So here we go, ya'll, this is gonna be a really introspective rant that is really just about my emotions and feelings, and I'm pretty sure by the end of this, everyone is going to see me very differently, but the thing is that I've always been this way, so I think this is just a testament to who I am as a person?

Now let me preface this by saying this: I think jealousy is a natural, human thing. I don't think we should view jealousy as this heinous thing that people shouldn't feel and if you do, you're awful, because we all feel jealous, at least in some capacity, because we, as humans, always want to be better, either in our own right, or in comparison to others, right? And there is a stage in most people's lives where insecurity is rampant and jealously winds up being a close friend during that time, so I'm not saying that if you, too, feel jealous, that the words I'm directing upon myself are directed upon you, because I don't believe jealousy is a bad thing, it's just the negative things people do as a result of jealousy that are bad, but that's not even what I'm getting into.

It's just hard for me to tell myself that I'm allowed to feel jealous, when my mindset has warped itself into something that is so disgusting, petty, and degrading to all those around me, that I can't, with a good conscience, keep telling myself that what I'm doing is okay, because it's not.

I've tried to be okay with who I am as a person and, for the most part, I am. I look at others and I look at myself, and I'm glad with who I am, and hope they are too. Of course, I wish I looked more like them, but that's simply because others find them more appealing than me.

That's the thing. I feel as though others find others more appealing than me. And I don't get why I find that to be so hurtful because that's literally how all of life works. I'm going to like Steve Rogers more than Tony Stark (okay, I love them both, don't hate on me, I'm just saying right now that if you asked me to choose between Captain America pajamas and Iron Man pajamas, I'm going for Steve)

I don't see the Iron Man pajamas being all upset about it. Because I'm sure other people would want those Iron Man pajamas.

And I don't see why other people raising up someone else's story has anything to do with me, yet I feel a pang of hurt and jealousy at the fact that they are, and I'm disgusted with myself, because why wouldn't I want those people to raise up that person and their story, which deserves every read, vote, positive comment, and love it gets, and much more, as well as that author?

It's because it's not that I don't want them to get love, it's because I want it too, which makes me feel awful, because why do I feel entitled to a love I don't deserve?

Of course, I deserve love, we all do, but I'm saying love in that particular aspect? My story isn't in any way as good as that other story, so why do I want it raised to that same standard? Jealousy. I'm jealous because in my mind I've worked just as hard and I'm hurt that it's not being raised to the same standards and praise as that other story and author, yet my story and I are undeserving of it! We are deserving of love, but not to that capacity.

And it's hard for me to accept that. Because all my life I've either been praised for being the best (a short lived but bittersweetly remembered time) or I've played second fiddle to all my best friends. I've purposefully put myself down for years—ever since I was eight—to raise up people I believed were better than me, and they were better than me, everyone let me know they were better than me, and I was fine with that.

But when you get a taste of praise, when you feel like you've made a great accomplishment and you're proud of it, suddenly you're fragile and sensitive and the slightest indication that you might not be as great as someone else who has, in your mind, done equal to what you have done, it hurts. Because then it all boils down to: What the hell did I do wrong?

What did I do not to garner the same amount of praise and recognition as this other person is getting when, in my warped perspective, I'm equally deserving? It's because I didn't do as much. I'm not equally deserving. Not to mention so many other factors that end up with me simply just having to deal with it.

Part of me wants to say "yeah, well, people never appreciated you your entire life, someone's always been better, get over it, nothing new," but it implies that I'm in the right and others are in the wrong. But maybe I'm the one who's in the wrong.

Because I don't deserve the praise I want, so I don't deserve to get it.

So yeah. There's that.