Chapter 25

--Tris

The past week was the hardest week that I have had in a while. Other than brief naps, I never slept and stayed awake all night. Any time Tobias did convince me to lay down with him and I allowed myself to doze, without fail I would wake up an hour later in a cold sweat.

It's the image of Tom running down to Tobias's office that keeps me awake. In the nightmare, Jacob is standing down the hallway, gun extended, and he fires into my son's head. Although the event did not play out like that, my brain cannot seem to shake the idea that it could have happened.

Between my nightmares and the looming anxiety that I have over the trial for all of this starting next week, I don't stand a chance at beating my insomnia to sleep.

There's a good chance that this could not turn out well for me considering the city's suspicions and dislike of me. Also, there is the added fact that my lawyer, psychologists and I decided it was the best move for me to leave my file open.

Everyone who was rescued did not have much struggle to close their case files within a year or two after we all returned home. However, I was a different story with my different experiences with New York, my ties to the Bureau, as well as the contributions I made to my case as a sixteen year old divergent rebel. When a file is open it is considered active. It sits in a pile somewhere in Candor where as often as officials like they can fish through it. If one day they notice something that they never noticed before or never seemed suspicious until that moment, they are able to arrest me as soon as possible. This also ties into the papers I signed agreeing to never hold a leadership position, be an initiation instructor, come and go from the city without authorized approval, and many other conditions.

Those papers I signed have been amended a few times over the years, but they were forced to reevaluate them after the New York invasion that people think I potentially caused four years ago. I don't blame people for being worrisome of me after that, nor do I blame the city for making me agree to more conditions after that. It's an ultimatum I would never consider not making, because it allows me to live with my family in the faction I love.

If I chose to close my case, I would have to go through an intense trial and try to bring up absolutely everything I possibly remember under truth serum, most likely be arrested by candor during the duration of the trial, and chances are since I am my one and only alibi, it would not turn out well for me. My therapist also helped me realize that trying to close my file would be the last straw for my mental health. As I've experienced from just getting to this position of being in probation, I am finally in a better mental place from those trials years ago. I didn't want to accept that going through a trial was something I couldn't handle-- I saw it as a weakness for the longest time. However, leaving my case open was a decision I needed to make for myself. It comes with the many costs of the ability to be arrested basically whenever, and the anxiety that every day someone is looking though my case, inspecting every word; every sentence, and if they see something that doesn't add up it can be over for me. But, it allows me to live with my family, work in my faction, and mentally recover from all I've been through.

It's been the best option for me, up until now. I'm just really hoping that this doesn't make me regret my decision.

Candor had reached out to me last week sometime and said that they are anticipating Jacob's trial to start next week. His trial is high on their priority list, but there is a chance that they might push the trial an additional week if they are unable to gather enough information before then, or if the Mentally Impaired Unit over at Erudite decides that he is not ready to be put on trial.

I constantly am finding myself jealous of the people who get to be tried in the new court system Candor has. No, it isn't a bad thing, I just wish that things were they way they are now during the peak of my trial. Yeah, I'm envious that it took West's murder for things to be put right in that faction, but I guess some things are better late than never.

Other than the trial supposedly starting next week, visiting week is also suppose to be the week following that, and in three weeks there will be a new initiation class starting.

Last week I had called Candor asking what to do about visiting week, and they said to call back this week to get an answer. Trials as big as this one typically are longer than a week, and since most of the ambassadors are going to be expected to present themselves at the trial for questioning, I don't know if I should bump the date, or with everything going on just postpone it indefinitely.

As much as it is my decision to make, I don't really feel that it is my call. Candor are the ones in charge of the trial, and they also tend to have the biggest influence on the press with their opinions. I do feel that since West's murder, my relationship with their faction has improved, but it still is very fragile. I am unsure of what is the better option when it comes to cancelling or continuing as planned for visiting week, but I think picking the option that they prefer might make my life easier by keeping them happy with me.

Like I said, they do have the power to arrest me whenever they feel fit, so although I hate listening and taking other people's opinions into account, especially when it comes to things like visiting week, I do need to keep in mind that this trial very well could turn on me. If having one thing on my side, such as a simple 'oh she listened to our opinion', I'll take it. One thing I have learned with age is that sometimes it is okay to seem vulnerable to other people, as long as I know deep down that it is just a front stage personality that I am putting on.

