"I heard you tell Aizawa you wouldn't hurt yourself. Why would you need to tell him that?"

Bakugo freezes where he's at in his closet, organizing his clothes. It's after dinner and he told Kirishima they could talk, but he didn't think the red head would start the conversation like this.

"What?"

It sounds so quiet and shocked. Bakugo definitely didn't mean to sound so small.

Sadly, Kirishima heard it, so he asks again.

"Why would you need to tell Aizawa tha-"

"I fucking heard what you said. Why would you ask me that?" The blond asks, feeling anger creep up because of the embarrassment.

He hears Kirishima's awkward breaths and stuttered thinking.

"Well- I- cause I just heard you yell that stuff. I just wanna know why?"

Bakugo throws the stuff in his hands on the floor of the closet and turns around, glaring at the red head. "I don't give a shit. Why would you think it's okay to just bring that up like it's the weather?"

Kirishima falters just slightly, but then he straightens up. Staring Bakugo right in the eye.

"Because I'm worried and if I'm living next to you, I need to know if I should be looking for signs of self harm or suicidal tendencies," he admits fully.

Confidently.

Like if he has any right.

Bakugo takes a deep breath, trying not to lose it, but he's sure as hell storing it away in the back of his mind so he can bring this bullshit up when he goes to visit his mom this Friday.

The blond breathes, exhaling heavily.

Then he looks straight at Kirishima again. "Listen to me right now. I have my reasons, which I'm not going to tell you, but these reasons are the biggest thing keeping me from doing that shit. Got it? Trust me when I say it's the most important thing in my life to be the best and not fucking kill myself or even hurt myself. I've got reasons. Don't start acting like Aizawa and disregarding everything I stand for."

Kirishima just stares back, almost in shock.

"Just know that killing myself is completely off the table for me. You don't need to know why."

And rather than having the effect that he wanted, Bakugo watches as Kirishima's eyes fill with tears, lip forming into a pout that just tells the blond he's trying not to cry.

"What the fuck? Why are you gonna cry?" He asks, watching in horror as that just makes the red head burst out into tears, sobbing loudly.

Shaking his head, Kirishima tries to stop the sobbing, wiping at his eyes.

"Why do you need a reason to stop you from hurting or killing yourself? Are you really doing that bad?" He asks through tears.

That hits Bakugo hard.

What?

The reasons are supposed to be a good thing. They're supposed to show these assholes that he shouldn't be babied.

Maybe he's being too obvious about being confused because Kirishima keeps talking.

"It's not normal for you to rely so heavily on a few reasons to not do something like that if you weren't struggling with the idea of it."

That's stupid. That doesn't make sense.

Normal people have reasons to live. This is Bakugo's. Why is it so bad that he has one?

If only he could tell Kirishima that his mom would be devastated if he killed himself. That way he knew that that was Bakugo's motivation to keep going. It wasn't messed up.

And then Bakugo really digests the words.

Does he really need a reason like this to not want to hurt or kill himself?

The realization that maybe he really wants to die hits him and it hits him hard.

If it weren't for his mom, Bakugo would kill himself. At the very least he would start hurting himself. No matter what he thinks by being so open with the fact that he won't kill himself, the truth is he hasn't done anything like that because of one thing.

Then Aizawa's precautions and worries are stemmed from the right reasons.

Fuck.

"Bakugo?"

Bakugo's head shoots up to look at Kirishima and he notices that his face has fallen. He's not scowling anymore. He's not glaring. Bakugo is just trying to put everything together and that includes himself.

He's fucked up.

"Bakugo, you need help."

The blond goes to sit down on his bed next to the red head, feeling a little defeated.

My mom died and I thought the only thing that could push me was the thought of her being devastated if I did anything to hurt myself.

But Bakugo can't tell him.

All he can really tell him is, "I'm in therapy," he admits, hoping it'll get the red head off his back. "It's fine."

But it's not fine because apparently he's been wanting to die. Now that he's realized it, he kind of really thinks he shouldn't be alone. Fuck. His mom, he remembers. His mom would be so sad. She would-

That's the thing.

Would.

Past tense. Because she's dead.

The fact, slams into his chest, and he immediately gets up, shaking his head to get the bad thoughts out as he motions for Kirishima to leave.

