[ third person's pov ]

It was quiet.

It was be too quiet if it weren't for Jace's random outbreaks, and Alec's quiet cries, locked in a bedroom.

Or Magnus throwing and tossing things in his apartment, that could no longer be brought back to it's normal condition with one snap of his fingers.

The loud anger that Simon clearly felt with himself.

The guilt and regret eating him away.

Clary mourning her dead older sister, that had given her life away to keep her safe, wishing she had just been more accepting of her reasons, and spent more time bonding with her rather than arguing.

Isabelle left feeling broken and at a loss of words, feeling none of her parabatai.

She felt nothing.

When it came to attention, Luke was wounded about the fact that he had lost someone like a daughter to him.

When Maryse found out about what had happened, the great tragedy that had struck everyone, she was ashamed of what she put her through when she first started dating Alec.

Ashamed that she didn't see the kind of love they had from when they were younger.

"If it wasn't for me, Zee would still be alive!" Jace's voice rang through Alec's mind from earlier that night, when he had run right into a spear during a mission, "I put her through hell and she never gave up on me- and because of me, she's dead!"

Alec slowly walked into Zee's empty and cold bedroom, the familiar scent making his heart ache.

He had been trying so hard to keep it together.

But, his heart remained aching every second of the day, as everything had reminded him of her.

And he would find himself in her bedroom every night, wishing that maybe she would come home to him.

He knew she wouldn't.

Because she couldn't.

Alec shut the door and locked it like he had every night since the incident, slowly walking toward the desk.

His hand grazed over the material of the sketchbook she held so dearly close whenever he could catch her watching him, holding a pencil.

He opened the book that she never let him look at unless she showed him, flipping a few pages to stop at a drawing of himself.

His breathing remained slow, feeling his eyes starting to burn as his fingers flipped more pages, just to see more drawings of him on different occasions.

And he could recall every time.

He bit the inside of his cheek, taking a step back, his thumb rubbing nervously over the tattoo of her name engraved on his wrist in black ink, slowly walking over to her closet.

He pulled the two doors open, his eyes falling onto her many jackets and shirts, the scent of her engulfing him.

His eyes stared at the dress that was hung up, one that she wore to his wedding, to stop it all from happening, her eyes begging him to choose her.

It didn't stop you from kissing me in front of all those people- I have to hand it to you, you certainly know how to make a statement.

Where it all began.

Where he threw everything to be with her.

He would do anything for her.

You know, my mom loved you- she's liked you since the wedding, she said that you're good for me and she likes how I am around you.

Alec tore his gaze from the dress when a tear fell at the memory, his hand touching the soft fabric of one of his sweaters that she wore so much that she had began hanging it on her side of the closet, and it had begun to smell just like her, all the time.

Alec took a few steps back from the closet, slowly seating himself on her bed, holding the sweater close to his face, taking in her scent.

He missed her so much.

All he wanted was to be with her.

I can't help but think something terrible is going to happen when we finally confront Lilith.

Alec's eyes burned with tears, repeatedly hearing his dead lover's voice, not being able to tune it out.

We are no match against a Greater Demon- and something's telling me that someone's going to get hurt in the crossfire, and I'm so scared it's going to be any one of you-

She was scared for them, but it was her who got caught in the crossfire and sacrificed herself.

And it broke his heart into millions of pieces.

Alec messed with his fingers, holding the sweater close to him, hoping that the smell of her would help fill the void in his heart.

Why haven't you made me a Lightwood yet?

More tears fell from Alec's eyes and now onto his shaky, cold hands, his eyes burning red from the tears.

I'm so- sorry, I made a mistake, but, you and I- we always seem to find our way back to each other.

Alec couldn't help but let out a quiet sob at the echoing of her words in his head, because he knew she wouldn't make it back to him this time.

I know I screwed up, but, please don't leave me- you make me whole- there isn't a Zee Young without Alec Lightwood.

There wasn't an Alec Lightwood without Zee Young.

And he knew that.

He knew they made each other whole.

That they were each other's pieces.