I sigh, leaning back in my desk chair and holding my head in my hands.
There's just too much going on inside there right now, and the concussion I definitely have is not helping anything.
Josh told me to take more than a day off, but that just isn't how I work. My coping strategy is to keep working, and it's what has helped me deal with my PTSD in the past. It's why I love my job— I'm literally always busy, and when I'm not busy working I'm busy with my family.

Might as well get this over with.
I pick up the phone and dial the number of the contact I spoke with at Candor the other day. The phone rings a few times and a female voice picks up.
"Hello, trial and judgement headquarters this is Darla speaking how can I help you?"
"Hi Darla, this is Tris Eaton head faction Ambassador at Dauntless. I was told last week by Frank to call back today and I was wondering if he was available."
"Yes he is, let me pass your call."
"Great, thank you."

The phone rings a few times and a male voice picks up now.
"Candor leader Frank, how can I be of assistance?"
"Hi Frank, it's Tris Eaton head faction Ambassador at Dauntless, we talked last week."
"Yes, hi Tris, how is everything going over there?"
"As good as it can, I guess. I'm down five ambassadors, three of which are never coming back, and am trying to plan a visiting week while we all get ready for this trial, but we're all coping," I laugh lightly to try and not sound like things are as stressful as they seem.
You need to not come off so harsh, Tris. You're already on rocks with this faction, remember?

"I am glad that I can say I do not feel your pain, but my dearest condolences to you and your team of ambassadors there."
"Thank you," I say solemnly.
"So I know that you have a lot on your plate, but regarding our conversation last week, I do think that it is best you continue to hold Dauntless' visiting week in two weeks at the already scheduled date."

I press my free thumb to my temple.
That's not the answer I wanted.
"Okay," I say, my head just swarming with what question I should start with.
Frank must notice my silence because he asks, "Is that alright? At the end of the day it is your decision. We just believe that it will show a better front if attention is not drawn to the trial by making a big deal and cancelling visiting week."
"Yeah I understand that and agree with it. It's just, the second week of the trial would be during our visiting week. In our call last week you said you are going to need each of us to testify in one way or another, with those of us most likely needing to be present for the duration of the trial. Are you anticipating that the trial will only be a week? Because last week it sounded like it was going to be a much bigger event."

"I'm sorry, I left out an important detail. The Mentally Impaired Unit determined that Jacob is unfit for a trial just yet and his trial's start date has been moved two weeks later. So his trial which requires your ambassadors will be the week after your visiting week now."

"Oh, I see, okay," I press my thumb harder into my temple. Initiation and Jacob's trial will start on the same day. Not that initiation affects me, it's just a mental marker for when this all is happening.
"Are you anticipating the public will not question us on the details of what happened? How can I advise my staff to go about that?" I ask.
"It would be wise to avoid speaking about the incident at all costs."
"But the public knows about it, a notice was in the paper regarding the arrest, and the obituaries of the two deceased were posted as well."
"I am advising that you make things as normal as possible. You do run things very well over at Dauntless regarding Ambassador duties, I've heard about you from my ambassadors here. Keeping things typical will draw attention away from the trial, and that includes not engaging any conversation regarding the trial. In whatever means you and your ambassadors do that, it is not my input. Any information disclosed by any ambassador can and will be used in the trial, and that has the ability to make things ugly. However, canceling visiting week may make that attention even more focused on your ambassadors and your faction regarding the trial."
"Yes, I see your point."
"At the end of the day, Tris, it is your and Josh's call. This is just my recommendation, and take what I say with a grain of salt. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting in a few minutes.
"Thank you for your time, Frank."
"Yours as well, have a good day.
"You too, bye," I say, hanging up the phone.

I sigh, leaning back in my chair, having a thumb on each temple now.
I can't even think about this today.
I just can't.

The next few hours I spend sifting through piles upon piles of paperwork, trying to find the forms that once couple signed to move from their apartment here in Dauntless to a home in the suburbs that is in Amity territory. Sometimes I laugh, knowing I am capable of doing much more than the paperwork and tracking down of paperwork that my job mainly consists of. However, I just couldn't see myself doing a more grueling job like working out at the fence or a full time trainer.