"We talked enough. Leave."

He can't really decipher the look on Kirishima's face as the red head stutters through a question.

"Wh- Bakugo? I- you can't just- Bakugo wait."

Bakugo pauses, looking up at Kirishima who he'd escorted to the hall. He's leaning heavily on the doorway and he feels like if it weren't there, he'd definitely be on the floor.

"Bakugo you didn't say anything about the suicidal stuff. I can't leave you alone right now."

His voice is low and he's looking around the hall to make sure no one is listening.

But Bakugo's head is jumbled and everything is so messy. Both in his head and in this moment in real life. Everything feels like it's falling apart, but he's supposed to be getting better.

That's what fucking therapy is for.

Although he feels like falling to the floor and letting himself rot, he forms a coherent thought. Just let Kirishima know you won't do anything. That's all he has to do.

So he pulls himself together the best he can, shoving away all the thoughts for later.

"I'm going to sleep. You can stay but not on my bed. I'm not gonna try and kill myself or anything."

The only problem with what he said was his tone. He sounded done. Exhausted mentally.

Kirishima perks up at the offer to stay overnight.

"Let me just get some blankets and I'll come over."

In the little amount of time he has while Kirishima is gone, Bakugo takes deep breaths, straightening himself out and forcing himself to be fine. At least, to look fine.

In a minute, the red head is back and carrying way more blankets than Bakugo thinks necessary.

"What the fuck, Shitty Hair?"

After said teen drops the blankets on the floor, he sighs heavily.

"I need my pillows. I'll be right back."

What the fuck?

Bakugo doesn't say anything, just turns around and gets into bed, feeling a lot more put together because of his best friend's antics.

