𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐢𝐱 | 𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻

KAT'S THREE-YEAR-OLD RETRIEVER, Bear, was visiting the precinct today. Her fluffy, golden coloured dog was her entire world. He was her best friend (don't tell Amy or Jake), and he loved her as much as an animal could possibly love a human. Being a detective was hard because Kat couldn't necessarily control exactly how many hours a week she worked, which unfortunately meant that her dog was neglected a little more than she would like. So whenever she gets the chance, she brings him to work with her. Of course, she had cleared it with Captain Holt, who had surprisingly been rather eager about the suggestion.

The blonde-haired woman sits at her desk typing away on her computer, occasionally moving one of her hands to place it on Bear's head. He lays on the chair beside her desk, his tongue hanging out of his mouth happily as he observes the conversations and movement around him.

Amy grins as she returns to their corner of the bullpen from the copy room. "I can't believe he just sits there," she says in disbelief. She'll never get over how well trained the animal is.

Kat smiles as she pauses her work and looks up from the screen. "What can I say? I'm a dream mother for dogs." Her smile quickly drops as Bear jumps down and trots over to her, then leaps up onto her lap without any warning. "Dude!" It's like he had understood her words and taken them as an indication for a hug. Kat shakes her head as Amy giggles and struggles to keep herself and her dog on the chair that suddenly seems a lot smaller.

Rosa wanders over to the pair from her desk, a small smile on her face at the sight of the dog. As soon as Bear locks eyes onto her, he jumps off Kat and races over to her instead. Amy and Kat share a smile as Rosa tries to stop the dog from jumping up on her, eventually giving up in defeat and crouching down to pet him. "He likes you," Amy observes.

Rosa looks up to them for a second, her smile considerably wider as Bear licks her cheek, but she tries to play down her happiness. "Yeah, well," she clears her throat, "he's all right."

Kat rolls her eyes in amusement. "Don't even try," she retorts. "We see right through you."

Jake just about skips over to them, a beatific smile beaming onto his face once he notices his favourite dog. He deepens his voice as Bear bounds over to him and sits before his feet, tail wagging about. "Greetings, good sir." Jake holds his hand out and Bear happily places his paw on top of it. "Excellent form." He grins when he hears Kat snort and places his attention onto the trio. "Okay, so did you guys see the dude I brought in today? The drug dealer? Eight-one years old."

"Woah," Katherine says in surprise. "That's old. Props to him though. At least he found a job he loved so much he wanted to dedicate the rest of his life to it." Amy huffs a laugh.

"I know," Jake agrees. "I think it's the oldest collar of my entire career."

"I once arrested a ninety-six-year-old for flashing," Amy tells them. She grimaces. "I was terrified he'd die in my backseat... or flash me." Jake pulls a face.

"My oldest collar was seventy-eight," Rosa says. "But the PCP made her fight like she was twenty."

Kat lets Bear settle back in between her feet and she smiles as she recalls her own experience. "Mine was eighty-three and she robbed a string of banks every year as a birthday present for her wife." Jake's eyes are wide. "I know. It was impressive. I almost didn't want to arrest her."

Scully had been walking past and managed to hear their conversation, so he asks, "What about two fifty-year-old twins? Does that count as a one-hundred-year-old?"

The group of four all shake their heads. "No good," Amy denies.

Charles walks into the bullpen carrying a tray of coffees. "You talking oldest bags?" he calls out. He places his bag onto his desk. "Sixty-eight."

Kat's brows furrow slightly. "That's not that old," she points out. Bear lifts his head at the sound of her voice, then settles back down when she scratches his ears.

Boyle leans against the edge of his desk as he faces them. "Yeah, but I was only twenty."

Jake frowns. "Twenty?" he repeats. "Were you even a cop then?"

"No, man, it was before I got into the academy."

Whilst Amy, Jake, and Kat look to one another in confusion, Rosa finally understands the meaning behind his words. Her lips curl into a smirk. "Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest," she reveals.

When they all realise what she's talking about, they groan and exclaim various words. Kat scrunches her nose up as she looks at the man. "Boyle," she groans.

Charles instantly tries to convince them otherwise. "No, yes, I am! Yeah, oldest arrest – sixty-eight, like I said."

"God!" Jake exclaims. He can't help but smile. "You had sex with a sixty-eight-year-old when you were in your twenties?"

With his arms folded over his chest, Charles's cheeks flush a deep red. "You know how it is," he defends himself. "When you have a chance to bed an older woman, you..."

"No," Jake protests. "That is not an older woman." He struggles to hold his laughter in. "That's an old woman! That's someone's grandma!"

Charles nods and he takes a step toward them. "She was, actually," he confirms.

