My eyes slowly opened when sunlight shone onto my face, making me squint my eyes when they opened, a yawn leaving my lips.

Before I could realize, I turned and fell right off the couch, a groan immediately leaving my lips.

"Oh, man-" Alec's voice filled my ears, as he slowly walked toward me, putting on his shirt, "That must've hurt-"

My voice was raspy, "It did-"

"Sleep okay?" Alec moved onto his knees, then leaned down and pecked my lips, "You knocked right out after dinner-"

Little by little, I remembered Magnus and I sprawled out in the living room of our apartment, trying to find him a new apartment while he was staying with us in the meantime.

"Like a rock-" I wrap my arms around his neck, as he lifted me up while he stood back up, my legs wrapping around his waist, "Did you sleep alright?"

"Yeah-" Alec nods lightly, a small smile on his lips, "I slept on the couch right next to you- had to make sure you didn't fall- see, I leave you for just a few minutes and you already fell-"

"Shut up-" I groaned lightly and pushed his face away playfully, "Where's Magnus?-"

"Apartment searching." Alec walked into the kitchen and set me on the counter, "He left earlier to go check out some of the ones you guys found last night-"

I yawn lightly, "What? I wanted to go with him-"

"He let you sleep in-" Alec poured me a cup of coffee.

Before I could reply, my phone rang on the counter, as I reached and grabbed it, answering the unknown number, "Hello?-"

Luke's voice sounds, "Zee-"

"Luke?" I was confused, "Whose number is this?"

Luke exhales, "It's the precinct's."

"They give you your badge back?" I ask.

"Not exactly- the vampires attacked the Jade Wolf, and they killed most of the pack." Luke told me, "And the police think that I did it."

"What?" I was caught off guard, "Oh my god-"

"There's no time to explain- I need you to tell the rest of the Shadowhunters what happened." Luke told me, "I gotta go-"

I was stammering, "Wait, Luke-"

"Don't worry about me, kiddo-" Luke assures me, speaking before her hung up,'"I love you."

"Luke-" I began, but he had ended the call.

"What is it?" Alec questioned, staring at me from where he stood, "What happened?"

-

"Hey-" Isabelle walked over to Alec and I in the Ops Center, a sigh leaving her lips, the look on her face already showing us that it wasn't good.

I look at her, "Any survivors?"

"I searched the entire area around the Jade Wolf." Isabelle told us, "I couldn't find anyone."

I sigh lightly, "What about Maia?"

"She's not among the dead." Isabelle lightly shook her head, "There's no sign of her."

"Vampires killing werewolves." Alec looked down, "This is how wars start-"

"What the hell is she doing here?" Isabelle's next words make me look where she was looking, Heidi walking in, Underhill escorting her in.

"Underhill?" I stepped up quickly, looking from Heidi to him, "Care to explain?"

He replied, "She said she had information."

Alec stood behind me, "I'm listening."

Heidi looked between us all, before exhaling slowly, "I know who massacred those werewolves."

-

"Why are you so willing to turn on your own clan?" Alec questioned Heidi, him, Isabelle and i interrogating her in our office.

"Well, they're not my clan, not really." Heidi folded her hands, "I heard them talking about an attack on the wolves, and I never thought they would actually do it- and now, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't say something."

I fixed the hair clamp in my hair that held up my half up half down style, "How do you live with yourself, knowing you murdered that tech at the blood truck?"

"I couldn't-" She stuttered, "That's why I brought him back to life, because I felt terrible."

I stare at her, "You think that's an excuse?"

"What about Praetor Nick?" Isabelle brought up.

"You don't understand what it's like to be drained of blood, murdered, and then to wake up days later and you have no idea where you are." Heidi looked down, "You feel like an animal- alone, and so thirsty- and I just couldn't control myself."

Isabelle looked at Alec, noticing the look on his face, "Oh, tell me you don't believe her-"

I cross my arms, staring at Alec, backing Isabelle up, "She held Simon's family hostage-"

"I know- I still feel so terrible about that." Heidi cuts in, "Lilith is the one who talked me into that- I was actually getting better at the Praetor until your blond friend kidnapped me."

