Klein

I never fell asleep on my own, I've always managed to dope myself up on some drug, just to numb me, just to freeze my thoughts from wandering, to cease the regrets I felt brewing in my gut, it was simple relief, and a quick fix to my own internal disasters. Unfortunately, in a federal prison I don't have the same luxury, which is why I'm finding myself staring at the rusted toilet before me, wondering why the hell did I allow myself to be so stupid. Closing my eyes would be pointless, I'd pop them back open again, pleading to god to make the pain stop, because every time I closed them, all I saw was Dayton. Bleeding to death in my arms, with a smile of calm, my brother died with a smile on his face, and it pissed me off every time I closed my eyes only to be cursed with the image of his happy corpse in my arms, over, and over again. Hell I even hated blinking, but despite me seeing Day boy, nothing compared to this.

        Rolling my eyes I turned my aching body towards the dirty wall, wasn't much of a sightly difference, but I didn't care anymore. Being confined like this again allowed all of my demons to roam, and I had a multitude of them, just at every angle I turn, gory, and ugly, real, and unchangeable. They were beating me down, and all I wanted was to grab a blade and slit my throat, but I couldn't do that, because I have things to do, and I can't do them when I'm dead, the time for death is not now. Punching the cement wall angrily, I sighed.

        Eight years ago

"I'm getting tired of picking you up from detention Klein."  I hardly listened to Khai as he just stared at me, awaiting for my faked apology. We went through this everyday, so at this point I saw no reason to apologize anymore. "It's everyday, why can't you just have one damn day that you are an angel sent from God. So when I pick you up from school, it'd be at three- thirty, not passed  your dinner time, it's six o'clock." Still not suffering myself to look him in the eye, he slapped the back of my neck, cradling the stinging flesh I rolled my eyes, and turned to face him. "You have to want the better Klein, I can't just be the only one that wants it for you, don't you have dreams, plans for your future, don't you want to have your own family, to live happy Klein? There has to be something in you, that wants to change, and all I really want is for you to find it. I love you so much kid, all I'm asking is for you to try, can you do that?" Solemnly looking down at his jeans, he finally drove out of the parking lot,"alright to home we go, I brought pizza, are you inviting Ronn, and Reeko, we can pick up Dayton on the way, it's the weekend so whatever you want, I just want your homework under my door by eleven, got it?" Nodding my head excited, I grabbed the Iphone Khai got me for my birthday, it was just a week ago so I was getting used to the technology. I only had a few numbers in it, the necessities. My mom, my aunt, Ronn, Reeko, Day Boy, Mason, and my dad--Khai. I stopped living with my parents almost two years ago, after my dad and I got into a big fight, and he put a gun to my head, after that, I packed all of my shit and ran away, and the only person I knew that wouldn't turn me away, was Khai. He took me in, and didn't say a word to anybody, not even Mason. For about a month I laid low, but eventually I saw my mom, and told her that it was best that I don't come back home.

  She didn't agree at first, but she knew that it was best for the family, I caused her enough hurt with me and my father's violent spats. Dayton would get so scared, he'd lock himself in the hall closet, and on various occasions Keith would punch me black and bloody. He dangled me over the balcony with the intent to kill, and oftentimes I contemplated that I should just let him do it, what good could I possibly bring into this world? I seemed to only create anger, and sadness, with every word I spoke, and every word that I didn't. Just the sinful stare of these cursed eyes of mine engraved the purest of hearts with the initials of doom, I was a walking tragedy to all that I encountered. I suppose I couldn't blame my father for anything really, but the pain. The pain my father inflicted both physically and mentally I would say, has scarred me deeply, so deep until the point it goes right through me. With the strength to possibly pierce me to a wall or something, hell I don't know. What I do know is, I'd rather take responsibility for my actions, everything that I've done to disappoint my parents, to grieve them, to the point of ultimate disgust, I bare on my chest like a villainous emblem. I blame me, for all of the hatred I stoned my fathers' heart over with. It hurts me though, because I knew once, though it was such a long time from now, that he loved me, just like he loves Dayton.

  One thing that is pissing me off though, is that I still care, about him, about how things, and how they used to be, how he treated me like his son, his first born. I knew that if I were to be set on fire in front of the entire world that he wouldn't just abandon me, he'd take the flames with me, unafraid, unashamed, as of course he is now. Ronn told me just this time last week, one of our neighbors asked about me, and he looked coldly, as he always did, while he proceeded to ask them to repeat themselves. So they did, and with his head turned up as high as the kingdom of heaven, he gladly stated, that he didn't know of any older son, 'Klein Masthers, who? Me and Mai, only have one son, His name is Dayton.' I could practically hear the stern voice of detest, I blew it off when Ronn called me up with the news, he was angry, as he always is. But this anger was brutally glum, I've never heard him be so upset, but so mad at the same time.