Kat's hands fly to cover her ears. "No, no, stop talking," she says loudly.

"That's how I met her! Went to college with her grandson Marvin." Jake bursts into giggles. "Don't-Don't knock it till you try it! She had a replacement hip with some serious torque, it was like having sex with a transformer!"

"No. That is no one's fantasy!"

⋆。 ﾟ✩。 ⋆。 ﾟ☀︎ ﾟ。 ⋆

Seated next to Rosa in the briefing room, Kat yawns as she tries to keep her eyes open. "Why are you so tired?" Diaz murmurs to her as Terry continues talking.

"Just couldn't sleep," Katherine replies quietly. She glances to Rosa when she feels the woman's eyes on her. "Insomnia's a bitch."

Kat forces herself to return her attention to Terry, but shortly after she feels Rosa tap her foot against her leg, and she looks over to see the woman offering her the coffee cup in her hands. "You need it more than I do," Rosa tells her.

"Peralta!" the sergeant calls out. Kat smiles as she takes a sip of the coffee. "Where are we on the Lincoln Place murder?"

Jake sighs as he leans back in his chair, arms folded over his army-green shirt. "Well, like I told Captain Holt earlier this week, we are at the one-yard line." He smiles. "It's a football reference."

"Yes, Jake," Terry replies with a short sigh. "I played line-backer at Syracuse."

Charles raises his brows at the new information. "Really? In high school, I played centre field in the musical Damn Yankees."

Jake squints his eyes slightly as he looks to his best friend. "Yeah, you don't want to brag about that."

"Don't listen to him," Kat calls out. Charles smiles at her. "You should be on Broadway." Jake gives her a look that tells her he knows she's lying.

Holt refrains from rolling his eyes. He interrupts the impending bickering. "Peralta, you want to loop everyone in?"

"Eh..."

"That was not a request."

Kat grins as she watches Jake groan and stand up. "Fine. Get ready for some stuff on a screen!" He clicks the remote and the picture on the TV changes to one of a man. "Meet Fred Gorman. Prominent citizen, lawyer," the picture changes again, "corpse. "Now meet his wife, Ann Hoert. She did not take his last name, but I believe she did take his life."

"Oh, that was good," Kat tells him, pride lacing her voice.

Boyle nods in agreement. "Yeah, very nice."

"Thank you very much," Jake addresses them. "Now, Hoert had means, motives, and opportunity. I just need to find the murder weapon. For some reason, the D.A. won't move forward with the arrest until we find the knife she used."

Holt's eyebrows lift. "Is that reason that they want to win the case?" he asks the detective.

"Yes."

"Well, find it," he orders. "The family's close to the mayor, and I'm catching heat from the higher-ups. I'm going to ask you again. Do you need any resources or personnel?"

"No, sir," Jake replies without missing a beat. "I've got it."

"Okay," Holt concedes. "Dismissed! Sergeant Jeffords, my office."

As they file out of the briefing room, Kat, Amy, and Rosa share a look with each other. The three women stride over to Peralta who is now seated at his desk. "Okay, how can we help?" Amy asks as she folds her arms over her chest. "What do you need?"

Without looking up from his stack of papers, Jake replies to them, "I need nothing." Kat rolls her eyes. "I'm about to solve this case, meet the mayor," he says confidently. He finally turns to them. "And sell my life rights to Channing Tatum so he can play my less attractive brother in the ensuing film."

The blonde shakes her head. "Okay, can you put aside your ego for one day?"

"No," he retorts.

Rosa sighs. "Come on, Peralta, Holt said to use the whole team." She grabs one of the documents related to the open case from his desk. "We all want this solved."

"I appreciate the offer," Jake snatches the paper back, "but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex." His brows furrow. "Actually, sometimes including sex."

They all stare at him exasperatedly. "Will you just let us help?" Amy presses tiredly.

"Okay, fine. I will let one of you help me." He points to the side. "Charles." Boyle yelps in excitement. "And I am choosing Charles because he's the least likely to steal my thunder."

Kat pinches the bridge of her nose. "Oh, my God," she mutters to herself.

"I would never steal his thunder," Charles confirms quickly. "I-I'd be afraid to borrow it." He chuckles, then shrugs when the three women turn to look at him.

⋆。 ﾟ✩。 ⋆。 ﾟ☀︎ ﾟ。 ⋆

With Jake and Charles gone, Kat finds that she's able to actually do her work. There are no distractions. Which is nice, although two hours into it she finds herself missing said distractions. Naturally, because Jake had said no to anyone but Charles helping him, Kat had agreed to dive into the case herself. Like most people, when someone tells her no it only makes her want to do it more.

