Even though he did freak out when Todoroki was massaging his arms, he didn't cry in front of him again, so at least some of his dignity was saved last night.

Tutoring the rest of the week was fine, the idiots understood everything Bakugo had been going over, but the only thing was that Mina would not talk. To anyone at all, so when Bakugo checked in every now and then to make sure she understood, she would just turn her paper around to show him.

Usually she had the stuff down perfectly and it was clear she understood, but sometimes he'd have to explain to her further, which she obviously hated.

Sero also never reported back to him about what happened that other night, but whatever, it's not like he cares that much.

Just a little, but if she doesn't want to try and be civil, then that's on her. He's not going to try and make her like him. She decided that she didn't want to be his friend on her own, he didn't decide that for her.

"So Todoroki knows now. It's shitty," he tells his mom.

It's cold as fuck out and he hates it. Especially since it's already dark and not even that late yet.

"I also apologized to my friends. I haven't apologized to Mina and Sero, but I think it's going to take me a while since they were being so fucking annoying."

The cold is making his already aching shoulders and arms hurt even more, but he could deal with it.

"You know how they were. It was damn annoying and I want them to feel bad for a while. Sure, it's shitty of me but I don't owe them shit, so fuck them."

He huffs and sees his breath in the air.

"I'm talking to dad soon. After next week, it's the holidays and I'm nervous, but I'm trying to focus on exams first. I'm doing my best to get the best scores in class, and I'll be able to do it. Just help me out okay?"

He could really use his mom's encouraging words right now. He missed them. He missed her.

"You know, the other day, Halfie made me tell him a funny story of you," says, smiling as tears well up, "and so I told him about when you first picked up baking and it was horrible."

After sniffling and blinking away the tears, he clears his throat and sighs.

"Halfie thought it was funny, too. It's shitty knowing I'll never have new stories. And-" he sighs again, heavier this time as guilt builds in his chest, "Kaminari made me spicy Mapo Tofu a while back, but I couldn't eat it. Cause then if I did- if I did your Mapo tofu wouldn't have been the last one I ate."

It's subtle, but he can hear his voice become tense and shaky, "And you were the last one to massage my hands and arms, but-" he takes a deep breath, "I let Halfie massage them cause I couldn't say no to him. I wish I said no because now I hate myself. I just erased a part of you. I can't lose all of you. Mom, I'm not ready to lose you."

He inhales sharply, "But it sucks even more knowing that I did. You're not here-"

In a panic, he stands up and shakes his hands in front of him.

This can't happen every time he thinks about it too hard.

He loses his breath and struggles to get it back, but tries to do those exercises Hound Dog taught him. It kind of hurts because of the cold air, but he does it anyway.

After a minute or two, his breathing is mostly normal. His heart still pounds in his chest, but he tries to ignore it, deciding to sit back down after causing a scene in front of his mom.

It feels childish thinking that way, but helps him deal with the loss.

"I'm sorry."

The guilt still weighs him down.

"Hound Dog said it takes time for people who have lost someone, but- but it's been months and I feel like it's worse. I feel worse than ever and I just need you to be here. I'm- why?"

Anger boils up inside of him and he can't get it under control as he slams his fists into the ground next to his mom's grave.

"Why? Why? Fucking- why was it you? Why wasn't it me?" He yells, voice cracking and tears building back up as the emotion chokes him up. He finds himself freezing at his own words.

Why wasn't it me?

He breathes in deeply, standing up once again and shaking his head at he tries to come back to himself as fast as possible.

Thinking those things is bad. He knows that. It hasn't exactly come up in therapy yet, which, okay he knows that if anything were to come up, it should be that, but he's embarrassed.

His mom died and he gets to keep living, but now he wants to throw that away? All because he's sad? If he could punch himself a million times he would, but then that would be hurting himself and he promised his mom he wouldn't do that again.

It's then that his alarm goes off and he swallows, unsure of what to do.

Exams are coming up, so maybe he'll just focus on that. Exams and exams alone.

Nothing else.

With that, he kisses his mom goodbye, grabs the old flowers and blanket, and heads off to meet with Todoroki. He makes a schedule in his head about how to study the best this weekend and during the week before each written exam. Then he has to squeeze in training, so he'll be busy all week with nothing but exams in his head.

