"Would you care to spill the beans or do I have to force it out of you?"

I lay on my bed, wrapped up in my favorite quilt with my head buried in my pillow to avoid Violet's question. I'd known she'd want to talk about the boys the moment she'd seen them in the hospital but I had no clue how to answer her. If I told her the truth, that I barely knew them and that we were just acquaintances, she'd refuse to believe me. Even I could hardly believe that statement. The four of us had only known each other for a few days and yet I was going to dinner with them tonight. Something had worked between us, something had fallen into place and although I couldn't decipher what it was, I knew it made us something more special.

"They're these boys I met at school V. I'm going out to dinner with them tonight," I said and Violet looked like I'd just electrocuted her. I was genuinely worried for a second before I realized she was merely being overdramatic as always.

"You're going on a date tonight and you're telling me now," she asked, her eyes bugging out. She was honestly terrifying at times and usually she had a reason. At the moment however I was clueless as to why she looked like she was having a seizure. Was it because I was going out with three boys, and not one?

"V it's not a date, or at least I don't think it is," I said, my voice trailing off. Did I want this to be a date? It couldn't be, could it? There was after all three boys there, not one. I couldn't go on a date with all three of them.

Violet must have realized how confused I was as she immediately turned off her hyperactive self and took my hand in her own, ready to give me advice. Neither of us had much experience with romance, but she understood boys well, most likely because she had 3 brothers at home to take care of. More importantly, she understood me well and knew exactly what dreaded question she needed to ask.

"Roe do you want this to be a date," she asked softly and I tore my hand out of hers to pace the room. Would she judge me, if a part of me wanted this to be a date despite the fact that there were three boys there? What did it make me, to want to go on a date with three boys?

"I just want to get to know them V," I said, and that was the truth, or at least a part of it. I liked them on first impression and I wanted to build something more between us. Whether that was friendship or not was what I couldn't puzzle out.

"Roe."

I couldn't look at her. I'd sounded so desperate before, so desperate for love. It was bad enough to feel it, but to express it out in the open was humiliating to the core.

"Roe look at me."

I looked up then, but I didn't meet her eyes.

"Don't over think it. Take it slow Roe, and see where it goes," she said and I nodded. Just one step at a time, the first being this dinner. It wouldn't be a date, just a casual meeting with friends and nothing else.

But why was my heart racing so fast at the prospect of it being the start of something more?

The doorbell rang just an hour before dinner with the boys, and for a split second I thought they'd come to pick me up. However, instead, I was greeted with the sight of my weary grandfather as he leaned against my door with a solemn expression on my face. I didn't need to question him to know that his visit was concerning my mother.

"What's wrong?"

He said nothing for a split second before handing me a note. I unfolded it with shaking hands before silently scanning it. I couldn't believe I'd been obsessing over three boys' just minutes before when I had so many more important things to worry about, my mother being on top of the list. How had I not devoted myself to finding her help?

The note was simple but it sent a jagged bolt of pain through my heart. Another dreadful side of my mother had come to light and I felt hopeless when I realized I had no clue what to do, no clue how to bring her back to the women she'd been before my father's death.

Darling, bring the money and I'll take you however you'd like.

I blinked back tears as I looked back up at my grandfather. He looked so ashamed as he met my eyes. There was so much hurt there. His own daughter had after all turned to this and he no doubt blamed himself for it like I did.

"Where is she Nonno?"

"Home. She refuses to speak to anyone but you," he said, his voice ragged like he'd been crying. It broke my heart to see him this way, so helpless. I felt a surge of anger towards my mother for putting this kind man through this kind of pain at his age. He deserved so much better.

"Let's go," I said and I took my grandpa's hand as I followed him to the car. My mind was back on autopilot; unable to comprehend that I was going to see my mother after five months apart. And yet it seemed like yesterday when she'd left this house, unable to choose me. That wound still ran deep and this encounter with her would only make it all the more painful.

But she needed me right now, so I threw up walls around my heart and buried my wounds deep, praying this visit wouldn't shatter the strength I'd spent five months trying to salvage.

She hadn't changed one bit. The same baby blue eyes with that familiar gleam, the same strong side profile that showed we were related by blood. She was propped against the wall of the bedroom she was staying in at my grandparents' house...and she was drunk out of her mind. This new, unstable version of her was terrifying to behold. There would be no filter to what she'd say, and I could already picture my heart breaking at her words.