As she had started to go through the crime scene photos, Rosa had eventually wandered over to ask what she was doing, which leads to them now scanning through the documents and piles of paperwork together. With two pairs of eyes focused intently, it doesn't take them long before they find something that is almost one-hundred percent crucial to Jake and Charles' investigation. Kat quickly gets Jake on a call, and as soon as he answers she pulls the phone away from her ear at the loud disturbance that reaches her. Even Rosa can hear the screaming baby and the dog barking in the background.

"Peralta," he answers.

Kat hums and places the call onto speakerphone. "I take it all is well on your end," she greets him.

"It's going swimmingly, actually."

Rosa rolls her eyes. "Okay, so we were looking at the photos of the victim on your desk," she informs him.

They hear Charles say something to Jake, but it's inaudible for the both of them. "The puncture wounds are similar to a case Rosa and I had a while back. They aren't from a knife," Kat reveals.

"We think it's something spiral," Rosa adds. "Like a corkscrew."

"Shh, shh, shh, shh..."

They both share a look of disbelief at how he had told them to shh. "Don't shush us!" Rosa snaps in frustration. "We're helping you."

"No, no, I'm holding a baby," he explains to them. "That was actually very helpful, thank you!"

And then Kat's eyes fall onto the person she despises more than anything or anyone in the world. She nudges Rosa's side, and when the woman notices who Kat's looking at, her face falls. "Jake," Katherine begins lowly. "You better get back here. Right now."

Keith Pembroke saunters into the bullpen with his usual smirk plastered on his face. The detective works in the Major Crimes Division of the NYPD and is better known to the squad of the Nine-Nine as The Vulture. Almost everyone has a vendetta against him, all sharing the common theme of anger because he's infamously known for stealing cases from out of the blue.

His eyes land on Kat first, and his smirk meets her deep scowl. God, she wants to punch him. "Linetti," he calls out. He spreads his hands. "Got a girlfriend yet?" Rosa's jaw clenches. Kat's glare somehow darkens and he almost flinches, however, his smirk remains. "Shame. Let me know if you want to change your preferences."

Terry, having heard the exchange, shakes his head in disgust. Kat rolls her eyes and drops her head onto the desk. "Somehow, he gets worse every time," she states.

"You can stay here," Rosa tells her. They watch The Vulture plant himself in Jake's seat, the desk right next to Kat's. "It's safer."

The blonde grimaces as he heaves his leg up onto the desk and begins to shine his shoes. "Much appreciated."

Jake and Charles return approximately fifteen minutes later. As they walk out the elevator, the former locks eyes with Rosa and Kat. He raises his hands in confusion and they both point over to his desk. The Vulture notices how they've both stood up and looks over to the entrance of the bullpen. He smiles. "Oh! Hello, Peralta."

Jake grits his teeth and groans in pure irritation. "No, no, no!" he hisses to himself. He storms past them all, heading straight to Holt's office.

"I don't know why you're so upset, man. I'm the one who had to come to this backwater stink hole!" He raises his eyebrows as Charles walks past. "What's up, little man?"

Boyle nods confidently. "What's up?"

"Feeling sexy? Huh?"

Kat closes her eyes. "Someone shoot me."

"Yeah, I feel sexy."

"Yeah, you look sexy, man."

"You know I do!"

"Watch out for that door." Charles slams it shut, and Pembroke glances over to Terry behind him. "Yo, how much you bench, seriously?"

Gina strolls over to her sister and Rosa, not even bothering to lower the volume of her voice as she says, "If he hits on you one more time, I will punch him in the dick so hard he will cease to live."

Kat grins at her threat, and her smile only widens when she notices how The Vulture has paled a few shades lighter. "Thanks, Nina," she says. Gina pats her sister's shoulder. "But you won't get the chance to," her smile disappears, "'cause I would've already done it." Rosa smiles.

Gina bumps their fists together. "That's my girl."

A few minutes later, Jake and Charles emerge from Holt's office, Jake looking far from happy. Just based on his expression, the entire bullpen understands what they had been talking about. His jaw is clenched as he gathers all the files together for the case to then hand over to Detective Pembroke. "You know," The Vulture begins smugly. "I'd like to thank you for doing all the super easy work, you know, the real Nancy Drew level stuff."

Jake spares a glance to him. "Oh, yeah? Did Nancy Drew solve a lot of murders?"

"Yeah, she did," Charles answers. The Vulture gestures to him. Kat and Rosa share a look. "Murder on Ice, Recipe for Murder... Nancy was a wonderful detective. I wanted to be her when I grew up."

"Boyle," Kat interrupts. He hums. "Respectfully, you're only making this situation worse." Jake nods in agreement, giving his friend a pointed look to shut up.

