Sometimes, Bakugo swears his life is a seesaw. One moment he's utterly convinced the world is ending and he's so encased in pain and heartache that it feels impossible to escape, and the next he's in top of the world and thinks that everything is amazing.

It's never really in the middle.

"So you don't like it?"

Kaminari stares back at him with worried eyes, shoulders slumping in insecurity.

Bakugo is holding a drawing of himself that Kaminari made. It's got a complex background and the lines are on point. It's messy in an intentional way that portrays Bakugo going through a rough patch.

His eyes seem distant and lost. It's clear how much thought was put into the drawing and how much Kaminari saw through Bakugo's anger.

It was a little scary how vulnerable he looks.

"Sparky, this is fucking cool," he finally gets out.

Kaminari's eyes shine as a huge smile breaks out in his face. "For real?" He asks, completely shocked by Bakugo's reaction.

Bakugo nods, looking over the sheet of paper again, completely thrown off by how much care was put into the drawing. It's just beyond him how someone can do that.

"It took me days, ugh, I couldn't get your stupid hair right-"

"Hey!"

"-and don't even get me started on your super sad eyes, dude, I almost cried when drawing this. I never noticed before, but you're really going through shit, huh?"

Bakugo's heart feels like it stops.

He hates the negative attention right now. He knows Kaminari doesn't mean to embarrass him, but it's hitting him anyway.

He's quiet for a second, not appreciating how frozen he feels at the call out.

He knows he's not the best at hiding it, especially not recently after that whole shit show that was yesterday, but he didn't expect to be outright confronted like this.

"Oh, I didn't mean to-"

"No, it's fine," Bakugo interrupts, "I get that I look like hell. I didn't mean to make anyone else feel bad about my shit," he says, starting to back away.

Kaminari immediately shakes his head and denies everything, stopping Bakugo in his tracks.

"No, please don't do that. It's so cool to see this side of you, man. Cause- okay- fuck, cause- it's not cool to see you so down. You're grieving. That shits rough, dude. I don't mean it's cool to see you sad, I mean it's cool that you're letting us see you like this. It means you trust us, right? At least I hope so. Don't feel bad for trusting us with how you really feel, alright?"

He isn't sure how to feel about that except for awkward. Talking about his feelings isn't easy for him.

"Alright," he finally agrees, not convinced himself that he means it.

Kaminari looks stressed about trying to explain what he meant.

"I know you don't do feely things, but when you do, we appreciate that you trust us. Don't hide."

All Bakugo wants to do is hide.

So he shrugs, handing the paper back to the electricity user before said user shakes his head and stops him,

"Keep it. I made it for you. I'm glad you liked it."

Bakugo nods and lets himself retreat after a second, not sure what else to say other than a whole bunch of curse words to make the vulnerable feeling go away. It feels too raw. Too soon to be out and acting like things are fine.

So he goes back to his room, locking it and feeling like it's hard to breathe.

He tries to take a deep breath, but gets even more panicked when he struggles, placing the drawing at his desk and staring at it as tears fill his eyes.

It sits a foot away from him as he cries, chest heavy and unable to get himself together.

Tears fall, landing in his desk chair before he leans away and turns, wiping his eyes. His mind is racing with a million thoughts, most hating himself for being so weak.

It's clear, even to his classmates that he's going through hell. The drawing was amazing and he knows that Kaminari showed it to him to make him feel better. That he drew it with love for the angry blond so that he felt seen.

A bit of gratitude flows through him, but it's overshadowed by grief.

He's lost a part of himself, he realizes.

Everything that he was has been washed away with fear and sadness. It leaves little room for him to try and bring back his old self.

There's so much going on. With his dad letting Aizawa take back guardianship, having to get a new counselor, and on top of that, dealing with his worried classmates. It's suffocating and he feels even worse when he keeps forgetting about his mom.

He wipes and wipes the tears away, but they keep coming back, unable to stop, he gives up, pulling at his hair that falls out easily, making panic rise up in his chest at record speed.

The breath is completely knocked out of him as he panics, holding clumps of his hair in his palms, clutched tightly as he stares in horror. Why is his hair falling out? Is he sick? Is he dying? Oh god, he doesn't want to die.

