I switch myself over to the specialized wheelchair that was given to me so we can get started.  She shows me how to move it and to do wheelies and different things like that. It feels different. It feels relieving. I wont just be sitting there singing or playing a piano. I can actually move around and show some cool tricks while I'm at it. But that doesn't mean I dont still wish I could dance. 

I grew up dancing, world surrounded dancing and becoming an idol. I'm gonna prove to my last company that I still deserved to be an idol. That I didn't choose to be paralyzed from the waste down. That people will love me even if Im wheelchair bound. 

Once we finish up learning everything I need to learn I look to her, "How did you become wheelchair bound? How did you get out of the wheelchair? How long did it take?" I knew I was throwing questions left and right but I couldn't help myself. If there was a secret miracle out there I didn't know about then I wanted to find out. If I could walk, run, and dance again I'd be set.

She smiles slightly," I was in a horrible car crash with my fiancé. It took his life and paralyzed me. I felt hopeless.... I felt depressed. I lost the love of my life and now I couldnt dance. Just like you my world revolved around it. It was my everything and it was taken in a second. Everything was." My heart clenched she lost the love of her life and her dream all in one night. Just like I lost someone who I saw as a brother and my dream. She looks me in the eyes, "Theres no secret miracle Ayeong. You just need hope, people you love around you, and the same determination you got when you danced. I decided I wasn't going to give into the darkness. My decision was to fight the darkness until I won and took it down." 

A tear slips and I look down. Was that really the problem? Was I given into the darkness? She left with a goodbye as I was lost in my thoughts. I think back to how I've been living my life since the shooting. I really have been giving into the darkness. Everyone I love has been suffering because I was selfishly living in the darkness I brought upon myself. More tears fall and I know the boys are staring so I quickly wipe them away, "I'll be heading to my studio to work on a theme and songs." 

I switch wheelchairs with the help of my manager(whom I just met not too long ago) and roll right out of there. Manager Hak leads me to my studio which I gaze in astonishment. I've never had my own studio as I was never able to get that far. We sit down and I think of some concepts. "Um could we go from dark to breaking through and then light Hak?" I question. He sits there for a bit pondering over my idea and shakes his head, "I think many people would find it relatable. Also, since a lot of disabled and mental health people look up to you they could watch you break through and show them how to."  

Although that is why I want to do it, I can't help but feel like I can't show them. I can't show them because I myself have not broke through. I still struggle. I still want to die sometimes. I still wonder why it had to be me. I too have negative thoughts roaming my head like them.  Maybe I'll break through by the time I release my break through album.  A producer comes in and helps me with little bits and pieces of my first album. I love the music so far and how I've expressed myself in it. 

We finish a few of the songs and by the time I check my phone I see it's very late. "Well I'll wrap it up here since its late and I dont want to overwork anyone. See its 9:30 PM." I say while showing them the time on my phone. My manager leads me out to my personal car provided to me and we head out. As soon as I get home I see that the 7 men I live with aren't here. I look to the stairs knowing I can't get up by myself which makes my heart ache. I never realized until now how much I'd long to be able to walk up stairs again.

I think to my past self complaining and cursing about the stairs. Not knowing that I'd never be able to walk up them again. Not knowing that one day I'd wish I could just take even one step up one. I roll my way into the living room and get onto the couch. I pull the throw blanket on the couch over me and soon drift to sleep.