CHAPTER ONE
an expected failure

Ryan McCarthy was from a rich(kinda) family. His Granda, Declan McCarthy owned a small-ish business in County Sligo (where he grew up) which started more small-ish properties to be bought across Ireland in his name. So yeah, they had money.

     Despite his best efforts, Sean (Declan's son and Ryan's father) couldn't upheave his family and move them away from Sligo. Declan's ambition started in the small town and it would end in the small town and he needed his son and grandson with him to do that.

     Sean McCarthy had no intention to ever run the business the way Declan had hoped. His name was on the sign and his signatures were on the papers but he never ran the business after that very business took his wife and mother of his only son.

     They called it a car accident, but the McCarthy's knew what it really was. Aoife Walsh grew tired of the small town that suffocated her and her son. She wanted to take her family and leave but Declan stopped them — permitting them to spend the rest of their lives in a business they didn't even want. So, she stepped out on her husband.

     She hadn't meant to. It was a poor excuse. But Declan showed up to the crash site thinking he would find his son sitting in the drivers side... he hadn't. It was a security guard that he recognized from the residence he owned in town. He caught Sean in his arms when the man came barreling towards the car, eyes wet and red from sadness but also wide and confused as to who the man was that was with his dead wife.

     He couldn't get the answers he wanted, they had both died. But he knew. Deep down in his heart, he knew. And Declan made sure that Ryan always knew in the hopes he would in turn resent his mother and stick to the family business as Sean buried his head in alcohol.

     Ryan didn't resent his mother at all. Growing up with a Granda and father like the ones he had, made him understand her reasoning more.

     His Granda had been breathing down his neck about his grades and the business for as long as he could remember. Sweat would gather around his forehead and his chest's consistent rhythm would become more erratic. But when he was in her presence, all that seemed to go away. The expectations, the constant feeling of luring failure floated away.

     All while in the presence of Siobhàn Waldron. His best friend's twin sister. The only girl in Carricklea that didn't fall at his feet and tried to "wine and dine him" (their words, not his). They wanted his name and his money. And he would give it to them if it meant he didn't have to carry the burden of it.

Tutoring the Waldron girl shouldn't have come as such a surprise, she was... smart but he was smarter. Her love for literature didn't stem as far as it did for Ryan, he loved to soak up the words on a page and make it seem real. Whereas, Shiv preferred to read it as quick as possible and discard it or sometimes not even finish it at all.

     The secret was that Ryan had, had a crush on Siobhàn since they were children. He had met Connell in school and shortly met the twin girl when he came over for a sleepover for the first time. Aoife and Lorraine (Connell and Siobhàn's mother) were very close before the Walsh woman died. The latter had never been very good at forming friendships but she had found that in Aoife, and now that she was gone she ensured that Ryan still came over for dinner every Tuesday after school. Then he would help Siobhàn with her school work.

Connell never had a problem with the two spending time together. If anything, he pushed for it. Ryan sometimes wondered if the boy knew of the hidden feelings that resided in his chest. He wondered if Connell would frown upon it or support it? Perhaps he had his answer with the way Connell always sat next to Lorraine at the dinner table which always left an empty space next to Shiv for him to take.

He wasn't sure and he wasn't about to read into it. Especially considering Siobhàn made no inkling or attempt to make a move or show any kind of romantic feelings towards him. If friends was the only thing she wanted, then friends would be the thing she had.

Whatever she wanted. He provided.

That was how their friendship worked in the difference of how his and Connell's worked. Connell was sometimes introverted, he hid in himself but tried to be extroverted in front of his friends. Sometimes he said things he didn't mean and he didn't know why. Siobhàn was the opposite. She said things she meant and more often than not, she said them to be cruel. She didn't like anyone at school apart from a girl called Marianne Sheridan.

     Lorraine worked for the girls mother as a cleaner. That was how their friendship started and Marianne was all Shiv ever talked about.

     Marianne is so smart.

     Marianne got the highest grade on the paper today.

     Marianne.

     Marianne.

     Marianne.

     Ryan was jealous. It was absurd and he felt ridiculous for it but that was the truth. He wanted her to speak about him in that way. He wanted her to look at him with that much excitement and proudness that it would make his heart jump.

     But no. So here he was, standing next to Connell by the schools lockers as Marianne Sheridan walked down the hall with his (not his) Siobhán. It wasn't like he hated the girl. In truth he didn't really know her. It felt more like a competition. A competition for Siobhàn's attention. One he was playing by himself.

"It's a simple game", Eric muttered from his place on the small sitting bench. "You have fifteen players. Give one of them the ball, get it into the net".

Ryan tuned out of the conversation when Shiv and Marianne walked past them and stopped at their lockers. Her brown wavy hair cascaded down her back and blended down into her blue school uniform, that she somehow made look great on her.

"Very simple".

"Isn't it?".

"Oh, what?".

"Oh".

"Brilliant".

Ryan looked away when Siobhàn's head turned in their general direction. He only caught a small glimpse of her face to see her tired eyes still made her look utterly beautiful and the lipgloss she was wearing when he looked at her this morning, was now gone. He only looked back up when he saw Connell's swivel back their way, locking eyes with Marianne and Siobhàn momentarily.

Footsteps approached and the two boys looked behind themselves, "How's it going, Rachel?", Eric asked when the blonde-haired girl came closer to them. Ryan could swear he heard a small "ugh" being groaned from beside him. His eyes glanced over at the Waldron girl snickering with Marianne, her own eyes glared over at Rachel, talking to her brother.

Suddenly, their eyes met and Ryan's lips tilted in suggestion that told her that he knew what she was complaining about. And surprisingly, Shiv smiled back cheekily. Her wide smile made a flutter in his stomach appear, causing him to swallow sharply and turn his attention back to his friends.

Marianne closed her locker and walked off, Siobhàn followed in her steps as Rachel spoke, "Can I use my locker by any chance?". Ryan had been too busy looking at the brunette walking past them and stumbled back a bit when Rachel came up close to him, "Sorta need you to move too, Ryan", she laughed (her smile did nothing for his stomach like it had done with Shiv) and then he realised that his friends had moved.

"Right, sorry. Excuse me", he sheepishly chuckled and got up off the locker he was previously leaning on. His book and backpack fisted itself into his hand, yanking them close to him as he moved — ignoring the look Connell was giving him.

"Uh, sorry. Ex-squeeze me", Eric tilted his chin up and took the piss out of him.

"Shut up, Eric".

The boy lifted his hands in mock surrender and laughed it off. Unaware that the McCarthy boys eyes were watching a happy Siobhàn Waldron walk away.

     It wasn't like he cared about what they thought. He wasn't even sure if they would all remain friends after school (besides Connell and himself). They were like placeholders in the stories of each others lives.

     That was how his family made him feel, that's how he felt about others. It made him feel dirty that he felt that way about people he had been friends with most of his life.

     But filth really did teach filth.

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