Chapter 20

— Tris

My arms burn with the familiar sting as her staff hits mine, the loud ping of metal hitting metal echoing across the vacant training room.

Just after the attack when I began training Zeke and her on the staffs we would train at this hour for the exact reason of that sound: there's no one around.

I feel myself go on autopilot; something that could be dangerous if I didn't know Chris like the back of my hand. Her and I have trained together a lot in the past. From initiation, to fighting a war together, then her helping me find how to use staffs in my own head swarmed with memory loss.

I know her movements just about as well as I know my own.

I don't think things are the same way on her point of view. But that's okay.

Yes, her and I trained together a lot, but there is a whole world of training I had without her.

She wasn't trained to watch everyone's single move to the point that you know their next move. Her life has never been at risk because of these staffs. Generally, she has been at the top of the food chain when it comes to fighting on these staffs at Chicago. Considering I would never hurt her with one, she doesn't know what a real threat is like with one of these; knowing that your opponent can and will kill you if they get the chance.

I'm glad she hasn't ever been trained in that way. No one should have to go through that. Yes, Dauntless initiation was similar, but at the same time it was not even close to the human trafficking program I was kidnapped into to be sent to New York. Dauntless initiation was competitive in the sense of a future; the sense of a seat in what your life will be like after initiation.

Being human trafficked into the New York Insemination Trials was a different kind of competition. You all had the same uncertain, dreadful future. You wanted to live to get back to the life you once had, but that meant you had to be ruthless. You fought because you were told to; because suffering and punishment were the consequences. Suicide was punishable, because they didn't want you dead.

Then those trials failed. Suddenly what was suppose to be a human trafficking program to repopulate the city of New York with viable women turned into a science experiment.

Suddenly everyone was dying. Doping every woman up on dangerous amounts of narcotics, then giving them staffs and being told to fight or else.

The staffs hitting the floor became a sign of death: another forced overdose, another woman who won't get a chance at the life she did have.

Staffs hitting the cement floor, identical to the one where I laid, my mother in a cell to the left of mine, my pregnant sister in-law to my right. Identical to the floor where I was shot in the leg several times, and where they continued to give me high doses of the narcotic up my nose with the intention for me to have withdraw the second I was rescued.

The staffs hitting the floor became an immediate sign of death to me. A person has fallen, and their attacker is looking for someone else to fall as well.

One would drop, but the others would remain. It's nearly impossible to locate an attacker in a room full of metal against metal. There was no way of finding the one who caused another to drop; the one who was looking for their next victim.

I knew where my fear and paranoia of the staffs hitting together came from now. It was less of the sound, and more of the number of people making the sound.

Now I was able to work towards moving past it.

Christina increases the speed of her offensive swings, causing my head to snap back into reality as I block her staff. I gain control of the duel, pinning her wrists, forcing her to drop her staff as it clanks to the floor.

"Nice one," she says mid yawn, bending over to pick up the staff. Looking at my watch, I notice its already nearing three in the morning.

With flashbacks and memories coming back lately, I really haven't been sleeping much. I'm fine, considering I'm use to running on no sleep. Christina, on the other hand, I'm not sure why she was willing to train at this hour, but she agreed, and I didn't ask why.

"One more round, or are you ready to head out?" I ask, knowing that if I go home I'll just work on things for visiting week, so I leave the option to continue up to her.

"I'm done," she laughs, yawning again.

We have been meeting up to train more often these past few weeks. I've been wanting to get more in shape for these classes I've been doing with Zeke and sometimes Amar, and also just spend more time with Chris. I feel it's easiest to be around her when were training because she's focused and, well, not to be cocky, but I usually have control in the sparring.

We head out, flipping off the lights as the door screams closed, making us both wince then laugh in unison.

"Has Rose said anything to you?" she asks me out of the blue, almost like she's not sure if she should bring up what she's going to bring up.

"No," I say, my eyebrows moving down.

She seems to try and shake off what she was going to say, but fails, the words coming out anyways.

"She's just dating this guy, and I really don't have a good feeling about it."

Again? How has Rose not told me? I think before I speak. I thought her and I were pretty close since everything that happened a few years ago.

"Have you talked to her about it?" I ask, Christina immediately shaking her head.