He's out like a light just a few minutes later when Kirishima has set up his things.

~~~~~

When he goes to visit his mom that week, he feels embarrassed having to face her. He's relying too heavily on her to live because she's dead and his mom wouldn't want that.

So knowing how she would have wanted him to live for himself has him walking around with guilt because she's the only reason he can find to keep going. Now that's he's put some thought into it, he realizes that he would honestly kill himself if it weren't for the thought that his mom would be devastated.

He's tried to come up with any other reason not to kill himself and he's come up empty. It actually terrifies him, but he's still trying to find more reasons. Something that actually means a lot to him.

Masaru was one of the reasons he tried stick with, but after remembering how he blamed Bakugo for his mom's death, well, now Bakugo doesn't think his dad actually wants him to stick around. It's hard to think that he does when he gets so angry with Bakugo so quickly, forgets about him, and even blames him.

Then he moved on to his friends. His friends would be upset if he died.

But he hasn't even apologized to any of them other than Kirishima and he knows that half assed apology doesn't mean shit, so they probably still hate him.

His third point was his future as a hero. That quickly got shut down when he went online and saw how many people hated him and didn't trust him after Kamino.

It was bad before, but fucking hell did it get worse after Kamino. He had to switch his email address three times and phone number once. Don't even get him started on the mail that shows up at the dorm mailroom just bashing him.

He even tried thinking of things to live for. Like how he'd miss the sunsets, never experience being in love, or even not being able to try new things because he'll be dead, but, in the end, he doesn't care about all that stuff as much as he wants to die.

So as he walks up to his mom's grave, he falls to his knees immediately and bows at her headstone.

"I'm sorry I'm disappointing you. I'm sorry I want to die."

He can't find it in himself to cry. Maybe it's all the crying he's done already, but no tears come. After he realizes he's not getting a response, he sits up and trades the old bouquet of flowers for the new one.

"Therapy this week came before I actually needed it," he starts complaining, "fucking Iida found out and I freaked out over not being able to go to class because Mr. Aizawa keeps banning me from going, which is making me feel like I'm behind. And then while I was freaking out, guess who pops up and sees me at my lowest point? Kirishima."

He scoffs and rolls his eyes, "so he sees me crying like a bitch and then ends up sleeping over because he thinks- well, technically he was right because I do want to kill myself, so he knows I want to kill myself and he didn't wanna leave me alone. Fucking annoying."

He sighs, shaking his head and running his hand through his hair.

"I feel so pathetic. I just feel so lost without you. You weren't supposed to die yet. You had no right to just leave me. I haven't even talked to dad since he blamed me for your death."

His tone falls flat and he sounds empty. It's really annoying.

"But, anyway, yeah. Of course I had therapy and then boom, after I have my therapy session that week I have a shitty ass breakdown. Luckily, I guess, Aizawa had already planned a meeting with Hound Dog, so that asshole really thought ahead."

His thoughts are all over the place but he hopes his mom gets it.

He sighs heavily, leaning forward and shaking his head. "I just don't know what to do anymore. I need more reasons to keep going. I need to think dying is horrible again."

Because he really misses having a true goal and true happiness. His life wasn't perfect. He knows that, but it was perfect for him. He had his mom, a dream, and support from his parents. He even had his dad and no real fear of losing his friends.

Bakugo knows they're strong, but death takes everyone.

Now he has no mom, lost his dad in the grief of it all, no dream to look forward to, and absolutely horrified by the idea of losing anyone important to him.

What's left?

He breathes deeply.

"I'm starting to get that numb feeling again. I know it's bad, but it's the only way I can get by and still seem fine to everyone around me. The only one who's actually noticed is that damn IcyHot idiot. You would've found him so annoying, Ma, I swear to god."

The blond shakes his head and rolls his eyes at the thought.

"He'd get on your nerves so fast. He's so stupid, but I also feel kind of sad for the guy. He had the worst father in the whole world raise him and the guy is the number one hero. I don't know how he goes on like he does. His head is always held high and nothing will hold him back. You'd respect him for sure," he nods.

He goes on about the rest of his class, talking about Jiro and Shinso and how they both like Kaminari and the other teen likes them back but it's complicated and Kaminari's dad is a raging homophobic bastard so that doesn't help.

Then he talks about Kirishima and how he needs to push him away again even though he just apologized. "I know I'll probably never be on their good side ever again if I go out and push them away again right after apologizing."

But he has to.

"And Iida, fucking Iida and his damn natural ability to pick up on every single subject so it's a pain in the ass to stay above him in class. He pisses me off way beyond belief."

Then he gets angry as Deku pops into his mind.

"Don't get me fucking started on Deku. That piece of sh-"

His alarm goes off, signaling that he should be headed to meet with Todoroki.

Like every single Friday, his heart drops when he remembers he's been talking to himself the whole time.

He stands up, wiping off the dirt from his pants and then his mom's grave. "I love you, Mom. I miss you every day."

Then he kisses his fingers and presses them onto the headstone to give his mom a kiss goodbye and then grabs the bag of old flowers and walks away, feeling guilt knowing that his mom will always be there. She has nowhere to go and Bakugo gets to continue living his life.

As the sadness overwhelms him, he finds himself unable to cry, and instead, falls into that numb feeling that helps him get by in the worst of times.

~~~~~

When he meets up with Todoroki, he sighs, realizing that the other teen is looking at him intently.

"Hello, Bakugo. I hope you were safe wherever you were. What are those for?" Todoroki asks, pointing at Bakugo's hand.

What?

Looking down, Bakugo sees the bag of dead flowers and his face pales.

Fuck.

Before he knows what he's doing, he hides the bag behind his back and angrily says, "None of your damn business, Halfie."

Todoroki nods, guilty look on his face. "I apologize, Bakugo. It is none of my business."

The taller teen turns away and now it's Bakugo's turn to look guilty because god damn he feels guilty. He just snapped at Halfie for no fucking reason. It's probably something his dad does to him and here Bakugo goes.

Bakugo looks down and then back up, sighing and shaking his head at himself, "No, Halfie, it's alright. I didn't mean to snap at your dumbass. Just leave it alone, okay? I'm sorry I was an asshole."

The other teen looks back at Bakugo. "You were embarrassed by the flowers. I'm sorry I asked about something that wasn't my business."

Bakugo shakes his head. "It's nothing. Let's go get some groceries, stupid."

Todoroki smiles, nodding. "Okay, let's go."

Outside the store is a trash can, so Bakugo throws away the flowers and then they start their shopping, Bakugo feeling that numbness take over once again.

