Chapter 23

—Tris

"There's the birthday boy!" George says as he and Amar enter our apartment. Today is Tom's fourth birthday, and I officially feel old.
I literally can't believe he's four.
Just like his dad. I chuckle to myself.

Tonight all of our dauntless family is coming over for cake and gifts to celebrate, and as usual Amar and George are early.
I hear Tom giggling in the other room and turn to see him upside down, hanging over Amar's shoulder as Indy circles them, his tail wagging as if he is laughing too.

"I can't believe he's four already, Tobias," I comment when he enters the kitchen, shaking my head.

"I can't believe you're making me share this cake with everyone tonight," he smirks, shaking his head as well.
"I thought about bringing a ton of flour and stuff to make cookies, you know, like we did the night you were in labor. It was poor planning though, so maybe next year," George jokes, sending my mind for a loop remembering how much fun we had despite my pain that night.

"My midwife ended up taking some cookies because we had made so many!" I laugh, Amar chiming in how brutally he beat everyone in whatever card game we were playing while the cookies baked.

"It was such a heatwave that weekend too," Tobias adds and I begin to feel heat behind my eyes.

You are not gonna sulk about the fact that you're not pregnant right now, Tris. Cut it out.

A knock on the door interrupts us as Zeke, Shauna their twins, and Lynn enter, wishing Tom a loud happy birthday as they do so. Tom beams, hugging both Shauna and Zeke before Lynn steals him, spinning her around in her arms and walking around with him on her hip.
I never took her as someone who would be so good with kids, but she really is. I mean, as long as you don't mind that your kid will be exposed to a large vocabulary of curse words when around her, yeah, she's good with kids.

"Hey!" Will comes up to me and I smile, accepting his hug. "I tried to find One to wish him a happy birthday but I can't find him!" He laughs.
"Lynn kidnapped him, they're over in the living room somewhere. Did Chris come?"
"Yeah, her and rose are talking to Shauna."

My mind travels back to a few days ago when I questioned Christina's pregnancy to him.
"What the—" he runs his hands through his blonde hair. "She didn't tell you? Oh my god, Tris I feel so bad," he says, dragging out the 'so' when he says it.

"Yeah all of a sudden she just has a bump and Shauna and I were like what the hell."
"She told me she told you both, so I just didn't think anything of it. I figured you knew, because she said she told you! Why would she lie about that? I'm so sorry—"
"Don't apologize, Will! I don't know why she lied to you about telling us either. I'm really worried about her."
"I've been trying to get her to go to therapy but she refuses. I don't know what I can do, and I love her, so I don't want to tell her what to do, but at the same time—"
"I get it, I'm stubborn like her too," I cut off his rambling.
I want to question him more, and ask why the hell he would get her pregnant if he agreed that she is not in a good headspace, but I decide against it.
It's none of my business.
But at the same time, they're my best friends, and I care about them like I do my family.
I just hope they know what they're doing.

"Hi!" Rose says, coming over with Christina to greet me. Christina seems distant, but hugs me in greeting anyways.
"Where are the girls?" I ask, referring to their daughters Charley and Layla.

"Somewhere over there playing probably," Chris motions to the living room where everyone has congregated. 

There's an awkward silence between us and I can't decide if I should excuse myself or make more conversation.

"How are you doing? How far along are you?" I ask Christina, ignoring the fact that she herself never told me she was pregnant. 

"I'm doing alright, finally stopped vomiting every day. I'm about three months along now."

"That's exciting!" I try my best to hide my jealousy, as well as my concern for her mental state, and my burning desire to ask her why she told Will that the told me was pregnant but then never proceeded to actually tell me. 

Somehow Marlene and Uriah got into the apartment without me noticing, and I excuse myself from this awkward conversation to go greet them.

"So whose getting the title of Four, Four? Gonna give it up for your son, or share it? We all know you're not good at sharing so--"

"He's One, I'm Four. I don't see your confusion Uriah."

"Yeah but now he's four years old."

"But he was three yesterday and everyone still called him One. His nickname isn't changing every year."

"Struggling with numbers again, Uri?" I chime into their conversation, wrapping my arms around Tobias as Uriah tries to say something defensive but his words fail him.

"Uriah, you make the same joke every year at this kid's birthday, and it was hardly funny the first time you did it," Lynn calls him out.

"This has to be a record for the amount of people we've packed in this apartment," I comment, noticing that some ambassadors as well as leaders have shown up. 

