I was curled up on the couch sipping a cup of peppermint tea while watching some TV. It was close to 11 in the night and the boys still weren't home yet. I tried not to let myself get too worried. They'd been home late plenty of times before but somehow, tonight, my hands were trembling with nervousness. I'd lost track of what was happening on the TV a long time ago. Maybe it was the chilliness of the air and the fact that the last call I'd received from them had been this morning before school that maybe me more anxious than usual.

A knock sounded at the door and I let out a sigh of relief as I ran to open it. I froze in shock at the man who now stood at my doorstep with panic written on his face. I resisted the urge to slam the door in his face. He was the last person I wanted to see. 

Ivan's father looked worried and almost borderline hysterical as his eyes scanned the living room behind me before meeting my eyes. I dropped the deathly glare from my face and put on a fake smile. I'd almost forgotten that we weren't hostile towards each other anymore. I could never forgive him though, for what he did to Alexei. It took all my efforts to keep the smile glued to my face.

"Is Ivan here dear. We were supposed to meet over an hour ago and he didn't show up." Somehow, I saw those words coming before he'd even uttered them. I'd known there was something amiss before he'd even arrived at my doorstep. My heart began hammering in my chest as I slowly shook my head. His eyes dropped to the ground in disappointment.

"Have you tried calling him?" My voice sounded painfully small to my own years. This felt like a dream almost. It couldn't be happening. They'd be home any minute now.

Alexei promised.

"Yes but he hasn't picked up his phone," he said looking equally distraught. I clutched on to the edge of the door as a wave of shock hit me. The almost fatherly concern and evident worry on his face triggered something within me. My body felt dreadfully heavy. This was real. They weren't here. They might never be here. In that moment the only things that kept me from falling was the side of the door under my hand. For my benefit, Ivan's father continued to speak in a soft voice I didn't think he was capable of. I barely heard him over the ring in my ears.

"Don't worry dear. I'll find him. You just stay here and give me a call if he shows up." With that final word, he turned and left. I slowly shut the door behind him before sinking to the ground. My shaking legs couldn't hold out any longer. My breathing slowly became labored and I clutched on to the edge of my t-shirt with all my might. It was Alexei's, I realized, and that only made my body shake even more. The shirt still smelled like him, his favorite cologne.

A few tears slipped from my eyes. My ears still rang with that promise Alexei had made but it seemed to be fading away into a distant echo.

They'll come back to me. They have to. They promised.

The words rang in my head like a mantra that turned into a plea, as I remained curled on the floor with their faces flitting beneath my closed lids.

I was sat in front of a fireplace curled into a jacket. It was the jacket, the jacket I'd found on myself all those months ago in the hospital. It was the jacket that reminded me that I was worth it, worth keeping a promise to and worth returning to. It was the only thing that had stopped my panic attack from fully consuming me after Ivan's father had left me in pieces.

But perhaps that fear and rising hysteria would have been better. Now all I felt was a hollow emptiness that seemed to eat away at my soul. It was like someone had cleaved my heart out of my chest. The emptiness had a heartbeat of its own, a dull sound that made me want to shut down completely. The world around me had seized to exist. I was feeling everything and yet nothing at the same time. No pain, no fear, just nothing. A painful emptiness that made me want to weep knowing that the tears would do nothing to unleash the hurt. It lay slumbering in my heart, a constant agony that wouldn't let up.

It had been 3 hours. 3 hours since Ivan's father had left my doorstep. 3 hours since I'd felt my world shift on its axis. 3 hours since the coldness had invaded my heart. 68 missed calls later I'd given up. My fight was gone. It was just a bone-chilling numbness as I watched the dying fire breath its last breath. For some odd reason I knew that when that fire burned out, it would all be over. Any hope would be extinguished and not even the jacket over my shoulder could keep me from fading to ashes. My world had already turned to dust. Maybe it would be better that way. Perhaps fading would end the emptiness that seemed to slowly consume me.

We'd almost had it. The four of us had had a whole future before us. I would have given them everything I had, offered every piece of my heart and soul. We'd found our ray of happiness in each other and god knows we'd deserved it. Hadn't I deserved it? Or perhaps I was doomed to be a tragedy. The thought didn't scare me. The numbness was spreading to my mind. Good, it was better this way, to fade now.

But as I thought that a face came to mind. A face with blue eyes and a smile I hadn't seen her wear in years. It was my mother, a woman that had broken me to pieces but somehow still held me together. Our bond remained untouched from that all consuming numbness. My love for her was the only thing that kept me from slipping away. For that love, I realized in that moment I could do anything.