There are only three written and they start on Monday. Then there's the physical exam which is on Thursday. Then they get Friday off, so he'll be going home Thursday night after the physical.

Just the thought of going home on Thursday makes him want to scream, but he refrains.

When he meets with Todoroki, the other is smiling at him and waving.

"You look upset, so if you want to talk about it, I can listen. If you don't, that's fine, we'll just shop."

Bakugo shakes his head, not wanting to talk and glad that he can just do that. It's a little perk for confiding in Todoroki.

"Okay, let's go," Halfie says, dragging him along.

It's funny because Bakugo used to be the one doing that to him since he had no clue where anything was in the store. Now, after months of dragging him along, he knows where everything is and can even go find things on his own.

Todoroki gets a cart and puts one of Bakugo's hands on the handle, making sure that he stays in step with him.

"Do you want to keep that blanket or do you want to put it in the cart?"

He's feeling a little spacey. It's like after getting healed by Recovery Girl and that first thirty seconds after waking up and you're still trying to piece everything together, but you're also beyond tired and your body aches because she couldn't heal you the whole way since you hadn't eaten right in days.

But he feels the blanket that's over his shoulder and it's a nice little weight that's helping to keep him together.

He forces himself to speak because like hell is he going to let himself retreat into himself that much.

"I'll keep it, Halfie."

Said idiot turns to him and smiles, putting his hand over the hand Bakugo has on the cart briefly before pulling away. It was like he was trying to comfort him, and Bakugo found it nice, but it wasn't enough to get him out of his head.

They move around the store, Todoroki asking what they need from each aisle and Bakugo giving him on word answers, staying by the cart. One hand on the handle and the other hand feeling the softness of the blanket.

His mom would hate to see him like this, but it helps him get by.

"Do you want any snacks?"

They're in a different aisle than before and Bakugo honestly doesn't remember when that happened.

"Um," he says out loud, looking around, feeling stupid.

Mina likes those strawberry cookies he's looking at. She's been sadder recently, and even if he pretends he doesn't care, he kind of does.

"Those cookies," he points.

Then he looks around some more, wondering which snack to get Sero. He's also sad, but he's sad because of Mina.

"Those cheesy chips in the green bag," he points and Todoroki gets those, too.

He thinks about his other friends and how they deserve a snack or two for accepting him back so easily. He feels guilty since none of them made him apologize so much. It was easy and he doesn't think he should've gotten away with his shitty treatment towards them so easily.

Todoroki places those snacks in the cart and looks over at the blond.

"Did you want more?"

He nods, clearing his throat. "Yeah, those barbecue chips, that pack of gummy sharks, and those chocolate covered almonds over there."

Todoroki raises his eyebrows at him, clearly shocked by how many snacks he's asking for.

"They're for the idiots," he says, and Todoroki's eyebrows go back to normal, nodding before he goes and collects all the snacks.

As he's picking, he grabs a bag of spicy chips that he knows Bakugo likes and some regular salted chips, probably for himself.

"Do you think we can hang out? Me and you?" He asks, placing all the snacks in the cart, making so much noise, his ears hurt with all the crinkling of the bags.

Bakugo looks at the other, not really up to socializing, but wanting to be around him. So he nods. "Sure, Halfie."

Todoroki smiles at him, nodding once, happily.

Then he's back at his side, pushing the cart and making sure Bakugo is in step with him as they move to the next aisle.

He just needs coffee for Shinso and then he's got something for all of them. The barbecue chips are for Jiro, the gummy sharks are for Kaminari, and the chocolate covered almonds are for Kirishima.