I knew though, why he was so upset, but I didn't ponder on it for too long, I allowed for the thoughts to pass, just for the sake of, I didn't like it when Ronn got upset. There was something about seeing the toughest guy you know breaking down into sadness. They just seem to have it all you know, that gritty personality that was so challengingly perplexed. It was impossible to comprehend, to study, and observe. Ronn never showed when he was hurt, or sad, or even sometimes happy, so hearing the rasped cry through the phone really bummed me out. If my dad got to Ronn, then I knew even the strongest wall, can be obliterated. But I'm growing, now I'm learning, and it was time for me to be the strongest person I know, so when Ronn, Dayton, Reeko, Mason, Khai, my mother, Rylainah, and Tailer need to lean on someone, I know they are supported, that I wouldn't ever fail them. I'll take the hits for them, I'd walk through the flames for them, just so they could never be burned. "You wanna go inside?" Khai interrupted my thoughts politely, raising my brow, and searching over my surroundings briefly I realized we were right in front of my mothers' house. The large structure stood tall, the trees perfectly trimmed, and the bushes shaped aesthetically, my father had a severe case of OCD, so the organized, and visually pleasing scenery was ultimately expected. I contemplated for only a minor second, and with a swift act of unlocking my door, I opened it, and exited the vehicle."Alright let's do this my boy, and hey!" I froze, "Behave, I don't need to kick anyone's ass, okay, and that ass is including yours too, got it?" I nodded my head, and continued to walk up to the marble pathway to the entrance of the place that was once my home. I knocked, but there was no answer the first time, and neither was there an answer to the second, so with a final, I knocked again, with my patience leaving quickly, I turned away."you wanna wait in the car kiddo, i'm sure Dayton is just grabbing a few more things, they'll come get the door soon." Khai, and his reassuring, sighing I folded my arms, and leaned my head on his side, lifting his arm he laid it on my neck and tugged me close. "You're such a grouch man, impatient, rude, violent, you're like the worst version of a sour patch kid, you're always sour, never sweet, just spicy." I took a fist and fed it softly into his stomach, Khai didn't even suffer himself to flinch, he just laughed loudly, rolling my eyes, we continued to wait, until five minutes later, and the the door opened. My excitement poured from my heart, and overflowed it's excess onto the concrete before me, yet once I found out who exactly it was that greeted Khai and I, it disintegrated into blackened ash. A bitter taste filled my mouth, as my facial expression, released it's passion of disgust.

   Keith. "Hello son, Khai, come inside!"

           Present Day

"Can I sit here?" It was breakfast, and some dumbass is already stepping on a nerve, standing from the cement table, I lifted my tray and attempted to leave in peace, I wasn't exactly in the mood to socialize with anyone."It was just a question, you didn't have to move. Look I'll go, you stay, I only sought you out because you were the only person that don't growl and scowl, when you saw me."

    "I'm finished anyway, have the seat." My response was straight to the point, no sass, no snark, just simple, which was odd. I had to get out of this place soon, it's been six months and I already feel drained, strained and strung up like drying laundry. With a quick eye roll I proceeded, finding an officer to stamp my bracelet, so I could return to my room. It was first shift, Waylon wouldn't be here until sometime in the afternoon, so the waiting game begins.

    "What's up with you today?" Reid questioned, as she held the ink in her left hand, and the stamp in her right. Ignoring her question, I held up my wrist, "Usually you'll go to the art room, and write your letters thats you're calm, are you alright Masthers?" I knew she was just a kind soul, and I appreciated seeing her fluffy fro, and oddly shaped cat eye glasses, but today, for some reason I wasn't up with people's kindness, I needed something edgy, I needed a fight. I had to get my momentum back until things unfolded correctly, Waylon told me to keep my head low, they were watching, and I've been doing my very best. But goddammit, my fists were itching to be thrusted into flesh and bone, to feel the blood pour from a warm body and just drip like a ruby river. I needed an outlet to throw this suffering onto, and today, writing letters is not the particular solution to my weighing problems. Noticing my mute, she gave up honorably, and sent me on my way. I kept my head low, but I was well aware of my surroundings, which is why I found it irritating that I was being repeatedly shoved harshly by four men. "Don't be an asshole, you have a mouth be civilized and say excuse me!" Reid shouted after them, as I continued to hold my peace, it was dwindling away the more I allowed the force of their meaty shoulders to swell into my skin as the seconds passed, I wanted to kill them.