The one thing I do like is how fast my day goes. I sigh, looking at my phone and seeing it's already almost four o'clock. Although I do have a lot to do still, it's only Tuesday and I told Rose I was going to stop by her place to talk after the work day.
I'm worried about Chris, and I know she is too.

So I leave my office, locking the door behind me and exiting the main building. Rose doesn't live in the direction of my apartment, so I take a right out of the door, heading towards the training room and to the apartments on that side of the compound.

I can't help but slow my pace as I pass the training room, listening to what class might be going on inside and what activities they might be doing. I jump automatically when I hear guns begin to fire.

My first instinct is to run as fast as my feet will carry me towards Rose's place. Guns have hurt me many times in the past, as well as those that I love.
However, guns are a fear I need to conquer. I don't need to go into my fear landscape to know that they are in there somewhere, maybe in more than one context.
So I stand for a moment, the thick doors and stone walls between the guns and myself. Someone could burst out of those doors and hold the gun at me, but chances are that they won't.

A larger group of people turn down the hallway and suddenly I realize how weird I must look standing aimlessly in the hallway. I turn and continue on my route for Rose's, taking note of my pace and not allowing myself to bolt away from the sounds of gunfire.
Baby steps, Tris. Just keep taking baby steps.

I reach Rose's apartment and knock twice before entering— a typical Dauntless custom.
"Hey! I'll be out in a minute!" I hear Rose call from the bathroom.

"Okay! Hi Charley," I squat down to her daughter's level. It always makes me laugh at how shy she is compared to her mother and aunt. Hell, her father didn't seem like to shy of a man when I met him either.
"Hi!" She finally says, and I am taken aback at the fact that she did say hello to me.

"What are you playing with?" I ask, taking a seat on the floor next to her. The creatures look like horses, but they are pastel colors and have wings like birds.

"Ponies!" She squeals, making the horse flap its wings as she shakes it in the air.

"I must say," I begin, picking up one of the colorful animals and shaking it to make its wings flutter, "These are much prettier than the cars Thomas plays with."
"Pretty!" Charley repeats, standing up and running around, flapping the winged horse in the air.

"Hey," Rose says as she emerges from the bathroom, still drying her hair with a towel. "Sorry, time got away from me. I just picked Charley up from my mom's an hour ago and I just had to shower to get that hospital stretch off of me."
"Don't worry about it, I know the feeling. Charley was showing me her pretty ponies she has here."

"Those were mine when I was a kid," Rose laughs. "Mom found them somewhere and pulled them out for her and if you couldn't tell she's absolutely obsessed with them."
"I've never seen horses with wings before."
"Fucking Abnegation," Rose chuckles, shaking her head at me. "They're called a Pegasus. They're a fictional species of horse that can fly and have magical powers. There's a lot of children's books with them in it."
"Then what is this one?" I ask, holding up another horse, but instead of wings this one has a long horn coming out of its head just below its ears.
"That's a unicorn. It can't fly, it's just got powers. Again, fictional species and in a lot of stories. You have a little kid, how don't you know this?"
"I'm a boy mom. I'm fluent in dump trucks, race cars and motorcycles," I laugh.
"Valid point."

"How's Sarah?" I ask, the image of my fellow ambassador and friend laying on the floor with a bullet wound flashing in my mind. Her cries, her blood on my hands— snap out of it, Tris.

"She's hanging in there. Her doctors are thinking she might be able to come home in a few days. I told her she's staying with me or Charley and I are moving in with her for at least a week when she's released from the hospital."
"That's good. I would've asked her to come stay with us if you didn't take her in."

"I'm just so glad she's okay," Rose sighs, running her hand through her damp hair. "She's by best friend. I don't know what I'd do without her."

"I feel the same way about your sister right now," I say and immediately regret it. Yes, I did come here to talk about Christina, but I didn't mean for the topic to come up so harshly.

Rose sighs and I bite my cheek, an apology for what I just said almost bubbling out of my lips.

"Me too," she says, her voice small. "I just don't know who she is anymore."