Alec, since the moment I met you, I have always belonged to you- I might not have seen it then but it's always been clear.

Alec felt like he couldn't breathe with the amount of tears that were rushing down his cheeks now.

My entire heart aches for you. I am completely drawn to you. And no matter what happens between us, I will always find myself coming back to you. I am nothing without you, Alec.

Alec held the sweater tighter.

My heart beats for you.

His heart beat for her just as much as her did for his.

And she was no longer here.

So he felt numb.

Numb with pain.

So Alec cried into the sweater, like he had every night since he had lost her, and only felt absence.

-

[ zee's pov ]

"Good morning." I heard an unfamiliar voice when my eyes finally opened, my vision blurry, my body aching and my head pounding.

I slowly sat up, blinking a few times to focus my vision, my heart turning to see an unfamiliar person.

My eyes squinted, "Who the hell are you?-"

He looked between my eyes, keeping his gaze on me, "Don't you see the family resemblance?"

I stared at him for a second, before it dawned on me, quickly pushing myself to my feet, my eyes catching a glimpse of the broken coffin he was once in.

My head slowly turned, looking toward the brother I had grown to resent, "Jonathan."

"In the flesh." Jonathan nodded in confirmation, taking a step closer, "Resurrection brought back my real face."

I looked around, "Where the hell is Lilith?"

"Back in Edom." Jonathan replied to me, his eyes remaining on me, "Where she belongs."

I looked back at the coffin, everything slowly piecing back together for me, one by one.

Simon.

"You've been asleep for days." Jonathan took another strip closer to me, his stare making me look back at him, "You must be starving- how about I make you some breakfast and a nice cup of tea?"

"I don't drink tea." I shoulder past him and walked further, then stopped and faced him, pulling my shirt down lightly to reveal what Lilith carved into me, "What did she do to me?"

Jonathan pulled his shirt to the side lightly to reveal that it was engraved in his as well, walking closer to me, "Kind of like our family emblem."

"Don't read too much into it." I clench my jaw lightly, "It's what brought you back to life."

"It's a symbol of our bond." Jonathan stood directly in front of me, eyeing me, "I wouldn't be alive without my little sister."

I clenched harder, "I liked Sebastian better."

Jonathan smirks at my words that I tried to spite him with, "Was it the blond hair- or the accent?"

"The thought that my actual brother was dead." I snipped at him, then walking away from him and towards the window, ripping open the curtains, "Where are we?"

Jonathan faces me, "Siberia."

I swallowed, "The apartment can move?"

"Cool, huh?" Jonathan remarked.

I looked back, "Of all places, why the hell Siberia?"

"Lilith sent us here to keep us safe." Jonathan took a step, his hands behind his back, staring at me.

"Safe from what? My boyfriend? My friends-" I faced him, "I was sure I was going to die in that explosion-"

"Lilith moved the apartment before it did kill us-" Jonathan shakes his head once, then looks down with a slight smirk, "And- he won't be a problem."

It took me a minute to process what he had said, my eyes burning at him, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Jonathan was completely blunt about it, staring right at me, "I mean he's dead, Zee."

My heart stopped.

"No he's not." I swallowed hard and took a step back, my back hitting the window, "He's not."

"Yes- he is." Jonathan took a step closer, amusement in his eyes, "He should've thought better than to take his own parabatai while he was possessed-"

My voice fell quiet, fear starting to burn in my chest, "What're you talking about-"

"Jace felt the loss of his parabatai because he's the one that killed him." Jonathan came so close, pushing the tip of his finger against my heart, "He pierced an arrow through his heart before anyone could get to him."

My heart shattered.

My eyes were glued to his, my heart starting to race, complete fright filling me, tears starting to burn in my eyes, "You're lying."

"Why would I lie about something like this?" Jonathan looked between my eyes, "You think I'd know that much if I was just lying?"

A tear fell from the glossy sheets over my eyes, a hand going to my mouth, "Oh my god-"

"I'm sorry, sister-" Jonathan placed a hand on my arm, looking between my eyes, "But, it had to me done-"

"Don't touch me-" I moved away from his touch, my hand going to my necklace, tears leaving my eyes quickly as I gripped the couch.