"Yeah," Tobias scoffs, "More people I have to share cake with." 

"Oh stop," I laugh, hitting his arm. 

After everyone hangs out for a little bit, we all gather around the table and light a candle on the cake to sing to Thomas. I don't know why I have to blink away the burning behind my eyes again, and why this birthday is making me so emotional.

I absolutely hated being in the hospital and missing Tom's third birthday last year-- it nearly killed me. 

It almost kills me to think how far we've come as a family this past year. Looking back, it feels like it has been five years, but thirty seconds, all at the same time. 

Thomas totally crashes in Tobias's arms about an hour after we eat cake. Many of our friends are still here, but the crowd is about half the size that it was before. It is a Thursday night after all, and most of us have to work in the morning.

I take a seat at the kitchen table, taking a much needed drink of water. 

"I can't believe you didn't tell me about Rose," Christina says next to me and I choke on my water, not realizing she was there.

"What do you mean?" I proceed cautiously, not entirely sure what she's talking about.

She rolls her eyes at me, acting like she is going to stand and walk away, but then decides against it and continues sitting. 

"You knew she was pregnant, and you didn't tell me. I thought we were best friends, Tris. I thought we told each other everything."

My first instinct is to call her a hypocrite, looking at the current scenario now of her not telling me that she herself is pregnant. But then I look at her eyes and realize she is giving me the same look she did when we had this conversation three years ago.

Three years ago. 

"Chris, I thought we were over this?" I place my words carefully, as if I am diffusing a bomb, and if my finger slips I could destroy the entire compound. 

"Over it?" her jaw drops. "Over it? Tris how could we be over this when it just happened?" This time she does get up and leave the table, and I am left scratching my head.

Did I miss something with Rose, or was that conversation as weird as I think it was?

I decide to push was just happened out of my head and just enjoy the last few minutes with my friends before they leave. In the living room there is a full out battle going on over a children's board game that Uriah and Zeke pulled out. The board has pictures of candy all over it, and maybe if I wasn't born abnegation I would recognize it. 

"How the hell could he of cheated? It's literally a game of chance, we shuffled the cards!" Lynn argues.

"That's what I'm saying! He shuffled the cards, and now suddenly he beats all of us!" Uri argues, motioning to Zeke.

"Or maybe its because he has practice, because unlike us he has kids to play kids games with!" Lynn yells back at him.

"It's a game of chance!" Uriah mocks what she just said. 

They continue to bicker for a while before everyone decides its time to leave. I can't help but laugh at the fact that Thomas slept through their entire argument while in Tobias's arms. 

Tobias goes to lay down Thomas in his bed while I begin cleaning up the cups and plates that litter the apartment.

"Hey, leave it," I say to Indy as he eyes a plate with some cake still on it within his reach.

"Good boy," I pat his head, picking up the plate. 

I find myself lost in the lulling task of cleaning, but at the same time I am trapped in my head that is swimming with thoughts. Without even thinking about it, the heat that I have been fighting in my eyes all night finally spills over. 

I'm still grieving the birthday I missed last year due to a drug addiction I was forced to have. 

I'm worried about my best friend. Something is wrong with her, and the one person who I need on my side to help her won't put his foot down enough to care for his wife.

I feel like I can't do anything because I'm too worried that if I try it will result in her spiraling, just like she did in the past. 

My baby is growing up and I don't want him to. 

I worry that he is the only child we will watch grow up, which it's stupid that its a concern of mine considering I'm only 28. 

Tobias notices me sitting on the couch and comes over, kneeling in front of my knees, resting his chin and hands on my knees. 

"Talk to me."

I open my mouth to say something, anything, but all that comes out is an uncontrolled sob. 

He knows all of my concerns. I'm confident he knows what I'm crying about. At the same time, I hardly know what I'm crying about, and I know I should pull it together and stop, but something isn't letting me. 

"You need to not stress yourself out so much, Beatrice."

"You say it like I'm choosing to stress myself out or something," I remark, and I immediately wish I wasn't so mean about it. 

He sighs, coming up onto the couch and sitting next to me. 

"Some things are going to be out of your control. And I know you're stubborn and struggle with accepting that, but the quicker you accept it the more you will be able to enjoy the present."

"I know," I say, pushing tears out of my eyes with the back of my hands. I hate when he talks down to me like this. I especially hate it when he is in the right while he does it. 

"I'll be completely honest and say I don't think Thomas cares that you missed his birthday last year, and it wasn't your fault that you missed it."

