My room was a mess. I've never been too keen on cleaning up but I've never before let my painting supplies just lay everywhere. I didn't mind it though. For the first time, I felt like the mess surrounding me didn't match the mess I felt inside. I had a lead and I had a helper. But it seemed like one aspect of my life just had to be a disaster. 

I woke up with a strange feeling of hope finding me again. I still had way more questions than answers but at least now, I felt like things would start moving and unfolding. The stinging sensation in my chest, however, remained. The stinging sensation of losing the man I found comfort in when I learned that he was just another walking red flag. How strange it was for me to still search for that feeling of having a safety net when it was no longer there. It's been a few days since he last texted me. At the same time, I was pissed at him for his lack of trying but I was also glad he did before it would border creepy. 

Was Zach the bad guy here all along? And was Tyler the one whom I should've trusted, despite his lack of communication skills? Was Tyler just heavily misunderstood? 

His words continued to echo through my head. You were mine. Mentally, I went back to our attempted date. He told me back then about his ex cheating girlfriend. Was that me? Was I the villain of my own story? 

As much as I never thought of myself being a perfect person, I still believed that cheating was something I wouldn't do. I remembered Trina when she found out her boyfriend was screwing around and how it affected her. Was I just as bad? There had to be more about it. Or maybe I was just a competition between Zach and Tyler. Who the fuck even knew? 

With coffee in my hand, I sat on the fire escape and placed a cigarette between my lips. It was quite early in the morning, despite it being Saturday. I didn't need sleep, I needed answers. 

My gaze every so often traveled to the floor below, to the apartment where Tyler lived. One of the windows was slightly opened and I listened to any sign of movements. 

I took a long drag from the cigarette before tapping the ash into the ashtray and brought it right back up to my full lips. I was getting lost in my own thoughts again and whenever that happened, Zach was always somehow involved. Regardless of what happened, I wished against wishes that somehow ... anyhow, I wasn't initially wrong about him. 

I thought about one of the simple, fun days I've had with him. Nothing overly exciting happened that day but it was somehow so light and happy. I watched him fix his motorcycle and five minutes in, I wasn't sure what was dirtier from grease — the entire workshop or Zach. 

I tried to help him and he was patient but he didn't waste the opportunity to smear some of the grease over my cheek. I couldn't even be mad at him because he did it with that stupid, dimpled grin on his face that made my heart flutter. Music was blasting in the background and yet our laughter overthrew the melodic sound. And of course, he ended up fixing nothing because focus was not his strong suit. Especially not when I was poking his side every couple of minutes. He cursed, dropped things, and when he accidentally sat on one of the parts, resulting in a bruise on his ass, he called it quits and declared he can't get any job done and that I wasn't allowed in his workshop anymore. Ignore the fact that I was there the next day again and it didn't go much better. 

"You gonna spill on me again?" Tyler's voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I nearly dropped my coffee mug again.

I averted my gaze a floor down, seeing his pair of brown eyes staring up at me. "I will if you keep scaring the shit out of me," I scolded him. 

He smiled apologetically. "Sorry." 

I shook my head and brought the cigarette back to my lips, only to realize it basically smoked itself with my lack of attention. So, I tossed the remainder into the ashtray and looked down at Tyler again. 

"Did you think about what I said?" he inquired, leaning against the iron fence. 

I paused for a brief moment. I couldn't read this guy. He was either so nice or an absolute dipshit. 

"Yeah," I finally declared. "I want to know." 

His bushy eyebrows raised. "Now?" 

"Yes, now." 

There was still a question mark on the things he did tell me so far. I wasn't sure how much of it was the actual truth and how much of it was his truth. But at least it would get me some sense of direction. Maybe. 

"Okay. Wanna come down here?" he asked. 

"Uhh..." My gaze fell down to my cupcake-pattern robe. "Let me just go change real quick." 

A chuckle sounded from his throat. "Gotcha." 

I climbed back inside through the window and headed for my bedroom. I dropped the robe and replaced it with a fresh light green fitted T-shirt and a pair of black leggings. I put my hair up into a messy ponytail in an attempt to tame the blonde disaster I called my hair. 