"Hey!" Pembroke clasps his hands together. "Should we take odds on how fast I'll solve this case?" He doesn't wait for any of them to respond before continuing. "I mean, what was it with Linetti and Diaz's last 'impossible' extortion case?" He turns to the women as he asks, "What was it, six hours?"

Kat's eye twitches. "I might just go jump out a window."

Rosa smiles through gritted teeth. "That's because it was ninety-eight percent solved."

He leans forward in his chair. "The last two percent is the hardest to get," he replies. "That's why they leave it in the milk." Everyone looks immensely confused by his last sentence. Kat rolls her eyes as Amy walks over to her desk, because she's anticipating whatever foul words are about to be spoken. "Oh, wow," The Vulture exclaims, that damn smirk back as he stands up. "Looking good, Santiago. You foxy ma."

Amy turns around and a sickly-sweet smile adorns her face. "Go rot in hell." Kat grins proudly. Amy's eyes land on Jake who squirms uncomfortably under her scrutiny. "This is your fault."

Pembroke takes the files from Jake who reluctantly lets them go, pointedly avoiding any eye contact. "Thanks, champ! Good effort. I got it from here. And, hey, you feel free to call me anytime you need me to come down here and help powder that big white ass of yours."

He smacks Jake's butt and walks off. Peralta inhales a deep breath, annoyance prominent on his face."Well, that's the worst thing that's ever happened to me," he declares.

⋆。 ﾟ✩。 ⋆。 ﾟ☀︎ ﾟ。 ⋆

Later that night, the squad had decided to head to Shaw's to drown their collective frustration toward The Vulture with alcohol. With Terry and Gina away with Holt at a shooting range to try and secretly get Terry re-certified into field work, they were free from any authoritative figures and judgemental remarks. Jake places his beer onto the table with a little too much force and runs a hand down his face. "I hate The Vulture so much!"

"Me too," Rosa agrees. "But... he's kind of hot."

Kat downs a shot with Amy and turns to look at her in disbelief. "You find him hot?" Rosa shrugs, and she scoffs. "Wow. Just wow."

The rest of the group stares at Diaz. "What? You can hate people and still think they're hot," she defends herself. "Case in point, Manuel Noriega."

Jake quickly nods in agreement. "You know what? I'm with you on this." He grins and arches a brow as he looks pointedly to Kat. "Tonya Harding."

She sighs. "Okay, good point."

"Yeah, she's thick," Rosa agrees.

Jake points to them. "Right?"

"Always classy, Jake," Amy remarks.

He pulls his lip in between his teeth and smiles at her. "Mm-hmm."

The playfulness disappears as Rosa sighs. "Sorry you got Vultured," she tells him grimly. "Happens to the best of us." She and Kat share a look as they silently recall a moment not so long again.

Kat and Rosa stand positioned on either side of the door to the apartment they're about to breach. Uniformed officers flank them, their firearms raised and ready if needed. Kat nods to her partner. "On our count," she speaks into her radio.

Rosa raises her own up to her lips. "One, two-"

"Three!" Detective Pembroke exclaims. He races around the corner of the hallway toward them. "I got it from here!" Rosa and Kat barely have time to register that he's even here with them as he kicks down the door with a yell. "Yeah! Get up! Get up! Turn around!"

Kat moves to stand in the middle of the doorway. "You've kidding me," she whispers. Rosa clenches her fists in frustration. Kat's voice then raises to a yell. "You've got to be kidding me!" She groans and spins on her heels, throwing her badge violently at the nearby wall. Rosa sighs to herself, and even in the midst of her own anger, she picks up the badge and follows after the fuming blonde.

The Vulture cackles as he watches them storm off.

"I want to violently murder him," Kat says emotionlessly. Amy, drunk on one too many shots, vigorously nods in agreement.

Jake's jaw tightens in annoyance. "God, I just- I want to get back at him so bad!" He makes various hand gestures as he speaks. "I wish I could throw his cell phone in the toilet or slash his tires; I don't know."

Rosa stares off into space as she adds, "Or slash his gorgeous throat."

"I cannot figure you out," Charles mumbles.

"Okay, I'm buying everyone drinks as long as we're here thinking of a revenge plan," Jake announces. The group instantly perks up. "Best idea gets fifty bucks." He grabs a napkin and pen, ready to list them down.

Boyle is the first one to voice his. "What if you called him from a hospital and said his whole family is dead?" Kat's eyebrows raise as she looks to him, thoroughly impressed by the suggestion so far. "Like, they died of cancer."

"Charles, that is so dark." Jake nods. "I'm putting it down."