He sobs, letting the hair fall out of his hand before reaching back to his head and pulling some more out.

Again, with little resistance, he's got more hair in his grip when he pulls away, fear choking him and leaving him unsure about what to do about this. What can he do?

Treatment. He needs to get to a hospital right away, he decides, feeling like his death is upon him.

He rushes out of his room, breath hard to catch, hands shaking, and fear choking him so bad he feels like he might die from suffocation rather than cancer.

He's running on pure adrenaline as he rushes out of the dorms, heading for UA's entrance, pulling his phone out of his pocket to call a taxi service to take him to the hospital. It's hard to do with his hands shaking so much, but eventually he's left waiting, pacing by the side of the road as his mind refuses to shut the fuck up.

Again, he pulls his hair only for it to fall out some more, a little bit less this time, but still a decent amount, which just adds more fuel to his panic.

After a few minutes, his breathing can only be classified as desperate. He's unable to get oxygen to his lungs and he feels like his going insane with how much fear courses through his bloodstream.

It's as he's grabbing his face, trying to get a hold of himself as his breathes come out as wheezes, still pacing that someone calls his name.

Before he knows it, Shoto is running over to him and checking him.

Hands pull his own away from his face and he's forced to make eye contact with his boyfriend, panic clouding his actions.

"Hey, you remember the breathing that Hound Dog taught you?"

No. No he doesn't. All he knows is that his hair is falling out and that means he has cancer, which means he's dying soon and won't ever be on this earth ever again. He'll never see anyone he knows ever again and will just completely disappear into nothing.

What comes after?

He gasps, sobbing as he drags his hands down his face again, scratching so that he can snap out of it.

"Katsuki," Shoto shouts, so loud it grabs his attention immediately and forces him to freeze.

His heart is still pounding and his hands shake at his sides, but he's not pacing anymore or scratching his face.

"Tell me what's wrong."

His chest shakes as he tries to stop the sobs, and every time he tries to speak, he's unable to, choked up by his fear.

"I-" he gasps, "I can't."

He knows he looks a mess, but it's hard to think about that when he's dying.

"Can't what?" He asks softly, calm. It pierces through Bakugo and allows him to take a deep breath.

"My hair- I'm dying," he cries, absolutely hysterical now as everything comes back full force with the words.

Since he can't exactly speak right now, he just tugs at his hair and shows Shoto the clumps of hair in his hands. His boyfriend's eyes soften and he pulls Bakugo in for a hug, tightly. Immediately, he's rubbing his back and using his quirk to warm him up.

"Shh," he soothes, "it's stress, Katsuki. We can have Recovery Girl double check, just relax."

His voice is so soft. It's getting through to the blond and has him holding his boyfriend tighter.

After a minute of trying to calm down, trying to convince himself he's fine by replaying Shoto's words over and over in his mind so that they stick, a car pulls up.

His boyfriend freezes for a second before the sound of the window being rolled down plays in his ears and then there's talking.

"For Bakugo?"

Oh the taxi service.

"Give me a second," Shoto calls and pulls away, digging into his pocket to get some cash.

He's gone for a few seconds, Bakugo shivering without the warmth, before the car drives away and Shoto is back, holding him tightly.

"You're still shaking. Let's go check you out with Recovery Girl. You need to take a deep breath, okay?"

The blond nods, inhaling deeply, feeling the panic fade away slowly.

"Come on, let's go. You're going to be fine, okay?"

Again, another nod.

Then they're walking, Bakugo on shaky legs as he wipes away the tears, noticing how he still has his hair clenched in his fists. He just stares before Shoto wraps an arm around him as they walk, pulling him close.

"It's just stress, remember? You're not dying. I promise," Shoto says certainly.

Bakugo feels compelled to listen to his words, especially after he promised.

"Don't let go of the hair just yet. We're almost there and I don't want you to have to pull more hair out to show her, okay?"

"Okay," he finally answers back in a whisper.

