CHAPTER TWO.
" hesitance "

WORD COUNT :
3,062

IT WAS nearly two months later and to say the least, it had been exhausting, physically and mentally, to settle into Alexandria. Aaron assured me that I could stay in his and Eric's shared home until further notice.

I learned this place was serious about letting people take refuge here, because I was interviewed by a woman named Deanna who told me she was in charge of this place. She also told me that I would be a nice fit into her community, although after several questions about my past, to each I never gave the full truth. Why should a stranger know of my journeys?

The second thing I had noticed about Alexandria was that no firearms were carried inside of the walls. That meant I was to turn in my lonesome pistol. The handgun had my initials carved into them - "CJJ", it read. The firearm I had grown so fond of only held a singular bullet, and along with that bullet was a reason I'd never disregard.

I kept one, no matter what, even if the bullet was the only thing between me and imminent death - whether it be a biter or a survivor. I always counted each shot I'd fire, without fail, all to save a bullet I planned to use for myself in the most dire situation.

A bullet I'd send out of my gun with my own finger pressing the trigger, breathing in my final breath. If I were to go, it'd be on my own, conscious volition - not walkers, not another person.

Me.

I'd always seen death as a walk on the plank. Below was thrashing waters that pushed against the rocks as harshly as it always had. This harsh sea that I had learned was called death was always here, waiting for the moment I'd make an appearance to join it as one. In my mind, once you were on the plank, it was over. The decision was made. But I'd still have one last choice to make, and I already knew my answer.

In that position, on the plank, you had three choices: jump, fall, or be pushed. I would jump. If there was one option I had crossed out, it was the fall. And I most certainly would not be pushed, whether it be out of mercy or not. I wouldn't have the decision made for me. So I saved a bullet. Always.

The Alexandrians had been very welcoming, but I was still skeptical, and they seemed to catch onto that.

As much as I hated parting with the gun that had saved my life on multiple occasions, part of me was glad they took it. The only place I had encountered that let me keep my gun was a community that later took them anyway and locked me in a train car where I awaited 'meal-prep'.

Yep, they ate people. Those... Termites tore the flesh from the bone with no regard where it originated... or maybe they did have regard for it. Maybe that made their meal all the better, that it had come from someone they led into a trap. Someone they could have befriended and became much stronger than they originally were. Someone they rendered helpless, all on their own.

Possibly, for them, eating humans evoked a feeling much stronger than that of a squirrel roasting above the crackling fire would provide. The feeling of victory - victorious, they were, because they had slaughtered their way closer to being the last people on Earth. The chosen ones. They had marked their own journey, leaving a trail of blood and bones in their path.

I hadn't, until now, thought of their state. Maybe they were alive and thriving, still leading more people into the jaws of death that I had so merely escaped. Perhaps, in positive thinking, they had been slaughtered - a taste of their own medicine. Maybe their home was in flames, adding smoke to the sky that acted as a beacon for the dead. I can only hope that, if so, whoever held the match was alive and well like they deserved after putting an end to Terminus' reign. If Terminus was truly over like I hoped, whoever ended it did what I couldn't. What I didn't have the strength to do.

One could only hope. For the sake of Artemis - a woman who I'd considered a big sister and a best friend, one who had led the way to refuge - who they'd murdered mercilessly.

I REMEMBER how we'd stayed in the train car longer than the others in our group. The train car that was once near-filled to the brim slowly thinned out, clearing the once stuffy air. While my lungs had been cleared, breathing in oxygen rather than carbon dioxide, my mind had done nothing but fill with more thoughts and possibilities. Where was my group? Were they dead? Nothing but a memory and a source of food for these monsters? Was I alone once again?

I recall the reason they'd kept Artemis and I longer. Artemis had a nasty wound on her leg, a thick and deep slash caused by a broken car's rusted bumper. It was most definitely infected, so much so that you could hardly tell if the wound was a slash or a bite. The Terminus residents didn't seem to want to take their chances with her, for a reason I could only assume was to avoid consuming tainted meat.

And then, that left me. The malnourished child who would provide no real food source, and therefore no real benefit to murdering.

At the end of the road, Artemis and I were the last in the train car. Everyone else was gone, and one could only assume that was into the stomachs of their murderers. I could only hope their deaths were painless. I wanted so badly to cry, feeling out of place with Artemis'. Sob after sob wracked through her body, leaving her face stained with the tears that I, myself, had grown so unfamiliar with.

The first time I ever saw her cry was in that box, after her boyfriend, Louis, was dragged out of the cart, the salty liquid leaving trails in the midst of the grime that covered her face. Eventually, she wept so much that the tears had rid her face of the caked dirt, leaving her with only her thoughts and a drenched face.

