Isabelle almost ran into my room, "Aldertree cleared me for mission."

"To the Citadel?" I questioned, "Oh my god, Izzy that's-"

I was engulfed in a hug, her tone filled with excitement, "Thank you- thank you-"

"You're welcome." I hugged back for a moment, then pulled away, "I couldn't go even if I wanted to."

"What did you even say to him?" Isabelle asked, her hands slipping into her back pockets.

"I'm still injured from my demon wound." I hug myself, "Technically he wasn't at liberty to send me on the mission anyway, I told him that my arm was getting better but I couldn't go on the mission."

I then brought up the question, "How did he even let you go? I mean- the demon wound on your back-"

"I'm all healed up now." Isabelle smiles, "I'm totally fine."

That felt weird to me.

Because even I would have healed if she was already healed, but mine was taking time.

I clear my throat, "How's Alec doing? I haven't seen him since-"

"Since that warlock's house." Isabelle finished my sentence, "I know- I can tell he still feels horrible for what happened to your mom- and what happened at Iris'-"

"I shot sunlight out of my hand, Iz." I recalled the memory, "It was- actually so cool. And what happened at Iris' wasn't his fault."

Isabelle sighs deeply, "Somehow he's putting the blame on himself. I tried talking to him about it because he's been bottling everything up- but, he kept saying that if he wouldn't just stayed by your side and not let Iris take you, none of it would've happened."

I guiltily look down, "He can't keep blaming himself."

"He's strong." She places a hand on my arm, "He'll heal."

-

I came up behind Alec when I spot him in the Ops Center, holding my leather jacket in my hands, dressed in black ripped jeans, a white tank top under a thin navy blue snap button shirt, the tank top peaking out on my chest, as I ran a hand through my straight hair, standing a foot or two away from him.

Alec spun around, holding my fire message in his hands along with a tablet in the other, jerking to a stop directly in front of me when he sees me.

I eye him for a moment, "Hello, Alec."

"I was heading over to you right now-" Alec began, "What's the emergency?"

"There's no emergency." I admit, crossing my arms, "It was the only way I could get your attention."

Alec eyes me, then turns around, beginning to head over to the monitor he stood at, "Well, since you're okay, I should probably get back-"

"I'm not okay because you're not okay." I blurt out, placing my jacket on the table, getting in front of him and stopping him, "You've been through so much in the past few days, and I can't even begin o imagine how you feel right now."

Alec's silence made me continue, "And you haven't stopped for a second, taken a moment for yourself."

Alec's eyes connect with mine, "Zee, we're in the middle of a war. We can't waste not one minute to-"

"But, that's all I want to do. I want to stop, just for a moment." I cut him off, my hands moving and touching his forearms, "There's always going to be a war, Alec. A mission- and problem we need to solve."

"I'm speaking from experience." I exhale deeply, recalling all the memories of when I first got here, "If you fail to give time for the things you care about, you'll forget why you're even fighting at all."

Alec sighs, his next words making a smile form on my lips, "What do you have in mind?"

-

I walked over to Alec, who stood by the pool table holding a pool cue in his hand, as we were at the Hunter's Moon.

I thought Alec could use a drink after the few days he's had.

I held a beer and cocktail in my hands, handing Alec the beer, "I'm not much of a beer drinker, but it's all I've ever seen Jace drink so- I thought it was the manly type of alcoholic drink."

"Oh, well, I'm not much of a drinker, period, but I'll take your word for it." Alec's words earned a soft laugh from me, as he gently hit his glass against mine, taking a drink, forcing the bitter liquid down.

"It's disgusting, right?" I shot him a look, taking a sip of my cocktail, "You hate it."

"No, it's, um-" Alec stammered to find the right words then slowly nodded towards me, "It's great."

"You don't have to lie to me, ya know?" I set down my drink and grabbed my pool cue, "I never liked beer- I don't know how Jace drinks it like it's water."