He feels so fragile. Like if the wind blows slightly harder, he's going to float away or break.

~~~~~

Okay so it was just stress.

He's back in class the next day, eyes weighing heavily and every time he blinks he feels himself struggle to open his eyes back up.

Shoto wanted him to stay in and get some rest because last night he couldn't sleep, but he didn't want to. Staying alone could have meant overthinking and then another freak out. They're not fun, so like hell is he going to risk another one.

Aizawa ended up finding out about his cancer scare, and told him he'd set up an appointment already, so he's going this weekend to his first ever appointment with an actual grief counselor.

He's not really sure what to think about it, but Shoto has been really supportive. He's still pissed at Masaru, but Bakugo doesn't blame him for that. He'd be pissed, too, if that were to happen with Endeavor.

Even now, he's pissed at Endeavor, but for good reason.

So he guesses Shoto has a right to be mad, too.

"So when they moved over to the west," Midnight goes on.

He's not really paying attention, but from what he does hear, he knows what's going on. They learn about this part of their history every fucking year, and even though they learn a little more about that part of history with each grade level, he knows exactly what they're talking about.

Even if he wasn't ahead in lectures, he'd be able to teach on this subject on the spot.

"Bakugo?"

The blond turns his attention to her and she looks at him, almost with sadness in her eyes.

"What year was that?" She asks him.

He looks over to the board to try and understand what she was talking about, and based on the names she had written down, she was talking about the year that people with quirks were initially introduced as legal in Japan.

So he answers with what he thinks she's talking about and she nods, clearly impressed with his answer.

When he's looking at the class, he sees Jiro looking at him with a look in her eyes that makes him turn away. It was too intense. It made him feel too vulnerable. Like yesterday with Kaminari and his drawing.

Fuck, that was horrible.

Not the drawing. No, the drawing was fucking amazing. It was so realistic.

What came after feeling so seen is what was horrible. He doesn't like for people to even have an idea about how he's doing when he's not feeling great.

Sure, it makes him human, but it still sucks.

He's fine for the rest of the day, really. Training goes great for the first time in a couple of days and he didn't fall asleep in class, so he calls that a win.

Shoto spends the day with him after classes just near him.

It helps to keep Bakugo from spiraling.

Every time his thoughts stray too far, his breath catches and Halfie is there, holding his hand or entangling their feet so that he doesn't start to get in his head.

This appointment with the new counselor is setting him on edge. Sure, he's glad that maybe someone can help him process shit, but what if he's unfixable? What if there's nothing else for him than pain and grief for the rest of his life? No getting better or learning to live with it?

A nudge on his foot makes him look up at Shoto who's looking up from his book.

"You okay?"

The blond swallows and nods.

"Yeah, thanks. I just-" he doesn't know, actually, "feel shitty. We should on something on Sunday. Let's- Would you go on a date with me on Sunday?"

With stars in his eyes, Shoto nods, a smile forming on his face.

"I'd love to."

Slightly more sure of himself, Bakugo nods, "Okay, I'll pick you up at five, is that a good time?"

"Yes," Shoto says with that soft voice he uses with him a lot.

Now that he thinks about it, Shoto only uses that voice with him nowadays. It's nice. It makes Bakugo feel cared for. Loved.

"Okay, a date on Sunday. Can't wait," the blond smiles, growing excited for the upcoming day.

With how he's been feeling recently, he's only been able to feel happiness for a few instances. Usually it's when he thinks of his mom, but now when he thinks of his dad, his friends, or Shoto, he's been able to feel that again.

It's just so hard.

He was never able to fully understand what people went through when they were depressed, he only had some vague idea. Now that he's experiencing it first hand, he's not sure how they even function. He finds it hard to do so, and that's for things that he used to find fun.

Like sparring?

He used to love waking up early to spar against Iida or Shoji.

Now he doesn't even want to spar in class anymore. Sure, sometimes he gets lost in it and can remember why he enjoyed it, but it's hard to even feel that sometimes.

"Hey, I know you're not doing well right now," Shoto murmurs, "and I want you to know that when you're not doing well, you're allowed to focus on yourself. You don't owe me a date because I haven't broken up with you. Dating is not transactional. I care about you."