And yet, underneath all the fear and anxiety I felt, that love for her still thrummed strong. My mother, my family, my constant in this world was falling apart before my eyes and the sight of it dealt more damage to my heart than her words ever could.

We stood there, taking each other in silently before my mother peeled herself off the wall and stumbled forward, roughly taking my face in her hands. Her breath stank of alcohol and it took all my effort not to scrunch my nose at the vile odor.

"You're here. I knew you would come," she breathed, and my heart stopped at the utter agony and relief in those words. She'd missed me. At least that much was blindingly obvious. Her fingers were gentle on my face and her face brightened with a smile. A drunk smile, but a smile nevertheless. It was slightly disappointing to think she wouldn't remember any of this the following morning.

"Hi mom," I said, my eyes closing on their own accord under her touch, my hand coming up to clutch hers. Why couldn't we be like this all the time? What drove us apart?

"I see you've gained weight."

I flinched at the first blow to my walls. Ah there it was, the reason why we couldn't live in those peaceful moments forever. I opened my eyes as my mother backed away to lean against the wall once more, and the distance between us once again threatened to swallow me whole. But this time, I couldn't let it. If I allowed myself to succumb to emotion once more, I'd never accomplish what I'd come here for.

"Why are you doing this," I said, gesturing to her drunken, stumbling state. She only gave me a confused look in return.

"I lost my dreams and my daughter and I've learned that this is the best medicine," she said before collapsing to the floor, her head leaned against the wall. I didn't move to pick her up. She'd only fall again anyway.

"What about the man you're paying to f," I started in anger, before realizing that she wouldn't remember any of this, and even if she did, she wouldn't do anything about it. 

At that moment, I was bone deep tired of her. Her weakness, her selfishness, her harsh words, there was only so much my love for her could forgive. But what she was putting my grandfather and I through was horrid. He'd have to live out the rest of his life knowing he hadn't raised his daughter well and watch her fall apart in front of his eyes. Was there anything more painful for a parent to witness?

I closed my eyes and recalled the hurt I'd seen before in his eyes. I called forth all the times she'd wronged not just him, but me as well. All the times I'd felt like I wouldn't live to see another day due to her handiwork. When I opened my eyes, she was looking at me curiously before her eyes widened in realization. She was my mother after all, and I was sure she knew what I was about to say before I even opened my mouth.

"I won't come see you again, not until you stop this bullshit. I care about you but I can't help you if you refuse to help yourself."

I turned around; ready to flee the house before I changed my mind but an arm stopped me. My mother's no doubt.

"What do you mean? You can't leave."

I gritted my teeth at her words before spinning around and deftly removed her arm from mine. Hurt flashed across her eyes but I ignored it. It was nothing compared to the pain she'd dealt me. The darkest part of me even reveled in that tinge of hurt.

"Goodbye mother."

I turned to leave once again, but now desperation had taken over my mother and she spun me around, her hands tight around my arms, eyes wild.

"No you can't. I'll kill myself if you leave," she said and my eyes widened in shock. Was she threatening me into staying? Had she stooped so low? At that moment, I couldn't recognize her. She was trying to use my love for her as a weapon against me. Is this how she'd used my grandfather's love for her? Is this how she'd earned a place in his house and then gone out behind his back to hurt him so cruelly? Our love was just a pawn for her wasn't it? Had she no guilt over the pain she was causing those around or was she so self-centered as to not even notice.

"You won't kill yourself mother. You're too weak to make that decision and you don't love me enough to kill yourself over my departure," I said, my voice turning bitter towards the end before I headed out the door. Grandfather would save her but I couldn't. The smallest part of me didn't see anything worth saving. Her downward spiral had started a long time before she'd turned to alcohol and men and it would take nothing short of a miracle to save her now.     

One of my longest chapters yet! I'm sorry there was no date scene but there will be one soon so don't hate me just yet. Hope you liked this chapter and if you did don't forget to vote and comment below. Also, if you really really really loved it, then tell your friends and family and even your dog to read it to. 

600 reads! Thanks you so so so so so much! You guys are absolutely amazing. Your support means the world to me <3

Love

-ASH