     My feet stopped moving, and my breath kept huffing aggressively, balling a fist I swiveled towards Reid. "I changed my mind Reid, give me a stamp to go outside, I need to blow off some steam." Her brown eyes squinted with suspicion, but she complied, stamping my wristband hesitantly. She waved a hand to the guard standing at the door to allow me passage. The buzzer sounded loudly, and I waited for it to open completely, slowly I waltzed onto the scene, the daylight shining innocently on the corrupted souls, that were sprawled about the field. I looked about, all around, trying to find the pricks, that shoved me only a few minutes ago I found them with little to no effort. Standing alongside the barbed fences, chatting, relaxing, as if they hadn't just signed their own death wish. It's just a shove Klein, my mother would have told me, let it go, as she always did, but I always told her, that I never let things go. Never. Making my way across the field, I kept my eyes straight, never wavering to the side, or to anything behind them. There were five, luckily for them I had one head, two hands, and two feet, there was enough of me to lay down a good ass beating. "Masthers!" Freezing, I irritatedly stood in the heat, awaiting for the reason behind me getting rudely interrupted. "Visitor, let's go." Rolling my eyes, I gritted my teeth, and turned my direction back to the entrance, and followed the guard.

        My blood boiled with fury, as my veins burned in agony, this visitor better be god, I fought my thoughts, as I passed by inmate, after inmate. And we made it into the building, continuing to the visitation room, I balled a fist, it could be Vindango. I had to prepare for anything, "room 4, sit." Again, I followed direction, and took a seat. Surprisingly there were no windows, I didn't have to talk through a thick slab of glass and on a trashy contaminated phone. It was an intimate visit, a good one on one, it would've been nice to see someone I loved, but I knew better. They're either dead, or certain that I was. Holding my disappointment and tossing it behind me, I waited. Until a towering shadow covered the white table before me, coming into view, they sat. I stared in complete boredom, "Klein." Effortlessly my name slipped from his lips, as it fell flatly onto the table, and onto the floor, seeping through the cracks, and ultimately down to the flames of hell, as it belonged. Unamused I stared at my father, he looked more pitiful than usual, but I knew why, we lost our boy, he was indeed ours. I'll admit we raised Dayton together, we shared our different relationships, we loved him differently, he was the core of our hearts. Making Day boy happy was everything to Keith and I, and as role models to him, we let him down. And as my eyes lay dead onto the ground before me, I seen the life, that shone brightly before it vanished to the cold unknown. No matter how many times I tried to reassure myself that it was all fake, Dayton wanted to teach me a lesson, he was going to pop right back up, and laugh it off, brag about how good he got me, but once again, I knew better, my father knew better, Day Boy was gone, forever. I slapped myself back into reality, and finally allowed my eyes to lay hold onto my father, why was he here? "Your mother has lost both of her boys to the acts of violence, drug dealing, karma, I say. She's devastated, devastated, I can't get her to drink, eat, sleep, she sits aimlessly in your rooms, she doesn't even shed a tear, my poor Mai is so broken. I don't know what to do, why would they kill him, what did you do to them, why would they target an innocent bystander? Dayton wasn't rooted from evil like you were. He was a good boy, he listened, he was cautious of who he got involved with, he never dealt harshly with anyone, even in those gangs you're involved with Klein. My boy was a role model, a leader, Mai and I were robbed of our boy, we didn't get to see his first child, or see him marry the girl of his dreams, he was gunned down on live television! Shot down like an animal in front of hundreds, thousands, that loved and admired him, it took me a few days to decipher how could my boy be the victim of such a heinous act, until I remembered you." My father leaned in closer, the tears that dropped from his swollen eyelids ceased, only for a second, before they began to roll once more when he gritted his teeth in disgust, maintaining the clench of my jaw, I continued to listen to him blame me for my brothers' death. "It was you, that got him killed, they wanted to get to you so bad they found out how to truly cripple you, you satanic beast! You devil worshipping monster, it was you! Even when I killed you from our lives, you still found a way to come back from the grave and smite my family once more with you're disgusting plagues of crime, drugs, sadness, and death! I hope you never forget that you're the reason behind your brother being brutally murdered, and never getting a chance to start his own family, to grow old with, and be of joy and happiness. Sleep through the night knowing that, die, let your last thought be of that, Dayton was innocent in all things pertaining to you, Reeko, that verminous Ronn, and still your ways of life, violently took his away. You're going to rot for the rest of your life Klein, all you're mother and I tried to do, was to give you the greatest life Kein, why, why my boy, why did you have to turn to this life, what did it give you that we couldn't? Why didn't you tell us how to fix it, so you could've been doing good, you didn't have to be a doctor or a lawyer. I wouldn't have cared if you wanted to work at a drive-thru fast food restaurant anything you wanted, anything I would have done for you, accepted you, because you are my son. Despite all of this, you refused, so I let you go Klein, and it was best for Dayton, and you're mother to let you go too."

      "What, do, you, want?" I forced with a stern voice.

"I came to see the murderer of my son, obviously I'm sitting right in front of him, it's you. At least they were good enough to catch one of you bastards."

