Devans P.O.V
I grunt and bury my head in my pillow as light floods right onto my face. The light seems to find a way to face so I turn my head again...and again...and again but nothing works.

Finally I sigh in annoyance and get up. Growling to myself I walk over to the blinds and reach up to pull them down. I stop when a searing pain shoots up my arm. Quickly taking it down I hold my arm close to my chest.

"What the heck?" I mumble and pull my sleeve up while wincing. A white bandage covers my arm and I sigh then pull my sleeve back down. "Must be a pretty bad infection, must have cut myself pretty bad earlier." Wincing I slowly reach up and pull the blinds down covering up the beautiful California sunset.

Darkness takes over my room but I like it. Going over to my bed I sit and run my fingers through my greasy hair. "Must have been sleeping all day or something. I don't remember it getting dark so fast. Actually I don't remember just about any of yesterday at all, or the day before that."

Staring at the wall I rack my brain to try and remember what happened. I know I'm myself, well as much as myself as I can be these days, but I just can't place why I don't remember.

I squint as I see a small bottle of something on my desk. Standing I walk over and carefully pick it up. It's medicine for amnesia or something like that. Curious and angry I turn the bottle over to the instructions. "Give to desired patient until doctor says to stop. Do not give to patient after expired."

Curiously I find the expiration date. "It expired yesterday. What is this doing here? Is it for someone else?" Slowly I put it down and take a step back. I look down at the ground and feel my feet moving without me telling them too. They carry me to the other side of the room, then turn and start for the other side.

"Why is that there? What has been happening? Why is life so confusing and hard right now?!" I stop in front of my mirror and squint to see myself in the dark. All that comes back is a skinny frame with pale skin, swollen arms, messed up greasy hair, and deep bags under a pair of eyes that have no life left.

I look down at my hands and see the grease from my hair coated on my skin. "That's disgusting." Sighing I glance to my door and consider running to the bathroom for a quick shower, but I'll have to see them or talk to them later so I drop the idea. "I'm already disgusting and horrid to look at so why bother."

    I look back up but something else catches my eyes. A picture of Collins and I when we were toddlers snuggling with our parents as they read us a book. I can't stop a smile from creeping into my lips as I take the framed picture into my greasy hands.

Dad's reading the book with Collins on his lap while I'm curled up on mom who has her head on dads shoulder. I smile as pain comes over my heart. "Why can't everything go back to that? When everyone was happy and all we wanted was one more book before bed."

Sighing I put the picture down. "It's not that way anymore, it's all gone." I hang my head as tears fall. "It's all my fault. All my stupid fault, I did this and I deserve what's happening." Looking back at myself in the mirror I have a strong urge to punch something. Tears are falling more steadily down my pale face as I look around the room for something to put me back in my place.

    I can faintly see the shape of the knife on my desk and my heart quickens. "Yes!" Walking over I pick it up, but something else catches my eye. My notebooks and I stop "I...I should write stuff down. It's what I've always done, maybe just for now I'll do that." Hesitating I look back at the knife then take a deep breath and set it down.

    Before I can go back to the knife I grab my notebooks and turn around. Opening them all up I throw them down on my desk and take a step back. "These must be mostly the notebooks I write in. The ones with more drawings must be around here somewhere." I look around my room for them.

    I have my writing notebooks, with some drawings in them, and then I have the notebooks that I sketch my ideas down in, and some with both. The ones of writing is where I write down my deepest thoughts. I don't think anyone really knows about them, I keep them hidden away pretty well.

    Shrugging I give up and turn back to see the pile of notebooks and writing.

    "Wow I kinda wrote a lot, although this is over years." I start flipping through them until I come up with dates. Grabbing one from 2005 I hold it until I find one from 2007.

Putting the one with my seven year old self inside on the edge of the desk I put the other one next to it. I keep doing that until I've got all them set up in chronological order and I'm satisfied.

Sitting down at my desk, I pick up the one from 2005. As soon as I open the notebook my seven year old self starts talking to me. 'So today mom told us we were going to Disney land!! I'm so excited and I know Collins' is too, we've always talked about going and I can't wait! We're going to be there for 3 days! And mom said we can go to both parks!'

I smile as the memory of all this flashes through my mind. Mom had sat both of us down and told us we were going to a happy place. 'The happiest place on earth' she had said. It took me a minute longer than Collins to figure it out, but once I did we both started screaming and hugging each other.

    I feel a tear fall down my cheek as I stare at my seven year old excited scribbles on the paper. "I miss that. When we would get so excited about things and celebrate together. When he would bring me into everything."