Alec exhales, "Jace-"

"Can I please get another chance?" Heidi asked, "Look, I am not saying that I'm a Girl Scout- I just thought that- I hoped that you could forgive me."

Isabelle replies, "Never gonna happen."

"Why?" Heidi questioned, "You forgave Raphael."

Alec cuts in, "What?-"

"What're you talking about?" I was just as confused.

"She didn't tell you?" Heidi looked at us, "Raphael is the one that brought me back- he kept me locked in the DuMort to run experiments on me, he tortured me for days and then your sister just let him go."

My head snaps toward her, my voice more serious. "Isabelle-"

Alec felt the same as I demonstrated, "Is this true?"

Isabelle sighs, "It's not that simple-"

"Sorry, I didn't come here to start a fight." Heidi interjected, "I just want to help."

Alec looked at Heidi, then inhales, "If we give you a clean slate, will you ID the vampires who attacked the Jade Wolf?"

My head snaps toward him, "A clean slate?-"

Heidi replies before Isabelle or I could protest against it. "It would be my honor."

-

"All right-" I rubbed my hands together, looking out at the team we had prepared, "This whole situation started because the last time somebody tried to raid the DuMort, a vampire was assaulted."

"We cannot afford to let that happen again." Alec was right beside me, "So- I want this done by the book."

"You've been equipped with special tech, holy water." Isabelle said, "I've diluted it to be non-lethal, but it still packs a punch."

"Any questions?" Alec asked, looking around when nothing was said, "Good. May the Angel be with you."

Before Isabelle could follow the rest of them, Alec stops her, "Hold up- you're not going."

"What?" Isabelle looked at him.

Alec exhales slowly, looking from me to Isabelle, "You should have told us about Raphael-"

"I know- I'm sorry," Isabelle huffed lightly, then looks between us, "Look, guys, Raphael is not a bad person- he just made a horrible mistake."

"You sure that isn't your old feelings for him talking?" I placed my hands on my hips, staring right at him, "Iz- come on, he committed a gross violation of the Accords."

"You're starting to sound just like him, you know?" Isabelle crosses her arms, glancing at Alec, "Zee, you out of all people should understand- you wanted to help Jonathan before we found out he was on the opposing side- Raphael is trying to turn his life around."

I stare at her, then exhale slowly, "I'm sorry- you're right- but, Iz- it doesn't change what he did."

"You're right." Isabelle nodded once, "Portal me to Detroit- I'll bring Raphael in myself."

Alec nodded once, holding the same apologetic look I did, "I already have a team standing by to back you up."

"No backup." Isabelle denies, her voice lowering, "I need to do this on my own."

-

"We know you led the attack on the Jade Wolf." Alec said to the group of vampires we had brought in from Heidi's ID.

"Says who?" Said one of them.

"You can't prove anything." Said the other.

Maia's voice filled our ears from behind us, as she walked toward us with Simon in the Annex, "I can."

"Maia-" I looked back, "You're alive-"

"No thanks to him." Maia stares at the one that just denied, "I saw him cut Russell's throat myself."

"Take them with the others-" I instructed, as the guards took them away, leaving us alone with Maia and Simon.

Alec exhales, "Maia, I'm sorry for your loss."

She looks around, "Where's Heidi?"

"What do you mean?-" I looked at her, slipping my hands into my back pockets, "She wasn't one of the killers, was she?"

Maia looked at me, "No."

Alec told her, "She's the one who brought them in."

Simon blinked, looking between us both, "We're talking about the same Heidi, right?"

"She would never do that." Maia scoffed lightly, "Not unless she was getting something out of it-"

I blinked hard, slowly looking at Alec, "Well, someone did agree to exonerate her for her past crimes if she ID'ed the vampires who attacked you guys-"

"You're kidding me, right?" Simon was in disbelief.

"Look, tensions between the vampires and the werewolves are higher than they've ever been." Alec explained, "I had to bring the killers into custody in order to prevent an all-out war."

"That doesn't mean you needed to let Heidi off the hook." Maia was angry, "I could have ID'd them myself-"

"In his defense- for all we knew, you were dead." I stepped closer to her, defensive, "You should've called me-"

"I was busy making sure that Jordan wasn't gonna die." Maia said to us, "Luke told us that he was gonna handle it."