I hadn't realized I'd become almost comatose, completely unaware of everything around me until I felt a touch on my shoulder. I didn't turn. I was so lost. That hope was beginning to burn bright again. Maybe if I didn't turn I wouldn't have to see what would no doubt be Ivan's father's face, or Troy or Violet. They'd confirm my worst fears and try to hold me together when all I'd want to do would be to fall apart. Voices filled my ears like static but I still didn't turn for it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. That fire was almost out. It was just a few more seconds now.

A pair of bright green eyes appeared before me. Frantic green eyes that sent a bolt of awareness throughout my entire body. His hands swept over my face with an anguish and lack of control he'd never had before. He wore a panicked expression I'd never seen him wear. I didn't want to be the cause of it. He was saying something, shouting it and it took a moment for me to hear anything. It passed through my mind like water. He was shaking me, like I'd fallen into a deep sleep.

"Roe please come back. You're scaring us. We're here now baby please snap out of it." The fear in his voice, the crack that sounded when he said the word baby, the tears that had formed at the corner of his eyes and the warmth he radiated as he crouched before my too still body was like an electric shock. My heart started beating once again. This was real. He was hear, alive, breathing and in my arms once again. They'd come back.

I shuddered out a gasp. It almost hurt, as I seemed to come to life once again. I collapsed against him like I was boneless. He gathered me into his arms and rocked me back and forth as I continued to shake like a leaf in the hurricane they'd created. I could feel hands at my back and coaxing words being whispered into my ear, comforting kisses pressed to my temple. It only made the tears come faster.

All I could think of was how badly I'd shattered thinking I'd lost them. All I could think of was how my heart felt like it had burst when I thought they were gone. I'd almost vanished for a second. Within the span of three hours I'd sunk lower than I'd ever done in my life, all because they'd been missing. In 3 hours I'd almost lost myself.

I'd never been more frightened than in that moment that I realized how deeply I cared for the boys wound around me. Fear, cold and sharp picked up my heart rate and arrested my tears. I shuddered again as the truth shook me to my core. I finally realized why love was so terrifying. It wasn't the fear that it may not be returned. It wasn't the fear of  not being enough.

It was the fear of what would happen if that love were to ever go away because it was that love that held you together. It was the fear of losing love, because in the end love eventually became need. If I lost them I'd lose myself.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I shushed Alexei with the wave of my hand. I hated the tears sparkling in his eyes. The truth was like a weight lifted of my shoulders. A new fire seemed to rush through my veins as I took in the three worried faces around me. We were sat in a pile, with me on Ivan's lap. I'd remember this moment for the rest of my life. My heart, my life was in their hands and they didn't even know it. How could they not see it? How could they not see how much I lived and breathed my love for them?

It was the most terrifying, most real thing I'd ever felt.

"I thought you were gone." My throat was raspy and fine. It was barely a whisper and even that gave out halfway through. Mikhail shut his eyes like the sight pained him. Guilt swam in Ivan's green eyes and I let a single finger trace his cheek to ease it.

"I thought you were gone and I couldn't even move, couldn't breath, couldn't see. It was the most terrifying moment of my life. Not just because I thought I'd lost you, but because I thought I lost myself. I was stuck in this place where I couldn't even feel anything anymore and now I know why. You. All three of you. After my mother left me, I've built my world around the three of you. If its possible, I think you mean almost as much to me as she does. If you hadn't come back today I don't know what I would have done. I don't want to think about it. But now I know this and it's the most terrifying realization I've ever come to." All three of them held their breaths as tears fell from my eyes. I let them fall. I didn't have the strength to hold them in. They needed to see how badly I needed them, how badly I'd break if they weren't there.

I shuddered out another gasp and the truth came clawing itself out of my throat. Tears blurred my vision and my words came out like a choked sob. But they were distinct enough to carry through the small space between the four of us. Words that were the closest I could get telling them how I felt. 

"I love you. I need you and I don't think I can live without you." 

I'm sorry I gave you guys a lot of anxiety in the first part. You should know though that I'd never kill any of them. I love them all way too much and I'm not that evil. 

Woah they just moved in and Roe's already confessing her undying love for them. Bit too soon for some of you out there? This chapter isn't important just because she's finally confessed something we've all known all along. It also shows how quickly and deeply Roe falls in love because she was starved of it.  

It's something to remember, the fact that her entire world revolves around these boys now just like it once did with her mother. It will creep up again later in the story and it may just not be as romantic as it sounds. 

On a more happier note though, SHE LOVES THEM!! Very romantic, very intense and I hope I got the buildup to the scene right. I don't know if I'll make the boys say it right back, or maybe a bit later. I guess you guys will just have to wait for the next chapter to see (;

Until the next update...

-ASH

P.S. Love you guys <33 Thank you for being so wonderful.