"No, she'd just get mad at me. We're too alike, her and I," she laughs, "Don't really ever understand that we're wrong till it hits us across the face."

I laugh at her metaphor, knowing that that's exactly how both her and Rose are.

"Well, I could try talking to her if you want," I suggest, trying to not be too pushy.

"Are you kidding, Tris?" she legitimately laughs, "Have you two even met since she's moved to Dauntless?"

We are quiet as we walk for a few minutes towards our apartments, I myself in utter confusion from her response.
Rose and I are coworkers, and we've been coworkers for years now. I know her pretty well. Sure, not as well as a sibling relationship maybe, but again, I don't really know what it's like to have a sister.

"I was just trying to be nice, Chris," I protect my own ass, hoping to not make her mad, "I don't really know what to tell you other than talk to her."

"I know," she sighs, "And I appreciate you caring, Tris, I really do. But she's my little sister, and I have to deal with her. Hey, I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" she says as we reach her apartment.

"Yeah, okay. See you," I say and my voice feels distant to me.

Why did that conversation seem normal on the outside, yet feel so weird?

I hold my staff a little tighter as I turn the hall and go up the next flight of stairs. One thing I don't think I ever will feel comfortable with is going around the compound at this hour on my own. Mind you, it is a lot more comforting to have my staff in hand, but still not my favorite thing to do.

Without even thinking I am looking down the hallway both ways before turning left and passing Evelyn's apartment. My footsteps echo as I walk, and I almost find the sound reassuring because I know it is just me here and no one else. Still, every few seconds I turn my head over my shoulder and check to be sure that it is in fact just me.

One last time I look down both ways of the hall before pulling my keys out of my pocket and turning my attention to the apartment door. As quietly as I can, I unlock the knob and slip inside, hoping to not wake Thomas or Tobias.

Turning around, I lock the door again now that I am inside before turning on a light and kicking off my sneakers. As cautiously as I can, I turn the knob to the coat closet and open the door, setting down the staff in the corner and holding my breath, hoping that gravity is working with me and it does not fall over and make the loudest noise on the planet.

I close the closet door and see Indy looking at me from across the room with his big brown eyes. His tail thumps on the ground as I lurk over to him and bend down, giving him a sympathy pat for waking him up.

"Hey," Tobias' voice makes me jump as I look to see him leaning on the door frame of our bedroom.

"Sorry I woke you--"

"I've been up," he cuts me off and I stand up, "Someone jumped into the chasm tonight, so its been eventful, to say the least."

"Wow," I say as he wraps his arms around me, clearly exhausted, "Its been a while since I've heard anybody say that."

"Yeah, me too," he sighs, resting his head on top of mine.

We stand together like that for a while, him probably reflecting on the idea of someone taking their life via the chasm just as much as I am.

Dauntless has come such a long way since I was sixteen and he was eighteen.

"Did you know who it was?" I finally ask.

"I knew of him, never actually met him though. I was told that he worked out at the fence, so that's going to be a large group of the compound that knew him," he says and I nod in agreement.

"Let's go get in bed," I suggest, rubbing my hand on his chest, "You're exhausted and so am I."

+ + +

Another morning, another negative pregnancy test. I sigh, throwing the piece of plastic into the trash as I go to grab my shoes and start my day. It's nearing ten and I have to get a few hours of work done down at the main building today and Josh wanted to meet with me.

Tobias also is working today, so that means that Thomas is coming with me, most likely to blow me off for Amar all day.

"Ready, Tom?" I ask my son as I open the door, saying goodbye to Indy as we leave.
Thomas is getting to the age where he does not want to listen to anything Tobias or I say. He is on his own schedule, in his own little world, and all he knows is that he doesn't like the word no.

"What did I tell you about running ahead?" I grab his arm, not roughly, but sharply enough to get my point across to him. "Stay by me until we get to the main building, Thomas."
He unhappily drags his feet the rest of the way to the main building. I don't mind, considering he stayed with me the remainder of the way, and his mood perked up immediately the second we got there.

I always enjoy seeing where Thomas chooses to go first when we get to the big room. When his father's office door is open, usually he b-lines right to him, but today his door is closed, meaning he most likely is on a call.

Knowing he is allowed to, Tom runs ahead of me to the ambassador hallway. Today he chose to go directly into Sarah's office which is an unusual choice for him.

