He woke up on Saturday and immediately got up, the soreness that started yesterday got ten times worse so he walks slowly to the restroom.

His chest is heavy and his mind is numb.

The blond slightly remembers showering after coming back to the dorms per Aizawa's instructions. Honestly, Bakugo is grateful for that because if he hadn't been told what to do, he wouldn't have showered.

Even though he wouldn't have smelled bad, it still feels gross. His hands and knees are also bandaged up. The scrapes weren't too bad so the bandaging is light. He doesn't pay much attention to those.

After he's done with everything in the restroom, he goes back into his room and checks the time to see it's barely eight.

As soon as the idea comes to his mind, he's getting back into bed and closing his eyes to get back to sleep. He's exhausted and his body hurts and his mind is racing. He doesn't know what he's supposed to be feeling, but the ball of anxiety in his chest feels like it weighs tons.

It's impossible to stand all of the pressure.

He doesn't even have the energy to put the blanket over himself and turns over to lay on his stomach, sighing heavily as if it would expel all of the pain in his chest.

It doesn't.

Obviously.

When the anxiety spikes randomly, he changes positions to lay on his side, finally putting on the blanket, and grabs a pillow, hugging it as he curls in on himself. His breathing hitches at the panic rising in his chest, so he tries to get that under control.

He closes his eyes tight and curls in on himself even further to try and suppress what could be a panic attack.

"Stop stop stop," he tells himself. He can hear the panic in his voice as the tightness in his chest gets worse and worse.

Flashes of what he thinks his mom looked like when she died pop into his head and he freezes at the peak of his attack, feeling all of the fear at once before it lessens little by little.

By the time it's over, he's left frozen in bed, staring blankly at what little he can see under his blanket. His breathing is off and he feels-

Done.

One thing pops into his head and he tries to shake it away as soon as it pops into his head.

He could kill himself.

He's still frozen in bed as he tries to push away the thought.

If he's so tired of all the pain, he could kill himself and be with his mom.

No no no.

Suicide is not the answer. He can't. He can't do that.

But it seems like the best option.

Maybe he could?

His phone starts ringing and he breathes in a huge gulp of air. He didn't realize that he'd been holding his breath as he reaches under his pillow and pulls out the device that's still buzzing.

Aizawa's contact is on the screen. He's calling him. So Bakugo picks up.

"Yeah?"

"Good afternoon, Bakugo, I'm calling to check up on you. Are you alright?"

No. He's not alright.

At the question, Bakugo thinks about how he's feeling, physically, and realizes that his arms and shoulders are crying for help. The rest of his body is sore, too, but the sharper ache in his arms feels worth noting.

"Yes, I'm alright. Leave me alone."

Why does this man call at the worst times? It's like he knows when Bakugo is at his lowest. Maybe his quirk isn't erasure, but knowing when Bakugo is at rock bottom.

"Are you sure? Sorry for the honesty, but I had a gut feeling about you. I need you to be honest with me."

The respect Bakugo has for this guy is pissing him off. Why does he care so much about being honest with his sensei? It's so fucking stupid. He feels like pushing the man off a cliff.

Because now he feels like giving this man the truth.

Now he wants to tell him that no he's not alright and he's so tired of feeling like shit and he can't even remember when it turned noon. Because for some reason it just clicked that the man said it was noon.

"I-" he pauses, unsure of how to answer, "don't know," he finishes weakly.

He can feel the energy switch in the call when he finally admits that maybe he's not alright.

"Did you do anything to hurt yourself?"

The man's tone is careful, but also not too confrontational.

Bakugo hugs the pillow tight and breathes out heavily at the words. He tries to make himself smaller. He feels like he's taking up too much space in the world.

"No. No, but-" he can't believe he's going to be this honest with his teacher, "but I want to."

A sharp inhale is heard on the other end, and a split second of silence before the man speaks up again. "Do you have a friend you can talk to at the dorms?"

A stab of pain shoots through him at the words. "No," he whispers.

He feels pathetic just falling apart in bed to his teacher over the phone. How much lower can he get? This is truly rock bottom. He already regrets everything he's said.

Bakugo wants to take everything back. Wishes he could give his sensei amnesia or to go back in time and prevent himself from saying all that.

Actually, if he could go back in time, he would save his mom like he should have the first time. This time, Bakugo inhales sharply at the thought of his mom's death, and Aizawa acts quickly.