Alec sets it down, "Jace is- Jace."

"Yeah he is-" My jaw drops when I looked toward the pool table, noticing he had knocked a few in already, "How did you-?"

Alec bends, using the pool cue to hit another one into the hole, "You see that? It's just like archery. It's all about the aim, Zee."

"Okay- when I said I wanted you to teach me how to play pool, I didn't mean I wanted you to kick my ass while doing it." I leaned against my pool cue, a small pout forming on my lips as I watched him.

Alec noticed the look on my face, and aims again, purposely not getting it in, sighing, "Can't win 'em all."

When he turns to get a drink of his beer, I lean into my hands, hiding a small smile because I knew.

When Alec faces me again, I am staring at the balls left, as I plotted in my head where to hit where.

"All about the aim, huh?" I walked over to the table, my eyes scanning it, "Well- look at this from my perspective."

Alec then crouched, his head being the only thing visible to me as his eyes squinted, as he pretended to thoroughly observe what was there.

My jaw drops when I finally got what he was implying, my hand resting on my hip.

Alec's eyes connect with mine as he notices the look on my face, his lips forming into a small smile as he tried to suppress the laughter that would erupt any minute.

I stare at him, pursing my lips to try and hold back the smile that was breaking onto my lips only by staring at him.

And then we both broke into laughter, not being able to help ourselves.

"Okay- really- if I want to put this in my perspective," I gently calmed down from our laughing fit when he stood us, as I bent over, the pool cue in my hands as I aimed.

"The ball is a demon, and the cue is my kindjal." I aimed, then shot the ball, getting it into the hole.

Alec's eyes connect with mine, "That's a good way of putting it."

"Yeah-" I aimed a few more times and got three more balls in before messing up, propping myself onto the table, "If you can't find the one being hustled in the pool hall, it's probably you, right?"

Alec softly smiles, "Okay- yeah, let's play."

-

I sat in a chair next to the pool table, sighing dramatically, "I feel like that was a good enough amount of competitive spirit."

Alec sat in the chair next to me, on his second drink that was a cocktail, as we set our drinks on the table, the Hunter's Moon somewhat empty in the section we were in.

The corner that was reserved for the pool table was empty, and no one but Alec and I played.

And now we were seated by the pool table in the set of chairs in the corner, with the small table a few feet away from us.

"I grew up with Jace." Alec points out, "I didn't have much of a choice."

"I mean- I heard some people can't be around that energy." I shrug gently, slouching in my seat, "I think it's invigorating, as I'm sure your exes did as well."

Alec reaches for his drink at the mention, "Lydia never complained."

My eyebrows furrow as I looked at him, "You knew Lydia for what- day? You know, before you proposed to her."

Alec held his drink, avoiding eye contact because he knew I was about to ask the question that was burning in my mind, his lips pursing.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, what-" I sat up almost instantly, turning so I was completely facing him, "Lydia's- your only ex?"

"I just haven't had, uh- you know, time for a real relationship." Alec inhales sharply, taking a long sip of his cocktail, then screwing his eyes shut at the bitterness and burning, forcing it down, swallowing against to try and calm the burning, "You know- this- is- this is good."

"Alec- have you ever actually been in a- relationship before?" I questioned, "You know- besides the three milliseconds you were with Lydia, which- honestly in my opinion doesn't count."

Alec stayed silent, and that gave me my answer.

And this is where the humor jumped out.

"Wait- no way?" I blurt out, a bubble of awkward laughter escaping my lips, "You're- so good looking. Every girl in Idris wanted to marry you when it was announced that you were looking to marry- and you've never been in a relationship besides Lydia?"

A gasp leaves my lips as my hand flew to my mouth, "That sounded like I was making fun of you all while complimenting you- I promise, I really wasn't trying to make fun of you-"

I stop myself from rambling, my hand reaching out and grabbing my drink, tipping the glass, letting the bitter liquid down my throat.