Kat's eyes widen. "Wait, what if we break into his house and do something different every day? Like first we switch his shoes around, or make things disappear, his toothbrush or TV... We can make him go insane."

All six detectives stare at her in surprise.

Suddenly, an ear-splitting smile appears on Jake's face. "Oh, Kat, you are an evil, evil genius!"

Rosa takes a sip of her beer, her eyes flicking across the woman's face. "If I ever need to mess with someone, I'm going to you," she declares. Kat raises her glass to her and smiles.

After moving tables and a dozen drinks later, Charles proposes his final idea. "What if we wrap his motorcycle in plastic wrap and melt it with a hair dryer?" Jake shrugs and jots it down. "Little trick I learned in gift basket making class."

Right beside them, Kat, Amy, and Rosa are playing darts. Rosa squints her eyes as she aims for the target right above Kat's head. "Just throw it already," the blonde yells impatiently.

Amy purses her lips. "Uh, she did," she replies. Amy points to her forehead, and Kat slowly brings her hand up to touch hers.

She gingerly plucks the dart out of her skin and stares at it. "I didn't feel a thing," she states.

Rosa grins. "Awesome." Kat smiles at her as Rosa gently dabs a napkin on her forehead to dry the few small spots of blood.

"All right!" Jake calls out. "Here's what we're up to. Steal his kidney, burn down his house, convince him he's going insane, replace his aloe tissues with regular tissues..." He points to Boyle. "Thank you, Charles."

He bows his head with a proud smile. "You're welcome."

"Leave a dead cat in his cedar closet." Jake holds a hand up. "Note: he would have to own a cedar closet."

Rosa lowers her glass of whiskey and smirks. "He seems like he would." Amy and Kat both nod in agreement.

"Sneak into his apartment and burn popcorn in the microwave." Jake points to the man beside him again. "Thank you, Charles." Boyle bursts into giggles at his own idea. "Uh, Scully asked for mashed potatoes, so I wrote that down." Jake purses his lips and after a moment of thought says, "Well, I hate to say it, but I think, by default, Charles' motorcycle idea is the winner!"

"Yeah!" Charles exclaims as grabs the cash sitting in the middle of the table. "Winning by default."

Everyone downs the remainders of their drinks as they prepare to finally leave the bar. "Let's get into it. Anybody know where The Vulture lives?" Jake questions.

"On Third," Kat answers quickly. "Right around the corner from here."

Rosa turns to look at her curiously. "How'd you know that?"

"I think about plotting his death daily..."

"Chug 'em, boys! We're rolling!"

It doesn't take them long to reach their destination, although because all of them are just slightly tipsy they had a few stumbles and distractions along the way. Lucky for the group of detectives, the motorcycle is parked out the front ready to be, in Charles's own words, destroyed to smithereens. They're only going to wrap it. Kat can't even find herself to be surprised when she lays eyes on the vehicle's numberplate: COLOGNEME. It takes them twenty minutes, give or take, to cover the motorcycle in plastic wrap that they had picked up from a twenty-four-hour convenience store along the way.

"And..." Charles rips off the final piece of plastic with a grin. "Done! Take that, Vulture."

"Nice!"

"That is now a work of art," Kat declares with a smile. She bumps Boyle's outstretched fist. "Kudos."

Jake holds out his hand to Amy stood beside him. "All right, give me your hair dryer," he demands.

Rosa narrows her eyes. "What?"

Amy's eyebrows draw together as she looks at him with confusion. She tilts her head as she asks, "What are you talking about?"

Now Jake is the one to be confused. "Don't you carry one in your purse?"

Santiago sighs exasperatedly. "Have you ever met a human woman?" she retorts.

Kat rolls her eyes in amusement. "Gentle reminder that he grew up with not just me, but Gina." Because Jake was with them so often during their childhood, it meant that he grew up believing multiple things were common when in fact they really weren't. Gina just had the power to make it look like they were common.

"There's a drugstore four blocks away," Scully pipes up, trying to be helpful. "I'm on it!"

As he jogs off, the rest of them watch him and each come to the same realisation. "Oh, no," Jake complains. "Scully traveling four blocks? That could take weeks!" Scully stops at the end of the street to catch his breath. Jake takes out his phone to call the one person who would be able to prove Amy wrong, placing it onto speakerphone when the recipient answers.

"Gina's authentic stolen police badges. How can I help?"

Kat grins. "Never change who you are," she tells her sister.

"Aw, hi, Kitty Kat! You should though."

Amy frowns and links her arm through Kat's, giving the blonde a smile to try and lift her suddenly dampened spirits. Jake sighs and interrupts before Kat can retort something else. "Hey, it's Peralta," he greets.

