Chapter 4

— Tobias

She hasn't spoken too much, and I'm not sure if it's from pain, confusion, or if the oxycodone is making her not feel present.

The surgery was a success, but Tris is in rough shape.
They are mildly concerned about the swelling in her leg that seems to only be increasing, and her heart rate has been very high. Today, and I lay here in the hospital bed with her in my arms, I notice how warm she is, and how she is sweating.
They all could be side effects of the oxycodone, and how her body wants more of it. But the swelling of her leg only screams trouble to me.

She stirs lightly, her head turning to look towards me. I was here pretty early today, and her body knows no difference between night and day anymore, so she was just falling asleep at nine this morning.

"Good morning," I smile at her lightly and she sighs, placing her head on my chest compared to before where she was on my upper arm.

Her breaths are shaky, but she seems calm. She has been on the oxycodone for a week now, and she seems to be getting use to her body's reaction to it. The IV begins to drip, and she winces, but doesn't usually go into a complete flashback like she would have just a few days ago.

"I forgot to wish you a happy anniversary the other day," I run my hand over her loose hair. The IV stops dripping and I feel her body relax seconds later.

It really does just feel like yesterday we were discovering the prison that held so many of Chicago's citizens.
It feels like I just got her back in my arms days ago.
But it's been years now.
We got married, had a son, and yet did a complete circle back to being in the hospital because of her leg.

"What time is it?" She asks weakly.

"About noon."

We lay quietly for about another hour after that, and I feel myself begin to grow hungry. I was planning on waiting around until Dr. Scott came to check on Tris, and maybe even bring food back for the two of us if she was willing to eat. But Marie hasn't come yet, and I think Tris is asleep on my chest.

I've notice that she is shaking slightly as she rests, and she seems to be growing warmer.
I really wish Dr. Scott would show up now.

"Tobias?" Tris stirs, her eyes blinking slowly.

"Yes, love?" I move my thumb on her arm, letting her know I'm here.

"Something's wrong." Her voice is small, and it's weak.
She takes a long and strained sigh, and I hold onto the little bit of her I feel I have left.
Her body grows heavy on me as she breathes in pain.

I had every right to be worried.

Something was very wrong.

+ + +

—Tris

The first thing I hear distant voices.
The second thing I feel is my hands; my fingertips moving across skin.
The third thing is a thought: am I actually alive?

The first thing I do is wiggle my toes: all ten of them.

There's no way.
I have to be dead, or dreaming.

I surprise myself when I open my eyes, only to find the world spinning around me.
I gasp, the peace being gone as I suddenly have the urge to hurl.

I blink my eyes rapidly, trying to get the world around me to clear, but I feel myself begin to panic when it doesn't.

I wince as I feel a hand on my cheek. The sudden contact startled me as I turn to the direction of the hand, reaching out to the blurred form.

I know it's him.
Dream or death or reality, I know it's him.

"Shh," his voice confirms my assumption. "I've got you, you're alright."

I blink rapidly, still unable to get a clear image of Tobias. My hand that reaches out gets laced in his, and until that point I wasn't aware of how brutally I was shaking.

"Look at me," his voice is calm; trying to bring me back to Earth. "Slow down and just look."

I listen to him and feel his hand in mine. His other hand is on my cheek, and all I can smell is him.

"Slow down, Tris." his voice is mellow and calm, when in my mind all I feel is panic.

I blink slower, and suddenly I can physically feel how shaky I am. I'm unable to make my breaths even, as my whole body trembles and shakes as I hold onto him for support.

I feel a tear glide down my cheek as I blink again, letting out another trembling breath.

"There you go," He encourages, and now I feel his fingertips on my cheek as my senses come back to me.

I hear another voice to his right, and I avert my gaze, only to be met with the still spinning world and the strong urge to hurl again.

"No, just look at me," his fingertips gently guide me back to his direction, and I finally can make out some of his facial features.
His strong jaw and his hooked nose meet me first.
And then his eyes.
His eyes bring me back home: back to where there is no need to panic.

His forehead touches mine and I feel him also relax.
"I love you." He mumbles, his lips replacing his forehead on mine, placing a kiss between my eyebrows. He gently pulls his face away, and I feel as if the world is moving in slow motion.

"Welcome back, Tris," I quiet female voice comes from next to Tobias, and I finally am able to focus on Dr. Scott.

I try to speak, but my voice doesn't escape my mouth. I cough, then try again, but still with little success.

The world moves in slow motion, and I'm unsure if I black out again or not.
I keep my grip on Tobias's hand. No matter how distant his voice gets at times, I physically want to know that he is not leaving my side.

"What- time—" my voice is barely a whisper when I look to Tobias.

"It's approximately five thirteen in the morning, the day after Thomas's third birthday."

Five thirteen.

Thomas's third birthday was yesterday.

I nod, not having the functionality to think more on dates or time.

I focus back to my toes, moving them slowly, each set on each foot.
My leg isn't swollen anymore.