They'll be putting a bit more money on the school card than usual, but honestly, they probably won't even notice. The school is filthy rich and won't notice a few hundred yen on the thing going missing. Technically, it's for the class anyway, so there shouldn't be too much of an issue.

~~~~~

He's still not doing great when they get back to the dorms and he does make Todoroki go deliver all the snacks next door because they'd all decided to hang out.

Halfie did take a while to come back, but when he did, he was empty handed.

"Mina wasn't there so I had to go to her room. She's upset, but she said thank you for the cookies," he tells him.

Bakugo figured she'd still be excluding herself, but he doesn't really know how to deal with her. He doesn't even know if she'll listen to anything he has to say.

Honestly, he feels like he should apologize, but he's not sure for what.

Hurting her feelings?

Is that why she's so mad?

That's what Sero seemed to be mad about, so it was probably the same for her.

"I'll talk to her soon, I guess," he says, sighing and burying himself in a blanket.

"Do you want to watch a movie? Or do you want to talk now? It doesn't have to make sense, but maybe I'll understand either way."

He swallows.

It's like he read his mind. He doesn't know how to explain what he's feeling because he's not sure what the feeling is or if he'd confuse Todoroki in the mess of his thoughts.

Feeling understood, Bakugo tries anyway.

"I don't know why I want to live. It's- I want to live for my mom, but I don't know what happened to before. When I was scared of dying and I wanted to be number one. I don't know what I want other than I don't want to live like this."

Todoroki gets a sad look on his face at the end of his explanation.

"Do you want to die?"

The words weigh tons, more than they should, and it's probably because he kind of does.

"I don't know," he answers, looking away and wrapping himself tighter in the blanket, sore muscles enjoying the warmth of his room.

"Do you want to kill yourself?" Todoroki follows up.

The blond shakes his head.

"I'm glad about that, but have you brought up wanting to die with Hound Dog?"

It's not fair. Not fair that he can't swap places with his mom. He'd do anything to have her alive, even if she couldn't be with her, he wants to to be able to live for the both-

She'd probably think the same thing if it was him who died and her who lived.

Fuck.

His chest hurts with the thought and he looks at Todoroki in a panic to get the thoughts out of his head. Fuck.

As he starts panicking, he loses his breath, begging Todoroki for help with his eyes, unable to speak through his reaching thoughts and pounding chest.

Ice runs up his leg in an instant and he's left gasping in shock, and out of his thoughts, confused about the temperature change, the cold biting at his leg.

That didn't last long.

"Bakugo," Todoroki calls.

As he catches his breath, he's left staring at his frozen leg, Todoroki left hand already coming up to defrost it and warm him up.

"Bakugo," he calls again and Bakugo looks up, hating himself and hating his mind.

He's tired and wants to sleep.

"Hey, what happened? I'm sorry if I'm the one who pushed you to your panic attack," he says, a frown on his face, which shouldn't be there.

Bakugo doesn't like that.

"It's- it's okay, Halfie. It wasn't you, I just kept thinking. Shit," he breathes, running his hands over his face before he holds them to his chest, coming back to himself.

"I just haven't been good, so everything sets me off. I'm- Hound Dog is helping me figure it out."

Once his leg is defrosting and slightly warmer than usual, he pulls Todoroki's arm so he gets closer and hugs him, really wanting the comfort, even if he feels a little weird doing so.

Todoroki just hugs him back, moving them slightly so they're more comfortable.

"I'm really sorry about what happened. It's not fair."

Bakugo gets choked up at the words.

It's not fair.

Fuck it's not fair.

He breathes through the emotion, not letting himself cry.

He can cry later when he's alone. It's fine.

Todoroki squeezes tighter.

~~~~~

The idiot is still in his room when he wakes up the next morning, mind foggy.

He just climbs over him and goes to the restroom, annoyed at himself for being so weak and letting himself freak out in front of Todoroki like that.

After doing his usual morning routine, he decides he needs to start training and studying, so he gets a change of clothes for his morning run and heads back in the restroom, Todoroki still dead asleep.

Even after he's come back out and put his clothes in the dirty laundry, Halfie is asleep, so he grabs his earbuds quietly and reaches for his phone carefully so he doesn't wake the other up.

Then he's out the door, writing a text to the other so he knows he's out for a run and will probably be at the gym after.

There's barely any light out as Bakugo stretches a couple of yards away from the dorm building.

After five minutes, he's off, music playing in his ears and feet hitting the ground at a steady pace, making sure not to go too fast yet.

He's not sure how much time passes before his legs decide he needs a break, sure that it's been at least thirty minutes, so it's good to take a break. His breath is hard, but steady, cold air making his lungs burn slightly more than usual.

When he checks his phone, taking a break while stretching, he stops slightly when he realizes it's been two hours, but shakes it off when he rationalizes that it's not that big of a deal.

All he's going to do now is stretch and only do an hour at the gym, so he starts heading that way, noticing the texts he's gotten. Halfie started texting only ten minutes after he left to go on his run.

Shit.