But it was my fault.

It was my addiction that put me in the hospital. My injury that caused the doctors in the dauntless infirmary to give me oxycodone for pain. 

"You can't help that you were kidnapped and tortured, Tris."

How does he know my thoughts without me verbally saying them.

"You can't do anything about Chris."

But I could if I wasn't alone in helping her.

"She isn't your responsibility, and don't you dare try to justify yourself in thinking that she is because she's your friend. For a friend, Tris, she has treated you like shit the past few years." 

I bring my eyes to his, knowing that I always can rely on loosing myself in his dark blue eyes. 

"Did I miss anything?" he jokes, "Oh, yeah, Thomas is always going to be getting older, and I'll agree with you on that one yeah that fucking sucks."

"It's not funny," I say, still upset over everything. The fact that he can read my mind doesn't make my anxieties any less severe. 

"Let's go to bed, we both have to work in the morning."

I nod, standing up and retrieving my water glass from the kitchen, then closing our bedroom door shut behind us. 

Sitting down on the bed, I begin to feel dizzy and nauseous. I lay back, pressing my spine into the mattress as I try to convince myself that I'm not going to puke. 

"Are you alright?" Tobias asks, sitting down next to me and running a hand through my hair. 

"Yeah, I just got really nauseous," I sigh, contemplating sitting up, but the world spins around me when I try. 

"I didn't mean to be insensitive, I just hate how your anxiety focuses on things that are out of your control and--"

"Tobias, stop."

"Okay," he says, continuing to sit next to me, running his hand over my hair as I feel my stomach begin to settle down. 

I sit up slowly, still mentally pleading myself not to puke.

"Better?" Tobias asks.

"Yeah, that was weird." 

I change into pajamas and get back in bed, curling into Tobias's side, knowing that neither of us will fall asleep for a while. 

+   +   +

The next day is the same as any other Friday-- boring with the anticipation of getting to sleep in tomorrow. We all go down to the Main Building as a family to work today. I am prepping for Visiting Week which is in a few weeks, and Tobias has normal leader things to do like he does every day.

Since most of the ambassadors are part time, most of them choose to not work Fridays. I notice two of the three Jacobs with their office doors open, as well as Alex and Sarah's doors.

Tom decided to hang out with me this morning and sits on the ground playing with a car as I make some phone calls over to abnegation.

I cannot stand dealing with the head ambassador over there. He is the man that took my father's place when he retired and god is he an asshole. All I do is call requesting paperwork for someone who is moving into dauntless housing and he always feels the need to pick an argument and attack me for something. 

I don't know how they run things over there, but I get to leave for the day once all of my work is finished here. Maybe he has a set time and is looking to kill some of it, but I on the other hand would rather spend that time at home with my son and not in this office. 

"Can I go see daddy?" Tom asks me once I am off the phone with the idiot. 

"Let me ask him," I say, pulling out my phone to text Tobias. He responds right away saying yes, and Thomas trots out the door and down the hall to his office. Tobias texts me telling me that he got there, knowing that I naturally worry about everything. 

I sigh as I stand up to shut the door, my stomach growing nauseous again like it did last night. I must have picked up a bug or ate something bad. My anxiety doesn't usually make me nauseous, and when it does it's not usually this severe. 

There's nothing I can do about it, so I decide to keep working and call up the Erudite head ambassador, knowing I need some papers from them over there as well.

Unlike the abnegation ambassador, I enjoy working with the ambassador at Erudite. Her and I are around the same age, and are also the only females on the board of ambassadors. It's nice to have someone on my side when attending those meetings every four months of all the old men mansplaining things to us as if were the stupid ones. 

A tapping on the door stops me from making the call and in peeks Sarah.

"Hey, I just wanted to let you know I'm heading out, I came in early today."

"Okay, have a good weekend!"

"You too!"

Sarah shuts the door and I resume calling over to Erudite. The ambassador picks up the phone and we chat for a little while, laughing when we realize that we both just got off the phone with the asshole over at abnegation, and how he was in just as pleasant of a mood as ever today.

I jump when I hear a loud noise not very far outside of my shut office door.

"Hey, I've got to call you back," I say, hanging up the phone before she can even say anything. 

The sound goes off again and I can confidently say that it was a gunshot this time. 

Part of my mind screams to lock the door and hide. I could be safe in here, and whoever is down there might not even know that I am here. The other half of my mind screams, knowing that my husband and son are just down the hall and whoever has the gun could go there next. 

