"When you decided that you were going to push away your friends, what did you think that would do?"

Hound Dog finally asked the question. He'd been beating around the bush for sessions and now he'd finally asked.

Bakugo sighs, curling his hands into fists in his lap.

"I needed to stop caring. I thought pushing them away would stop that."

Hound Dog nods and takes in the information, figuring out what to say to Bakugo to make him understand.

"Did it help you stop worrying about them?"

Bakugo glares at him. "You already know the answer to that. Of course not."

The pro hero just hums, taking some time before speaking. He's always doing that, but Bakugo just thinks it's because his thoughts are running at a million miles a second and he needs some time to catch them and say something that will get through to the blond.

Which makes a lot of sense because a lot of the things that he says, really makes sense to Bakugo and also make him understand it in his terms.

Sometimes people will just talk at him and he gets frustrated because they don't get him. It took Hound Dog a while to get through to Bakugo, but once he found out what works for him, he started talking to Bakugo like that.

It made the blond feel sort of heard and understood. Like maybe he wasn't impossible to talk to.

"Would you consider apologizing to them and actually letting them back into your life? I think it's something you should put some thought into."

Bakugo shrugs, looking around the room.

"I don't know if I can do that. I feel stuck or some shit. I can't really explain it but I can't. I don't want to," he says, voice tense and shoulders rigid.

Training has been hell on his arms and shoulders and the last massage he got on his arms were from him mom. He's scared to let anyone else massage him because then his mom wouldn't be the last one to do that.

He's scared he's going to lose her forever, every thought and memory.

"Okay, we can put that aside. Would you like to change the topic?"

Immediately, Bakugo jumps on the chance to bring up his dad. "My dad called the other day."

Hound Dog's eyebrows go up a little. "Did he now?"

The blond hates the way the man talks sometimes. Sure his words are more to Bakugo's liking, but his tone makes him sound condescending. And okay, he knows that's not what Hound Dog is trying to do, but Bakugo is just embarrassed to be doing the whole therapy thing, let alone about something like his mom dying.

"It was after I had fallen off the treadmill. I was going to the restroom and saw his messages. Then I called him after I saw he had tried first. I missed him, but I don't want to get back in touch. Not if he's just gonna fucking die on me or something."

He's trying his best to pull himself together, but that's impossible when he feels like everything is trying to tear him apart.

"We're going to lose everyone in our lives, Bakugo. It'll either be because they died or we did. It's a hard thing to come to terms with, I know. Trust me, in this line of work, you have to come to terms with it, but instead of pushing everyone away, wouldn't you rather spend as much time as you can with them?"

Bakugo's nails are digging into his palms as he looks down, shoulders coming up to his ears in tension.

"Okay, but it'll hurt so much more. I wasn't ready to lose my mom," he starts, looking up at the man, tears welling in his eyes even though he's trying like hell to keep them at bay, "she wasn't supposed to die yet. She needed to be at my graduation. She needed to see me become number one so I could take them on vacations. She needed to see me get fucking married. She-"

His voice finally cracks and he shuts up, shaking his head and wiping his eyes.

"It's understandable to experience this kind of grief, Bakugo. The only thing to note is that being alive means you can share her stories. You knew her which means you can pass on how she lived. It feels impossible to get by at first, and sometimes that feeling will come back, but it does get easier."

He hasn't looked up, still quietly crying as he wipes away the tears that are flowing too quickly for his liking.

"So you're saying I should get close to other people so when they die I can feel like this again and again?"

Hound Dog shakes his head.

"I'm saying, enjoy the people around you. Call your dad back when you're ready, apologize to your friends when you're ready, let people in when you're ready."

A million things go through Bakugo's mind. There's too much risk in trying to let people back in. He's not sure if he can let them. His mom was the best. His mom was everything.

He sniffles, looking up to see the time.

"Alright, well time's up," he says, getting up and trying to pull himself together.

"Okay, one more thing, Bakugo. I want you to come up with a list of why you think keeping everyone you care about away is good. Then during our next session I want you to bring it in and we'll go over it. Is that fine?"

The blond is already at the door with his bag, so he clears his throat and nods, still not looking at Hound Dog. "Alright."

He leaves right after, shaking his head as emotion claws at his chest. He's not even sure if he feels lighter or heavier after that session. All he knows is that now he's anxious about calling his dad.

It's hard to say he's ready to talk to him so now he's just stressing about how if he takes too long, maybe his dad would be hurt.