"Oh, hey, Jake!"

"Yeah, hey. Look, do you carry a hair dryer in your purse?"

"Of course. I'm not an animal."

Jake sends Amy a pointed look, who only rolls her eyes in annoyance. "Great. I need you to bring it to The Vulture's apartment."

"There's someone named 'The Vulture?'" Gina asks in amusement. "Tell Rosa, she'd be into that."

Boyle groans. "Come on!"

"Peralta, why are you asking Gina about Detective Pembroke?"

They all freeze at the sound of Holt's voice. Jake's eyes are wide as he tries to get himself out of a potential predicament. "Oh, Captain, hello!" he replies cautiously. "Uh, we are preparing him a gift basket of sorts."

Kat nods and gives him a thumbs up. "Real smooth," she whispers. Jake waves a hand at her to shut up.

"Look, I understand that you're upset," Holt begins. "But if you want to keep this from happening again, I suggest that you pull your team together and solve these cases before Major Crimes can step in. Am I clear?"

"Yes, sir," Jake agrees calmly. Katherine raises a brow at him sceptically. "That is definitely clear. Thank you, sir." He hangs up the call and turns around to the squad with a wide smile on his face.

Amy squints her eyes at him. "You should be frowning," she points out. She glances to Charles as if he would have the answer. "Why is Jake smi- Why are you smiling?"

"Because the captain just gave us the perfect revenge plan. We team up and solve this case right now!"

"Dude, that is not what he meant," Kat tells him.

"Come on, think about it!" Jake bounces on the balls of his feet eagerly. "We go back to the scene of the crime, find the murder weapon, and out-Vulture The Vulture!" Rosa and Kat share a look, small smiles creeping onto their faces. "No one gets in trouble if we crack the case!"

And because everyone is too drunk to think about the possible consequences this might bring upon them, none of them protest Jake's plan. After a moment of thought, Amy nods. "Okay, screw it," she announces. "I'm in."

"Yes, that's right!" Jake exclaims excitedly. "All right. We're angry. We're getting revenge. We're a little bit tipsy!" He looks to Kat who he had seen down three shots in a row barely an hour ago. "You're more than tipsy." She salutes to him. "We should not be driving; we're taking the bus!"

"I love the bus!" Charles yells happily.

⋆。 ﾟ✩。 ⋆。 ﾟ☀︎ ﾟ。 ⋆

After a ride on the bus that felt way longer than it really was, the group of detectives (and Hitchcock) follow Jake into apartment marked with crime scene tape. "All right, here's how it went down," he says. "Nine-forty-five, a man screams."

Kat nods. "That's consistent with all other murders," she confirms.

Jake points a finger to her. "You are way too drunk. Anyways, ninety seconds later, wife goes down to the doorman, says a guy murdered her husband and then ran off." They enter the kitchen where the body had been found. "We know she's lying. We've just got to find the corkscrew to make our case airtight. I say we role-play, see if something sparks."

They all nod, and Charles volunteers to be the first to help replay the scene with Jake.

Peralta clears his throat. "Darling, thank you for a lovely dinner. Perhaps we should have one more drink before bed."

Charles' voice comes out high-pitched and squeaky. "Don't you 'darling' me, you philanderer!" he exclaims, pointing a finger to the man before him.

"Perfect impression of a woman," Kat calls out.

"No, you're the husband," Jake tells his friend. "The husband had the affair."

"I'm always the victim," Charles protests. "I don't wanna be the victim!"

Jake turns to the group with a sarcastic smile. "Okay, Charles is the door," he decides.

Boyle's eyes widen in alarm. "No!" he yells. "I'll be the victim. Please don't make me a door again."

Kat's brows knit together as she studies Jake's face. "Dude, really?" she calls out disapprovingly. "You've been treating people as doors?"

He waves a hand to dismiss her, trying not to take notice of her judgmental expression. "Okay! So..." He spins around and opens the drawer closest to the fridge. "Wife goes into the drawer," Jake pretends to take out the weapon, "gets the corkscrew. Stab, stab, stab." Charles mimes gushing blood out of his chest and dramatically drops to the ground. "What did she do with the corkscrew?"

"She dumps it in the hallway trash cute on the way to the doorman," Rosa surmises.

Jake sighs and places his hands on his hips. "No, we checked the trash, like, ten times. We would've seen a bloody corkscrew."

Kat squints her eyes. "Did you man-look?" she questions. Jake turns to stare at her, and Rosa and Amy supress their smiles. "Because it was just you and Charles, right? I guarantee that you both man-looked. So the corkscrew's probably still there."