I'm just realizing that I have no weapons in this office. 

A third gunshot goes off in the hallway and my head begins to spin. Without much thought, I slowly turn the knob of my door, hoping it doesn't decide to squeak today of all days.

A fourth gunshot goes off and I confidently open the door, finding myself eye to eye with one of the Jacobs, a pistol in his hand. 

"Jacob, put the gun down," I say, thankful that my voice comes out strong and not shaky.

I try to get to know each of the ambassadors, but some of them are more closed off than others. This Jacob was one of those, although I do remember overhearing a conversation involving him saying that he would never hurt a woman. 

Now the question is if I am willing to test that theory or not. 

"Put the gun down, Jacob."

What is your plan Tris.

He puts the gun down, you go and grab it. 

You can't shoot it, your mind won't let you. 

He holds the gun at you, you duck back in the office and lock the door.

He lunges at you, well, you've taken down bigger men before. 

He starts walking closer to me, slowly, and I feel my pulse in my entire body as I feel my adrenaline beginning to flow. 

Once he gets closer, he throws the gun at me and I duck just in time. However, the distraction gives him time to make it all the way to me. He elbows my head into the wall and I see stars. I go for his neck and the back of his knee at the same time, throwing him on his shoulder blades and the force knocking the wind out of him. 

I'm too panicked to call for help. He's already beginning to stand, coughing as he struggles to breathe as I dive for the gun. 

"Get on the ground."

"Why haven't you called for your husband yet? Have something to prove?" he sneers, blood coming from his lip.

"Get on the ground." I click a bullet into the chamber; something I have not done since I was sixteen. 

He continues to stand there, the trail of blood now going down his neck. 

Will you actually be able to pull the trigger, Tris?

"I'm not going to say it again," I say, taking a step closer to him. 

I am amazed by my confidence with holding the gun. I feel like I am shaking, but as I look down the barrel my hands are steady as I wonder if I would be able to live with myself if I shot this guy, even if it was just in the arm or leg.

He finally obliges, one knee touching the ground then the other. For a moment I fear that he is going to pull out a second gun or something, but instead tears fall down his cheeks.

"Tobias!" I finally bring myself to start screaming. "Josh! Anyone who's here!" 

"I should have taken my meds," Jacob is sobbing, shaking his head. 

"Tobias!" I scream even louder, my throat burning as my world is already spinning from being nauseous, and now the blow to my head as well. 

I hear Tobias's footsteps and I say a silent prayer that he let Thomas in his office. I flinch when I hear his gun click, his footsteps steady as he comes up next to me.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Jacob seems manic as he sobs, shaking his head violently.

"Are you armed?" Tobias's voice is stern and makes me flinch when he talks. He continues to creep closer to the man.

"Are you armed?" he repeats, even louder than before, this time making Jacob jump.

"No, she has my gun, that's all I brought. There's a knife in my office," he nods to me about the gun. 

"What the hell is going on?" Josh comes over now, his gun also at the ready.

"We need reinforcements," Tobias says, keeping his gun trained on Jacob.

"Who did you hurt?" I am amazed by the scream that comes from my mouth. I start shaking so bad that I drop the gun, shaking my hands and noticing three bodies on the ground. One of them is moving.

I hear Josh making a call, knowing that in just a minute this place will be swarmed with dauntless soldiers.

"I should've taken my meds," Jacob keeps violently shaking his head. 

"Stand up," Tobias directs him and he cooperates, standing and walking with his hands on his head down the hallway. 

I want to ask Tobias about Thomas and where he is, but I know not disclosing wherever he is is not the smartest idea right now. 

Instead I rush to the bodies on the ground, recognizing them all as ambassadors.

Sarah, another Jacob, and Alex. Jacob has no pulse, Alex's pulse is faint, and Sarah is awake, tears in her eyes as she bleeds from her shoulder. 

I sit with the two of them, holding their hands, wishing I had something to say. 

Who else was here?

My world is already spinning, and trying to think on top of that as well as the smell of blood filling my nose makes me unable to function. 

I hear screaming in the main room, then soldiers come down to us in the hallway. 

"They need a medic!" I say, wishing my voice was stronger. 

"We have four in the hallway, three shot, one dead in an office, one of the soldiers says into his radio on his shoulder. 

One dead in an office.

All of the Jacobs were here.

Two of them are dead. 

One of the soldiers tries to help me stand and a sound even I am unsure of leaves my mouth as I push them away, lacing my fingers in my hair as I begin to panic. 

