7th of July, 2009
Michael is 50, Angela is 45, and Jake is 46

Angela: Adam stopped the car at the back entrance of the O2 arena. There were paparazzi everywhere, along with a swarm of fans just waiting for us there.

"We're here! Let's go, mom!" Paris chirped and unbuckled her seatbelt. The rest of the older kids followed.

"Just a second, Parry," I told her, turning to Blanket, Rose, and Jared. "Pick your masks, guys."

"Mommy, I don't want one..." Blanket whined.

I sighed, "You have to, Blanket."

"But everyone else isn't wearing one!"

"You'll get to take yours off when you're as old as them, okay? Come on, baby. We're gonna be late."

"Yeah, we only have an hour before the show starts, Blanket!" Eric encouraged.

My step-son groaned. "Fine."

"Thank you, baby."

I helped the twins put on their own masks, before the rest of us wore our sunglasses. Adam had Rose in his arms, while I had Jared, and the other children walked with two more bodyguards in front of us.

It was crazy. There were so many people, just trying to get a glimpse of us. In my entire married life to Michael, I've never experienced such a huge amount of people.

I saw the kids enter safely. When I went through the door, it was even more hectic inside.

Crew people were running everywhere, with Kenny standing in the middle of it all.

"Angela," he saw me, a big smile plastered on his face. "So good to see you all! Michael's in his dressing room, he's waiting for you. I'd take you there myself, but as you can see, I have some things to take care of."

"No worries, Kenny. Enjoy yourself." I smiled back.

Adam took us to where Michael's room was. It was less busy there, still, there were a bunch of bodyguards all over the hallway.

I turned to my bodyguard. "Are my parents here already?"

"Yes, ma'am. They just arrived with the rest of the families." he nodded.

I set Jared down and he ran along with his siblings. They didn't even bother knocking, they all just burst through the door.

Michael's laugh echoed loudly, making me frown.

Things between us have been very rocky since the night of the interview.

I thought it would blow over in a couple of days, like it did before, that he'd start talking to me.

Unfortunately, I was dead wrong, it was his turn to be distant.

He almost never came to bed at the same time as me anymore, and in the mornings I would find him sleeping so far away on his side.

Just the thought of it made the knot inside my stomach come back, my heart started beating fast. Here we go again.

"Adam," I managed to say. "Take me to the nearest restrooms?"

The bodyguard obliged as fast as he could. He opened the door for me, making sure I got into one of the stalls just in time.

I heaved over the toilet, that queasy feeling never going away, yet nothing seemed to come out.

My pregnancy symptoms have gotten worse; I was always nauseated, and when I wasn't, my lower back would ache. The migraines were the worst, though.

"Can I get you anything?" Adam asked from outside the stall. "Should I call Mr. Jackson?"

"N- no, it's okay. Let him be with the kids. Some iced water would really help. And don't let anyone in here." I took in a deep breath.

I retched loudly when that feeling at the bottom of my stomach stirred up again. All I wanted was to actually throw up so I could feel somewhat better.

Some noises were heard outside the restrooms, the door creaked open.

"Where is my daughter, Adam?" my mom's heavy accent was clear. "Angela, bella? Are you in here?"

"Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Jackson asked to be alone. Please, go join everyone in the lounge, the show will start soon-"

Another wave hit me. This time, my throat burned and the vomit finally made its way up.

The stall opened. "Oh, Angela... Let me help you."

I shook my head violently, "Go away, mamma. Please."

She clicked her tongue in disapproval, telling Adam he can go. Soon enough, my hair was up as she soothed me.

"Hai finito? (Are you finished?)" she asked after a few moments when it all seemed to stop in an instant.

"I think so..." I groaned.

"Why are you here alone, Angela? Why isn't Michael helping you?"

"He's getting ready."

"Bella, don't lie to me..." mom removed some pieces of hair from my sweaty forehead.

I looked down in shame, "I really screwed up, mamma."

She held me while I cried, asking for an explanation. I told her everything.

How scared I was for Michael, how I didn't want him to worry about anything.

The guilt I had for the abortion I had to go through, and that I'm pregnant again. I told her about that stupid sticky note I found, all the things I said to Michael.

My mom shushed me, "Angela, you can't have this baby... We all know the risks-"

"But I can't go through another abortion. The guilt, it's literally eating me alive, mamma..." I cut her off. "And I don't even have Michael to tell me everything's gonna be okay, because he's upset, as he should be."