It means everything to Bakugo to hear that. He already feels guilty about so much, and feeling like he's been neglectful to his partner only added onto the guilt.

Sure, he'll still feel guilty for it, but now that he knows Todoroki understands, it feels a little better.

"Thanks, Halfie. You're the best."

Bakugo is already writing a million poems about how amazing he is in his head.

"You're always there for me about my mom, but you never tell me about yours," he starts, moving over to lay on his chest, "so come on, fess up. Tell me about her."

"You've just been struggling with your mom so much, I just didn't want to make you feel bad by bringing up mine."

He gets that, but he doesn't feel that way. At least, not right now.

"Thank you. I guess usually I'm not up for that, but sometimes I am. I'll ask more often, especially when I'm doing better than most days. I didn't mean to make you feel like you couldn't talk about her."

Shoto shakes his head before planting a firm kiss on his forehead.

"She's still in the hospital. I haven't visited her in a while because the last time I went, which was two months before we started dating, she had a meltdown. She attacked me, yelling that she hated my face and called me evil."

Bakugo's heart breaks for him.

He hugs him tighter, squeezing him, "I'm so sorry that happened. That sounds horrible."

Shoto hums thoughtfully before he continues, "I'm just scared to make her scared. I- she's so fragile. I can't make any quick or sudden movements around her because she flinches every time. My dad really messed her up. I haven't brought her up recently, mostly because I'm scared that I'll want to go see her and then it would be too soon and she'd have another meltdown."

With every word, Bakugo feels even more empathy for his boyfriend.

"I'm sure you know this, but that's not your fault. I know you and you would never do anything to make her scared."

With a deep breath, Shoto shakes his head, "Yeah but it's still hard when I know that every time she looks at me, she only sees my dad. I scare her. And- I know this sounds selfish, but going to visit your mom with you, has really helped me, too. It's nice being able to talk to her. Even though I never met her before, I think it would be just as easy."

Warmth fills his chest as he nods, a stray tear falling onto his boyfriend's shirt.

"It would be. Have you thought about going to visit your mom? I know you said you have, but have you made plans to actually go?"

Shoto takes a deep breath.

"No. Every time I think I will go, I end up chickening out. I can't even write her letters. Ever since that day, I haven't written to her."

Sadness fills Bakugo's chest.

It's kind of like Shoto lost him mom, too.

Sure, it's not the same, but the pain is probably just as bad, Bakugo can only imagine.

"I'm so sorry. You must feel so bad, Sho."

He feels his boyfriend take a shuddering breath, clearly overcome with his emotion.

"I don't know how to talk to her anymore and I can't even ask my siblings how things are because they won't speak to me either. They haven't since they moved out a few years ago and even then, they never spoke to me."

They're both crying now as Bakugo sits up and pulls Todoroki towards himself.

Bakugo just feels so sad that Shoto feels like this. It's making him emotional, clearly. His tears fall onto his boyfriend's shoulder and he can hear his boyfriend sniffle against him, tears probably falling, too.

"It's okay, Shoto. You're incredible," he whispers, being as caring as he possibly can.

Shoto really deserves the word.

And more, really.

***
Word Count: 3293
Chat🗣️‼️ I'm not waking up in the middle of the night with excruciating heartburn so that's a win. The only issue though is that I've lost a significant amount of weight within two weeks due to being sick😛 I'm actually worried, but at least no heartburn igs. It's also like this kind of sick kinda sucks because I'm not coughing or getting a sore throat. It's just having stomach issues (like usual) but these stomach issues are just slightly worse than usual. Like idk it's horrible. I'm scared to eat literally anything outside of the recommended diet and I'm also more tired than usual, but wtv. Anyway me aside, trump got inaugurated and already we're so fucked. I'm so scared all the time about these executive orders that he's been signing. Especially as a Hispanic woman, it's so scary to know that I'm a target. Like I've always been a target, but with trump as president again, I feel like attackers are emboldened and feel like they have a right to attack. Also that nazi salute that Elon musk did TWICE was so horrifying. Our country is dangerous and it's very obvious guys. Be safe pls. I hope yall liked this chapter. Next one goes up next Friday at 11:30 pm central time. I love yall PLEASE STAY SAFE and tysm for reading <3