A few minutes later, was down a floor and knocked on his window. Tyler appeared on the other side and chuckled as he opened it. 

"You could've used the door," he said as he let me inside. 

I jumped from the window shelf and shrugged my shoulders. "I'm Spider-Man." 

"Right," Tyler said, seemingly unimpressed with my attempt at a joke. Okay then. 

He gestured towards his living room and I followed his lead. I waited for him to sit down before I did the same and stuffed one foot underneath me on what looked like a comfortable couch but was actually anything but. In fact, most of his apartment looked just as you'd imagine a single guy's apartment would look. It wasn't dirty but it screamed 'man cave' vibes. 

"So ..." Suddenly, I felt so awkward. What do I even ask? 

He had his attention on me, almost too much of it. For some reason, I felt so exposed under his stare. 

"What did you mean when you said I was yours?" I then asked, finally coming up with an actual question. Good job, Via. You're doing great. 

He blinked at me as if confused by my question. "Just what I said. You were mine. As in, we dated." 

"Yeah but ..." I sighed. "How? When? I need more than just 'we dated'. Because from where I'm standing right now, no offense, but I don't really see it." 

His gaze was so heavy, so intense, it made me recoil slightly. How could I have dated someone who makes me feel this uncomfortable whether I remembered it or not? 

"We grew up together. All of us. Zach, Kate, James, Zach's sister Montana, you, Maya. We did everything together for a long time. Trina joined in later." 

That was something I could believe, though it still didn't answer who was the boy from my memories. 

"Then what?" I encouraged him to continue. 

"Then we grew up. You know how things are when you're a teenager. You were the youngest and I guess you started to feel a little left out. We didn't live in the same neighborhood anymore because my parents changed jobs and Zach's family moved on the other side of the town." 

The entire time he was speaking, I was hoping any of it would trigger a flashback of some sort. Anything that could somehow confirm or deny his words. But nothing happened. 

"We still ran to each other but it wasn't our little gang anymore, hasn't been for a while. We were sixteen when we started dating. In fact ... " A rather proud grin formed on his countenance. "I was your first." 

Just then I felt sick to my stomach. Knowing that I dated him once was something but the knowledge that I had given him my virginity for some reason made me nauseous. 

His expression changed so, I knew I had to show my disgust on my face as well. 

A sigh left his lips but he continued. "Every time you forget, I almost get you until Zach starts to fill your head with bullshit." 

I tried to process the information but the more I thought about it, the more I didn't want to believe it. Not just that I was once that close with Tyler but just that ... Zach. He was the bad guy? He really was the bad guy? 

"I don't believe you," I protested, albeit weakly. 

He shrugged. "You don't have to. We were happy together, Via. We could be happy again." 

I stared at him and I could feel my eyes burn with tears. "I don't ... I don't ..." 

He waved his hand. "Of course, he already filled your head with shit, didn't he?" 

My lips parted but no sound came out as I took an additional second or two to think when or how Zach could possibly ever 'poison' my mind as Tyler said. 

"We just ... Had fun together. He didn't talk bad about anyone, not even you, I don't ... understand." My voice was growing shaky and I fucking hated it. 

Tyler pushed his fingers through his hair. "Yeah well ..." 

"Wait, so this did happen before?" 

He nodded. "What do you think those dates on your arm are? Those are the dates you when you forgot again." 

Okay, that made sense. That definitely made sense and it was the first thing that did since he started talking. 

I looked at the numbers in my skin and brushed my thumb over the smooth ink. Five. Five dates. Five times I've been through this. Five times everyone has been through this.

And then, the question I've been dreading to ask the most. "That time we went out."

He looked at me. 

"You said something about a cheating ex-girlfriend." I took a deep breath to grant myself a pause and he let me finish talking even though he knew what I was going to ask. "Was that me?" 

I brought my green hues to meet his. His lips were pursed into a thin line and I already knew the answer. 

"Yes," he almost whispered. 

The image I had of myself began to crumble and it did so heavily. Like a fucking landslide and it all came crashing down on me. 