"Good morning," I lean in the door frame to see her showing Tom a picture on her desk.

"I was wondering when you'd get here," she laughs, "It's busy down here today. Just about everyone is here except you!"

"Yeah, I've got to talk to Josh about this. We definitely need more ambassadors with taking all of this new housing on."

About a month ago all of the developments in the Suburbs were divided up between the factions. Since the housing of our compound was always taken care of by the ambassadors, this new plot of housing for over three hundred people now is on our shoulders, and there's only nine of us since Kaylee left the city.

We make small talk with Sarah for a little while before moving on to my office. I unlock the door and Thomas runs in, rolling around on the carpet like a dog.
Boys. I sigh, shaking my head and chuckling at him.

I sit down in my chair, turning on my computer and mentally preparing myself for the thousands of emails and messages from the people moving in to these new Dauntless homes.

The leaders of all the factions did this with the intention of evening out the members classified in each section of the city. Things use to be fairly balanced when the faction system was set in place, but now that people move freely about the factions, things have all been askew, especially in Dauntless' end.
Dauntless has become the smallest faction by a landslide since the war. You can blame it on a million things: we were the faction with the most casualties, even higher than Abnegation. We were the most manipulated faction during the war— a lot of people, even Dauntless members, didn't trust the Dauntless or their leadership after they were forced under a simulation and just wanted out of the faction all together, so they left to live elsewhere in the city.
Also in more recent times what it comes down to is that Dauntless isn't the nicest place to live. You can have a fancy, newly furnished apartment in Erudite for the same price as an old, good sized yet musty apartment underground in Dauntless. Considering you can live in whatever faction and choose to work in another, many Dauntless that work out at the fence just choose to live in Amity housing with their friends to make the commute easier.

All of these new developments were being handled by the Erudite and Abnegation offices, mainly because they had the most people available to do so. They dealt with the sales, the payments and all of the issues that now flood my inbox, waiting to be sent out for one of our ambassadors to deal with until I've created a pile that is manageable for myself to deal with.

"Where are you going, Tom?" I ask as he lurks towards the door. I don't mind that he comes and goes while I work, but I do like to know who he intends on bothering.

"I go see Uncle Amar!" he points towards the direction of Amar's office and I smile.

"Okay, tell him I say hi!"

"I will!" he says and runs off. A few seconds later I hear Amar talking and Thomas giggling, so I know he reached his destination.

I figure that Tom will be distracted by Amar for a while so I decide to take the opportunity to go talk to Josh and see what he wanted to talk about.

When I walk down the hall I see that Tobias' office door is still closed, but Josh's is open. I knock on the wall by the open door, his head lifting at the noise.

"Hey Tris," he smiles.

"Good morning," I respond and I enter his office, shutting the door behind myself.

"Zeke told me you have been helping him out with staff training," he says and I know he's trying to make small talk.

"Yeah, it's been nice to have an excuse to go to the training room once and a while," I smile, choosing not to get into how much of a struggle it has been with my PTSD to get to this point.

Josh knows what I've been through. He had a big part in making sure the mission to rescue myself and everyone from that torture building in the middle of nowhere. Being a leader, he sat through everyone's trials upon returning home, and I know all of my psychiatric papers are inside the Dauntless system somewhere from my time in Erudite Med. Who knows how much he has read into everything, but I'm sure he's read a lot considering he stood behind me in Ian's request for me to take his position as head Ambassador.

"I feel that it is really beneficial to the faction that we teach training on staffs, god for bid New York tries to invade again or something. So, thank you for helping Zeke out. I know it probably isn't easy for you, Josh is genuine in his response and I smile appreciatively.

It's mind boggling to go from Max as a leader to Josh. Yes, Dauntless is a completely different faction now, but Josh is just a real person, compared to the object Max was. Especially Eric.

I cringe just thinking of Eric. Forcefully, I push the idea of him out of my head, continuing my conversation with Josh.

"I'm sitting in on one of his moderately advanced classes this afternoon. I can't wait to see what he's done with them," I say, making a mental note to ask Amar if he can watch Tom for a few hours this afternoon.

He smiles approvingly, nodding his head as he moves a pile of papers on his desk from one side to the other.

"So, I'm going to cut to the chase, you need more ambassadors."

I can't stop the laugh that escapes my mouth after he says it, because it couldn't be more true.

"Yes, I do."

"I have a few people in mind. A few just completed initiation, and a few are about your age. Compared to other factions, our group of ambassadors is actually like half the size."

"I don't remember other factions having that many ambassadors at their visiting weeks," I say, knowing that if our nine ambassadors is half, Josh is saying other factions have about twenty ambassadors.

"You're wanting to hire like ten more ambassadors?" I say, hoping that isn't his plan.

"No, unless you think we need that many."

"I don't think I could handle managing that many," I say honestly, my mind flashing to Uriah and the three Jacobs' standing out in the blizzard instead of working.

"You could," he denies my statement, "You were in charge of twelve ambassadors at one point."

"Yeah, and it was a nightmare," I laugh, recalling how Josh hired eight new ambassadors two months before I went on maternity leave to have Thomas.

We have lost so many ambassadors since then. A lot moved out of the city, or just moved to the suburbs and picked up new jobs not related to the factions.

"You were new back then," he says, "You'll be able to handle it better this time."

"So, how many are you wanting to hire?" I ask, trying to get a number out of him.

"How many do you think you need to get done the shift in work load with these new houses?"

"Probably double what we have," I sigh in defeat, knowing I need to manage more people no matter the result of this meeting.

"I have seven potential people in mind that would fit the part, but they don't know about it yet. I can talk to them, and you can sit in too if you want, and we can put it out to the faction to have some people apply," he suggests.

"So fifteen at minimum?" I clarify.

"Only if you agree."

"I don't want to," I laugh, "But I know I have to. We could use more people."

He nods in agreement.

"Just, try and not pick males names Jacob if you can," I joke. "We already have three, I don't think we need more."

+ + +

I text Amar as I walk, thanking him again for watching Tom this afternoon while I go train. He responds telling me not to worry about it, and not to rush to pick him up.

Tobias has been in phone meetings all day; something he didn't predict considering I had planned on him to watch Tom while I went to the staff class for a few hours.

I anticipate the screech as I push on the training room door, knowing that it's only getting louder and more painful each time I am here.

"Sorry I'm late, I have a day job," I joke to Zeke as a bunch of heads turn at the sound of the door. The class started a few minutes ago, and I had to run home to change before coming here.

"You're fine," he says, making some kind of comment to the class that we are now "blessed by my long awaited presence".

The class pairs up and stands in a line as Zeke calls drills of attacks and defense for warming up. I observe, already noticing the skill in this class compared to the beginner one I typically go to. Their swings are more confident, therefore much louder, and the sound threatens my PTSD. I stand near Zeke, not close to the point of awkwardness, but not far away where I am isolated.

My brain is telling me to run, and it's taking all the strength I have to stand and act normal.

I want to press my back to the wall so I can see every angle of the room and confidently know that no one will come up behind me. But I can't do that. That would be moving backwards, and I'm here, attending these classes despite my trauma and fear, to move forwards.

Zeke tells them to run through drills on their own for a few minutes, then turns to me to talk.

"I really wanted to split them up and work on dueling today. I'm not sure if you'd want to do it as a big group or you and I split up and take half to save time. Either is fine because observing is helpful too towards a learning curve."

"I'm going to be completely honest with you," I say knowing I can trust him and he knows how hard facing this has been for me. "I can't handle separating with their skill level."

"That's totally fine," he smiles reassuringly, shaking his head and raising his eyebrows, immediately dropping the subject and explaining some struggles he's had with the class.

I don't recognize any faces in this class, and Zeke said they all went through initiation before I returned to the city. They're Rose's age, give or take, and split pretty evenly between male and female.

Zeke calls them all to stand around the ring, and as everyone moves I grab a staff for myself. Half of my reasoning is to have it to teach and show examples of what I mean, but the other half strictly is for my mental state. Having a staff in hand makes me feel slightly more comfortable because I know I can defend myself pretty well.

"Have they ever sparred before?" I ask Zeke and he nods.

"We've been working on it for a while now. This class is actually twice the size, but I found it easier to teach them while sparing compared to in a big group, and doing so with a group of forty meant not everyone could go in the window for training.

Suddenly I feel guilty for not wanting to split up. We could accomplish a lot if each of us took ten people and worked directly with them.

You know you aren't ready for that step, Tris. Zeke understands, now help the best you can. I mentally scold myself for being hard on myself.

I find myself really relieved by the way Zeke runs the sparring. The pair gets a set time limit, and people wear wrist protection and don't have the intention of killing their opponent. Of course, I'm sure initiation runs this way now too, but I think I am so amazed because I physically haven't observed a duel since I myself was in initiation.

The class is really experienced, and I find myself proud of how far Zeke has gotten them. I am well aware that he has more advanced classes, and one day I hope to be able to observe them as well.

The final spar ends and I give some comments to the one man who seemed to be struggling.

"If you relax your shoulder more your mobility will improve naturally," I stand next to him, being a whole head shorter than him, and show how his shoulder was uncomfortably raised making his motions rigid.

"What are some ways to improve on blocking?" the man that the guy spared asks me for advice.

"Honestly, just time and experience. Zeke has given you the materials you need, and now its just up to you to get use to the metal on metal contact not making your arms go numb and figuring out what works for you. Sticking to the same set of attacks and blocks isn't wise because you will become predictable to your opponent, so all I recommend is sparring as many people as you can and find what works for you."

"Amen to that," Zeke says.

"Would you want to spar, you and I," I ask Zeke, "To give an example before we end?"

"I would be honored," he mocks, earning a chuckle from the class and an eye roll from me.

He joins me in the ring and we begin the routine of tapping the ends of out staffs three times before beginning.

I begin off offensively, swinging as hard as I can at his block to see if I can get him to drop his staff from the painfully strong vibration I know it will cause. He groans, not dropping his staff and I raise my eyebrows, impressed.
I haven't sparred Zeke in forever. Taught and shown examples in slow motion with minimal contact, yes. But I haven't avidly tried to disarm him since I taught him how to spar four years ago.

He goes offensive, swinging hit after hit that I block with ease.

My arms burn, my pulse pounds in each fingertip, and I feel good. For the longest time after having Tom I let my PTSD get the best of me and stopped sparring under the excuse of him. I feel some kind of high between sparring with Christina and Zeke again. I feel like a piece of me that was gone is somewhat back, and I'm not sure what it is.

I feel sweat drip from my brow as I see the break in his guard to disarm him. I hit his staff, then slide mine down to hit his wrist and twist. His staff falls to the ground and he shakes his wrist.

"You okay?" I ask, knowing the disarm I chose can break wrists, but I don't think I put enough force into it to actually hurt him.

"All good," he says, bending down to pick up his staff.

The class dismisses itself as a few people stick around to help Zeke and I put the staffs back in their closet. Just like when I made it through my first beginner class, I feel this sense of pride and accomplishment mixed with the thought that feeling this way is pathetic.

I know I've been through so much tougher of a class than his advanced group; especially if this is the way they run sparring. Not that the way they do it is bad-- I don't want anyone to spar the way I have in my past between Dauntless initiation and the New York training I learned the staffs in.

I say bye to Zeke, not really feeling like sticking around to talk as he seems like he has somewhere to be as well.

I make my way back to our apartment, my feeling of pathetic accomplishment making me smile.

I thought about picking up Thomas on my way home since Amar and George's place is on the way from the training room, but I decide that I really want to shower first.

Plus, Amar did say it was no rush to pick him up...

I unlock the door and enter our apartment, Indy immediately comes up to greet me and I bend down to pat his head.
.

"Hey," Tobias says and I jump, completely not realizing he was home.

"Sorry," he smiles when he sees he scared me, wrapping his hands around my hips and squeezing lightly.

"You've never come home so sweaty from a class," he says, his voice deep.

"It was a good class," I say, trying to tell Tobias about everything but loose my words when he attaches his lips to my neck.

We kiss like horny teenagers, his lips crashing to mine first, then our tongues immediately after. I run my hands through his hair as his hands hold firmly on my hips. God knows what the sounds are coming from our mouths. I no longer can find where I end and he begins.

We are one. For years now we have been one.

We will be this way for years to come.

That's the plan, anyways.

Over 5k words and a M parallel, god, I need a nap lol

I hope you all are staying safe!

Thanks for reading!

All the love,

Kat