I couldn't even muster out how I was feeling.

The amount of pain that ached in my heart.

I hadn't felt this kind of pain before.

It weighed on me so deeply.

I stumbled back onto the couch I was once laying on, my hands covering my mouth, staring ahead of me.

I shouldn't believe Jonathan, I knew I shouldn't.

But, what if he was dead?

I saw Simon fall out the window.

Who knew how many stories he could've fell.

And we couldn't take Jace down together.

How could Alec alone stand a chance?

The tears that fell from my eyes were endless, feeling nothing but pain and grief, feeling a pang every time I thought of him.

And all I could think about was him.

"I know it's sad- but, it'll all be alright-" Jonathan slowly crouched next to me, touching my arm, "How about some warm tea to help?"

I swallowed.

I needed to get the hell out of here.

"Actually, tea sounds nice." My voice came out quiet when I dropped my hands, looking at him.

Jonathan looked pained at the sight of my state, "Coming right up-"

The moment he got up and left the room, I made a break for the elevator, prying open the doors and rushing towards the door behind it.

"Zee, come on!" Jonathan heard my footsteps, coming back into the room, "You can't go out there- you're never gonna survive-"

I grabbed the cloak and swung the door open, wrapping it around myself and running out the apartment into the winter cold without another word.

I ran as quickly as I could, the snow getting deeper and harder for me to get through as I ran farther.

The hot tears in my eyes instantly went cold when they fell because of how strong the breeze was.

But the cold was making my body go numb.

The numbness didn't mix well with my emotional state and my quick speed through the snow, because soon enough, I stumbled into a pile of snow and branches.

I breathed heavily, covering my mouth to muffle my sobs, my entire face flushed.

I looked back, seeing a figure walking through the woods, making me quickly jump back up and run faster.

It wasn't long til I had slowly come to an abrupt stop at the end of the woods, to see me at the top of a hill, followed by more woods and forest.

My breathing slowed, my mouth dry.

My eyes slowly rolled to the back of my head, as I completely collapsed, my vision going black.

-

[ alec's pov ]

"Jace." I followed him, "We need to talk."

"Whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait until after we've found Iris Rouse-" Jace replied, walking over to one of the table in the Ops Center.

"No, actually, it- it can't-" I stopped as he faces me, "The decision's been made- you need to take some time off to clear your head."

Jace stares at me, lightly shaking his head, "Look, I don't know what Isabelle told you-"

"She told me enough." I was stern with him, staring at him, "We both know what you were thinking."

"Whatever." Jace rolled his eyes lightly and reaches to grab his sheath, "I've got prisoners to catch-"

"You're gonna listen to me." I put my hand over it and stopped him, staring at him dead in the eye, "Zee is dead, Magnus gave up his power, Simon and Luke risked their lives- and this is how you're gonna repay them? With some kind of a death wish?"

Jace snipped back at me, "You should have killed me when you had the chance, and Zee would still be here!"

"Jace, you need to-" I began to say.

"Get over it?" Jace cut me off, "You may be putting on a brave face for everyone but I can see right through you."

I went silent.

"I can feel how much you're hurting because I feel it too- I know how much you're breaking, Alec." Jace called me out on it, his eyes holding a glossy sheet over them, "How you go into her room every night since then and hold onto her clothes or look at her drawings-"

My eyes started tint red, becoming damp.

"You're closing everyone out- you're closing us all out because we lost her." Jace lightly raised his voice at me, "It's like- you're trying to- force her out of our minds- out of everyone's minds-"

"There is not a day where I don't miss her." I abruptly said, my jaw clenching, feeling the tears in my eyes at edge, "I think about her- all the time."

"But, I can't let the thought of her being gone prevent me from running this Institute, or being there for everyone else-" I stepped closer to him, "Isabelle lost her parabatai, Jace-"

"And you lost the love of your life- she was your everything Alec, your heart, beat for her-" Jace lightly scoffed at me, "You guys really rubbed off on each other- that's how she tried to deal with loss."