"We did not man-look," Jake retorts, his words laced with annoyance. "Okay? Seriously, it wasn't there. All right, Hitchcock, you're up."

This time, Charles plays the role of the murdered husband, whilst Hitchcock is the wife. Hitchcock positions himself opposite Charles, then he screams as he mimics stabbing the man. He then turns to the detectives with a proud smile. "The body," he states. "The corkscrew's still in the body."

Katherine Linetti bursts into laughter. She holds a hand up as she exits the room to try and catch her breath, and when she returns, Hitchcock is seated in the corner of the room, and Rosa is pretending to stab Charles.

Amy smiles as her best friend joins her side once more, and they all watch Diaz try to solve the murder. "Then I..." Rosa's eyes flick around the room, and then she turns around and points to the window. "Toss it out the window and it lands on a passing car."

"Security cam showed no one driving by at that time, and nothing in the street," Jake reveals. "Okay, Kat, you're up."

She nods and she positions herself opposite from Jake. Without any warning, she lunges toward him. "Murder!" When Jake continues to just stand still, Kat's eyes narrow. He quickly slumps to the ground. With a satisfactory nod, she turns around and her eyes lock onto the nearby air-conditioning vent. "Have we considered that the wife might have put some thought into it?"

Jake follows her line of sight and quickly understands what she's trying to say. He sighs as he grabs onto her outstretched hand and pulls himself back up. "We checked all the vents," he says.

Kat groans. "I'm so lost. But I still think you man-looked."

"We did not man-look!" Jake exclaims defensively. Charles vigorously nods along with him, neither willing to admit that they might have done a poor job searching the area.

"Okay, I want in," Amy states. She points to Jake. "But I only want to stab you."

Katherine grins. "That's my girl."

Jake throws his hands up. "Fine. Charles, door." As soon as everyone gets into position, he clears his throat. "Okay, uh, sweetheart-"

"Time to die," Amy interrupts. Kat bites onto her lip to supress a chuckle.

"That seems a little harsh," Jake admits with a wince.

However, as the dark-haired woman turns around, her gaze lands on the fridge. "What if it was a magnetic corkscrew?" Amy suggests quietly. All of their eyes widen. "If the corkscrew was on a magnet..."

"It's stuck halfway down the inside of the trash chute," Jake deduces quickly.

Kat's eyes widen even further. "I called it," she shrieks, taking off toward the front door before anyone else can. "I fucking knew it!" Rosa shakes her head with a smile as she follows, whilst Jake and Amy push to try and beat the other.

As they all race out the apartment, Hitchcock lifts his head up from the magazine he had been reading. "What's going on?" he asks, looking around in confusion.

They hurry out into the hallway, and as Kat opens the hatch for the trash chute Amy takes out a flashlight from her purse. Jake stares at her in disbelief. "You have a ten-pound flashlight in your purse, but not a hair dryer?" He scoffs.

They step aside to let Amy lean into the trash chute and try to find the bloodied weapon. After a few moments, she calls back, "I can't see far enough down."

"Someone's gonna have to go down in there," Jake voices. "Someone with narrow shoulders."

Almost instantly, all four turn to look at Charles. His eyes widen in alarm. "No!" he protests. "I have broad shoulders. I have narrow hips, but broad shoulders." All of their eyes move down to his hips. Charles groans. "God!"

Amy and Jake help the man down the chute, each holding one of his legs as they dangle him. Kat stands beside Rosa, the ghost of a smile on her face. "You know," she starts quietly. "If we weren't trying to solve a murder, I'd definitely be filming this."

"They're definitely going to drop him," Rosa declares.

"Oh, one-hundred percent. I thought that was a given."

"See anything?" Jake questions his best friend.

"A little lower," Charles calls out.

"Freeze! Hands in the air!"

The four detectives turn around and immediately raise their hands when they notice that two uniformed cops have caught them. Surprisingly, Charles doesn't plummet down like they had thought. His observation had been right, he does have broad shoulders. "Broad shoulders! Stuck!" he yells, hoping that one of his friends would help him. "Told you- broad shoulders."

Jake fishes his badge out of the pocket of his leather jacket and sighs. "We're cops," he says, holding it up for the officers to see. They quickly lower their guns.

"Well, this took aturn," Kat mutters grimly.

Cue the possible consequence none of them had thought about.

⋆。 ﾟ✩。 ⋆。 ﾟ☀︎ ﾟ。 ⋆

By the time they arrive back to the precinct, not only has Captain Holt been informed of what had happened, but The Vulture is in his office. And based on what Kat can hear being yelled inside, she gathers that what comes next probably isn't going to be too great. She sits on the edge of her desk trying to drink as much of the water Rosa had given her in order to sober up. "So, what now?"

