Chapter 9

—Tris

"Just eat a little bit more," she holds the toast to my mouth like I'm a child.
My hands shake so bad that they're basically unusable.
I'm basically a child.

"I'm going to throw up," I shake my head, trying to move her hand away. She sighs, setting it back on the plate and resting her hand on mine. I yank my hand away, my whole upper body feeling as if it's shaking.

"What hurts? I was thinking it was stress before, but it's clear you're in pain."

"My leg," the words stumble out of my mouth. "I thought it would subside and get better but it's just getting worse and it hurts." I find my hands pressing on my nose like I use to back when my PTSD was more severe.

My mother makes no hesitation on standing up and getting out of my room, probably to find a nurse.

"...I'm her mother, Natalie Prior. It's nice to meet you." I hear my mother's voice get closer and I see her and Dr. Scott enter the room.

"Hi Tris," the older woman's familiar voice greets me. "When did this start?"

"This morning," I jerk as she touches my leg. "On the second half of my walk with Julie."

The doctor makes a face then goes to the foot of my bed. Pulling out a clipboard, she rummages through it, looks at her wristwatch, then looks at me.

"Tris that was almost five hours ago now. Why have you been suffering and not telling anyone?"

"I'm fine," I say sternly and she shakes her head.

"No, you're clearly not," She scoffs, shaking her head. "I thought you were past this."

I have so many things I want to spit at her and snap, like I have been doing at everyone all morning, but I am too frazzled to say any of them.

"You're lucky this isn't serious, it's just swollen. If this was serious, it could've been fatal by now if it was something like an infection. You need to tell Julie or I these things when they first happen, Tris. This is why we're so concerned about releasing you."

"I get it, I get it," I shake my head, again, feeling like a child.

"She hasn't been eating," my mother adds and I hear the doctor sigh. "I've been trying to get her to—"

"She never does when she's in pain." The doctor presses lightly on my leg and I yank it back. Her hand presses down on my thigh and I oblige, keeping my leg flat, my hands still against my nose.
"I'm going to go get a long ice pack. You sit tight," the doctor says and I hear her leave the room.

"Just breathe, Beatrice," I jump when my mothers calm hand touches my arm. "Take your hands down and breathe."

"I'm sorry," I barely whisper but my mother does hear it.
"Honey, you don't have to apologize."
"I'm trying to get myself together, I'm trying not to snap at people, I'm trying to be present and not spaced, but it's not working and I don't know what to do," The words fall out of my mouth.

"All that matters is that you're trying," I recognize Dr. Scott's voice and hear her footsteps again. "You're going through a lot, and your brain and your body's reactions to everything are only normal, Tris. I just need you to speak up when things are wrong. Only you can feel your pain. I'm going to put ice on your leg now, okay?"

I nod and feel her rest the oversized cold bag across my whole calf. It's so large I feel it on my right calf as well.
It's only seconds before the pain amplifies and feels ten times worse.

"Take it off! Take it off!" I find myself kicking my leg, my hands flying to it to try and get warmth to the area. The ice pack hits the ground with a slump sound and the doctor is immediately right next to me trying to see what upset me.

"It's worse," I'm shaking my head like I'm crazy. "It hurts so bad."

"Breathe, sweetie," I feel my mother's hand on my shoulder, rubbing small circles as I try to suck in air.

"Here, Tris," it's Marie's voice. "I got you a warm towel it—"

"No! Just, don't!" I freak out, not wanting anything on my leg other than my own hands.

"Okay, okay," she stops what she was doing, busying herself with the clipboard once again as I fall defeated in my mother's arms. She holds me, sitting next to me on the bed as the searing pain from my leg makes me unaware of my surroundings.

I notice Marie look up and I see her lips moving but hear nothing. A look of panic comes across her face as she rushes over and tries to put a mask over my face.
I fight her, trying my best to get her hands away from my face.
But, I fail.

My mother lays me back on the bed, and I see her lips forming my name but I can't hear her.

