This chapter is split into two parts considering its very long so don't be surprised at the slightly abrupt ending. _______________________________________________________________________________

My grandfather and I sat next to each other in silence until the fire started to dim slightly. My eyes drooped and I resisted the urge to fall asleep on his shoulder. Hadn't I come down here to ask him something?

"Roe if you're tired you should sleep upstairs," Nonno suggested as he moved slightly to help me up. I caught his arm and jerked him back down next to me. He was puzzled but sat down anyways. I rubbed at my tired eyes as I leaned back on the head of the sofa and faced the ceiling. I couldn't look at him when I said these words.

"I think I made a mistake." Nonno was silent, waiting for me to carry on. These words were so much heavier on my chest than I'd anticipated. It hurt my boys, it hurt my mom and it hurt me all at once.

"I think I used them Nonno. I think I used their love to repair my broken heart when Mom left. Mom thought I replaced her with them and I think I did." My voice cracked halfway. I prayed for my eyes to remain dry as I stared up at the ceiling. But a few treacherous tears escaped anyway. How could they not when the guilt was like a noose around my throat? When I'd used the people I loved to heal myself? I'd given them her house, her room and a place in my heart almost equal to the place she held. I'd found happiness in them when I should have been grieving over the woman that had walked out my door. I'd replaced her and used them to mend the pieces she left my heart in. There was no forgiveness for that.

The word selfish thrummed through my veins and I felt its burn like it was branded on my skin.

"Love mends broken hearts. It's how your mother healed her heart and how you healed yours. Love heals sweetpea." My head snapped to his now. How did he sound so calm and serious? How was there no accusation in that voice?

"Yes but you shouldn't fall in love with a person just to heal yourself should you?" Nonno looked at me like I was speaking in a completely different language. He made an exasperated sound as I failed to take the point he'd made. Selfish, selfish selfish, it was all I could here. How did he not hear it too?

"Roe you were in a bad place. Your heart was broken. You fell in love with those three boys not because you wanted to heal but because you simply loved them. Maybe you played with the idea of being in love with them because you wanted to mend your heart but you wouldn't still be with them if that were the only reason." My Nonno inched closer and took my shaking hands in his. I willed my hands to go still and to open my heart to what he was saying. He'd never been wrong about this kind of thing before. It was why I'd come to him in the first place.

"You have your mother back. You're in a much better place. Would you leave them now?" The answer was no, not in a million years. I loved them with everything I had. Oh god I was such a fool.

"I didn't use them," I muttered. The weight on my chest lifted. Nonno's lips turned up in a smile.

"You love them just like you love your mother. That doesn't mean you replaced her with them. You just love them both and through fate, both loves came to you one after another and one of them broke you while the other one healed you." I was the luckiest person in the world for that. They'd come along just when I'd needed them.

"I'm such a fool. Thank you. Thank you." I leaned forward to place a kiss on Nonno's forehead before racing up the stairs taking it two at a time. I hoped Nonno got some sleep after this. As I neared the door to the bedroom, I heard utter silence inside. My heart pounded as I opened the door. Had they left through the window or something? Somehow, I didn't think they would be asleep.

No they were still there and wide-awake. Ivan was pacing the room angrily giving off his usual intense, wild agitation. Alexei sat exactly where I'd left him just staring at the spot I'd been sitting in like I'd disappeared into thin air at that point. His head snapped to the door when he heard it open.

Only Mikhail looked moderately composed as he lay on the bed with a book in hand. He knew I'd sort this out. All three of their heads snapped up when I walked in and I swallowed under the weight of their gazes. I looked at Mikhail. I could see his relief as his eyes searched my face for any lingering signs of distress and relief shown through on his face when he found none. Nevertheless, I owed them an explanation.

"I'm sorry for acting out. I didn't mean to. I just thought I'd replaced her and I used you and," Ivan cut me off with a wave of his hand as he came to stand in front of me. His agitation had ceased as soon as I'd walked into the room and I realized how on edge I'd put him in my own stupidity.

"It's been a long day." I exhaled loudly in defeat and looked down at his feet. I'd acted like a child and I could barely meet his eyes. It had been a long day and I'd cried enough to fill a bathtub. Somehow, they understood and accepted my outburst. Or perhaps we were all just too tired to speak of it now. I put on the sweater I'd thrown over the side of the bed and crawled into bed between them. Their warmth came close and I buried my face in Alexei's chest. This was love. I hope I never doubted it again.

"I love you." Three muttered I love you's echoed back and Alexei planted a kiss on the top of my head as my eyes finally drifted shut. Nervous energy still kept me awake though even though my eyes were closed. Just when I'd thought he'd fallen asleep, Alexei spoke.

"You don't have it in you to use someone to heal yourself Roe. You're the kind of person who'd rather get used a thousand times over than use someone else." He said it with a soft anger that came out of anger on my behalf. I pondered over his weighted words before realizing the extent of the truth in them. It's exactly what I'd done all my life.

"Like my mother used me. And I let her." I'd realized that long ago but I'd never heard it from someone else. It sounded different, viler than it did in my head. Alexei looked down at me and gently traced the side of my face like it was made of porcelain. His eyes had a faraway look in them once more as he began to speak in a low tone.