Humor was my defense mechanism to self consciousness.

I was Alec's first real girlfriend, and that made me feel like I shrunk to two centimeters tall.

It was almost as if I had a reputation to hold up because I was first actual relationship.

If he saw something he didn't like in me, he would leave me.

And I didn't like that feeling.

"You're weirded out." Alec's eyes fell onto my expression, "You make jokes when you're weirded out-"

"No-" I slowly sip my drink, my eyes connected with his, "I'm totally not weirded out- I get it."

"You wanna know why I haven't been in a relationship?" Alec inhales sharply, setting his drink down, as I followed his actions, "I- 'cause I didn't wanna feel like there was something wrong with me."

Alec stammers, "-because I grew up in the Institute, because I always knew I couldn't have what I wanted because you seemed like you were way out of my league-"

"Me- out of your league?" I emphasized, "Have you even seen yourself? You sound- like a mundane-"

"Zee-" Alec sighs, "I mean- you were interested in Jace. He could have any girl swooning over him within seconds. It's not like that with me- I guess."

"Well- I know for a fact I was swooning when you kissed me at your wedding." I point out and this earns a hint of a smile on his face.

"Alec, listen." I grabbed his hand and held it between mine, "I'm not weirded out, and nothing's wrong with you. I mean- it's just, you're so innocent."

Alec's eyes lock with mine, "In some ways, but- I don't want you to treat me any different."

"But- you are different." I softly smile, "It's a good thing, trust me."

"What about you?" Alec questioned, "I mean, you must have had plenty of exes."

I blink, "What do you mean?"

"Have you seen yourself?" Alec's used my words against me, "Plus- I mean, you're one of the best people I know."

I open my mouth and close it a few times, "Using my own words against me I see."

Alec spoke up again, "How many?"

I almost choke on my own spit, "How many?"

"It's not a trick question." Alec's eyebrows furrow, "You can round down if you want."

"If I rounded, I'd say you're my first." I let go of his hand, scooting up in my seat, leaning my back against the brick wall and hugging my knees to my chest, "Three."

Alec blinks, "Three?"

"Yeah- all three were in high school." I nod lightly, breaking eye contact, my eyes falling onto the ground, "They weren't good."

I decided not to count Jace.

He and I were never really together to begin with.

We never had what Alec and I had, we only acted on our lust.

And now, what we had was a strong friendship; a bond.

Alec stares at me, hesitantly, "What- happened?"

I knew what happened with him and Lydia, and he's opened up to me. It was only fair I told him in return.

"One cheated, another used me- and the last one did both." I simply said it as if it didn't still bother me.

It only bothered me because they all destroyed me.

The look on Alec's face dropped, as I swallow, clearing my throat, "But- what matters is that I'm here with you."

"Yeah, me and so many other memories from- them." The last word rolled off Alec's tongue as if it was some foreign word.

"Bad ones." I looked at him for a minute, sitting up, on leg hanging off the chair as normal, the other folded under the other leg, my gaze shifting back to the ground, "It's like every moment you thought you were happy with them- it turns out it was all a lie- and makes every good memory, bad."

I found myself opening up to him because I wanted to. Not because I felt like I needed to because he opened up to me.

Alec's hand moved onto my knee, caressing it with his thumb, signaling for me to continue, sending chills down my spine.

"I was- pathetic. I wanted something real- you know? Like- what we have. I know I said I never committed to anyone before- but that's because I never really got to that point." I continued as he wished, biting on my bottom lip, holding back the tears in my eyes, "I was fully consumed about the thought of love- being loved- being in love. I practically wore my heart of my sleeve."

Alec squeezes my knee gently in comfort, making my heart warm.

"I just stopped looking for someone after all of that." I confessed, then my eyes locked with his, "Then- there's you."

"I was portaled outside of the Institute- and I met you." I recalled the memory, my heart beating faster at the thought, "I don't know- there was just something about you that I just let you in so quickly. And the closer and closer I got with you- you just got better and better."