I interject, "Luke is knee deep in his own problem right now-"

"So, you're just letting Heidi go, then?" Simon wasn't happy either, "That's your plan?"

Alec began, "Look, I know how you guys must feel-"

"No, I don't think that you do." Maia walked closer to him, raising her voice, "It's my pack that got slaughtered-"

"Heidi wasn't there, those vampires were." Alec stood his ground, "You said that yourself."

"But- they were carrying out Heidi's plans-" stammered Maia, "Jordan said that she planned the whole thing-"

"Look, I believe you." I said, her eyes glued to me, "But, as long as we don't have evidence, we can't act on it- so, I need you to tell me right now, can you prove that?"

Simon looks up, "I think I know someone who can."

-

"Need a sparring partner?" Aline's voice filled my ears when my fists came in contact with the punching bag repeatedly, letting out all my stress from everything that's happened.

"Aline-" My head turned toward the sound, breathing heavy, not bothering to unwrap my hands, grabbing my kindjals, "Hey- it's been a while-"

"It has." Aline had her blade in her hand, staring at me, "Lot's changed-"

"So you know-" I could tell she knew about the rune, my kindjals hitting against her blade in one swing, "I'm guessing you didn't come all the way from Alicante just to train."

"I heard your brother was in New York." She said, her swings more harder and quick than we usually used to train, "I was hoping you might be able to help me track him down."

"You don't think If I knew where he was, I wouldn't be out there hunting for him myself? He's my problem-" My eyebrows furrowed, noticing the tension, "I already told the Clave everything I know."

Aline landed a solid right in my rib cage, "You wrote in your report that you're looking for a sword called the Morning Star."

"Yeah-" I coughed once, my fist going to where she hit me, "He, uhm- calls it a family relic- somehow got it in that twisted head of his that I'm gonna help him find it."

"Are you?-" She swung her sword towards me.

I dodged, "Am I what?"

"Gonna help him?" Aline swung again, and this time hard, my blades coming in contact with hers at full force, sending vibrations down my arms.

My jaw was clenched now, knowing that she was purposefully trying to hurt me, now growing angry, "Are you questioning my loyalty?"

"No." Aline scoffs lightly in amusement, "But- you did let him buy you a bottle of water."

I push her back, kicking her blade out of her hands, "And?"

Aline knocked one of my kindjals out of my hands, "Is it really that hard to recognize your own brother?"

I scoff at her, "If you knew any better, you'd know I was stalling for backup."

"Except when they got there-" Aline landed a solid on my jaw, "You let him go."

"I didn't." I threw my kindjal to the side and launched myself at her, fighting her as if I was in actual combat.

Aline threw me to the ground, making me grunt when I hit the floor, holding my side.

"That hurt?" She said from behind me, her words making my blood boil, "Good. I want Jonathan to feel it."

My expression fixed into a glare, as I pushed myself off the ground and threw myself at her, fighting her off.

When I knocked her onto the ground, It was ideal for her to tap out and for it to end there.

But, I didn't stop there.

I got on top of her, my fists repeatedly hitting her jaw back and forth, grunts leaving my lips the harder I went, a burning anger in my chest.

I couldn't stop myself.

Nor did I want to.

"Zee!" Jace's voice filled my ears, before feeling his hands grip my arms and pry me off Aline forcefully.

I pulled myself from his embrace when I stumbled into him, taking a few steps back, processing what I had done, Aline's lip bleeding, and Jace looking at me in shock, "What are you doing?-"

"Aline- oh my god-" I was breathing heavy, her blood on the wraps around my hands, trying to walk over to her but Jace held me away from her, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry- I am so sorry, I don't know what that was-"

Jace looked down at her, "You all right?"

Aline was angry, "Do I look all right?-"

"I- I'm sorry-" I pulled back from Jace, backing away, tears filling my eyes, "I just- I can't-"

"Zee, I'm coming with you-" Jace began.

"No!" I raise my voice at him, stumbling backwards, "I just- I need to see Alec- I-"

Before he could reply, I turned and ran out of the room, rushing through the halls and to Alec's office, tears burning in my eyes.