I had so badly wanted to cry alongside her, to show her that she was not alone in her grief, but I couldn't.

One day, men had opened the train cart's door, pulling us out as the sunlight burned our irises. It was finally our time, this agony had come to an end. It was, at last, time to see if our deaths would be painless, and the mystery would finally be revealed if our friends - no, our family - had died quick.

Soon, ropes were tied over our wrists, gags were shoved in our mouths. We were dragged into a room - I was only able to conclude this because the painful rays of sunshine had stopped burning my cornea, as it had even through my shut eyes. I heard sawing as my ribs were slammed into a metal basin that I had only seen once I opened my damaged eyes.

I remember craning my head sideways, being met with Artemis' defeated eyes and clenched jaw. She simply nodded, as if she knew this would be a goodbye. I nodded in return, sending her a smile - those were pleasantries that I rarely provided, and so it held more weight - a sign to her that I knew what was to come and was content as I could possibly be with it.

Dying alongside a girl I called my sister, no matter the method, didn't seem so bad. Even if it wasn't at my own hands. Even if I was being pushed off of the plank I had become all too familiar with, rather than jumping. At the very least, I was being pushed along my sister.

The two men who were stood at the table with a body on it (now I knew what the sawing noises I heard were) finally diverting their attention to Artemis and I, walking over. One equipped a baseball bat, and the other a sickeningly sharp knife. The method of death I would be victim to.

They walk closer, staring at Artemis and I. The only two at the basin. The last two.

Then, their leader, Gareth, walked into the room holding a clipboard, his eyes squinting in confusion as they met us. "Hey, what are they doing here? I thought we were doing car C today." He spoke, and I absolutely loathed him. I loathed him for possessing the ability to speak so calmly on the subject of slaughtering people.

"They've been here for days. Almost a week." One of the men that stood behind Artemis replied with a nervous voice.

"Yeah, thanks, Jonas, I got that." Gareth replied with sarcasm, lifting the notepad in his hands as if it were obvious. "They aren't scheduled for this, not today. Not that you need to know a reason, but they'd be no good to us right now. Infected leg, and this one has like, no meat on her bones." He said, pointing to each of us as he spoke, but his eyes lingered on me. "I'm not killing a kid for nothing. Yet, at least."

Wow, great code of morals, Gareth. Foolproof, really.

"But, sir, if we keep them any longer-"

"Fine. Kill them, I don't care. Just clear out car C today, too."

"Hey!" I shouted through my gag, sparing a glance to Artemis who simply shook her head as though to say 'no'. Regardless, I didn't heed her warning, shouting for Gareth once again after I saw him beginning to walk away. "Hey! I'm talking to you!"

I heard him sigh before turning around, taking a few steps forward before crouching down to my level, yanking the fabric out of my mouth. "Yes, Sweetheart?"

Sweetheart. The nickname I had once known as endearing send a chill to my heart, cooling my arteries and freezing my veins. I sneered at him, "One day, someone will come here and kill you. I don't know how or when, but I know they will. You better be ready, because I know if I were them, I'd make it slow and painful. Killing you in every way even you didn't know you feared. Leaving you to bleed out just like you did all of the people you lured here." I finished, sending him a fake grin, all too sweet, as if I hadn't said what I just did.

The man chuckles, as if he'd really found this entertaining. "Alright, Kid." He moved to put the gag back into my mouth, but I shouted,

"Wait!" He sighed as though I'd been wasting his precious time, and he dropped the gag as he waited for me to speak. Except, I didn't. I simply spit in his face, a smirk appearing on my face afterward when his taunting smile turned into a scowl. Gareth wiped my saliva from his face immediately, shoving the gag back into my mouth harshly.

"You know what?" He chuckled, walking behind me a hoisting me up to my feet all by grabbing onto my hand restraints. He didn't finish his earlier sentence, speaking to the men, "Go ahead." He tried to turn me around, but he didn't manage to before I caught a glimpse of a bat slamming into Artemis' head and a knife slicing her throat. I couldn't tear my eyes from the sorrowful sight, watching as my best friend's blood poured into the basin.

I was shoved into a wall before a blindfold was fastened over my head, and a calloused hand - that I considered at fault of Artemis' death - grasped onto my restraints again.

AFTER ABOUT three days where the only time I had left my room was to eat, Aaron insisted I go meet one of the many mothers within the walls, Jessie's, son, Ron and some other kids. I had tried to deny it, and even simply ignore him, but he eventually bribed me with a quarter bar of chocolate. A kid at heart.