What's happening to me?

The world is black for only a few seconds, and it feels as if I only blinked. When I open my eyes and hear my mother sigh of relief, I come to the conclusion that I passed out.

My hand automatically flies to the mask on my face and I try to get it off. My mother calmly takes that hand off my face and holds it in hers, rubbing it lightly as her face looks shocked.

It's only seconds before the pain returns at the force it was before and I press my head into the pillow behind me.

"Stop holding your breath or you're going to pass out again, Tris. You need to breathe," Marie says loudly to get my attention, my eyes meeting hers.

"There's no way this swelling is going to go down without ice," Marie says to Julie, who now has entered the room and met my mother.

"It really needs to be iced twenty minutes on, twenty off," Julie says. "But there's no way she can tolerate it."
"Twenty seconds, if we're lucky," Marie says.
"Why did it get this bad?" Julie asks.
"You guys didn't go further than normal this morning, right?"
"No, nor did she go anywhere with her family that was here."
"She can't have anti-inflammatories with the oxycodone. I mean, technically she can, but in her case, not really," Marie says and Julie mumbles an agreement.

I hear footsteps go across the room and my eyes fly open. I see Julie across the room, then my mother who sits right in front of me, ignoring the two medical professionals behind her.
"It's alright, you're okay," she takes both my hands in hers, and I realize I'm not shaking as much as I usually am.

"It's warmed a lot, but it's still pretty cold," Julie says to Marie.
"Let's wait another few minutes then, I think I understand what's going on." Marie pulls up the chair on wheels, then sits down next to me, resting her arm on the side of the bed.

"So, here's what's up. First off, the swelling I think is coming from your ankle, and it's something to do with the distribution of weight when you're walking. We're going to try to get you in shoes, not today, but later, to help this. But in order to get you in shoes, the swelling needs to go down first. Since the list of medications you can take right now is, well, nonexistent, really the only option is ice." She sighs.
"When we did the surgery, we removed a lot of tissue and muscle from your leg, all which had nerves and then once removing tissues these little nerve endings either got damaged or are over sensitive because of the trauma. Basically, you're really sensitive to cold, and probably heat and impacts too. This could be a forever thing, or it could be a long temporary thing that could take years to go away. What we know is right now this swelling needs to go down, and the only option is by ice," she explains.
"So, that ice pack is not as brutally cold as it was fifteen minutes ago, but it still is cool, and it's still going to hurt like a bitch. You need to try to keep your leg still and not kick it off. I know it will trigger you if someone holds your leg down, so you're going to have to keep still on your own. Your goal for right now is to keep it on for three minutes. I know you can do this, and you really don't have a choice, so you have to be able to." She pats the bed, standing up and helping Julie situate the ice pack on my leg.

This and childbirth are just not comparable.
They're two totally different types of pain: both which are ultimately unbearable.

I bite a hole through my cheek, and the only thing I can compare the pain to is being stung by a million wasps over and over again and again.

And after those three minutes we're up, I had to do it again five minutes later.

+ + +

"Hey," Tobias's voice is low as he takes my hand in his. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay. I was lonely, but not anymore now that you're here," I smile, pressing my lips to his. I'm surprised when he deepens the kiss, his hand wrapping around my waist as our lips move against each other's.
I sigh, his tongue running along my lower lip as I open my mouth, our tongues colliding.
For the first time in a long time, I want more.
I know we can't do much in a hospital room, but I really wish we were home.
I want him.

His hand goes through my loose hair, pulling it slightly as he moans lightly. I nibble his lower lip, teasing him as I find myself pressed against the back of the propped up bed. I gasp, his other hand lightly squeezing my ass as our lips do not miss a beat.

"Tobias—" I whisper, knowing we will have to stop soon.

"I know." He says shortly, his lips returning to mine as we slowly kiss. Compared to the passion of making out minutes before, now it feels as if we are moving in slow motion. My hand lightly presses on his cheek as we calm down, our lips slowing until we separate. I run my thumb along his lower lip, and he kisses my thumb, causing me to flash a smile at him.

