My insides were knotting up.
There was nothing I could do.
My world had officially crashed around my ears and it had all been my own making.
Izzy was sat over on the sofa in the corner of the band garage, her legs crossed, facing him with a warm smile on her face.
We had just moved every piece of band equipment from the dark dungeon we had used as a band room at the Academy and were now sat in Ethan's family garage with the doors wide open and the sunshine pouring in.
The weather matched Izzy's smile. Warm.
Happy.
Sunny.
And all about Ethan.

I couldn't really complain.
After not seeing her smile for almost two months, hearing her laughter was like seeing the rainbow after a thunder storm.
I had made my choice easier. To ignore the burning feeling of jealous pain every time her smile was directed at Ethan. I wanted that smile so much for myself.
I wanted her to look at me with that warmth.
But for her happiness, I had to push it aside.
I would take the hugs she would give me and ignore the sharp, distrustful glares from Ethan.
My great comfort was that she still cared about me.

They were getting a song practiced and they were making good progress on writing a new one.
What broke me up was the way he'd occasionaly reach a hand up from the guitar to move a strand of her hair. And the way he'd sometimes lay a finger under her chin and lean forward to kiss her across the guitar and both their crossed legs.
A move I had imagined and almost made so many times.

I had kissed her a grand total of four times. And every time was an awakening.

The first time we were four years old. In the sandbox in my parent's garden.
We'd had a fight. She whacked me over the eyebrow with a plastic spade and started crying when she saw the blood running down my face.
I was the bleeding, injured part. She was crying for having hurt me.
To stop her tears I did the only thing I could think of.
I kissed her.
My mum always kissed me when I cried.
But somehow my kiss didn't land on her cheek as I had intended, but on her mouth.
We had sat there. Two wide eyed four year old children with our lips connected, staring into each other's eyes.
Her tears turned to laughter, my insides had felt like someone had tickled me for a very long time and I knew.
From that moment.
I loved her.
I would protect her.
And I would never let anybody hurt her.

And now she was sat there.
As the singer of Obstruction. Practicing melodylines and chords with Ethan. Who just happened to look at her as if she was a work of art.
She was looking back at him too, with a happy, little, crooked smile. As if she was lucky to have his attention.
If only she could realise.
I wished she could understand.
That any guy should be thanking his lucky stars for her smile.
My fingers reached into my eyebrow to feel that tiny scar I still had. It was hardly noticeable apart from making a patch in my eyebrow slightly lighter than the rest.
Izzy used to say it made me look like my smirk was a permanent feature. And now a piercing sat right next to it drawing more attention to the mismatched colour.

"That, Simon, is karma for life," Oddball grinned with a nod towards the two of them.

I turned to look at him.

"Ethan really loves her," Oddball said with a happy nod to confirm the previous statement.

"I know," I shrugged.

Odd and I sat there looking at them, trapped in their own little bubble.
I looked at Ethan and hoped he would never stop looking at her like that.

"They're cute and stuff, but I think we might have to burst the bubble if we're gonna get stuff done," Oddball observed.

"Yeah," I agreed.

"I thought Evan and I were silly, but that is just a new level of fluffy," Oddball laughed.

"Yeah. You seem happy," I replied with a smirk.

"Yep... but you've seen Evan. Looking like that, he could get anyone," Oddball laughed.

"I wouldn't know, Oddball. Straightest guy on the planet... right here," I grinned.

"Yeah... not so much, Simon..." Oddball chuckled.

"I go for girls," I assured him.

"Sober Simon maybe... Drunk Simon can be convinced otherwise," Oddball winked.

"What are you on about?" I asked with a look to his dimples and freckles, for the occasion displayed in a taunting smirk.

"So... no smacking my ass?" He grinned.

I must have looked confused.

"Drunk Simon, when rejected by girls goes looking for alternatives... just saying, Simon," Oddball laughed.

"Sex is sex," I shrugged.

Oddball laughed out loud before walking over to our lovebirds to check on the new song. Two seconds later he had Izzy giggling and Ethan shaking his head.
I wished I had Oddball's carefree outlook on life.
The little look Ethan sent Izzy at the sound of her laughter, as if her laughter was music, tore me apart.
And a part of me still regretted ever helping him get the girl.
Because I wanted it to be me.
I wanted to regret choosing the same degree course as her.
But I couldn't.
Seeing her happy smile.
Her intense focus.
The way she threw her hair up over her shoulder.
Sitting behind her in the studio, meant seeing her, smelling her.
Every day.

I'd never told her, but applying to the same course as her was no coincidence. She thought it was. Her mum told my mum about Izzy's plans and the next day I had my application sent off.
For a degree course in design.
I had wanted a creative degree, that much was my own ambition. I had contemplated applying to other academies, but i found myself bound. The thought of leaving Izzy....
I just couldn't do it.

Izzy, Izzy, Izzy....
The way she laughed.
Her smile at me when we went into our little verbal fights.
I knew she cared about me, loved me even. I just wanted that love to be deeper.
I never had been able to deny her anything.

Obstruction got off to a rocky start at the Academy.
Oddball, Ethan and I were set up in a small room, ready for a year of rocking out.
Trouble was that we were without vocals. Billy had gone to study somewhere else, we had all had a slow year of sporadic practicing and no gigs to boast of.
We were arguing about if it was worth continuing. The rent for the band room was cheap, but without gigs we couldn't pay it.
And without vocals we couldn't get gigs.
We had been doing okay with Ethan and me singing, but I sucked as front man and Ethan was a nervous mess.
In addition Ethan was second guessing his choice to do economics. All he wanted was to return to the music conservatory and his violin.
Obstruction was dying.
We needed a voice.
I don't know why I didn't think of Izzy straight away. Her voice was amazing. And she'd always had that secret, inner star quality.
She came to me in the end, and started singing 'Black Velvet' as if she was born for that song.
Oddball and Ethan stood to the side nodding along as her voice soared. We didn't even debate it.

"When can she start?" Oddball asked as soon as she went back to Ellen.

"Tomorrow?" I replied.

"Good! We need that voice!" Odd grinned and I could see the wheels turning in his head

"Just keep in mind. This is not any girl. This is the best damned girl on the planet! Either of you touch her, I will kill you!" I warned.

Of course Oddball took that as a personal challenge and made his life mission to hug her at any and all occasions.
And Izzy loved it.
In fact she loved Odd from the moment they met.
One of his wide grins and she was convinced.
She would sit on the drumseat with him behind her letting him teach her how to drum.
Both of them laughing until they were wiping tears.
But Oddball was safe. I trusted him not to want her.

Ethan on the other hand was a different story.
His crush was instant.
She walked into the room and he was sold.
I don't know what he saw, but her total lack of conceit must have been a factor. She didn't immediately fawn over him.
Before the first gig we did with Izzy, she said something and you could practically hear the thud as Ethan's heart was handed over.
That was it.
Ethan was signed, sealed and delivered.
No turning back.
And I watched the man turn into a smiling pile of pudding whenever she was around.
Pitiful, I know.

The weirdest thing about it was that although I loved her beyond anything else in my life, I had never been that pathetic around her.

I should have known...