After I tried to negotiate in a deal that would give me the chocolate without having to meet anyone, but he had nearly shoved me out of the door, and it was clear he debated leading me all the way to the house in an attempt to make sure I arrived. I never knew I was so easily persuaded - all it took to win me over was some chocolate. In my defense, the last time I had some of that candy was when Noah snuck me out of the house to go to the gas station a few blocks down. And that was years ago now. I think.

Days and weeks blend together when you're not counting, and at the end of the road, counting was useless. So, soon enough, you let the neglected concept of time consume you, and the efforts you can make to fight against it's grip are futile. Most things were, after all.

Eventually, in an attempt to fulfill my deal with Aaron, I made an appearance at the Anderson home, only knocking on the door after I studied the porch.

In front of the door laid a simple welcome mat. I never knew something that read 'welcome' would make me want to turn back so badly.

A woman with blonde hair who I recognized as Jessie opened the door, smiling wide at my appearance. "Cher! We were waiting for you. Ron and a couple of other kids are upstairs." She pushed the door further open, a small gesture as to say that I was welcome there.

Was I really?

I slowly walked up the staircase after Jessie urged me to with an ear-to-ear smile. The second to last step was creaky, a stark contrast to the previously silent steps. I don't know why I was so worried about a step creaking - it wasn't like I was clearing the house to stay for a night before beginning my journey on the road again like I had done so many times before. This was a family home, safe and away from harm. The only things that awaited upstairs for me were people my age, looking to make friends with me.

Maybe that's what feared me so much. Not the biters, not the killers, not the creaky step, but socializing. After everything I've been through, it's speaking with people that I was so cowardly and anxious about.

I knocked twice on the door that Jessie told me directions to, and a boy swung the door open similar to the way his mother had done to the front door.

"Hi! I'm Ron, you're Cher, right?" He spoke with an overly enthusiastic tone. He, along with Aaron, had one of those faces that made you want to bash it in with a baseball bat, but in an almost charming way. That begs the question:

Does everyone here have that face?

I nod, offering the smallest half-smile I could muster, watching as he swung the door open to reveal a boy-ish room, comic books strewn about on the floor and posters covering the walls. Like Noah's old room. "That's okay if you don't want to talk yet! It took Enid forever to say a word." He said, talking as if she weren't there. Well, maybe she wasn't. I assumed Enid was the girl sitting on the bed behind him.

"Oh, yeah! That's Mikey, and that's Enid." Ron introduces, pointing to each of them. Mikey, as I learned, tore his gaze from the video games in front of him to look at me and wave.

I looked to Enid, and she hadn't looked up from her book. I couldn't blame her, a good book could absorb you into a new world - one where it wasn't so much like this.

Ron sat next to Mikey, resuming his place in the seemingly intense game as I situated myself on end the bed where Enid sat at the head of. I had to admit, it was nice to have another girl around. Being alone is tough sometimes, but I bet hanging around with Ron and Mikey all day had to have been tiring. Poor Enid.

It was easy to get enveloped in the aura this room displayed, so much so that I hardly noticed when Enid cleared her throat. She pat the bed next to her, only glancing up from her book once in the process. I obliged, scooting up the bed to sit next to her. I peer over her shoulder, looking at the book she was reading.

"I know it can be hard." Enid's quiet voice appears, and I would have missed it, had my time in the wilderness not sharpened my hearing. "Settling in here, I mean. Sometimes I just wish I'd have stayed outside."

I was shocked that somehow a girl I just met shared the exact feelings as I did. It's like she read me like an open book while never actually looking up from her own book.

"Yeah. Me too." I whisper, reading along with her at this point. It was easy to forget what it was like to be dragged into a world of fiction, visualizing a life alongside princesses and dragons. A life of fantasy. "I'd do anything to go outside the walls one more time, even if I didn't leave this place forever."

"Really?" She inquired, looking up from her novel at last. I nod, confused at her peak of sudden interest in our conversation.

"Follow me." She smiled for the first time since my arrival, tossing her book down on the bed after marking her place and swinging her feet over the side of the bed.

"Where are we going?" I question, unsure of Enid's plan.

"You'll see. Just come on!" She whisper-yells, a small, nearly invisible smile on her face.

SALEM'S SOLILOQUY━

hhhhhhhh im not proud of
this one :/
(honestly lowkey
hate it)
anyways.
yeah!

im sorry for any spelling
or grammar mistakes, i wrote this at
3am :smile:

vote and comment! i love ur
feedback :)

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