As he walks to the dorms, he sighs, wanting to get out of these suffocating clothes and into his comfortable sweatpants and baggy shirt. A shower sounds amazing, and as he gets closer to the dorm building, he grips his bag and hardens his face.

Too many people know about his mom's death and they're all waiting for him to fall or trip up and it's infuriating because he's fallen dozens of times already.

Just this weekend he was stuck in bed feeling like his world was ending. Fucking Aizawa had to come to his room and make sure he wasn't going to fucking kill himself or something. It needs to stop immediately, but he doesn't know how to.

He's already doing therapy and he even let Aizawa help him when he was at a low point.

At the beginning, Masaru helped Bakugo through one of these low points, but after the blond saw how much his dad was affected, he stopped letting himself need help from his dad.

The weekend after Bakugo got back on his feet, he had to help his dad, who was a drunken mess, get cleaned up and all that shit.

He'd gotten him to the restroom to do what he needed, struggling to carry his dad up from the floor, the stench of whiskey piercing his nose. It was nasty and got even worse when he had accidentally kicked one of the many beer bottles on the floor, which caused one of them to spill.

Then he gave him clean clothes for after his shower.

Right after that, he'd helped his dad to bed so he could rest while he finished up making them lunch.

Bakugo swore to never let himself need help like he did at the beginning because if his dad needed him, Bakugo wanted to be there.

He doesn't know how his dad is doing now and he's scared that he's back to those drunken days where he'd drink whiskey for breakfast and beer for dinner.

Walking into the dorms, he's met with a couple of people in the living room and two people in the kitchen at the counter.

Mina and Kaminari are sitting at the counter, looking at worksheets, probably doing the homework that's due tomorrow. Bakugo had it done three weeks ago, but if you ask him, he doesn't remember doing it.

He's just glad he did it.

The blond just hurries up to his room to shower.

Maybe he should call his dad. He doesn't know if he's ready, but will he ever actually be? He really should call him. He's also running low on money that he needs to buy his mom's flowers, so it would be a great opportunity to ask his dad.

It's probably because he was so lost in thought, but he almost bumped into Kirishima as he got near his dorm.

The red head was just leaving his room, but Bakugo moved in time to avoid crashing into him.

"Oh! Hey Bakugo. Sorry about almost bumping into you."

The blond was just going to keep walking, but the other teen had different plans for that, so Bakugo just turns his head and stops right outside his door.

"Whatever."

Not even a second later, he's shutting his door and locking it, not letting Kirishima keep him out of the comfort of his dorm for much longer.

Before he can psych himself out, he pulls out his phone and dials his dad's number. He probably won't answer anyway, he's busy and it's around the end of the business day, so he's probably rushing to get things done.

The last thing he needs is his kid calling him and bothering him to give him some attention.

"Katsuki?"

Bakugo tries so hard to listen for any indication that his dad is super busy or super drunk, but it was only one word and there doesn't seem to be anything else going on around him.

"Hi, Dad."

He almost face palms at the reply he gave his dad. Why did he stop there? Why didn't he just say what he was calling about?

Actually, what was he even calling his dad for? Besides the money thing, what was the reason he wanted to call his dad?

"Katsuki, I'm so glad you called. Before I go on apologizing, did you need something?"

Oh good. He's actually not drunk.

He doesn't know what to say. His dad is going to apologize. More? The man already did that last time, and now he wants to apologize some more?

"I-" he pauses, choking on everything he wants to say as he stands awkwardly in the middle of his room with his bag still on his shoulder.

I hate you for forgetting me?

I want to know why you blamed me?

I wonder if you actually believe it was my fault?

I'm sorry I haven't called you?

I need to know if you hate me?

"I have questions," he finishes lamely. He feels ridiculous saying such a pussy ass thing instead of what he meant to say.

He looks around his room, seeing the bare walls and the spotless floor and decided maybe sitting on his bed would be more grounding.

"Anything you need, Katsuki. I'll answer anything I can. I have all the time in the world for you, which- okay, I know I really messed up last time, but I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you."

The blond clears his throat, finally getting his school bag off his shoulder and playing with the loose threads on his blanket.

"Why haven't you been taking lead in my guardianship for therapy? I-" he pauses, trying to get his anger and embarrassment in check, "my teacher had to fill in and it's making things more shitty than necessary."

It's silent for a second, but it feels like ages for Bakugo as he waits for an answer. It's stress inducing to know that his dad can say literally anything and Bakugo would either be absolutely crushed or find out his dad cares.

"I'm so sorry about that, Katsuki. I didn't know you wanted me to take that role, but that's on me because I should have asked. Instead, I just assumed you wouldn't want me to since we were in a bad place and didn't know where I stood. They called me to ask about it, but I denied them."