By the time they make it back to the dorms, he realizes the numb feeling just got worse because he doesn't even remember half of what happened in the store. Sure, no one remembers every single thing that happens when they go shopping, but Bakugo actually can't remember going to get a single thing he apparently got with Todoroki.

But he discards those thoughts. It's fine.

He makes dinner and texts Iida that the food is ready before immediately going to work out. He doesn't feel hungry so he just heads to the gym.

There's no one there, thankfully, so he starts by running on the treadmill, focusing on his breathing as he stares mindlessly at the wall.

The only thing he pays attention to is how his feet hit the treadmill, running and running as his mind seems to drift off even further. He doesn't want to think. It hurts and he hates it.

He hates the helpless feeling he has knowing that he missed the chance to save his mom.

The pang of sadness makes him stumble a bit, but the speed of the treadmill makes the stumble way more painful than it would've been if he hadn't had it so high.

When he tries to catch himself, he accidentally punches the handle on the right. His knee hits the damn belt thing and his hands get friction burns on them when they touch the belt, too.

Then he's shot off the treadmill onto the floor and rolls onto his back, staring up at the ceiling with a heavy sigh, trying to catch his breath since he lost the rhythm of it when he tripped.

"Damn."

It hurt but he just fucking fell, so he bursts out laughing, beyond grateful that no one was there to see him eat shit.

He laughs for a while before he calms down, relaxing his sore body, still staring up at the ceiling. The dull ache throughout his arms and legs become less dull and more pronounced than he wanted.

His body actually hurts a lot, now that he thinks about it.

The only noise other than his breathing is the sound of the treadmill still going, and his sudden awareness of the sound of the treadmill has him getting up with a groan. When he looks down at his hands he sees that they're bleeding and when he looks further down to his knees, he sees his knees are also bleeding.

Great.

He should get back to the dorms.

But some sort of anxiety tugs at his chest at the idea of literally anyone being downstairs and seeing him, even if they don't talk to him.

Maybe he can just clean up the blood in the restrooms here and continue working out, he decides as he turns off the treadmill.

When it finally stops, the silence echoes in the big building.

There's really no one else here.

He looks around to make sure and shakes his head at himself when he confirms that he's alone.

"Dumbass," he tells himself and walks over to the restroom.

On the way there, he takes his phone out to look at the time. It's barely 2 am.

Wait.

Two?

How is it already 2 am?

Bakugo frowns, stopping in his tracks for some reason like if it'll magically make the time change to a reasonable hour because what the actual fuck?

How is it already 2 am?

He was not on the treadmill for that long. He was on there for maybe an hour.

But then the soreness of his arms, legs, and abdomen start making a lot more sense because it hurts a lot more than it should if he had just been on there for an hour.

He feels like he's losing his mind as he just stands there in the middle of the gym at- apparently- 2:47 am.

2:48 now.

He takes a deep breath.

No wonder he also needs to piss real bad. He's been here for almost seven hours.

Then it hits him that someone must have texted him or something and he's really fucking hoping that Aizawa was not one of those people.

He quickly presses his notifications, and, yeah, of course Mr. Aizawa was one of those people. There were a couple others, but the one that stuck out the most was his dad.

His dad hadn't tried to reach out in a while. Not since- well, not since the whole blaming thing that happened a while back.

His chest hurts just thinking about it, but he's actually happy that he's called.

Before he knows it, his phone is lifted up to his ear and the phone is ringing. He'd pressed his dad's contact and called, yearning to hear the voice of his dad more than he realized.

"Katsuki? I'm so glad you picked up. Son, are you okay? Your teacher called and said you hadn't been picking up or even answering any of your messages."

"Dad." 

That's all he can get himself to way because he's so overwhelmed with relief and joy that his dad was worried about him.

Maybe he doesn't blame him for his mom's death.

"Katsuki? What's wrong?"

Maybe something was up with his voice that his dad was able to notice something was wrong from that one word.

"I-" he needs to pull himself together, "I was working out. I'm sorry I made you worry. Dad I-"

"Katsuki I'm sorry."

Bakugo is reeling with so many feelings in his chest and it feels like he's about to explode with how much it aches.