_______________
IcyHot

Okay, maybe I'll join you soon.

I came to the gym and you're not here.

Are you already back at your dorm?

Maybe I'm being annoying but you're
not at your dorm. You at least better be
being safe.

_______________

The texts were pretty spaced out and now he feels bad. He didn't mean to ignore him, he just got lost in running.

Fucking shit.

He's got to respond now, so he stops his walk to the gym and starts texting the idiot.

_______________
IcyHot

Shit, I was still running

My bad, Halfie, I'll wake you up next
time so you can join me

_______________

He sets a timer as soon as he's at the gym so that he doesn't stay here for hours.

As soon as the timer is set, he's starting on his usual routine, hyper aware of how much time he's taking for each thing because now he feels bad for leaving Halfie hanging.

It's like that for the whole hour he's working out, and even on the walk back to the dorms as he checks his phone for messages.

That's when he sees a few new texts from Todoroki, not making a big deal out of being left on delivered and responds to him right away.

_______________
IcyHot

It's okay, but that was a long time of
nonstop running. I hope you're okay.

I'm free for the rest of the day if you want to
hang out.

I'm studying for the rest of the day so if
you wanna join, I'll be in my room

Don't be annoying if you join me. No
movies and no talking. Exams are soon

_______________

All he gets is an 'okay' back and he rolls his eyes at the message.

True to his word, Bakugo studies the rest of the day after his shower, having set an alarm to cook dinner, but other than that, he's been fully immersed in going over everything.

It's like that for hours until he gets a knock on his door and he sits up, stretching his back after being hunched over for so long.

He's wondering who it could be before he's thrown into the reminder that he told his idiots he'd tutor them all weekend.

Fucking shit.

So he gets up quickly and hurries to the door, meeting the faces of his idiots who are all pouting.

"Kacchan, you said you'd be drilling facts into our heads today."

"Shit, shit I know I forgot- fuck-" he curses, mad at himself for being so stupid after he'd told them he'd help them.

He's so mad.

"Let- hold on, I'll meet you downstairs," he rushes out, feeling frantic and stupid as he closes the door and gets all his stuff together, making sure he has the stuff he made for them to pick stuff up quicker.

In less than a minutes, he's gathered everything up and rushed out of his room and downstairs to the common area.

As soon as he's reaching them, Kirishima smiling and waving, he hears his name being called.

"Bakugo, hello, I was just on my way to join you," Todoroki says, a small smile making his way on his face.

For some reason it just makes Bakugo even more stressed and guilty, leaving him unsure of what to do.

"Shit," he sighs trying to explain frantically, "I- fuck, I'm sorry. I forgot I told them I'd tutor them and they just reminded me. It's already 5 so I only have three hours to give them a days worth of shit."

He feels exhausted and so damn stupid.

"I'm sorry, Halfie. We can-"

Todoroki stops him, putting his hand on his shoulder and squeezing.

"It's okay, Bakugo. It's okay, breathe."

He exhales heavily, feeling himself calm down just enough to feel more put together than before.

As his shoulders relax, so do his muscles which leaves him feeling the ache that comes with the cold and not massaging them. On top of that, the stress he's holding is not helping and he was just slouched over his desk for six hours.

"You've got this. If I join your tutoring session I can still hang out with you. I just like being around you. Is that fine?"

After a deep breath, Bakugo nods, looking up at the other with a sure nod.

"Yeah, let's go, Halfie."

When he and the taller teen head over to his group, he notices the looks he gets, but decides to brush it off and get right to tutoring, already having wasted enough time as it was.

"Alright, get your shit together and make sure you have one of each of the four papers. I fucked up so now we only got three hours before I test you on this shit," he starts, giving Todoroki some, too, since he had reached out for them.

He really needs to stop letting himself get so worked up.

***
Word Count: 3632
Yall ik I said it woukd be a normal sized chapter and it woukd go up at 11:30 so IM A LIAR. I've been so busy and shit and also stressed as fuck but I'm trying to get my shit together so trust yall will get regular chapter soon. Just expect the next two or three to be a little late and ranging from 3000-6000 words. I'm trying my best to reach that 6000 but it's rough out here. Anyway i hope y'all liked this chapter. Next one goes up on Sunday around 11:30 pm central time (from 11:30-11:59). I love you all and tysm for reading<3