The corner of Alec's mouth lifts, "Your hair was long and you had on grey sweatpants- and a T shirt."

I stared at him, "That was over three years ago, Alec."

My heart was exploding at how he remembered this. Even I didn't remember what I was wearing that night.

"You were holding your stele so tight in your hand- and you were shaking, and looked like you'd been crying for hours." Alec went on, making small tears fill my eyes, "I was the first to run out when the alarms went off, and I decided to calm you down instead of scaring you with my bow and arrow aimed at you. Jace and Izzy ran out to see me holding you in the rain until you calmed down. I told you that-"

"That I needed to trust you because everything was going to be okay." I finished his sentence, looking down, a small tear falling from my eyes.

How did our conversations always end up getting so meaningful that it makes me want to cry out in happiness and just squeeze him?

"Careful," Alec's free hand reaches up, tilting my chin up and wiping the tear away, "You might make me think you have emotions."

"Oh really?" My eyes went wide with slight humor, this earning a laugh from both of us, as I leaned forward towards him, my arm wrapping his shoulders, "Says you, Mr. Emotions cloud your judgment."

This earns a laugh from both of us, our laughter cut short when my phone buzzes in my pocket.

I pulled my phone out, my eyes scanning the screen, "Aldertree- wants to speak with me?"

"Well-" Alec inhales sharply, "It probably isn't good considering it's him."

I sigh, "Yeah, no kidding."

-

I walked through the Ops Center after walking back to the Institute with Alec. I had just left my room after taking off my jacket, about to head to Aldertree's office when something caught my eye.

Jace on ichor duty.

Right when he had finished cleaning the seelie blood dropping seraph blades, another team walked in, tossing their seraph blades into the holder.

I began making my way toward them, noticing how they were taking advantage of Jace, our best Shadowhunter being benched and on ichor duty, typically a job a first year grunt would have to do.

One, decided to pick at him when tossing his seraph blade in, my eyes landing on Jensen, a fellow Shadowhunter, when he said those words to Jace, "Make it shine."

This angered me, as I hopped onto the steps, pulling my sleeves up, Jace watching as they all began walking away.

I grabbed the seelie blood filled cloth, feeling the sogginess in my hand, taking a few steps behind him, Jace's eyes falling onto me, "Jensen!"

The minute he stops and turns, I swung my arm back with full force, the cloth slamming into his face hard, then slowly slipping down and falling onto the ground with a splat.

The green substance was stuck on his face, some dripping off his chin and onto the ground, a grimace forming on his face, as he swallowed hard, the blood even getting into his mouth, "You bitch-"

"Tastes disgusting, right?" I wiped my hand onto his shirt, placing a hand on my hip, "The next thing you'll be tasting is your own blood if you keep picking at Jace like that."

"What- so you're his body guard now that he's been benched?" Jensen pushed even with the blood oozing down his face, as he tried to wipe it with his sleeve, "What- he can't man up and deal with me himself? He needs a little girl to defend him?"

Before I could stop myself, my fist flew up and came in contact with his nose, Jace's shoes squeaking next to me when he came to stop quickly as he was about to tackle Jensen to the ground but I had beaten him to the violence.

A cracking sound fills all of our ears when my fist came in contact with his nose, Jensen instantly backing away and gripping at his nose, blood spilling out almost instantly.

I broke his nose.

"Damn- I got seelie blood on me." I notice the green substance on my hand, paying no mind to what I had done, then notice Jensen glaring at me, "Don't worry, it's nothing an Iratze can't fix, right?"

Jensen was silent as he walked away, leaving Jace and I alone.

Jace's eyes connected with mine, "You didn't have to do that."

"He said the wrong thing to the wrong person." I shrug, wiping my hand with a cloth, "Do I even wanna ask what Aldertree said to you?"