   "Goodbye Keith." I stood to my feet, and began to leave him in his misery.

"You've always been weak, no matter how many tattoos you poison your body with, or how many people you've wrongfully murdered. How many drugs you've gotten high off of, how many women you've slept with, how many guns, and weapornary, you have, how many members are in your gang, you're weak. Remember you're nothing but a man, a slave to your own flesh you'll never be free, you were born from nothing, and you will die with nothing. Everything that you've done in this life was for nothing. The only impact that you possibly may have made is with your victims, your brother, your mother, me, your daughter." I remained in silence, my back turned towards my father, I froze in surprise, "Did you really think, for one second that your mother and I wouldn't recognize our childs' child? The news you fucking idiot, she seen you all over the news, I couldn't get her to stop calling for you, crying, asking me if I could help her find you. She is such a precious girl, you couldn't even be a father to her, in fact you wont you'll be old and grey, hell probably dead, and the only memory that she'll have, if she has any, is you, being on the news. She wont know for what though, but i'm sure she'll remember you're mugshot, and how you never came for her, how much she missed you. When she grows up, she'll still hope, deep down, that you'll come, for all of her first days, her wedding day, the birth of her first child. And you'll be out of the equation, forever, and the saddest part of it all, is Klein, it's your fault. All of it, whoever dies, whoever has died, whoever is alone, you left disaster. Don't you think for one second, you don't belong here, how could you do this to yourself? I wanted to believe that you'd change before we got to this point, I just wasn't expecting to lose my baby boy along the way."

      I knew all of this, it wasn't a bright new confirmation, but it hurt, it cut deeper than my own blades of reality. He has K.C, he knows she's my sweetest little angel, and how I've abandoned her to the coldness that I knew. When my father didn't love me enough to try, I love her god I love her, but she won't ever know that. She'll only know how I never was there, when she needed her real dad. All of this time I did all that I've done to prove I'm better than my father. But I'm just like him, I abandoned my daughter, and I will probably never ever see her again, I failed Sasha, I failed K.C. I allowed the stray tear fall to the ground before I wiped the remains away. I didn't need this today, a change of heart, for me to feel everything I've been pushing to the back of my mind. I needed to stay strong for the sake of getting out of here, and killing Vindango, possibly Mason too, he had everything to do with Dayton's death just as much as Vindango. I faced my dad with dignity within the tears that still fell, and remained. His eyes still cold and green, his sharp bone structure still as crisp as a dagger, it didn't crack, he sternly stared me down. I stopped crying decades ago, back when my father just knew how to reach deep down and yank the heart right out of me, slap it onto a slab, and dissect it. I took that heart and locked it away, so he couldn't do that to me anymore, but today, it was beating, loudly, rapidly, sadly, right in its natural place. "You should have had enough, you should have given it up, look at you. Get over here!" I didn't move a muscle, infuriated that I still wouldn't obey his demands, he raised from the chair, and stood in front of me. "Don't cry now, this is not the place to show your weakness, you've dug your grave my boy, you've gotta die in it now. I'll take care of K.C, I don't even want to know, what happened to her mother, I'm sure she's just as dead as Dayton, especially since she crossed paths with you, you cursed bastard."

Nodding my head, I placed my right hand on my chin, and stared my father down. "I know you have a habit of putting others down in a desperate hope, of making yourself feel better. But today is not the day, you bitter ass old man. Yes, Dayton is dead because of me, I take ownership of that, see the difference between you and I, is that I take responsibility for my wrongs. Something you could never do, you won't ever do, you were a shitty dad, not to Dayton, but to me. My lifestyle choices aren't the best, but I love my daughter, and I'm going to make it back home to her. So fuck You and your unbelief, fuck you and your feelings, and when I get out of here I'm going to see my mother. Again, fuck you and your lies, no matter how hard you tried you could never keep mom and Dayton away from me. And Dayton has always resented you for it, but you won't deface my name like I never showed love, like I won't die trying to show my daughter that I'm a good dad. To show my mom that I still have the heart she raised me with, and not the anger you passed down to me."

      His mouth closed, and his green eyes along with his lips ceased. "Get the fuck out." I demanded, calmly. Finally standing to his towering height, my father took his first steps, towards me.

     "Don't act like I don't know you, and your determination. Have you forgotten you are a version of me? You think you're getting out of this alive? You'll die at the top of the finish line, you'll get close to having it all, and before you can collect the bounty. The call that god has on your pointless little life will be answered. Farewell Klein." The first time my father ever looked me in my eyes, in what felt like a decade, and his final words to me, was that I was going to die.

     "I guess I'll meet you in hell then."

"Alright times up, come on Klein." The guard called out, shooing my father away nonchalantly, I left him standing in his own disaster. Not once looking back, I allowed for my emotions to leave me, I can't have them here, not anymore.