"That's good that your toes are working!" Dr. Scott smiles at me, her eyes kind.

My leg isn't swollen anymore.
The last thing I remember was it being so swollen I couldn't even see my toes.

"What was wrong?" My voice is a little sturdier, but still barely mine.

"Well, a little over a month ago your body rejected the new stitches that we tried. It was a serious rejection, and it has forced the trial into a new direction, because you were the first one to have that reaction from them."

I don't care about the stitches, so I tune her out as she talks science.

"I can move my toes," I interrupt her, my voice stronger than the previous statement. "Why?"

"Does it hurt?" Tobias looks at me and I shake my head no.

For once, nothing hurts.

"You are a miracle," I see the doctor shaking her head. "We removed a lot of muscle tissue from your leg, Tris. A lot of the damaged pieces became no longer repairable after the rejection, and it had to be removed because your body was continuing to reject the tissue that the stitches touched. You still have enough muscle tissue to do your usual functions, but it will take some getting use to and you are going to have to be careful. There is less tissue protecting the bone now, so you're at a higher risk of a break, or more serious injury because of that."

"It's okay?"

"You could get up and walk now, if your body could handle it. We put you in a medically induced coma for a while, not only to give your leg a serious chance to heal, but also to help you with the oxycodone. That's why you're shaking so bad, and probably the dizziness, but that also could be the medication that we had you on to keep you asleep."

"That medication never works with genetic purity."

"You were in rough shape, Tris. Your body cooperated with it and let it work for over a month before resisting it. That's probably also why you woke up so abruptly."

I look between the doctor and Tobias a few times before the room starts spinning again. I press my head back into the pillow, wishing the world would stay still so I could ask more questions.

"How long will this go on?" I hear Tobias ask.

"It depends if it's the coma medication or the oxycodone."

"Which one do we want it to be?" He asks.

"The coma medication."

"And chances are it's the oxycodone, or lack of it?"

"You got it." Her voice is low, and sounds disappointed.

"Thomas turned three yesterday?" Looking at Tobias is like target practice, and I'm sure my eyes are not meeting his.

"He did. All he asked for was for mommy to wake up. Well, that and a big cake." He chuckles. "I promised him the cake, but I'm glad he got his second gift better late than never." His thumb moves across my knuckles.

I move back to my toes again, wiggling them to be sure they're still there and functional.

"How?" I look to the doctor again, and she smiles.

"The only reason we have never had to amputate is because none of your injuries have hit bone, Tris. Believe it or not, there's still a lot of healthy leg in there, and all of those bullets or even the knife never injured the bone. Like I said, you're a miracle. I really thought somehow this rejection was gonna be it, I really thought that this was the event that was going to take the bone with it, but it has been stable and accepting for three weeks now."

We all are quiet for a moment, and Marie continues.
"We've gotten you down to a low dose of oxycodone. Much lower than we had anticipated by this point, which is excellent. You are experiencing symptoms from the lower dose, but it is perfectly normal and safe. That IV in your hand is fluids. We only push your oxycodone twice a day now, so don't go ripping that out because I will put it in your foot again."

I nod, but know I can't promise that I won't take it out in panic.

I sit, moving my toes and focusing on objects to keep the room from turning into a crashing ocean.
I still feel like I could be in a dream; like this all could be swept out from under me any second now.
I decide against questioning it.
If this is a dream, I sure as hell am going to enjoy every second of it that I can.

"The last thing I said," I look to Tobias. "Was telling you something was wrong. How long ago was that?"

"Nearing six weeks now," He responds.

I shake my head in disbelief.
How.

"Can I see Thomas?" My heart aches to see my son, knowing that I not only missed his birthday, but was away from him long before these six weeks.

"He's not here right now. Tris, I don't know if that's the best idea right—"

"Tobias, I want to see him." My voice is finally to the strength that I would like.

"I know, I know," he sounds defeated. "And you will, okay? You have randomly blacked out a few times since you woke up, you know that right?"

I look at him, unsure of what he means.
Voices got distant, but I don't remember ever passing out.

"I just don't know how to explain everything to him right now, Tris. Especially if you black out when he's here. Tomorrow, if things go well today, I'll bring him, okay?"

I nod, knowing what he means now as I close my eyes for a moment.

When I open them again, he is in the same position, smiling a small smile at me.
And I look down and move my toes.

"Is my brain short-circuiting?" My voice is small.
I remember this happening before at some point. I would do the same action over and over again, and not realize it was something I was doing after each time I would pass out.

He nods, and I sigh.

"You use to always say 'please, no' and freak out before you would pass out eight years ago, right after you were rescued."

"I don't remember that."

"Exactly."

"So that's proof of the oxycodone, somehow?"

"Yeah, but let's not worry about that." He smiles, pressing his cheek against mine. His warmth gives me goosebumps, and I press myself to him.

It's nice to be back, even if it is periodically.