Jace dodged the question and grabbed a cloth, beginning to clean the blades, "I heard he wants to see you, what's that about?"

"I was heading there now." I honestly told him, then began helping him clean the blades, "He can wait."

"I can finish this-" Jace began to say, "You can go meet with Aldertree-"

"Jace- I'm helping you finish this." I grabbed another blade, not even glancing at him but from the corner of my eye I notice the small smile on his face, "Alec and I went on another date today."

Jace's smile slightly widened, "Oh yeah? How'd it go?"

"You know how I said love was a strong word?" I questioned, putting the clean sword on the rack, "Well- uh,"

Jace walked over by me, placing the clean blade on top of mine, "Well?"

"Jace- I think I'm in love with Alec." I put it out straight and looked at him.

Jace doesn't look surprised, as if he already knew this, "Congratulations, you're officially the last person to know."

I gently shove him, this earning a laugh from Jace, "Well, after I come from Aldertree- I think you should go and give him the same treatment I just gave Jensen. He shouldn't have put you on ichor duty."

-

"You wanted to see me?" I walked into Aldertree's office after helping Jace, closing the door behind me.

"Yes-" Aldertree looked over to me and set down the tablet in his hands, "Have a seat, Zee."

"Okay," I hesitantly trail off and sat in the seat in front of him, "What did you want to speak with me about?"

Aldertree got straight to the point, "It has come to my attention that you now have demon blood running through your veins."

My heart dropped, my mouth falling open as I didn't know what to say.

"Judging by your reaction, I'm correct." Aldertree inhales sharply, "Did you plan on informing me about this?"

My mouth closed as I looked down at my hands, tilting my head down.

"Since you've lost the ability to speak, maybe this will get you to-" Aldertree spoke up again, "I understand that you're in a relationship with Alec Lightwood?"

I looked up, blinking in confusion, "What does my relationship with Alec have to do with anything?"

"Years ago, when I was still making my way up through the ranks of the Clave, I fell in love with a woman." My eyebrows furrowed as to why he was telling me this, "Beautiful and intelligent. Sexy- and a lycanthrope."

"You fell in love with a Downworlder?" I questioned, "A werewolf."

"Seems odd, doesn't it?" Aldertree questioned, "But- Eva was special."

"After a year together, I was called to Alicante for a summit." Aldertree said, "When I returned, I went to see her and found the aftermath of a massacre. A Shax demon."

"I discovered Eva hiding in the basement- she was in shock, driven mad by grief, she couldn't control herself, so she transformed." Aldertree looked away, recalling the memory, "And attacked me."

I stared at him, as he pulled on his shirt and showed me the claw mark scars, "She would have killed me if I hadn't used my seraph blade."

"Oh my god." I whispered, sitting up, my hands on the arms of my chair, pure sympathy crossing over my features.

Aldertree fixed his shirt, his eyes connecting with mine, "Eva died in my arms."

"You killed her?" I stared at him, "How could you do such a thing?"

"I had no choice- Eva couldn't control herself." Aldertree shot back at me, "That was her nature- her wolf nature."

"Wait, I don't understand." I spoke up, "Why are you telling me this? How does this have anything to do with Alec and I?"

"Zee, that's when I realized a Shadowhunter could never be with a Downworlder, no matter how strong our feelings might be." Aldertree explained to me, shaking his head.

My eyebrows furrowed, "I'm not a Downworlder."

"You have their blood in your veins. This makes you a threat to whoever you may love." Aldertree set it straight, "Whatever was their nature, is now your nature."

I stare at him for a moment, before pushing myself up and leaving his office.

-

I walked into Alec's room, seating myself onto his bed, after coming from Aldertree's office.

His room was neat, and the size of his king bed made me wonder if his feet ever dangled off the edge even if it was wide and long.

Alec then walks in, closing the door behind him, "Hey-"

I swallowed, looking at him, feeling a pain in my chest when I thought of Aldertree's words, "Hi-"

"I heard what you did for Jace-" Alec walked over to me, sitting next to me, "You actually broke Jensen's nose?"