Relief floods over Bakugo with a hint of frustration. If either one of them had just talked or opened up first, he could have avoided an awkward relationship with his teacher.

"I want you to step up for that, please. I get that you didn't know, but it's creating a weird dynamic for me and Aizawa. He knows too much and I have no say in that. I hate it."

The man agrees to call his teacher in the morning and Bakugo continues with his questions.

"Before I ask more, could you send me more money? I'm running low."

"Of course, now you can ask your questions."

Bakugo almost doesn't want to ask anything else. He's already asked him to take responsibility for his therapy shit and then asked for money. The questions might make his dad upset. Whether it's mad or sad, Bakugo doesn't want to risk it.

Hesitation has always been Bakugo's biggest pet peeve and here he is hesitating. Fucking shit.

Insecurity and anxiety claw at Bakugo as he forces himself to ask his damn questions.

"Why did you say that to me?"

He knows he's asked that before but it was kind of in a rush because he needed to call Aizawa back.

He also knows it's probably killing his dad, but he wants to know the whole truth. He wants to know if he actually believes it. Even if it hurts him. He needs to know the truth.

"Katsuki..." he trails off.

It sounds guilty and hesitant.

It makes a sharp pain go through Bakugo's heart. So he actually does blame him. Or, at least he has in the past.

"Tell me the truth. If you've ever blamed me, I want to know. You owe me the truth."

He feels choked and heavy, breath struggling to come out evenly as he waits in the long, unbearable silence for his dad to answer him. To tell him that, yes, he does blame him.

Maybe he wasn't actually ready for the truth.

The only thing that runs through his mind as he realizes he might have another episode is that if Aizawa finds out, he might bar him from class again.

That is until his dad starts speaking.

"I did. I have, not anymore. I was just so mad at everything and everyone. I did blame you at the beginning. And-" Masaru sighs heavily, "and when I'm drunk, like that other night, I blame you. I know it's not your fault. You're a kid, but I used to. I'm sorry."

So Masaru lied.

That night at the gym when he said he'd never once blamed him, he was lying.

"You lied to me?"

The man pauses on the other line.

"Aizawa had mentioned that he was looking out for self harming tendencies and it was so late at night. I didn't want you to do something you might regret."

No, he just didn't want to have a guilty conscience if Katsuki had killed himself right after that.

"Why did you blame me?"

He didn't really mean to ask anything else, it just slipped out. He needs to know what caused his dad to blame him. Was it solely the fact that he's training to be a hero and couldn't save his mom?

Masaru is obviously stressing on the other end of the phone and Bakugo feels more and more guilt build up in his chest.

A sprinkle of embarrassment washes over him as he realizes that his dad knows about his shit mental health.

"I thought you should've somehow known, which is impossible, so you could have been with her at the time. That way, either you wouldn't even have been in the building when it fell, or you could have at least saved her from- saved her."

Memories of that day flash through his mind and all he feels is guilt now. There's nothing else to feel as he remembers laughing with his friends at a restaurant and boasting about winning arcade games as his mom was being crushed under a building.

"Do you hate me?"

Without missing a beat, his dad answers, "Sometimes."

He grips the phone tighter as sadness rolls over him.

"Oh."

He doesn't mean to say it. Again, it just slips.

"I still love you, though. You know that, right?"

He still loves me.

Even though he knows it's really shitty of his dad, he still finds that the words feel good. His dad still loves him. That's good. He needs that.

But pain still leaves an ache in his chest, so he decides he should end the call to shower and go make dinner.

He has to study and all that shit. He's ahead, but that's only true for so long if he doesn't start keeping up his usual pace. He can't slow down. Not now.

"I have to go. I need to shower before I make dinner."

His father sighs over the phone and Bakugo feels stuck. Is his dad upset? What did he do to make him upset? Was it his tone? Did Bakugo sound angry? He didn't mean to.

"Don't be like that, Kats."

The nickname shouldn't work, but some childish part of him loves that he called him that.

"Like what?" He asks, genuinely confused by the change of energy in the call.

"Whatever, Katsuki, I wanted to apologize, but since you're being like this, I'll just call another time. I love you, bye."

He hangs up before Bakugo can get a word in, so he's left there, unsure of what he did wrong.

It's a few minutes before he gets up. He had just sat there, going over the last part of the conversation over and over in his head, and all he can think of is that he didn't give his dad enough time to apologize.

But he had already apologized the other night and a little bit at the beginning of this call.

