disgusting to me, to think about it, and it pisses me off so much," I growled and looked up into his begging and bright eyes.  "It pisses me off that you are trapped this way and there is nothing I can do about it!  I don't want you to suffer like this anymore for me.  To do that, to give yourself to Clare just because of my safety--"

"I want to," he cut in, surprisingly.  "I want to and am willing to suffer for you.  I told you before, I am willing to go through it all to make sure she remains unsuspicious, to make sure I can keep you safe.  Does it make me sick to my stomach?  Does it eat me alive and make me feel like shit?  Yes!  But you need to understand it is worth it," he said to me, close and searching my eyes with passion at his words.  "You're worth it, Albany," he smiled softly.

He told me that before and it always seemed to hit me in the gut.  I hated knowing how much he was willing to give up for me.  I knew he go as far as giving his life and I hated that fact.  I knew he would pull that card then.  It was true and it bothered me because I knew he was worth it, but I shouldn't be.

I sighed.  "I don't want to be worth it for you," I said.  "I mean, I just don't want you to have to deal with this anymore.  And it's not just this - it's everything else!" 

He pursed his lips and sighed, looking down at the floor as I spoke before he looked back up at me at my words.  "You have to do so much, so much.  I can tell and you can't hide it.  Tonight only made it worse too because you still can't accept what happened with your sister."

He stared at me, taking in all my fast words to process and I could see his surprise at seeing just how well I was reading him, especially when it came to what I said next. "I mean, first of all, you need to be fake and act out lies half the time with Clare - to an extent that I feel is nearing the definition of rape.  Yet you need to act as if it's fine!  You go through so much for evidence, for helping with the gang, protecting me, and it doesn't help how guilty you feel over it all.  You don't deserve this.  I want to take it away from you... because no matter how hard it usually is for me to say sentimental shit like this," I said, receiving a small smile from him.  "I care about you.  You are my best friend and I want to help you.  And I know I can't and it bothers the fuck out of me."

He stared at me for the longest time after I said that, I was also shocked to see a smile crawl to his face gradually until it was a beautiful representation of what I wanted for him - to be happy.  "So I'm your best friend?" he asked, as if teasingly.

I shook my head and scowled but I couldn't hide my smile coming to my face.  Because out of all of what I had to say, that stuck out to him and it made me feel good about it for some reason.  "I wont repeat it," I said, smirking up at him from where he came to face me more next to me.  At seeing that short tease, even in the middle of a serious conversation, it made the tension crumble even more and it helped immensely.

"Can I tell you something," he said, grasping my hand in his after he looked down slightly.

"What?" I scoffed.

"You're mine too."

I smiled and before I could respond with anymore than a blush, he turned serious again and addressed everything else I said to him before.  His lips dropping slightly, those green eyes sparkled down to me in a way that made my heart jump slightly.  "Now, listen," he said, licking his lips.  "You can't take this away from me.  This pain is my own and mine alone.  And... I can handle it." He said sadly.

I shook my head.  "But--"

"No," he cut me off. Swallowing slightly, I knew what he was about to say would be tricky too.  "I had a choice.  I choose to stay and fight with you.  That's what I'm doing.  Is it hard?  Yeah," he nodded and in his eyes, you could see that was an understatement.  "Yeah, it is very hard.  You know I don't want to have sex with Clare. I hate it, I feel disgusting afterward, but it will pay off in the end because we will end her.  And we will be free."

"It just..." I sighed.  "It bothers me," I said, shaking my head at not knowing how else to put it.  "You and Clare having sex," I whispered to clarify, looking away from him.  "You shouldn't feel trapped in that way."

I felt his hand reach up and grasp my arm in comfort, getting my attention and my eyes back to him hesitantly.  His eyes filled with sorrow, a sad and helpless look over that particular issue.  Because there was nothing we could do about it.  His voice broke the troubling silence between us that had begun to grow after I said that.

"I shouldn't.  But I am trapped.  I accept it and you need to too.  As disgusting as it is...." he trailed off.  "I know you feel betrayed, despite knowing that I didn't want to do it.  And I'm so sorry for it.  I didn't want to hurt you.  Everybody has hurt you and I wanted to be the last person to ever make you feel that way and I let you down.  I know you feel betrayed by what I am doing with Clare.  But it's just... it's just to cover our asses and I'm so glad to hear that you understand.  I want you to also know though that I don't feel anything for her anymore.  I don't want her that way, I don't love her, I fucking hate her guts!  I hate it, Albany," he shook his head and though it was a sick subject, I was just happy he was talking.  That he was getting everything out.  "It's just something that needs to be done - and only because it needs to be done.  I just want you to know that that is the only reason."