    I look at my next notebook. 'I just don't get it sometimes. Why am I the one who's always way to shy? Collins and I were at the park with his friends and I had never met them before. I was guessing they were nice because Collins wouldn't be friends with them if they weren't, but I was still super shy. What would they think about me? What would they say? I was super scared so I hung back and it took Collins a bunch of tries to get me to talk and then a bunch more to get me to move! I just don't get why I have to be that one.'

Sighing I look back up at my favorite picture of Collins and I, though I've never told him it's my favorite. "And I won't tell him. Ever. He doesn't need to know, it'll make me look like I miss him when I don't!" It's us when we were young, and I was still a baby. Collins is pushing me in a swing and we're both smiling.

The picture becomes blurry as more tears fall and I swiftly wipe them away. "You're so weak Devan. Stop crying so much what's the matter with you?!" I hear some plunks and look down to see my tears falling onto the notebooks, smearing the ink into puddles.

I close the notebook, set it on top of the last one and then turn to the next one. As I flip through the pages I see a lot of things are scribbled out and I know I was having an emotional day or couple days. My heart twists as I find a page that's almost all scribbled out. "I don't want to see this..."

Going against the pain in my heart I start reading. "Today just sucked. Why are there so many bullies?! This guy came up to me today and shoved me a bunch then told me I was stupid and that it was stupid to be guessing elevators. Collins came up and told him to leave and then told me not to listen, but how can I not? He's right and I know I shouldn't be letting him into my head, but I can't help but agree with him. I just don't see the joy in life sometimes. On a happy note though, I guessed the right elevator..."

I lean back in my chair with a sigh. That was the first day I met them, the first day they started ruining my life. "Wow they've been bothering my for a long time, and what have they done to me?" I look down "They've shown me my place." I whisper and stare at my bare feet. "Thank god they did though, I wouldn't never seen it myself, I'm actually glad they did this to me. Now I know, but they don't. Not yet."

Ignoring all my other notebook I reach for my latest one. Grabbing a pen from the bunch on my desk I click it on and flip to a new page. Reaching up I turn on my lamp then groan while my eyes adjust to the sudden brightness in my dark black room. Bending down I start writing.

    'Hey guys. By guys I mean you four and you know I'm talking to you. You might never get this, but I just wanted to say thanks. It's probably not something you ever hear coming from the person you've bullied for what, 10, 12 years? But you've shown me my place and honestly, I don't care anymore. If it weren't for you guys if never see what a worthless, stupid, weak, idiotic person I am. Maybe you're stronger for seeing and showing me when no one else would ever do that. No one else would tell me how worthless I am, but you guys did. You've shown me the real truth of who I am, that I don't belong in this world or any world. That no one loves me even if they say they do, and that I'm just a worthless stupid skinny person who wasn't supposed to be born and don't deserve what I have. I might never----'

Collins P.O.V
    I sigh and rub sleep from my eyes. I've been drifting off every now and then, but I always wake up thinking about Devan. I know something's wrong that he isn't telling, I just don't want him to keep it to himself anymore.

    Devan was never the kind of person to keep his feelings to himself...."right?! He's always been an open person and willing to try new things right? Or......has he always hidden his feelings and I've never know because I've never seen the real Devan. The real Devan who doesn't hold back?"

    Looking up I see mom walk into the living room. From here I can see bags under her eyes, the makeup can't even cover it up. "Mom? Devan will be ok right?" She opens her mouth to talk then stops. Biting her lip she looks down "I...I don't know Collins. I hope so, I don't think he knows how much we love him right now. We just need to be there for him ok? I hope it's just a phase he's going through."

    I look down at the carpet and blink back tears while nodding. Hearing footsteps coming closer, then feeling a hand on my cheek I look up to moms eyes. She seems to be checking my eyes before she says. "Get some sleep Collins. You need it." Hesitantly I nod and she kisses my forehead.

    Looking at my face with a sad smile one more time she leaves and I force my tired body up the stairs to my room. I lay on the bed and bury my face in the pillow.

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I'm so sorry for not updating guys! I really haven't had any inspiration the write these days but I've been trying. Thanks to everyone who kept me up on it, ya know who you are!

If you're wondering, Devans letter is not finished, but we'll have to wait for while to see the rest of it. I know I say this a lot but things are happening guys! Unfortunately really sad things but no pain no gain right?

Heads up right now, I'll be doing a chapter of just talking to you guys about upcoming events in this story and I'll probably post that then wait a day or two and follow up with the next chapter.

Hope you guys liked it! I'll be updating lost next so look for that!

Adios amigos!!
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