I bursted through the door to see Alec seated at his desk, startled when he looked up at me, his eyes widening lightly when he sees the blood on my wraps and the frantic look on my face when I shut the door behind me, "Zee?-"

"Help me-" My voice cracked, my breathing shaky, "I don't know what's wrong with me-"

"What? Oh my god, are you okay?-" Alec drops what he was doing and got up, walking toward me quickly, grabbing my arms, looking down at my hands, then at me, "What happened?-"

"I just completely kicked Aline's ass- and not even- training- I just- I got so angry at her- and she provoked me- and I- If Jace hadn't pulled me off when he did, who knows what I would've done-" I was rambling, tears falling from my eyes, "I- I couldn't stop myself- I just- I wanted to hurt her so badly-"

"Alright, alright- calm down, it's okay-" Alec squeezed my arms to try and calm me, "Everything's gonna be okay-"

"No- no, everything's- driving me insane- I- I mean, I let Jonathan go- I'm Head of this Institute- a job I don't even think I'm doing a very good job at, I- out of all people should've been able to bring him in, but I couldn't- I was weak- he has so much power over me, Alec-" My voice was shaky, my breathing heavy, "I can't- beat him- I can't overpower him- I think I'm losing myself- my grip on- reality- he's turning me into something I'm not-"

Alec grabbed my face, "Zee, you are so strong- just- just take a deep breath, you will overcome him-"

I felt as if I was breaking right before him, my voice weak, "Help me, please-"

Alec looked shocked and completely caught off guard, pulling me into his chest without another word, not knowing how to reply to me.

-

[ jace's pov ]

"Hey, you sure you're okay?" I chased after Aline after Zee ran off, standing in front of her when she came to a stop.

"Nothing an iratze couldn't fix." She stopped and looked at me, "Although, I just got this shirt."

"Look, I'll send it downstairs- I'll get it cleaned." I tried, then followed up, "Or better yet, I'll buy you a new one."

"If you're being nice to me so I won't report this, it's not gonna work." She shot back at me, "After that, sure as hell will her position as Head be revoked-"

"Aline, come on, please-" I was pleading her, "Zee- she has a lot on her shoulders, you have no idea what that woman's been through-"

Aline scoffs at me, "Yeah, because living up the luxury of your boyfriend being Head to get your own leading position and being praised by everyone for killing our biggest threat is so hard-"

"Don't talk about her that way." I quickly defended her, "You haven't been here to see half of what she's gone through- after everything that's happened, I'm in awe of how she still keeps herself together and is still fighting."

"Jace, what she did out there, it wasn't normal." Aline's words made me worried, "There's something seriously wrong with her-"

"She's under an enormous amount of stress." I explain, "The last thing she needs right now is for word to get out that she beat up the Consul's daughter-"

"She didn't beat me up." Aline quickly said, "I was mostly winning until the end-"

I shot back, "You and I both know she doesn't go hard during training sessions-"

"If she wasn't such a close friend, I would have her arrested." Aline huffs lightly, "But- I swear to the Angel, if she does anything like that again-"

"She won't- I promise." I assure her, "All she needs is a little time to get her head straight."

Aline shot me a look, "I hope you're right."

-

[ zee's pov ]

"Beautiful night, isn't it?" Jonathan's voice filled my ears as I stood at the Waterfront, deciding I needed to be alone.

My head snapped toward the sound, "What the hell are you doing here?-"

Jonathan held a book in his hand, "Funny, I was gonna ask you the same thing-"

"Is this some kind of trap?" I looked around.

"I don't know- you tell me." Jonathan looked just as shocked as I was, "I find it hard to believe that our meeting here is a pure coincidence- I had no intention of stopping here tonight, I have my own business to take care of, and yet, as I was walking by, I felt a sudden urge to stop- and here you are."

I don't say anything.

"You must've felt it, too." He eyes me, "It seems that our rune has brought us together."

He started to inch closer to me, exhaling slow, "I was worried about you earlier-"

I grabbed my phone, "Stay back-"

He came closer to me, "Whoever you were fighting, they must've gotten in a few good shots, didn't they?-"

I warn, "You come any closer, I will call the Institute- I'll have a team here in minutes ready to take you down-"

"Shouldn't you have done that already?" Jonathan stopped right in front of me, "Or are you enjoying this conversation as much as I am?"