"Before you try to tell me that I can come and talk to you, try learning that you can come and talk to us too." Jace turned and walked away from me.

-

[ zee's pov ]

"Here." Jonathan crouched in front of me where I sat in front of the fire place, wrapped in a blanket, my clothes and hair damp, my cheeks strained with dried tears, as he held a bowl of chicken noodle soup, "It'll help you get your strength back."

I stare at him for a second, before taking it, taking the spoon out and tossing the spoon into the fire place, before handing him back the empty bowl.

"I understand that you don't trust me." Jonathan swallowed hard at my actions, "But- I would like to ask you to try."

"Did you really just say that to me?" I stared at him, "You want me to trust you? How could I after everything you've done?"

Jonathan stares at me, "Because I'm your brother."

I grit my teeth, "Blood doesn't justify forgiveness."

Jonathan inhales at my words, "We're actually not that different, you and me."

"You're delusional." I gaped at him in amusement, "In no way am I anything like you-"

"I may have demon blood, but- so do others that you love: Simon, Magnus, Luke." Jonathan stood up, setting the bowl to the side, "You once had it."

"Once." I gripped the blanket tighter, "Then I was almost killed when our father ripped it out of me during his massacre."

"That may be true, but-" Jonathan swallowed, "My curse started the day that I was abandoned by my birth mother."

I snipped, "You weren't abandoned."

"It felt like abandonment." Jonathan snipped back, "Would you be any different if instead of Margaret, you were raised by our sadistic father?"

"I was raised by him- and so was Jace." I fold my hands, "You don't see us being resurrected, then holding our sibling hostage because she's the only thing keeping us alive."

Jonathan scoffed at my words, "Neither of you were sent to Edom to be burned by Lilith."

"Jonathan, if you're looking for pity, you're wasting your breath." I pulled on the blanket again.

"I'm not interested in pity." Jonathan crouched in front of me again, "Just understanding."

"I can't deny the things I've done." Jonathan said, "But- you need to know that's behind me now."

"You expect me to put everything you've done- to hurt me- the people I love- behind me?" I leaned in closer, staring at him dead in the eye, my jaw clenching, "Because of you, the man that I love is dead-"

"I can change." Jonathan didn't move, remaining completely still, "I want to change."

"Because whatever good exists inside of you, at least some of that has got to be inside of me too- somewhere." Jonathan stood up, "I intend to prove that to you."

"I should get some more firewood." Jonathan slowly grabbed his coat, watching me, "I'll be back- soon."

-

My palm slammed hard against the wall out on frustration when the portal rune wouldn't activate and become full no matter how many times I've tried.

"Sorry it took so long." Jonathan walked back in, throwing firewood into the fireplace, taking off his jacket, "The weather's brutal out there."

"The good news is we won't be here much longer." Jonathan took a few steps toward me, "The apartment can take us wherever we want to go."

I faced him, crossing my arms, "New York."

Jonathan pursed his lips at my words, "You know I can't take that request-"

"Then we can't have this conversation-" I turned my back to him, staring at the silverware on the table.

"I know you're upset-" Jonathan walked up behind me, "But- I recall one place that my sister has always dreamed of visiting ever since she was a little girl."

I don't move, "Paris."

Jonathan confirmed, "Absolument."

I grabbed a butter knife and turned, stabbing it right into his neck, Jonathan letting out a gasp, blood immediately oozing out of his wound.

I took a step back, staring at him until I could feel dampness on my neck, along with not being about to breathe.

What I had done to Jonathan was happening to me as well.

I gripped a chair and held my neck, my eyes growing slightly wide, as he grabbed his stele and ran it over his Iratze, healing us both, "Amazing."

I stare at my bloody hand, my voice weak, "No-"

"We are one now, little sister." Jonathan stares at me, "You and I- we are one."

authors note:

this chapter made me so fucking sad.

but i love writing zalec

and listen to war of hearts acoustic if you wanna cry during the third person scene !!!

also, this book is so close to hitting 100k?? wtf

thank you so much for 84k !!

go read metanoia !!!!

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