"I've been wanting to talk to you," I say quietly. "When my mom was here two weeks ago I talked to her about it briefly, and, well, I want to talk to you."

"What is it?" His thumb runs across my knuckles. I think back to how differently things were two weeks ago when Caleb, Thomas and my parents showed up and my mother sat with me for hours after they left.
My hands were shaking horribly then.
Now, it's not as severe.

I was snapping at everyone; saying things I didn't mean and was easily angered.
I feel more in control of my temper now.

I was being told by my doctor and nurses that I wouldn't be released until I was trusted.
Now I may be getting out of the hospital in another week.

"I— I don't know, with all that has happened, if I'm able to carry another child. I really want to have another baby, Tobias. I just, I haven't asked Dr. Scott what the chances are, and how long I should be off of the oxycodone before, or if we ever try, and I just—"

"We'll talk to her. Don't worry yourself sick until we have an answer." His hand lightly squeezes mine and I press my forehead into his upper arm. "She should be coming in any minute now like she does every night. Let's ask her."
I sigh, nodding in agreement.
I'm terrified she's going to say we have to wait a long time, or that I may never be able to safely carry a child with this addiction agitated, or that my leg cannot support myself and a child.

"This clearly has been bothering you," Tobias looks at me, clearly concerned. "Why haven't you talked to me sooner?" He cups my cheek and I press my face into his hand.

"You've been going through a lot, and so have I, and I just don't want it to be an answer that makes things worse."
"You wanted to wait until everything is solved with the Bureau anyways, which I still agree we should do. This isn't going to be a thing we're dealing with tomorrow—"
"But it's the future, Tobias!" I grow upset and raise my voice. "I know it's not right now, and I don't want another child right now, but it would be nice later on, and maybe it isn't even safe! I just don't know..." he holds me close to him and deep down I know he is feeling the same way that I am.

There's a confident tap on the door and in walks Dr. Scott.
"Hey there," she smiles and I smile back. "How are you feeling?" She asks me.

"Fine, actually," I nod and she seems pleased.

"We were wondering," Tobias jumps right in and I feel my stomach clench. "Before all of this, we were planning on having another child. When would it be safe to start trying again?" His hand runs circles on my slightly shaking hand.

"Once you're discharged from being an inpatient, you still will be taking oxycodone orally for about a month every morning. After your last oxycodone dose, I would say two months, unless stopping the oxycodone completely doesn't go over well with your body." She sits on the stool with wheels, examining my leg as she talks.

"But it will be safe to carry a child?" I feel my voice shaking. "Between the drugs and my leg?"
"Your leg will hold up fine. You're getting stronger each day. As long as your actively taking your daily dose of oxycodone for that first month and your body adapts well the next month, you may really only need to wait two months, but we will deal with that as it comes." The woman smiles at me and I feel relief.

"I can prescribe you a birth control for those three months, if it will help. I wouldn't recommend giving you a birth control shot, because of how sensitive you are to medications recently, but a pill probably would be a good idea," she suggests and I nod.

"Which, speaking of being discharged..." her eyes meet mine. "How does next week sound?"

I smile from ear to ear, and I feel Tobias's excitement next to me.
"You've improved a lot these past two weeks, and your leg isn't swelling up when you walk anymore, so I'd say a week, maybe less and you can head home. Sound good?" She stands, chuckling probably at my face.

"Sounds great!" I feel my eyes water from happiness.

I didn't expect this news at all.



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Hey everyone! How's it going?
Happy Tuesday! Here's a little gift of a random surprise update (((:

I've been getting busy pre-writing this week, and I was able to fit a Tuesday into the schedule, so here we are!
Things are looking up for Fourtris and their family (((:
If you wanna be prepared, the mature rated parallel book for this fourth book is now posted on my profile! More fun should be coming real soon in there 😏🤪

3.32k reads!
See you all Friday!

All the love,
Kat