I nodded I felt overwhelmed by all his words, mainly because he was trying so hard to convince me, especially when I already knew he didn't enjoy it, didn't like it.  Did I feel betrayed?  SUre.  But it was only because I let that moment take me over and I wasn't thinking.  I felt betrayed because I felt so close to him and to see that he was having sex with her made me feel almost pointless in a way.  I know though that shouldn't be the case and I told him.  "I know.  I know," I nodded.  "I know you didn't want to do it.  Don't feel like you offended me.  Its the other way around, really," I smiled. 

"Good," he nodded and swallowed slightly.  "I just... I just don't want you to turn against me when you are all I have."

I felt myself cringe slightly and I didn't want to admit how much those words meant to me right then.  Biting my lip as I stared up at him, it took me a long second of accepting what he said before I spoke.

"I will never, never, turn against you," I said, pursing my lips.  "But I just want you to know that if you feel bad about something, if you think it would hurt me, just tell me next time.  You can tell me anything, Luke.  That's what I want you to know: that I will always be here.  Like tonight."  I sighed.  "I see how hurt you are over your sister.  So you know I understand you in every aspect including that one because of Emily.  I know how hard it is.  And I'm not one to talk because I'm still not over what happened to her but I want you to know that it would help if you accept it."

He smiled softly to me.  "Albany, I really loved what you just said," he bit his lip before speaking again.  I could tell he meant it too.  "But in this case, I can't accept it.  It was my fault."

"So was Emily's death.  That was my fault," I said to him.

"Then how do you get through it?" he asked, running a hand through his hair. And though I hated speaking about her, I was comfortable talking about her with him. Especially when we had that in common with our younger sisters. 

"Before, I just didn't think about it.  The one exception was usually her birthday where I would do something similar like tonight.  I would just... talk to her and remember her and cry.  Years later, I gave up that tradition because it hurt so much and I didn't want to cry anymore.  And it seemed to be the only way of coping.  But I did face the fact that it was my fault.  Even if you think differently about it being my fault," I said, knowing he did.   "I still feel the blame I hold on myself and no matter how much I try to convince you that it wasn't your fault, you will still feel as if it is. 

"So really, all you can do, is fight on.  To show that you live for your loved one that is lost.  And I know you already do," I smiled.  "You told me before that was why you became a cop, why you got yourself back in better shape in your life... so all you need to do is just keep fighting on no matter how stressed you are, how hard it gets."

After I spoke, I saw him smile gently to me and before I saw it coming, he shifted more towards me and his hand that rested on my arm came up around my back and he pulled me more towards where he was sitting as he hugged me.  Feeling his arms go around me was nice and though his scent was invading, his touch left sparks, and the feeling was wonderful... I focused on the part he needed at that moment and that was just his friend.

"Thank you," he whispered softly in my ear, letting shivers run along me and fade once ignoring them. 

I smiled softly as I hugged him back.  And it wasn't long after that that he and I headed downstairs.  I noticed he was still uncomfortable about the whole party, about talking about his sister, and he was still tense.  But at seeing him smile a bit more, at his relieved face, I could only be happy that once again, we managed to relieve that tension between us.  For the first time, it was with me facing him and fessing up that I was here for him. 

By the time everyone was getting ready to leave for the evening, I started to notice something else besides Luke's slightly increasing mood.  And that was Francis, smirking at me and all I could do at those suggestive looks were to roll my eyes at him and flip him off if nobody was looking.  He obviously noticed my absence and Luke's when we were up in his room talking.  Being Francis, something else besides talking came to his mind.

"Anything... interesting happen?" he asked me, smirking, when catching me after I came out of the bathroom.  Standing alone in the hall, knowing nobody could hear us with everyone getting ready to go by the door, I crossed my arms and shook my head at him, giving him a disapproving stare.  Such a stubborn ass.... I kind of liked that about him.

"No, Francis, nothing fucking happened," I said, making him laugh.

"Right," he said, winking at me and showing me just how much he believed me.  Once again, all I could do was roll my eyes at his immatureness.  Standing before me still after nothing but silence for a long moment, my eyebrows lowered in confusion.

"Did you want something?" I asked as he stared at me and slowly, a smile came to his face.

"Yeah I was wondering if you could come over this Saturday," he said, a tone in his voice that was deeper and sounded a little teasing.  That was Francis though.  With a famous smirk and mocking tone.

Not thinking anything of it, I said, "Sure.   Need me for babysitting?"

"Well, not this time.  It's a surprise," he said and winked at me again, making me scoff under my breath.  I could only imagine.... I could easily assume something fun. 

"Really?"

"Yep.  So be there," he said in my face with an attitude that made me laugh.  Turning around a moment later, he moved back down the hall without another word as I watched him in amusement.  One thing that was clear though beyond his strange personality: Saturday would be interesting.

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Hey guys, I apologize if this chapter seemed a bit dragging.  I just felt the need to include a bit more detail in this one alone because of how much Albany was feeling between what was happening with the birthday for Hailey and with Luke, with the different conversations taking place... I just found it to be necessary more in this chapter.  Hope you enjoyed it though!