"The other day," I begin, wondering if I should back out of telling Rose this or not. I decide she deserves to know. "At Tom's birthday party actually, Chris came up to me. She was acting really weird, like, weirder than she's been yet. She was really upset at me, saying that she couldn't believe I didn't tell her that you were pregnant."
Rose frowns at me, her dark eyebrows lowering on her forehead.
"I was so confused. First off I wanted to call her a hypocrite since she didn't tell any of us she was pregnant right now. But I ended up saying something like 'I thought we were over this' because like it's been over three years now. Either her bringing this up is completely insane, or you're pregnant again and didn't tell me," I laugh at the end, trying to make light of the eerie conversation.

"That's just—," she stops mid sentence, clearly not sure of what to say. "What the fuck?"
"I take it you're not pregnant?"
"No!" She shakes her head.
"I just don't get it. Like, the look in her eyes, the anger; I felt like she was going to punch me the same way she did three plus years ago. It felt like so déjà vu, Rose. Her response to me asking why she wasn't over it was something along the lines of, 'how could she be over it when it happened not long ago' or something like that. Like is she in a time warp or something?"

"She's always been one to hold a grudge..."
"This seems like more than that though," I cut Rose off.
We sit quiet for a second, both clearly blank with thought. She's loosing her sister, I'm loosing the closest thing I've ever had to a sister, and neither of us know what the hell to do.

"Oh my god," Rose breaks the silence with a gasp, her hand flying to her mouth.

"What?"
Rose stays quiet, her hand staying put on her mouth.
"Rose, tell me!"
"The other day," she begins, taking a deep breath, shaking her head. "God, I thought she was kidding. I was at her place, I don't remember why I was there, but the girls were playing, and she came up to me. She seemed like her old self, just happy to be hanging out with me, gossiping, just like when we were teenagers. Out of no where she started asking me what I thought of Dauntless. I was just like 'oh yeah it's great,' you know I like my job, I like my place, I like my friends, I love my daughter— everything is great. Then she was like 'well you should consider transferring here. Initiation isn't as bad as it was when I did it, and I'd love to have you closer.' And I just assumed she was joking, because, like, I've been here for over four years now! What else would she mean it as other than a joke?! Now that you said that though, her look was exactly the same when she talked me into beginning the transfer process five years ago. And the second I called her out on how she must've been joking, she snapped back to her current, always angry self. It was like a light switch."

I feel the color flush from my face.

"Is it a sim or something?" I ask, barely hearing my own voice.
"Or is she sick? I know meningitis can cause brain fog and weird shit like that."
"Or is it like a personality disorder, or memory loss or something?"

"Is she even pregnant right now, or is this her brain taking her back to when she was pregnant with Layla?"
"No," Rose shakes her head at my pregnancy comment. "Her bump is legit, and so are the ultrasound pictures I saw the other day when I was there."
"At least she hasn't completely lost it there," I sigh.

"Oh god," Rose cries, her head falling into her hands. "I just don't know where to start. She won't listen to anyone who tries to help her. I just want to kick her in the head to the point she passes out so she has a reason to go to the hospital. If she wasn't pregnant, I probably wouldn't hesitate to do so! Is that bad?"
"I feel the same way," I say, shaking my head.

We sit in silence for a while. I feel terrible for throwing this on Rose while she's already been so upset over Sarah in the hospital and everything that happened last week. I just have this gut feeling though that Christina is a ticking time bomb, and if we don't act soon we might loose her.
The thought brings tears to my eyes.
I know she hasn't been the best friend these past few years, especially the past year, but the girl who sat on the foot of my hospital bed and talked to me for hours on end is still in there somewhere. The girl who taught me what having a sister would be like, who showed me how to wear make up, and how to feel beautiful when not wearing it— she's still in there. I refuse to believe she's gone.

"We've got to do something," I say, "I don't know what, but you, Will, Shauna, Cara, and I have to figure something out. We've been watching her fade for too long, and I don't know about you, but this is the last straw for me."

.

Sorry if this chapter is all over the place! It was written a paragraph here and a section there, but I do think that it does make sense all together, but sorry if it doesn't!

Again, thank you for sticking around, and sorry for the inconsistency in updates! Not that I want to give excuses, but I'm working a desk job this summer where I am at a computer screen all day, and even when I want to write it is soooo hard to choose to sit in front of a computer once I am home for the day.

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