The day I always dread is here, my birthday. Why should I celebrate another successful year of suffering. Its pointless.  I always dreamed that by this age I'd be taking the world by storm, yet Im here sitting in a pit of sorrow in my little wheel chair. My parents walk into my room with my best friend Aeri. "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you," they start to sing and I just sit watching. No emotion on my face like usual. The fake smiles are obvious. I see the sadness in my Eomma's eyes, I hear her cries at night, and I know the thoughts running through her mind. 

Why my daughter? Can we please get a miracle? My daughters suffering and I cant help her. So many thoughts that I know also run through my father and friends mind. Aeri was homeschooled. thank god, so she didnt go to school with me. 

I blow out the candles without making a peep. My father frowns, yet doesnt say anything. He knows I wont answer anyways. The outgoing lovable girl he knew died that day. Although I didnt die the girl I was did.

My mother gives me a sad smile while saying, " I know what'll get you to finally talk". I give her questioning eyes that she ignores while she reached to grab four pieces of paper out. Once their sitting in my lap I realize their not normal pieces of paper. Their VIP passes/ tickets to see BTS.  Still without using my voice I give my mom a look that says 'really'?!?! She smiles while nodding. My eomma goes on to explain how their for all of us including Aeri to go.

This gave me slight happiness after three years of just being able to feel sadness Im feeling happy. Just slightly though, true happiness would be the miracle that my family and I wish for. I looked to find when the concert would be and when I read the date my eyes widen. The concert is THREE DAYS AWAY. Im not ready for this. What would I wear?

"Ayeong-ah," My mother calls me by my name. I look up to meet her eyes and I see a glint of an emotion I havent seen from her in a long time in her eyes, excitement. "Your father and I were able to get ahold of their manager. You get to have a private meet and greet with them," she tells me and my eyes widen. Im definitely not ready for this!!

How am I going to look them in the eye? I failed them all. I lost hope, I lost my will to live.....

I stopped loving myself.

All they want from ARMYs are for us to be strong and love ourselves. Sadly I cant. Sadly I never will again. Im stuck in this agonizingly painful life of mine.

Once my family leaves the room a tear falls down my eye. I havent cried in 2 years. For 2 years Ive been numb. Yet Im sitting here crying because I know the truth.....

Im a failure.

I look into the mirror my weird hazel eyes staring back at me and then roaming the rest of me. I look disgusting. Eyes puffy, bags under them, hairs a mess, pajamas sloppily thrown on, and no make-up on to hide me.

I punch the mirror at full force shattering it. My mother runs in and quickly inspects me from head to toe. "Dear lord Ayeong!!! Are you alright?!?," she says super quickly but I look to her pain evident in my eyes. "No! Im not alright! Look at me Eomma Im ugly, broken, and I'll never live the life I've always yearned for," I practically yell/cry. My voice was hoarse from not being used in so long.

She brings me into a hug, "Stop being stuck this way and try to find a new purpose in life." I sigh because I know shes right. Except, I cant just find something new. It feels like.... Betrayal.