"He's scared, bella. Of course he'd be upset."

"Scared of what, mamma? I'm the one who has to go through with this pregnancy, I'm the one who would have to be in bed for nine months. All he has to do is hold my hand."

"No, all he has to do is deal with the consequences. Can you imagine what would happen to him if you, Dio mi perdoni (God forgive me), died? He's scared to lose you, bella."

"I know that, but..."

"No, 'buts'. Think it over, okay? He loves you, he needs you. You're asking him to watch you die. To have this baby means you can possibly die. Imagine how he feels... Maybe, just maybe, his feelings are more important than whatever guilt you have."

I didn't want to admit she was right.

"I'm the last thing he needs to worry about right now." I sniffled.

"You're the only thing he worries about, all the time, Angela," she rubbed my shoulder. "Now, take some Dramamine, and I'll ask Adam to get you sparkling water with a lemon to drink. Then you are going to kiss your husband good luck because he needs you by his side right now."

I hugged my mom tight, thanking her. We stood up and she helped me fix myself.

~

"I'll see you soon, bella." mom kissed my cheek before leaving me in front of Michael's door.

With a shaky breath, I opened it, to reveal my beautiful family. Michael was tickling Rose, who giggled loudly.

Lily and Prince went through his wardrobe and tried on his jackets and hats, while Eric and Paris played with Jared. Blanket sat on the couch, a pout on his cute face.

"Mom, look, I can dance just like dad!" Prince put on his dad's fedora. His moves were a little clumsy and less graceful, but it still made me laugh.

Michael glanced at me for a second when I closed the door.

I joined Blanket on the couch, "What's wrong, baby? You look a little sad."

He scoffed, crossing his small arms over his chest and turned away from me.

"He's upset because daddy won't let him go on stage with us," Paris said. "You're too little, Blanket."

"Paris." Michael scolded.

"What? It's true."

Blanket stuck his tongue out at her.

I crouched down to his eye level. "Remember what we talked about in the car, honey? I know you want to experience this with your daddy, too, but he is only trying to protect you. You're still his baby, and my baby. Your older brothers and sisters aren't babies anymore, so they can choose. Okay? Just a few more years, you'll get to show everyone your adorable face."

"But you always say I'm a big boy." he had tears in his eyes.

"Oh, you are, the biggest," I reassured. "And still, you're our baby. We want to protect you for as long as we can. You saw how many people are out there, right? Isn't that a bit scary? I know I got scared just now."

"It was really scary."

"See? All we want is to protect you from all those big men with cameras. Okay?"

My step-son hugged my neck, "Okay. I love you, mommy."

"Me too, baby."

A knock on the door interrupted us. It was my dad and Katherine, who came to take the children with them to their backstage seats.

"We wanted to give you two a few minutes alone before the show." Katherine smiled.

Blanket unwillingly put on his mask, and I kissed his cheek. All of them hugged Michael, wishing him 'good luck'.

When the door closed, I finally allowed myself to look at him. He seemed tired. Even if he was, his makeup hid it quite well.

"I, uh, should finish up." he cleared his throat, standing up to go to his makeup table. As he applied some final touches, I noticed his wedding ring was gone. His 'Angela' bracelet, too.

He can't be that mad at me, right? I get that I hurt him, but taking off his jewelry? That's too much.

"Where's your ring?" I asked.

"What?" he looked at me. "Oh, right. I almost forgot."

My husband opened a drawer, pulling out his bracelet and what looked like a necklace.

"I took them off for the show, I don't want them to get lost. Keep them for me? I even put my ring on a chain so you know it's safe."

I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding, and laughed at myself mentally.

Gosh, I really need to stop doubting him.

He put them both in my hand. Even that little touch of his fingers on my skin almost made me cry.

"Michael..."

"Not now, Angela. I need to stay focused."

"I know-"

Michael cut me off, "We'll talk after the show. Go, be with the kids. Have fun."

I turned to leave. Just as I was about to open the door, he called for me.

"Yeah, Mike?" I said, hopeful that he changed his mind about talking.

"Don't be on your feet too much, alright? I want you to sit down as much as you can." his eyes were glossy when he spoke.

Not being able to hold it in anymore, I wrapped my arms around his body and kissed him. Our lips moved in sync as his arms held me close.