"We all heard a crack." I inhale sharply, looking at my feet, the pain in my chest increasing when I through about it more.

Alec notices my tone, "You're upset."

I stay silent, playing with my hands.

Before Alec could ask again, I felt the familiar rush through my body, my heart plummeting to the ground.

It was my nature.

I push myself up, turning away from Alec and taking a few steps away from him, a small whimper leaving my lips.

"Zee-" Alec's tone was concerned as he came up behind me, his hand resting on my back as he tried turn my face so he can look at me, "What's wrong? Did Aldertree say something to you?"

I shiver away from his touch, my eyes wide as the familiar rush ran through my veins, my eyes going completely black.

Alec turned me to face him, noticing the black, no longer being able to see my eyes.

I expect him to jump back, but he doesn't move.

"Hey- you can fight it, okay?" Alec began, as I pulled away from his touch again, my back hitting the wall.

"No- Alec," I clutched my head, trying to focus on family, "Get away- you need to-"

Before I could finish my sentence, Alec grabbed my wrist and pulled me into his closet and closed the doors.

I gasp when he does, fitting us both in the tight space that was big enough to fit us both, the only light shining was from his room, through the creak in the doors.

Even with such little light, I could make out his features and could see his face.

"Alec, what are you doing-" I began reaching for the door, "You need to get out- I- I can't control this-"

"You're going to be fine- you will control it-" Alec encouraged but I cut him off by unintentionally pushing him into the wall, my hand around his neck.

I squeezed my eyes shut, letting out a low grunt as I used every piece of strength within me to pull my hand away from Alec's neck, taking a step back.

"Get out- before I end up killing you-" I burst out, beginning to lightly pant, as I reached for the door knob to open it and force him out.

But before I could make any such move, Alec's hand were firm on my shoulders as he pushed me against the wall.

"Alec-" I tried to pull out of his grip but my strength was focused on trying to calm the rushing feeling I felt that made me want to kill him.

"You won't kill me." Alec held me there, "You won't."

I stared at him, and all I could see was him.

His closet smelled just like him, and how close he was to me was making my heart beat out of my chest, even through the rush.

I began to breath heavily, Alec continuing, not moving, "I know you- and you're strong."

Alec went on, his breathing being to become heavy also, "You can fight through whatever that demon blood is doing to you. Don't focus on the urge. Focus on me- focus on us."

I panted, as I could feel the rush simmering down at his words, as I stopped trying to fight out of his grip.

"Fight it." Alec was telling me, "Fight it!"

One of Alec's hands moved to the side of my face, as he held it, his voice gentle, "I'm here."

"It's you and me." Alec continued, taking a step closer to me, closing the distance between us, "Focus on us."

Then, the feeling completely diminished, my eyes returning back to normal as I stared into Alec's hazel eyes, a look of shock and fear on my features.

Before anything else could happen, the doors of the closet swung open, Jace stood on the other side.

Alec doesn't bother to move, looking back at his parabatai, a look of annoyance crossing his features.

Jace looked between us, "I thought you guys were having sex-"

"So- you open the door?" I blurt out, staring at him with wide eyes.

"Okay- that came out wrong, that wasn't exactly my thought process-" Jace stammered, but then looks between us, "Uhm, sorry for killing the mood."

I stared at him, sliding my back down the wall until I was crouching in front of Alec, facing his legs, tilting my head down, my elbow resting on my thigh as I covered my red face.

"Jace- what do you want?" Alec questioned him, his voice a sound of defeat as if he couldn't take any more of this conversation.

Jace clears his throat, "You think Magnus has a spare room?"

authors note:

tbh, in my opinion, this was a really cute chapter

i mean, some parts were a little eh but

i'm so soft for them

ha also i made jensen up cause i didn't wanna just call him man

but vote and comment loadsss