I might be screaming, my throat feels like I might be, but I can't hear anything over the ringing in my ears. The soldier gives up, letting me sit there as they carry Sarah and Alex in stretchers and put the two bodies in bags. I see Tobias pushing his way through soldiers to get to me, panic in his eyes.

"You're hurt," he lightly touches where there must be a bruise forming where Jacob hit me. 

"Where's Thomas?" I barely am able to get out the words.

"I locked him in the closet in my office," his voice is strained, and I can tell he's on the verge of panic too.

With his past of his father locking in the closet, I know that couldn't have been an easy decision for him to make.

"I can hear him screaming, and I can't get in because the soldiers are dealing with that guy out there right now," his voice cracks and I grab his arm, holding it tight to me. 

"He's okay," I say.

"I locked him in the closet, Tris," his voice is wavering.

"To save him from a fucking lunatic with a gun." 

"I need you both to clear this area," a soldier calls to us from the end of the hall.

Tobias stands up, and I go to follow him but fail miserably, falling on the ground as my head pounds.

"I'm picking you up," he says and I feel my weight being lifted off the ground. 

"Is she okay, does she need medical assistance?" the soldier asks.

"She's my wife, and she got hit in the head, but she's okay."

The way he says my wife makes my heart flutter as if we haven't been married for five years now. Tobias knows I do not want to be sent to the infirmary after the terrible experience I had there over a year ago, but I wouldn't be surprised if he takes me over to Erudite Med on his own. 

I keep my head tucked on his chest, not wanting to look around at whoever is in the Main Building right now. 

"Is she alright?" I recognize Zeke's voice right away.

"He hit her good on the head, but I think she's okay. I just didn't want them bitching if she wasn't moving fast enough for their liking. Can you unlock the door please?" he says and  I hear keys jingling. 

I also hear my son screaming and my whole body tenses. 

The door opens and we go in. Tobias sets me down in his desk chair, then rushes over to the little closet and opens the door. Thomas runs out sobbing, and Tobias scoops him up, not hiding his tears anymore.

"I am so sorry. I'm so so sorry, I love you," he holds Thomas tighter than I've ever seen, his arms shaking as he does so. 

There is a knock on the door and Tobias wipes his tears quickly while Zeke opens the door. 

"Were evacuating the area for candor to do an investigation," a soldier says, "We all need to leave asap."

"I'm assuming I can't grab anything from my office?" I say, my voice sounding distant to even me.

"I'm afraid not." 

I try standing on my own and fail miserably again.

"I'll take the little man, you help her," Zeke says and Tobias passes off Tom, coming over and helping me on my feet. 

Holding his arm like a lifeline, we slowly leave the main building and work our way through the compound and back to our apartment. 

"I would carry you," Tobias says, "But I do want to see if you're able to walk or if we need to go over to Erudite."

"I'm okay, I'm just really dizzy." 

Zeke unlocks the door and Tobias helps me to the couch. I sit, feeling what I ate for breakfast churning in my stomach and threatening to escape. 

"We could take Tom for the night, it wouldn't be a problem," Zeke offers.

"Thanks, but I think I'll just feel better knowing he's here with us," Tobias responds, walking over to me with an ice pack and placing it on my temple.

"I totally understand. Let me know if you need anything." 

I hear the front door close and Tobias goes down to put Tom down for a nap.

Feeling like I am drunk, I am able to stand on my own and stumble to the bathroom, barely making it in time before I violently puke into the toilet. 

I let myself cry, wondering if I am going to pass out as I keep hurling, unable to stop. 

I hate this. 

None of this should have happened. 

. 

You all definitely deserved this long chapter... its been six months!! Sorry I have been so busy, I hope you all are doing well and staying safe. 

Feel free to reach out if you ever need anything. My PMs are always open.

Thank you for 100k on All For You, 200k on Learning to Trust, and we are almost at 300k on The Truth After Allegiant! These are numbers I seriously thought I would never reach, yet alone I ever thought I would be thanking you all for helping me reach. Some of you are new, and some of you have been on this ride since they twice a week updates on TTAA or LTT. Some of you are crazy quarantine binge readers who made my jaw drop as you zoomed through four books in under 24 hours! Whoever you are and whatever category you fall under, thanks for being here! It means the world to me that you are here supporting my works. 

Anyways, thanks for reading! Hopefully it won't be another six months before we see each other again lmao

xoxo 

Kat