I stared at him for a few seconds, then shoved my phone back into my pocket, "God, you make me sick, you know that?"

"And yet, we're destined to be together." Jonathan walked around me, "Our meeting here tonight proves it."

"You can keep making up- your perfect scenarios in your head- and coming up with- idiotic reasons as to why this rune is keeping us connected-" I spun to face him, "But nothing you say is going to change the fact that this isn't destiny, Jonathan. It's the damn rune. Because without it? I want nothing to do with you."

"You love me, Zee. I can feel it." Jonathan confronted me, "It's why you let me go yesterday and why you won't turn me in now."

"Come with me." He suggested, taking a step closer to me, "I know a part of you wants to."

My teeth grit, "Every part of me wants you gone."

"For now." Jonathan taunts, before walking past me slowly, "I've got that appointment to keep."

-

"You're telling me- that you tricked Heidi into killing herself?" I started at the report in front of me that Alec had jotted down for me so I could catch up with what had happened while I was with Jonathan, "You know, that's kind of smart, I'm not gonna lie-"

"See? Come on, I already told you." Maia huffed lightly, her arms crossed, "I made it clear to Heidi that she should turn herself in, and then she attacked me- I mean, you saw the rest."

Alec stares at her from his seat, as I stood next to him, leaning against the desk, "You baited Heidi into attacking you, knowing full well the holy water would kill her."

"She killed herself- even Zee thinks of it as so." Maia gestured to me, "I didn't technically break any laws."

I turn, setting the report down, "You're free to go."

Maia looks between us, "That's it?"

"Said so yourself." I cross my arms, Alec not saying anything since he knew I was right to do so, "You didn't break any laws- why waste our time?"

Maia slowly left the room, as I sighed and leaned back against the desk, looking at Alec.

"For the record-" Alec places a hand on my thigh, "You're amazing at your job."

I gave him a flat smile, just to assure him that I was alright, "Thanks-"

"You okay?" Alec used his thumb to caress, "Wanna talk more? I'm a very good listener."

"I know you are- but as much as I'd love for you to be my personal therapist- I'm fine." I placed a hand on his shoulder, "Come on- Jace, Izzy and Clary are coming by to check out the apartment-"

-

I was seated on the bed in Alec and I's bedroom, my eyes glued to the fireplace in our room, as Alec had gone to let Jace, Isabelle and Clary in.

Normally, I wouldn't be so drawn to it.

But, I was.

I slowly got up and headed towards it, crouching in front of it, feeling the heat warming my exposed parts of skin.

Then I reached my hand over the flame.

And let it burn my palm.

I didn't pull away.

I didn't flinch.

I just watched.

And endured the entire feeling of it.

I liked the pain.

"Zee!" Alec's voice was distant, hearing rushed footsteps coming towards me, "What're you doing?-"

Jace's voice followed his, sounding just as panicked, "Zee, hey!-"

I snapped out of it and felt the burning in my hand when I felt Jace and Alec pull me back from the fire place, a gasp leaving my lips, a shriek in pain.

Clary was shocked, "Oh my God-"

"Zee!" Isabelle held her hand where I was burned, "Are you out of your mind?-"

"Hey, hey- I got you-" Alec held me in his side, one hand on the back of my head as I whimpered in pain, my scorched hand in Jace's hold.

"It's alright-" Jace used his stele to activate my Iratze, the burning going away, along with the burn mark, "What were you thinking?"

I was just as shocked as everyone else, tears in my eyes, "I- I don't know-"

That was until I realized, my jaw clenching, pulling my shirt to the side, my rune ignited, "The rune-"

"We need to get her to the Silent Brothers-" Jace looked between everyone, "Right now."

authors note:

this chapter literally made my heart ache

like alec not knowing what to do because zee never really has asked for help? jeez, that was pain

but omg i'm loving all of these zalec apartment moments so much

BUT, bad dream by ruelle fits with zee's situation so well, listen to it while reading this chapter sksksks

thank you for 114k !!

go read metanoia

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