Instead of throwing his phone against the wall in a mix of anger and sadness and confusion, he gets up calmly and plugs in his phone to charge before getting his stuff together and heads into the shower.

~~~~~

Bakugo used to love Wednesdays.

Training was always hectic and fun, which left a nice soreness in Bakugo's body by the time he got home. Then his mom would make his favorite food and then they'd watch a movie together with his dad.

When it was colder, his mom would even make hot chocolate and warm pastries for the movie.

Training today was fun, but now he doesn't get his mom's amazing home cooked meals or hot chocolate or even family movie nights.

Wednesdays are now Bakugo's least favorite day because it reminds him of all the fun he used to have with his mom.

Like now he's laying in bed, laptop open and playing one of his mom's favorite movies.

She loved romantic comedies, but for some reason, her favorite movie was some old action movie that Bakugo had never really appreciated before. He was just so hung up on the fact that this action movie was her favorite when all she liked watching was romcoms.

He still had about three and a half hours until he had to make dinner but the movie was already almost done.

When the credits start rolling about fifteen minutes later, he realizes why his mom was such a big fan of this movie. The plot was great and the main character wasn't some overly optimistic loser.

As he sits up, he wishes he would've enjoyed this movie when his mom was alive so he could've enjoyed it with her.

He doesn't know what to do for the remainder of the time he has before he has to make dinner. Maybe he could call his dad back?

As soon as that thought crosses his mind, he's thrown back into yesterday and feels all the guilt come back.

Well.

Maybe he won't call his dad back today. Instead, he goes over to his desk and grabs a piece of paper. Might as well start that list that Hound Dog wanted him to write.

A list of why it's better to push everyone away.

As he writes them, he realizes that there aren't many, but they mean a lot.

- When people die, it hurts.
- People are assholes.
- Less pain.
- No one gets to know your weaknesses.
- Become stronger.

That's all he can really think of for now, so he puts the pencil down. Maybe something will come to him later, but he has a whole week to think about this shit.

He leans back in his chair, staring at the list he made. It seems ridiculous. Five reasons to never let anyone in again.

"When people die, it hurts," he says out loud, and he bursts out laughing. No fucking shit it hurts.

Not only the person who's alive, but the person who died was probably in fucking pain.

Buzzing of his phone snaps him out of his laughing fit, and he sighs, rubbing his sweaty palms on his pants before grabbing the device.

Halfie is calling him for whatever fucking reason. Bakugo hates phone calls with people other than his parents. He doesn't want to answer this guy, but he sighs heavily and does it anyway.

Fucking Halfie.

"What?"

"Bakugo, hello," he starts and Bakugo rolls his eyes, "I was wondering if you'd like to go to the store with me today. There are still a few hours before you make dinner and we can spend the last thirty minutes at the store, but in the meantime, we can split up and you can do what you usually do. You always seem a little better after, even if sometimes you look sad when we meet up, you're calmer in the days after."

Bakugo sits up in his chair, definitely happy about the offer.

"Why would you wanna do that?" He asks suspiciously.

Does Todoroki know something? Is he trying to use this against Bakugo? What is his end game?

"Like I said, you usually seem better in the days after we go shopping. Whatever you do in the time we're apart, it seems to help you and today during class you seemed really upset. More than usual. I also actually do need to go to the store, this was just my excuse to actually go."

Halfie sure does go on and on for someone who's not really talkative.

The fact that he picked up on Bakugo's mood when Bakugo was doing his absolute fucking best to keep his emotions in check, is really fucking annoying.

But right now, he could really see his mom.

"Alright, Halfie. I owe you one."

"Soba and mochi, please. See you in ten to head to Aizawa."

Bakugo hums in acknowledgment and hangs up, getting his shit together quickly. He changes into something better like he always does when he goes to see his mom, checks his bank account to see if his dad sent him money.

Masaru did, thankfully.

He's done in five minutes, but decides to head down early anyway, hoping Todoroki is down there early, too.

With his wallet and headphones in his pocket and phone and keys in his hands, he heads out, locking the door behind him as he excitedly thinks about seeing his mom more than once this week.

Once he gets to the dorm doors, he sighs as he realizes Todoroki is not, in fact, early. That asshole never is. He'd checked the living room and kitchen quickly when he walked past the rooms, but no Todoroki in sight.