"With ... Zach?" I whispered, not daring to look at him again. I didn't think I ever felt as ashamed as I have at that moment. 

"Yes," he affirmed again. 

I knew parts of it had to be true. I knew it because of the interaction between Zach and Tyler every time they saw each other, because of the things Kate said that night out. But we used to all be friends. Was I the reason for the tension between them? 

"Why do I ... Forget?" I needed to get as much out of him as I possibly could. 

"What the fuck do I know," Tyler replied coldly. "I still don't buy that shit. I still think it's something you, Maya, and Zach came up with to fuck with the rest of us. Though, I fail to see what you gain from it apart of treating us like shit then hitting the restart button." 

I found myself staring at him, my heart pounding loudly in my chest. I changed my sitting position at least ten times, trying to make myself comfortable but to no avail. 

"Why doesn't anyone tell me what happened before? Why does everyone pretend that they never met me before, apart from a few people?" 

Tyler was visibly growing annoyed. "I don't fucking know, Via. As much as I'm concerned, it's just another game. I didn't tell you to come here to ask me those questions. And before you ask, I only played along because I thought that maybe you'd still be you. Underneath all that bullshit. It happened too many times for me to believe it. I thought that if I played along for once, you'd let me in. But it was the same old, especially the whole Zach waiting for you on the steps when we got back. What the fuck even was that?" 

I took a deep breath and stood up. "This really is a way to get me back or whatever your plan is here." 

Tyler rolled his eyes and clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. Then, he got up as well, his frame towering over me. "You'll come around," he declared with a sly grin that suddenly appeared. 

If this was the real Tyler, I wasn't that surprised I left him. It doesn't excuse the cheating but ... Sigh. 

"What? Don't believe me?" It sounded like a challenge. 

I clenched my jaw and put my chin up. "No. I don't." 

A hint of amusement swam in his dark irises. "Give it time." 

I got the fuck out of there. Shivers were still traveling down my spine when I reached my own apartment. My head felt like it would combust at any given second. I needed to get my hands on that file Scar promised me. There would only be facts on those papers and that's what I needed. Facts. Not some bullshit, failed love story Tyler was presenting me. If I got that file, I could also prove to Tyler that this isn't a game. What kind of psychopath comes up with something like this? 

An annoyed groan left me as I sat by the foot of my bed and placed my sketchbook on my lap. The piece of charcoal I held between my fingers was trembling until it touched the piece of paper. The moment I drew the first line, it felt like a breath of fresh air. 

I turned my mind off before I could succumb to overthinking again. But each time I did that, each time I drew the lines as my heart told me to, one and the same face appeared. 

Agitated, I tossed the sketchbook away. Maybe I should forget about Zach and truly give Tyler a chance. An idea of how I could use him crossed my mind but was I really becoming that person? This was so much bigger than just choosing 'the right guy'. This was my entire life. 

***

The fridge was half-empty so, I decided to make my way down the street to the store. I pushed the trolley between the shelves, humming to myself along to the rhythm of the song that played quietly in the establishment. The store wasn't very crowded which I liked because I genuinely wasn't in the mood to deal with people. I was simply still so far from feeling like myself. Or maybe this was the new me. 

I stopped by the snack section and pressed my index finger to my lips as I looked through the selection of chips and dips. Having a quiet movie night by myself didn't sound like the worst idea. 

I grabbed a couple of bags of spicy tortilla chips and threw them into the trolley, along with nacho dip. As I pushed it further to go to the next section, another trolley crashed into mine right at the corner. 

"Careful," I said and craned my neck to inspect the offending party. 

I should've gotten used to these little surprises life was throwing in my direction. But the joke was on me. 

Zach's mismatched eyes peered from around the corner. "Sorry," he mumbled and it was enough for my heart to twist and turn in my chest, trying to rip the heartstrings and leap out. 

I was staring at him and he was staring at me. Then, a small smile touched a single corner of his mouth. 

Everything inside me began pounding against my bones to just walk away. He had hurt me enough. But then, there was this one tiny whisper in my head that made me say: "Hi."