"When the three of us found you that night crumpled on the sidewalk, I didn't know what to think. I didn't even know what was happening until Ivan wrapped his jacket around you and thrust you into my arms so he could hail a cab. Mikhail was rapidly explaining the whole situation in my ear but I wasn't really hearing him. There was just a faint buzz in my ears as I held you closer to my body. You were so still and it scared the hell out of me even though I didn't even know you. I can still remember how you felt and every time I remember, I have to hold you close again to make sure you're here, by my side and not heartbreakingly still like you were in that moment. You were so small, so delicate and you weighed nothing and I hated whatever had prompted you to do that to yourself. I hated the fact that you almost died before we could find you. I hated whatever kept you from telling anyone about it until it was too late. A part of me still does." His voice was an overflow of sadness, anger and desperation. I squeezed his hand tightly in mine. I knew the meaning behind his words. Even if I chose to forgive my mother, Alexei may not. He might never be able to. His head bowed like he thought I'd be angry with him.

How could I be when I felt the same about Ivan's father? Alexei had already forgiven him but I couldn't, not ever. Not when until this day, Alexei was still blind just as I was still underweight.

Because it hurt a million times more to see the people you love get hurt than you. And it would take a miracle to forgive people for hurting something you loved. Because ultimately, you placed the people you loved higher than you ever placed yourself. Or at least I did.

"Can you ever forgive her?" Alexei went still at the silence, seemingly deliberating between telling the truth and telling a lie to appease me. His eyes were shimmering with tears. I moved closer to him and wrapped my arms around his body.

"I will try. For you I will try. But if she or anyone else tries to use you in the way she did, I won't stand for it. None of us will. I don't care if you hate me for the rest of my life but I won't let anyone else use you even if you love them with all your heart." He loved me enough to earn my hatred if only to save me from the blindness of my own love. This was real love, to put our love second to my wellbeing. I snuggled closer to him and buried my face in his chest. He didn't need to worry or make any of those promises.

"I won't let anyone use me again. I learned the consequences of it the hard way." Alexei gripped me just a bit harder but when I tilted my head up there was a small smile on my face that radiated a sense of pride. The clouds of sadness in his eyes cleared as he said whatever he needed to say.

"If someone tries to use you though, will you let Ivan kick their ass?" I laughed as I nodded and the sound must have woken up Ivan for he shifted next to me. He turned to face us with a still sleepy face, his eyes lidded.

"Why are you two still up? Get some sleep." His sleepy voice was so husky and deep. It never failed to thrill me just a bit. When he realized we'd probably end up talking some more, he shifted me easily so he was lying between Alexei and me and pulled us both close to his body. His eyes shuttered closed again. Alexei glared at him but it seemed to have no effect.

"I was talking to our girlfriend about serious issues before you so rudely interrupted you imbecile." No response. Alexei gritted his teeth in frustration as Ivan's eyes continued to stay closed. His grip around me tightened however. He was just messing with Alexei as usual. I hid my giggle in Ivan's shoulder.

"He's such a cuddly teddy bear. I mean look at him right now. The only thing that would complete the look would be if he started sucking his thumb or something." I couldn't help but laugh out loud and rolled off the bed with a yelp when Ivan suddenly rose up and smashed the pillow under his head on Alexei's face. Alexei let a surprised yelp as he moved his hands to protect his face.

"Still look like a teddy bear to you now?" Alexei, being the moron he was when it came to teasing Ivan just kept going even when I could practically see the smoke coming out of Ivan's ears. He was pissed at being woken up in the middle of what must have been a nice sleep.

"Aww Mr. Teddy is throwing a wittle tantrum because he couldn't get his sleep." Ivan moved to smash the pillow on Alexei's head once more but was stopped by hand. Mikhail had finally woken up with the entire ruckus going on. His golden brown eyes were narrowed on both the boys.

"What in God's name is going on here?" I realized how insane we must look, with me laughing like a maniac while sitting on the floor, Ivan's face all red and angry and Alexei's hands still up and protecting his face. Mikhail looked more and more confused and horrified as he took in the scene before him. 

TO BE CONTINUED...

Its honestly amazing how they can go from serious talks to acting like goofballs within two seconds. If you enjoyed the fluff, the banter and a bit more insight on what the boys felt when they found Roe that night, then go ahead and click the little star and comment down below. The reason there's so much fluff is cause their problems are going to catch up to them as soon as they get home and there won't be anytime for cuddling then. 

Also thank you so much for 30K. I'm obviously not a professional writer by any means so thank you for sticking with this story despite its multitude of grammar mistakes, spelling errors and occasional plot holes as well. I've also wanted to say this for quite some time now to any of you out there who are thinking of writing a story. The hardest part of a book is sticking with it. I'm sure all of you guys have amazing ideas in your head and some of you have even put down a chapter or two on paper. The hard part is sticking with it. There are so many times I didn't feel like writing another chapter or I felt that my ideas were too cliché and overused. I'm sure you've felt the same way sometimes too. And maybe some of them are. But at the end of the day, you thought of it, you thought it would fit with your story and you like the scene you imagined in your head. Just write it and keep writing. Soon you'll get to 10 chapters, then 15, and then 30. The boredom hits then and you think of another story you could write that seems a thousand times more interesting and suddenly your entire book seems to dim in comparison.

That's only because you've already written your entire book in your head. You've already thought about it over and over. The way you see your book is completely different from the way everyone else will because to them, it's brand new.

What I'm trying to say is that for anyone who's writing a book or thinking of writing one, go for it and stick with it. If you need a shoutout or a couple of reads to get you started, don't hesitate to message me. Don't stop writing on this website, not just cause you've got a huge number of people waiting for your ideas and you're bound to find someone who's interested in your book but because you owe it to yourself and your creativity for coming up with an amazing idea in your head.

I'm sorry for the ramble that probably doesn't make much sense but the gist of it is push through and keep writing and you'll find the result you want at the end of the day.

Love

-ASH