Immediately, he takes out his phone to make sure Halfie didn't decide to cancel or anyone else decided to bother him.

There were no notifications.

Well, better for him anyway, he hates having anyone text him.

He sees someone heading his way from the corner of his eye and looks up, hoping it's Todoroki, but instead it's Deku.

Bakugo has never feared being around Deku, but now that the blond has something to hide from him, he's scared the annoying teen will know what exactly he's hiding and start with his crybaby bullshit.

"Kacchan!"

He looks way too happy to see him, so Bakugo relaxes, figuring that Deku probably doesn't know.

At least, not yet.

Glad that the nerd doesn't know, Bakugo is able to put his usual scowl on his face and glare at the other. "What the fuck do you want, nerd?"

"Mean, Kacchan," he whines, pouting almost.

Bakugo just stares at him, wondering what the fuck he wants.

"I heard you're going to the store with Todoroki. You wanna train when you get back?"

"No. Maybe tomorrow."

He doesn't feel like explaining they're going to be long and he doesn't like sparring when he feels like shit.

"Are you okay, Kacchan? You look different." There's an obvious tone of worry in his voice and Bakugo wants to punch him for it.

"I was better before you got here. Leave me alone."

With a huff, Deku turns around and makes his leave, waving to Todoroki who's walking towards Bakugo.

When Todoroki approaches him, the blond frowns dramatically and scoffs.

"Fuck you, slow ass motherfucker."

Todoroki eyes widen ever so slightly and his eyebrows scrunch up before he breaks out into the tiniest smile.

"Let's go see Aizawa now."

Bakugo just follows him out of the dorms and to Aizawa's office, which the man is definitely still at.

They don't really say much on the way there, but on the way off campus and towards their separation spot, in the darkening skies, Todoroki finally speaks up.

"It's cold."

Bakugo almost face palms.

It's the end of November, of course it's fucking cold. He feels like he might freeze in this damn weather. He's surprised it hasn't started snowing yet.

"What are you doing for the holidays?" Halfie asks when Bakugo doesn't say anything.

The holidays.

Bakugo's chest tightens and his mood sours once again.

"I don't know. You?"

Todoroki hums, unsure of what to say.

"Fuyumi wants to spend them with our mom. She's gotten healthy enough to leave the hospital for a couple of hours a day, so we might go to a restaurant."

That sounds nice, but Bakugo feels a whole lot of jealousy at the fact that Todoroki can still spend the holidays with his mom. Well, so can Bakugo, but his mom isn't alive so he can't go out and celebrate.

"Maybe I'll spend the day with my mom, too," Bakugo finally says, trying to help Todoroki keep the conversation going, "is your brother gonna be with you guys, too?"

Todoroki turns to him and Bakugo looks back to see a small smile again.

"Yes, he is. I'm looking forward to the holidays."

That makes one of them.

"What's for dinner tonight?" Todoroki asks when he realizes Bakugo isn't going to say anything else.

The blond feels sort of bad for making it harder for Todoroki to keep the conversation going, but he seems to be able to get it moving on his own. That's growth.

"Kirishima's pick, which is some Thai dish that he sent to the class group chat."

Everyone sends their pick for the month there now except for Todoroki and Iida since they get extra days to choose. They send it to Bakugo directly, instead.

Todoroki's pick never changes, honestly, and Iida's is always something simple and easy on the stomach, no matter which dish he chooses.

"I see. I hope it's fun to make," Todoroki says, a hint of something in his voice that Bakugo finds amusing.

"Calm down, Halfie, I'm making you Soba on the side so you can eat that instead. I'll make enough for you to take some for lunch tomorrow, but I swear to fucking god you better eat least eat some vegetables I make today or I'm strangling you."

The taller teen hums happily as they reach their separation spot.

"Dessert?"

Bakugo rolls his eyes and scoffs.

"Fine. I'll make mochi, too, but not too much today. Just enough for the class, but I'll make a whole bunch tomorrow. Deal?"

With a satisfied nod, Todoroki replies, "Deal."

Then Bakugo's turns around and starts walking to the small store for flowers, beyond excited to be able to see his mom today.

***
Word Count: 4814
Yall yesterday I got too drunk and threw up at my uncle's house. So embarrassing. It was funny cause everyone said I didn't even look drunk(i don't act stupid when I'm drunk). I didn't throw up on the floor or anything. I was literally in the restroom when I felt like I was gonna throw up so yay lol. Also I go back to school soon and I'm living in an apartment now. My roommates seem chill but they're like quirky (not in a good way). The girl who's sharing a room with me seems more normal so that's good LMAO. Anywhoooo I hope y'all liked this chapter. The next one goes up next Sunday at 11:30 pm central time. I love you all and tysm for reading <3