All he desired was his big brother’s undivided attention and love, but his wishes were never granted.  He knew in public he acted like the perfect modeling hyung, but once they leave the eyes of the public, he would act like he didn’t exist.  Luhan had the face of an innocent angel, but his heart was dark and careless.  Their personalities were complete opposite, but growing up without feeling the warmth of love, it’s understandable.

            At least to Sehun, it was completely understandable.

            At a young age, both their parents died due to a fatal car crash.  Sehun was with them, and for years, Luhan blamed him for their death.  Since then, nothing has been the same for the younger brother.  Crying himself to sleep at night, skipping meals, having no one to turn to—he was always the brink of giving up.

            Yet despite the pain, all he wanted was his hyung’s love.

            He could never bring himself to apologize to Luhan.  Sehun couldn’t form the words on how to apologize.  The memories that remained of his parents is that they were all smiling, laughing, until he saw the world revolving around him and blackness engulfed his vision.  Screams haunted his dreams, but he couldn’t figure out whose scream that belonged to.  It wasn’t too important.  Knowing who it belonged to will haunt him even more.

            As usual, they would walk to school together; Luhan keeping his head high, waving and smiling at people who greet him while Sehun would keep his head hanging and feet dragging.  It was Sehun who had to keep up with Luhan, but the big brother never bothered glancing at his little brother.  Once they reached the school grounds, they went separate ways, Sehun watching his hyung from the distance and two words echoing in his mind that he couldn’t muster the courage to say.

            I’m sorry.

            Lucky for Sehun, he had a few faithful friends that helped his pain ease away.  He would laugh to where it hurt to breathe, and to where he forgot his painful past and heartbreaking present.  Kai and Chanyeol treated him well, but once it’s time for them to leave school and head home, Sehun’s painful reality would strike him all over again—Just like it did every day.

            He would walk home alone, clenching his jaw tightly from the bitter cold.  Cold days like this always reflected just how he would feel.  A gray sky, slight breeze, and a light fog hanging in the air.  Everyday walking home, Sehun would wander what convinced Luhan that it was his fault their parents died.  Perhaps he needed something or someone to blame, since accepting his parents died without even having a proper goodbye.  What was the last thing they did together before their lives were stripped away?  Shaking his head, Sehun would proceed on walking home.

            One day, Sehun arrived home and was surprised to see Luhan invited an incredible amount of friends home.  Two of them were Kay and Chanyeol.  All of his friends greeted him warmly, but he stood there in wander on how they all managed to arrive here before he did.  Pushing the thought aside, Sehun gave them a wry grin before dragging his feet to his room, locking himself in the stuffy room and focused on his studied.

            There was a knock on his door and a deep voice followed afterwards, “Sehun?”

            The maknae lifted his brows. “Y-Yes?”

            “Will you be alright if we, uh, have a few drinks?”

            His words made him frown.  Of course Sehun minded if they drank, because eventually they would go out of control, but there was no stopping it.  Luhan would be too hung-over to clean, so Sehun willingly cleaned up their mess for them.  It always hurt knowing his own friends drank with Luhan, but telling them how it bothered would make him seem bossy. 

            “Go ahead.” Sehun would mumble in a cold voice, reaching for his iPod and playing his music loudly in his ears.  The music blocked out the noise that would soon come and cause his bones to crack.  Honestly, he hated how they partied.  Why can’t they all have fun without resolving to the contents of alcohol?

            Sehun didn’t understand, but he didn’t plan on to anytime soon.

            While listening to music, he felt light thumping on the wooden floor beneath and released a sigh.  It’s only been five minutes and they’re already crashed! Sehun yelled in his mind.  Not being able to focus, he closed his textbook and stood up from his seat, making his way to his bed to nap.  Within a few hours they should be gone. He mentally added, stepping towards his bed until he heard loud knocking on his door.

            “Seeeehuuuun!” He recognized the slurred voice as Kris, “Come out here for a bit!”

            “No.” Sehun responded in a sharp voice.

            “Please!”

            “No.”

            “Get out, little brother! Join t-the fun!”

            Sehun froze, knowing exactly who that voice belonged to.  Facing the door, his heart skipped a beat.  Luhan called to him!  Sehun smiled.  Even though he is drunk, knowing Luhan acknowledged his presence and wanted him to join the fun made him…more alive.

            With slight hesitation, Sehun walked towards his bedroom door, the smell of alcohol hitting him the closer he thoughts.  Scrunching his nose, he opened the door and saw Kris on all fours, two bottles of vodka in both hands.  Luhan was leaning against the wall just in front of his door, beer in hand, a wry grin on his face.  The older brother narrowed his eyes once Sehun’s spinning figure came into video.

            “Sehunnie!   There you are!” Baekhyun called out in a high-pitched chirpy voice.  Sehun turned to his hyung to see him toppled over the table, a half empty bottle of beer in hand. “Come join us!  Tell us stories!”

            The sight of eleven drunken boys disgusted him.  Even though a part of him wanted to, he is not going to fall into the pressure of it—Luhan’s acknowledgement of his existence included.

            “I-I’d rather not.” Sehun shyly told them, back stepping into his room.  However, Luhan lunged forward and grasped his dongsaengs’ wrist, jerking him back forward.  Sehun caught himself, surprised on how strong his hyung is.        

            “N-Nooo.” Luhan slurred, focusing on his towering little brother. “You—You’re drinking little brother.”

            “No way.” Sehun coldly replied. 

            “Sehun!!”

            “Luhan.”

            His hyung narrowed his eyes at him, “If you don’t, I’ll tell all ten of them your dirty little pitiful secret.” Luhan smirked, losing his balance a bit but catching himself quickly. 

            Sehun froze.  He was mortified.  Flashbacks of that day hit him like a brick, so he stumbled back.  Sehun shook his head, shaking a bit.  The screams, the pain, the horror—it’s repeating once again.  He felt lonely once again.  Sehun heard the noise in the background fade away, only seeing Luhan and his wry smirk.

            “N-No.” Sehun murmured.

            Luhan tilted his head, “What was that?!” He yelled rather loudly. “You want my sympathy, you murderer?!”

            Sehun had tears fill his eyes, “I-I’m no murder—“

            “Hey guys!” Luhan whirled around and stumbled towards where the other ten were happily drinking and laughing. “Guess what!”

            “You crapped your pants!” Xiumin suggested.

            “Luhannie got laid, finally?!” Jongin added.

            “No!” Sehun choked his voice just barely above a whisper.  He was frozen in place.  He was scared.  Sehun watched his brother speak to them as if he hasn’t suffered enough the past years.  His words made him crumble to the ground, and weakly lock himself in his room with tears streaming down his eyes.

            “Sehunnie is a murderer!  Did any of you know t-that?  You know how scary it is living with someone who can kill you in your sleep?” Luhan gave a gurgled laugh. “It’s scary! It’s sooooo scary!”

            “Please, stop.” Sehun whispered, curling himself in a ball.  Depression hit him constantly and he lost interest in everything that would comfort him; music, dancing, singing—everything.  His flawless face was streaming with tears and his blonde hair stuck to his skin from the sweat that began to bead from their pours. 

           
                        “A murderer?”

                        “He’s what?”

                        “I’m not.” Sehun hoarsely spoke out, knowing that none of them would hear his inaudible voice.  He raised his head and saw a certain object, and that was when he knew he had enough of this life, being labeled has a murderer even though he didn’t kill their parents.  But with them chanting it, he soon believed it himself.

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