"I have never once thought that your mother's death was your fault. I had no right to do that to you. I had no right to say that. I really hope you don't forgive me right now, Katsuki because I need you to understand that what I said to you was horrible. God, Katsuki, I am so sorry. I'm glad you're okay and I'm sorry I haven't tried to apologize before. I was being a coward."

Bakugo is left to take in all the words his dad spewed at him in the middle of the empty gym.

In the back of his mind, he remembers he has to pee, but the words of his dad bounce around his head like crazy.

He doesn't blame me.

"Katsuki?"

His dad's worried tone smacks him out of his shock.

"I'm here. I- I've been thinking about it," he finds himself saying, "and what you said is not fair. Dad, that wasn't fair-" he chokes on the emotions bubbling up.

"I know. I'm so sorry."

Bakugo has no idea what to feel or say. He feels stuck. Lost. He won't cry because he has absolutely no fucking clue what to do.

"I won't ever forget what you said to me, dad. I haven't forgiven you, but I will."

His dad is silent on the other end, probably unsure of what else to say other than 'I'm sorry' over and over again.

In that time, Bakugo remembers that Aizawa had been trying to get a hold of him.

"I have to go. Aizawa was looking for me."

His dad clears his throat before speaking up again. "Alright, Katsuki. Let him know you're okay, then. I'll call again soon so we can talk. I love you. Bye."

The words 'I love you' ring in his head and he finds himself smiling.

His dad loves him.

"I love you, too. Bye, Dad."

As soon as he hangs up, he looks for Aizawa's contact, pressing the call button and lifting the phone up to his ear, thinking about what's going to happen when the doors to the gym open.

It sounds so loud at 3 am and he jumps, looking at the person who opened them.

Mr. Aizawa.

Once he sees the man, Bakugo hangs up and clears his throat, walking towards the man, too.

"Bakugo, I was worried about you. Jesus, kid, I thought you were kidnapped again," he scolds, reaching for the teen's hand, "let me see your hands. I was looking at the security cameras and saw you had a fall."

Bakugo's face heats up in embarrassment.

Fucking hell. Of course Aizawa saw that.

"My hands are fine," he finds himself saying. His voice sounds a little weird to him, but it's no big deal. He still holds them out for the man to see, though.

He feels a little ridiculous doing so since he just said he was fine.

The man sighs as he looks at the open wounds.

It makes Bakugo pull his hands away and look anywhere but at the man, taking a step back.

"I didn't know it was so late. I- my phone was on do not disturb. I called my dad before I called you."

Aizawa shakes his head and waves his hand in dismissal at his excuse, trying to get across the message that it's not a big deal.

"Yeah I was worried, but it's fine. Please make sure your phone isn't on do not disturb the next time you decide to come work out. I like not being worried for my students."

Bakugo nods, keeping his eyes away from the man because this is the most embarrassing thing that could happen.

His sensei didn't know where he was, got worried, tried to contact him, looked at security footage when he couldn't find him, saw him eat shit on a treadmill, and then came all the way over here and saw the pathetic scrapes on his hands and knees.

Not only that, Bakugo had apparently been running for over six hours, which he had no recollection of.

"Alright, kid, let me walk you back to the dorms at least. You look like shit."

Bakugo glares at him. "So kind."

Aizawa talks most of the way back, saying some stuff about rules and how Bakugo shouldn't overtrain or whatever, which is fucking stupid because he hasn't even been allowed to participate in class during training. Him working out now is just making up for that, so he has no fucking clue what the man is on about.

He just pretends to listen as his thoughts take over.

***
Word Count: 4360
Yall my dad's parents had their wedding on Friday but guess what. They didn't even wait for their kids to actually do the ceremony. They told everyone the ceremony was at 8, but when we got up there like at 7:45, they had already gotten married😐 like the only reason we bought suits for the guys and nice dresses for the girls was for the ceremony. We're dirt poor and can't afford that type of shit and these stupid fuckers decided to go ahead and get married without having their kids there. Like our light might go out cause we had to buy nice clothes for that damn thing for nothing and couldn't afford the light bill. Be so fr like my family does a lot for my dad's parents which is way more than they deserve cause they're assholes and the wedding party just proved that. Anyway😝 I hope y'all liked this chapter. Next one goes up next Sunday at 11:30 pm central time. I love you all and tysm for reading<3