We pulled away only to breathe. It was that kind of kiss that made me forget everything because only he mattered.

He moved to my neck. After placing a few kisses, he suddenly stopped. His grip on me tightened, body shuddering when he cried.

"Don't leave me, Angie, please... I can't live without you."

"Mike-"

"Please. Please, please, please."

"Michael?" Kenny knocked. "Show time in 15. We need to get your opening costume on."

"Two minutes." my husband told him, his voice breaking. He put me down, then took the necklace he gave me. Gently, he clasped it around my neck.

"Keep it safe."

I kissed him, softly this time, "My mom said I should kiss you, for good luck."

Michael gave me a small smile, opened the door for me, and let Kenny in. I took one last look at him before going to find both our families.

~

Our kids hugged their dad when 'Heal The World' ended.

"I love you." he told them, loud enough for the microphone to pick it up. The crowd went absolutely wild.

All four of them left the stage with one last wave, and everything went dark again.

It was all so surreal. Seeing Michael up on stage like that, performing in front of all these people.

As the band played while he had a wardrobe change, my mind drifted away to the baby inside my stomach.

We both don't want another baby, we agreed on that. I know this is all guilt, and what another pregnancy might do to me. So why am I having such a hard time letting go?

'Earth Song' started playing softly and the audience screamed loudly again.

I watched my husband, my fingers going up to my neck. I played with his wedding ring.

He really did look happy up there. All I wished was that this would really be it. No more performing, no big comeback.

Just to have him home, with the children and I, resting like he should be.

When he sang the first verses of the song, the crowd went even crazier. I looked at my kids, who watched their father in awe.

~

8th of July, 2009
Michael is 50, Angela is 45, and Jake is 46

Angela: I woke up from Michael getting into bed. He made himself comfortable on his side, still pretty far away.

After the show ended, we headed home, not before having pictures of us taken backstage.

The one everyone went crazy for was when I jumped into his arms the minute he got off the stage, all sweaty and breathless. I told him how extraordinary he is, and that I love him.

I was honestly so proud of him. For keeping his promise, for making these shows the way he wanted them but to still be there for me, and our family.

He then kissed me, but it didn't feel like his usual kisses. It was less warm, it reminded me of the way he used to kiss me before we really got together, when we had to act all the time.

Later, Bain joined us in his dressing room, and for once, she seemed so thrilled with me.

"Oh, Angela, that was absolutely perfect! Trust me, that picture is going to be everywhere tomorrow. How didn't I think of it myself? I can see it now, 'Favorite couple of the year'..."

I almost snickered aloud when she said that. Doesn't feel like it lately.

Michael tossed around, moving the bed as he did so. I heard him sigh loudly.

Turning to him, he had his back to me but still shifted. Finally he lay on his back with a slight groan.

"Hey," I whispered. "What's up? You sound restless."

He looked at me, "It's nothing. Go back to sleep, you need your rest."

Coming closer, I gently rubbed his chest.

"Tell me, Mike."

"My mind is racing, all I can think about is everything that went wrong tonight. There were so many hiccups," he said, gazing up again. "I gotta perfect them for next week. I keep making a list of everything that went wrong tonight, but then more things come up and-"

I cut him off, "What can I do?"

He only shrugged and rubbed his face.

"How about you just hold me?" I offered.

Before he could refuse, I wrapped my arms around his torso, putting my head against his chest.

His fingers stroked my arm ever so slightly and I was glad he let go a little.

As I lay there, I listened to his fast heartbeat. His muscles slowly loosened up, breathing shallow.

Looking up at my husband, whose eyes finally closed, I smiled to myself. He looked so peaceful.

All of a sudden, though, his eyes shot open. "I gotta call Kenny."

"Michael, it is 3 in the morning, he's probably already sleeping. Relax, okay? Close your eyes and sleep."

I've never seen him this anxious at night, he always sleeps like a baby when I'm by his side.

"I can't."

"Yes, you can. Maybe I could help you..." I kissed his bare chest. "I know exactly what can put you right to sleep."

"Angela..."

"Shh... Let me do this for you."

I went on to kiss his chest some more, my hand going down to his briefs, peeling them off swiftly.

He tried to hold in a moan when I grabbed him.

My lips traveled to his neck, sucking while I slid my hand up and down.

"Damn it, Angie." Michael said.

"I can do more," I went on. "Whatever you want me to do, I'll do. I can go down and use my tongue-"

He reached down to take my hand off his member.