"Well, for starters..." Amy glances to Jake with a smug smile. "Holt is going to kill you."

However, Jake doesn't seem as worried as everyone else. "I don't think he will," he counters. Kat arches a brow to him questioningly. "Because..."

Charles whips out an evidence bag from behind him. Inside, the corkscrew. "Voila!"

Amy's eyes widen in shock. "You actually found the corkscrew in the trash chute?" she asks in disbelief. Rosa and Kat both have equally wide grins.

"Stuck to the side," Jake nods. "Just like you said." Kat clears her throat in a pointed manner. "Okay, well, technically you didn't solve it, so-"

"Hoe, I told you it was still in there!"

Rosa nods her head in support. "Yeah, she did tell you."

"Okay, but technically, we didn't see it when we looked because it was too far down, so technically, we weren't man-looking." Jake sighs when he notices her exasperated look. "Fine, okay? You win." She grins.

And then it finally hits Amy what has happened. "Oh, my God, you guys, we out-Vultured The Vulture!" she exclaims, then imitating the screech of a bird.

"What the hell was that?"

"It's a vulture," Amy replies, slightly timid.

Kat gives her an encouraging smile. "It was perfect."

"Now, if you'll excuse me." Jake takes the bag from Charles' hand. "I'm gonna take this corkscrew over to the D.A. so we get the collar, not Major Crimes."

"Peralta!" Kat's eyes widen at Terry storming into the bullpen, practically fuming as he glares daggers at Jake. "Now!" He points in the direction of the balcony and Jake reluctantly follows him.

"Someone's in trouble," Gina taunts.

Kat flinches at her sister standing inches away from her ear. "Jesus Christ! When did you get here?"

Gina links their arms together. "Oh, honey, I never left."

Amy rolls her eyes. "Weren't you with Captain Holt and Sarge?"

"Oh, I completely forgot! Long story for another time, but I'll give you the important deets." Gina gestures for the three women to come closer to her, as if she's about to conduct a clandestine meeting. "Ter-Bear totally has a thing for me."

Katherine snorts. "I'm not going to be the one to tell her," she announces.

It's not long before everyone exits Holt's office, and surprisingly, Detective Pembroke looks a lot happier than he had a few minutes earlier. Kat frowns in confusion and then her lips part in realisation. Jake had given him the collar.

The Vulture nods to Amy as he walks past them. "Stay foxy."

She gives him a sardonic smile. "Die lonely."

"Well, case closed!" Jake announces as he joins the group in the bullpen. "Good work, everyone." He clasps his hands together and smiles. "Let's, uh, call it a night without any further discussion."

"No!"

Kat sighs. "And there it is."

Holt's eyes move across each individual detective, all of whom appear very guilty. "All of you broke into a crime scene under the influence of alcohol, overstepped your jurisdiction, and disobeyed my direct orders." His tone is of disapproval and disappointment. "Everyone involved tonight is going to get written up."

"Okay, fine," Jake suddenly agrees. He shifts his badge on the chain round his neck. "Here's everyone who was there. Jake Peralta, J. Peralta, Dr Jacob Peralta who has a PhD in slow-jam studies from Funktown State University, also involved was the right honourable J-"

"Okay, enough," Holt interrupts firmly. The squad tries not to smile at how Jake had come to their defence.

"My point is it was a Peralta special, sir. No one else was there."

"Well, Detective..." Holt nods, the smallest possible smile making its way onto his face. "I'm happy to see you're learning how to be part of a team."

Kat can't help resisting what she calls out next. She blames it on still being partly intoxicated. "Title of your sex tape!" Her eyes widen when Holt turns his amused gaze to her. "Jake's, obviously, sir."

Jake fails to supress the proud smile on his face, and he wraps an arm around her shoulders. "I taught you so well," he praises her.

"Everybody go home," Holt orders them. "Sleep it off."

As Kat grabs her sweater laying on her desk, she hears someone stop behind her. She turns around to find Rosa waiting, appearing a little uncomfortable. "Hey," she says. "Everything okay?"

Rosa nods as they slowly start walking to the gate of the bullpen. "Yeah, no, it's fine. I, uh, I was just wondering if you wanted someone to drive you home?" She notices Kat's eyes on her and she quickly tries to provide a reason. "You know, you probably shouldn't be driving yet."

Kat glances to her and her brows raise slightly. "Are you saying you're offering to drive me home?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

She smiles and presses the button for the elevator. "Sure, that would be nice."

𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘪 𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘤𝘶𝘵𝘦 𝘢𝘴 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬 𝘣𝘶𝘵....

𝘨𝘶𝘺𝘴 𝘪 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘢 𝘴𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘯.