Chapter 19

— Tris

I sigh, turning on the dishwasher as Tobias helps Tom in the shower. Being in the cold is never a fun time for my leg, and this time was no different. I roll my ankle around in a weak attempt to relieve the random pinching pain that covers my left calf.

This pain use to terrify me. Don't get me wrong, it still does, but just not as much. I know for sure that it is the nerve damage from consecutive injuries and excessive surgeries to fix said injuries that cause the pain.

It's whatever. It sucks, but I still have my leg. The pain of all the bullets and knife was worse than this, and unlike that pain I know this will only last a few days.

It's a small price for a load of fun, and I plan to do it again and again, each and every winter with our children. It's such a joy to me just getting to see Tom play in the snow. I always wanted to so badly when I was a kid, but of course, that desire was selfish.

I consider myself lucky for having the childhood that I did. Things could have been so much worse or different. However, I also do not plan on Tom having the same childhood that I had, and especially not having a childhood even close to Tobias's. We live in Dauntless, and the city itself is so much different compared to when Tobias and I were Tom's age.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that we aren't going to spoil Thomas or any of our potential future children, but if they want to play outside and there's no reason to say no, we will.

"Go say good night to mom," I hear Tobias say when the bathroom door opens.

"I say good night to Indy first!" he tells his father, running over to Indy's dog bed. He sees him and his tail thumps on the hard wood floor.

Thomas pats his head, telling him that he will see him in the morning. Then he turns and comes towards me. I squat down, biting my cheek to suppress the groan of pain that I want to release from my leg.

"Good night Mom!" Thomas's little arms wrap around me, his still wet blonde hair resting on my shoulder.

My heart pangs for a moment on how old he is getting already.

Before long he is going to be too cool to hug his mom good night, and his legs will be long enough where he won't feel like he has to run everywhere to keep up.

Cut it out, Tris. You're going to cry if you keep thinking like that.

And before I blink, he's out of my arms and off to bed. Even Indy is looking at me like it wasn't enough for him either.

I release the groan when I use the counter to help me stand up.

It's not an injury. It's just nerve damage. I remind myself. It'll stop in a few days.

I walk over to Indy, knowing I need to try not to limp or baby my leg to get over the pain. If I work it out sooner than later, it'll be easier.

"You'll cuddle me forever, right Indy?" I use my leg again to squat down and sit next to Indy on his bed. He rolls on his side, wanting me to pet his belly. I smile, of course not hesitating to give him some love.

"I'm surprised you're still awake," I laugh as his tail happily thumps on the floor, "That was a big day for you today."

I didn't realize how cold I was until I was sitting next to Indy's warm body. I shiver, my legs tingling as they begin to warm up.

I can see from my spot on the floor Tobias leaving and closing Thomas's door. Our eyes meet and he smiles, walking over to sit on the floor with Indy and I.

"I'm surprised he's still awake," Tobias laughs when Indy hears him enter the room and picks his head up. His tail thumps on the floor as he pats his head, "Between today's big day, and a belly rub-- what are you doing awake right now?" He ruffles the dog's fur on his face as he talks.

I laugh when Indy plops his head back down on his bed, a big sigh coming from him.

"You're gonna knock out the second we leave, huh," I laugh as Tobias starts to stand up. He puts his hand out to help me up, and I take it.

"Is the pain still bad?" he asks, knowing that my leg is bothering me from me telling him earlier.

"I've had worse," I shrug it off, "I just have to keep telling myself it's not injured, because I know that it's not."

He shuts the bedroom door behind us before taking his shirt off to get ready for bed. Sitting down on the bed, I pull out my phone and respond to a few texts. Zeke asked for my help with a staff training tomorrow morning, giving me the warning that is about seven people. I agreed and then realized that it was still really early for Tobias and I to be going to bed.

.

"Tobias, it's not even nine yet," I say and he hums, turning around to face me.

"I figured we could cuddle," he shrugs, his voice an innocent tone that makes me laugh, "And besides, the boys were tired, and Tom always goes to bed around now. You wouldn't wanna keep Indy up any longer making noise in the kitchen, would you?"

He sits down on the bed and scoots over next to me. He's only half dressed from the clothes he put on after we got home today.

His hand traces the side of my face, his fingers traveling gently down the scar that goes from my ear to my jaw-- an injury that I actually remember.

I don't think I'll ever forget the woman standing over me, taking the blade from her pocket and dragging it across my skin. She did it to everyone that was a part of Derrick's New York human trafficking program that ripped me from my life. She was stronger than all of us, and she left her mark each time she downed one of us.

I'm snapped back into reality as Tobias presses his lips softly to mine, almost as if mine would shatter if he pressed any harder.

I sigh, relaxing from my thoughts as his other hand loosely wraps around my waist, tracing the skin under my shirt. His fingers are warm and I feel myself get goose bumps as he touches me.

"Of course," he pulls away, his voice thick with lust, "I'm always open for doing more than cuddling. Only if you're up for it though," his eyes meet mine at the end and I know he is worried about my leg.

Hey, just like you said earlier about your leg, Tris: use it or loose it.

The next morning we wake very early in a tangled mess and I find myself freezing. I curl into Tobias's side, finding that he is much warmer than I am. He sighs, showing signs that he is awake as well.

He rolls from his stomach to his side before wrapping his arm around my bare waist and forcing me to spoon him. I shudder, his body heat warming me up as we relax back to sleep. We must fall back asleep like that because the next time I open my eyes we are in the same position but it is a few hours later.

"Good morning," I feel Tobias's breath on my cheek as he places a soft kiss on my neck.

"What time is it?" I ask, rubbing my eyes.

"Just after eight."

"Okay. I've got training at nine fifteen. Zeke asked me to come."

Tobias hums, rubbing his hand over my bare stomach.

"We don't have that much time," I roll away from Tobias and his body heat, against my own liking. The dull pinching pain that I felt in my leg last night is worse this morning. I was expecting that though.

Tobias groans at my moving away from him, and he tries to get me back near him by scooting over to my side of the bed.

"You've got like," he pauses, pressing kisses up my middle back, "A whole hour before you have to leave."

"Yeah, and you've got a son who wakes up at eight fifteen on the dot every single morning," I groan, so badly wanting to stay in bed and forget about my pain.

"I can't believe you're blowing me off for Zeke," he teases.

"Now that is something I would never do," I roll my eyes, grabbing his jaw and kissing him passionately for a few seconds. "I'll be home later, and we'll have plenty of time together.

I stand up and begin to get dressed in workout clothing. Behind me I hear Tobias beginning to get out of bed as well. I pull on some leggings and pair it with an army green t-shirt.

"I'll go wake up Tom," I tell Tobias, leaving out bedroom. Indy must have heard us being awake because he is sitting right outside of the bedroom door when I open it.

"Good morning, mister," I bend down against my leg's liking, scratching behind the fluffy dog's ears. Per usual, his tail thumps on the ground happily, "Let's go wake up Tom."

Indy jumps up when I say Tom's name, running over to his bedroom door and wagging his tail. He whines, my walking taking too long for his liking. I think this is his favorite thing in the whole world: getting to run in and jump on Thomas's bed every morning.

I open the door and Indy takes off, running across the room and leaping up onto the twin sized bed.

"Good morning, Thomas," I say, turning on his light to see him petting Indy. Usually he is awake every morning, just waiting for Tobias or I to let Indy in.

I sit down on his bed, running my fingers through the fur on Indy's back. He really could use a bath, it's just hard because of it being winter. Typically we would take him outside to dry after a bath, but if we did that now he would literally freeze solid.

Indy hears Tobias in the kitchen and jumps off the bed, Thomas kicks off the sheets and follows him.

"Go to the bathroom, Tom!" I call after him as I stand up.

Other than a few accidents here and there, I can confidently say he is potty trained at this point. I mean, its about time, he's three years old now.

I see the bathroom door shut just as I exit Tom's room and head towards the kitchen. The smell of coffee makes my mouth water and I hear Indy's kibble being poured into his metal bowl.

"I put some waffles in the toaster for you," Tobias says as he sets the dog bowl on the ground, making Indy sit before he eats it.

"Thank you," I reply, pouring the coffee into two mugs. Tobias takes just cream in his, while I only take sugar in mine.

Somehow we will always be opposites. That's what makes us, well, us.

The toilet flushes in the other room just as the waffles pop from the toaster. I walk over to get them, then put some in for Tobias or Tom, whoever wants them.

I decide to put some peanut butter on the waffles and sit down at the table to eat. At this point, I have about a half hour before the class starts.

"Did you wash your hands?" Tobias asks Tom when he walks into the kitchen.

"Yeah!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"Okay!!" Tobias mocks Thomas's exaggerated tone, and I laugh with my mouth full of waffle.

I eat the rest of my breakfast and take a water bottle from the cabinet, taking the water from the fridge to fill it up.

"Hey, that's my water bottle," Tobias pouts, making Thomas laugh.

"You can share," I say, pinching his lower lip.

"Fine. See you later," he kisses me goodbye.

"Where are you going?" Tom asks, his eyes sad.

"I have a training class this morning with Uncle Zeke," I squat down next to him, "I won't be gone for long."

"I wanna come!" He whines.

"You can't. Maybe another time," Tobias butts in, probably sensing that a tantrum is coming.

"But I want to!"

"No, Thomas. I'll see you later," I say standing up and putting my shoes on by the front door. Tom starts yelling, throwing the tantrum that I knew was coming. I leave the apartment just as Tobias is putting him in time out and sigh to myself.

What can I say? He's a toddler, that's for sure.

I walk down to the training room, stopping only shortly to say hi to Uriah and Marlene as they walk their dog.

I turn down the next corridor and into the big doors of the training room. The screeching sound the door makes when I open it makes me wince.

"Hey!" Zeke calls from across the room, waving as he exits one of the many storage closets along the wall.

"Is it just me or is that door getting louder?" I laugh.

"It's definitely not just you," he agrees, setting his keys on the table as I set down my water bottle.

"Thanks for agreeing to help," his voice is genuine, "This class is really beginner, today's their second class. I learned last time that I need more than just me to help all of them."

"It's not a problem," I laugh.

"This class is specifically staff training, so we don't do any running or really a warm up like the class you came to a few weeks ago. I'll probably work in a warm up eventually, but I'll be honest, there's no need for a warm up if they can't even hold the poles correctly yet," he says and I nod.

The door screeches and a few people who must be here for the class enter. I recognize all but one of the faces just from them being around the compound.

"Did I mention that Shauna's in this class?" Zeke says.

"So that's why you asked me to come and help," I tease, "Who's watching the twins?"

"Uriah and Marlene were going to go to our place and make pancakes with them. AKA they're going to make a mess with them and leave it for Shauna and I later," he laughs.

"Hey, maybe you'll get some leftovers when you go home."

"Or I'll be making pancakes," he laughs, "I hope Mar knows how to make them because I have no faith that Uriah knows how."

People continue to enter the training room, Shauna among a group that she is chatting with. 

After a few minutes the class begins. Things run smoothly with distributing the staffs, going over how to hold them angled with the high end to the left, the low end to the right, and practicing movements. 

After a general review as a group everyone spreads out to a punching bag to practice their basic swings. Like I did when training Zeke and Christina on staffs, its easiest to learn swings, then learn blocks with a punching bag. After that then its easier and safer to pair two people together to get use to the impact of swings and blocks. The feeling of metal hitting metal is always the hardest thing for people to get use to. It physically can hurt if the swing is strong enough because of how the metal will vibrate. So, working on the punching bags really is only a first-few-practices kind of thing. The sooner someone gets use to that impact of metal hitting metal, the easier it is to move forward with more intense sparing.

However, that metal hitting metal is my current problem. Zeke has been dying to show off his more experienced class to me, an hoping maybe I can give them more pointers since they're at the same level as him and Chris, but I can't tolerate the sound without going into a full panic. 

I sigh, strolling around the room and checking people's hand position on the staff as they swing at the bags. Everyone is looking pretty good, but I do find myself helping out a younger girl who is struggling to grip the staff correctly.

I'm not sure what she is doing, but whatever she is doing is making her elbow stick out uncomfortably, and is also restricting her range of motion. 

"Try relaxing your right shoulder a little bit," I try to give her advise, holding up my staff as a visual example for her, "And loosen your grip a little bit. It's good to have a good grip, but not to the point where its uncomfortable."

She follows what I say, her form instantly looking better and easier to move. She thanks me and I move down the line to see if anyone else is having similar problems. 

"They're looking really good," I comment to Zeke and he nods in agreement. 

I explain how that girl was having a weird stance because of gripping the staff too tight to him, just in case he ever runs across that problem again and knows how to fix it. 

"Would you want to demonstrate some blocks with me? They seem like they're good enough to move on," he asks and I nod. 

He calls the class together and we begin to explain the next steps of blocking. First we go through the motions at a normal speed, starting a spar then doing only one hit of him swinging and me blocking. Then we break it down into slow motion of me explaining every move.

We teach them just three basic blocks: swinging from the head, left or right. They all have the same basic idea, and they all will also get the class use to that impact of metal to metal.

Zeke instructs everyone to pair up, then gets them all into a line.

I just never feel comfortable with all of this instructor stuff. It literally makes no sense considering as being an ambassador I talk to groups of people all the time and have no problem with it. There's just something about teaching physical things to groups like this that I don't like. One minute I feel like I'm explaining too much, then the next I'm moving too quickly and people don't understand. Just things like even instructing them to get in pairs and two lines facing each other makes me feel so awkward. I've expressed the feeling to Tobias before and he just teased me, saying I'm just not the 'amazing instructor that he was'.

I observe as Zeke calls out commands, explaining how one line will be blocking, the other swinging, and how to not be crazily violent for the time being since they all are learning. He makes some kind of joke saying how he doesn't feel he has to worry with this class since they're all pretty mellow, earning a laugh from a few people. 

I feel my heart beat a little harder as the sounds of metal against metal begin. They're all in unison, and not anything close to what causes my fear from my past.

And yet, I still have to talk myself down to calm myself.

None of these people would even know how to hurt you with a staff, Tris. You've seen how beginner they are. 

There's literally eight of them, and they're all in front of you.

For my piece of mind, I count the eight people again in my head.

They aren't going to come and attack you, you're fine. And even if they were to try, you've got your own staff in your hands. They wouldn't stand a chance.

Even though I've tried talking in my head like this before to get over the trigger, it's never worked before. I don't know what's different this time, but suddenly I am able to move past my paranoia and focus on helping the class.

Soon enough the noise is just in background to me, and I'm not looking behind my shoulder and counting eight heads every two seconds. I'm genuinely relaxed, teaching these people basics and demonstrating with Zeke problems when they arise. 

I'm almost disappointed when the two hours are up and the class is over. 

"Next class is Friday, same time, same place. You know the drill, just send me a text if you can't make it," Zeke says as everyone returns their staffs to the closet.

"Great work today, everyone," I add in, Zeke saying something of an agreement.

Everyone begins to leave and I go over to the table, grabbing my water and taking a drink.

I can't help but feel proud of myself for sticking around and getting over the noise this class. I know each experience and each day are different, but today was a huge step for me. Don't get me wrong, its a pathetically small step, but none the less a step.

Shauna comes over to the table with me, recognizing Zeke's water and taking a sip.

"So," Zeke joins us, holding out the "o" forever, "You coming back on Friday?" he asks me.

"Maybe," I tease and Shauna sighs exaggeratedly.

"Tris you should've seen him trying to teach alone last week; it was actual hell," she laughs and I laugh trying to picture teaching blocks with only one person.

"I guess so," I smile and Zeke puts his hand up for a hi five, which I hit.

I guess I have to start somewhere, I sigh mentally. I can't keep being pissed at myself for being unable to get over the paranoia if I'm not doing anything to fix it.

.

Hope quarantine it treating you all well and everyone is staying safe! 

This definitely is a longer chapter for me, and it has an M parallel as well so be sure to check that out in the parallel book if that's your kind of thing (:

Again, I hope to update more frequently with quarantine, and I do have some ideas for the next few chapters to write, but I can't promise anything. Please be patient with me, I am adjusting to online classes and it can be a lot with my migraine history to do school online for a few hours, then also write online for FYTC for a few hours too. Ideally I would like to start pre-writing again, and maybe get back on a schedule like I was in the past with updating, but we'll see.

Stay safe everyone! 

All the love,

Kat