"Take off your clothes," he commanded. His penetrating eyes watched me as I did what he asked. "Come here."

Patting his lap, he held his hand out for me. I took it, and he sat me down on his stomach.

My husband grabbed my face with his big hands, firmly pressing our lips in a passionate kiss.

"This, you, right here. It's all I need. Why would you want to leave me? Please, have an abortion. I'll cancel the shows, I'll stay home, with you, the kids...I'll do whatever you want. Just do this for me. Another baby is not worth your life." he quivered against my lips.

"You think I want to leave you? It's not that."

"So tell me, I can fix it."

"No, you can't."

"Angela-"

"You can't," I cut him off. "Because you didn't kill our baby, I did! I decided to go to Dr. Haring and ask for an abortion while you were lying in a hospital bed! And then Christmas happened... That guilt never leaves me, Michael! It's always there, plaguing me every time I look at Leo, because I killed his twin! Me, not you. So you can't fix it. The only way to make up for what I've done is to have this baby.

"I believed you when you said you won't do anything stupid to leave me and our family, you can handle the stress. No pills, no sketchy doctor, I believe you. But I need to have this baby, Michael. To clear my conscious."

I felt defeated, like I did three nights ago. Sighing, I lifted myself off his body. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Really, Mike. Just be there, okay?"

Michael grabbed my arms ever so slightly, staring into my soul. He guided me back and kissed me again.

"I'm here, I told you that. I will be there for you, whenever you need me." he promised, kissing me even harder.

"I always need you... God, I need you... Oh, Michael..."

I clung onto his neck as his arms held me close, unable to wait any longer. Moving my hips back, I took in his tip at first.

Our tongues wrestled, our breathing got faster, and I could almost explode from the heat in between my legs.

I sat on him a bit more, not wanting to rush it so we could both enjoy this moment.

He thrusted into me, his moans echoing inside my mouth, as if to beg me to sit on him completely.

There was a bit of a stinging sensation inside me where his tip was, but I ignored it and gave into what we've both been waiting for.

Just then, as he was finally fully inside me, it felt like someone punched a fist in me, and was doing it over and over. I wailed loudly.

What the hell?!

Michael must've thought I was enjoying it, because he grabbed my hips tightly, helping me grind. He kissed me sloppily and groaned.

Whenever his tip would reach a certain spot, the pain got worse, tearing me from inside out.

Pulling away from his kisses, I looked into his eyes, "M- Michael s- stop, stop!"

His eyebrows furrowed while he let me go. Immediately, I rolled off of him. It helped, but the stinging was still very much there.

"Ow, ow, ow!" I hissed.

"What happened?"

"I don't know, it felt like someone punched me-"

My own cries made me stop, the stinging soon turning into more pain.

If the situation couldn't get any worse, that annoying feeling in the pit of my stomach made me get up and run to the bathroom.

Again, nothing came up, I only coughed. Another shot of pain sent shivers down my spine.

"Angie," Michael was by my side in a heartbeat. "What do I do?"

"I- I don't know." I panted, shutting my eyes.

"Should I run you a bath? Tell me what to do, what's going on?!" he panicked.

But I couldn't answer him because it was like an endless cycle. As the pain got worse, so did my nausea.

I clutched the toilet for dear life and almost screamed. Then the pain disappeared all of a sudden.

My stomach was still unsettled, making me heave loudly. Please, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop!

Like somebody up there heard me, it did. The nausea calmed down and I could finally breathe.

My body trembled as Michael sat me down on the floor. "What the hell was that? Did I do something wrong? Did I push in too hard?"

I shook my head, "No, I- I don't know what that was."

"Did I ever hurt you like that before?"

"No, Michael. At least, not that I remember. Even if you did, it was pleasing, trust me. This, it was different, like something was trying to claw its way out."

"Do you want me to call someone? Maybe we should go to the hospital, something could be wrong."

"No, I'm okay, it's gone," I smiled slightly at how worried he was. "I'll take a cold shower, to cool down."

He nodded, helped me to my feet and turned on the shower for me. That sting, it was there, but barely.

My husband helped me wash off because I was still shaking like crazy. After that, we got dressed in only some underwear, hurrying back to bed.

He held me close to him as he finally slept.

Yet I couldn't bring myself to fall asleep, with that uncomfortable sensation in between my legs never going away.