"I'm going to the dorms. I'll stay on the line. Don't hang up."

When he tries to put the phone on mute, so that Aizawa won't hear him try to fix his breathing, he realizes his hands are shaking.

Once he realizes that, he finds his whole body is shaking.

"Kid? Are you alright?"

He never got the chance to put himself on mute so the blond cringes at the realization that the man could probably hear his shaky exhale.

"I don't know," he whispers into the phone.

He puts the phone on mute successfully this time, so he starts trying to fix his breathing. It should be easy. This shouldn't be as hard as it is, but as his teacher speaks, he finds it impossible to get himself together.

"It's okay, I'm almost at the dorms. Just take deep breaths, Bakugo, you can do it. We don't have to talk when I get there, but I do have to make sure you're okay."

Guilt wells up in his chest along with the anxiety and pain. Aizawa is coming all the way over here because Bakugo decided to be mentally unstable.

"Bakugo?"

The blond is stressed now. How is he supposed to unmute himself and answer his teacher normally when he can't even imagine what a normal response would be?

"I understand your grief right now, but I need you to answer me. You're awfully quiet."

The tone of Mr. Aizawa's voice is tense. He sounds stressed out, too, and for good reason. He thinks that right now his student is on the verge of a suicide attempt. It's probably not something to brag about, but if Bakugo were to try and kill himself, he would 100% succeed.

He has no doubt in his mind that if he was trying to die, he sure as hell wouldn't be telling his teacher he doesn't know if he feels alright.

Not even okay or good. No. He doesn't even know if he feels alright.

"If you don't know what to say, I'll just ask you yes or no questions. Simple. Can you do that?" Already starting off, he realizes.

After clearing his throat, he unmutes and answers the man.

"Yeah."

It's all he can manage. He can't come up with something to explain that he's fine. He doesn't know how he would go about admitting he's falling apart. And he sure as hell has no idea how to fall into the in between of those two options where he admits he's not doing okay but able to lie about falling apart.

"Does the square root of 900 equal 30?"

Obviously. He's not fucking stupid.

"Yes," he answers, definitely over this little episode he's having. It's not over, but he's sure as hell over it.

"Is 64 to the second power equal to 3,844?"

Bakugo hears commotion on Aizawa's end, probably his classmates which means he's at the dorm already.

"No," Bakugo answers. He didn't feel like doing all the math, but already, he knew that four times four is 16 so the number has to end with 6.

3,844 does not end in six.

"Great. I'm on your floor now. Should I just walk in?"

"Yeah."

Bakugo has his door locked, but for safety purposes, Aizawa has a skeleton key for all of the student's dorms.

Apparently, only he and the principal have one for their class.

The call ends and he hears the man unlocking the door before light shines into the room from the hallway. It's dark in his room because of the blackout curtains. The top half of his face sticks out from under his blanket and he looks at the man with dull eyes.

Aizawa doesn't say a thing until the door is closed and locked behind him.

"You don't look so great, kid."

Usually, Bakugo would find that amusing.

"You're being honest with me when you say you haven't done anything to hurt yourself, right?"

The man stares intently at Bakugo, making sure he's not lying.

"I haven't done anything."

He doesn't yell. He can't. Not without feeling like he's going to get swallowed up by the ground because of his despair.

"Is it alright if I just sit here? You can sleep or just do whatever, but I want to be here for you, kid. You deserve to have someone here for you."

Bakugo's panic fades away into nothing. Absolutely nothing. He feels void of anything, and for some reason, maybe it's the switch from 100 to 0 so fast, but the emptiness feels worse.

So when he answers the man, all he can say is, "Okay."

Then he's turning on his back and staring at the ceiling.

He doesn't even feel like cooking.

Can't even muster up the encouragement to pick up his phone and tell Iida that dinner is free for all.

He doesn't even have the energy to tell the man right there just two yards away from him that he should tell the he class president that he's not going to make dinner.

All he does is sigh heavily and stare up at the ceiling.

Honestly, having the man here is beyond helpful. He feels a thousand times less likely to do anything to himself because of his presence.

Although that's true, it doesn't stop the numb feeling that he's suffering from.

The ceiling is probably feeling more than he is right now. How sad is that? Katsuki Bakugo feels less emotion than a ceiling. It's beyond stupid and Bakugo feels like an idiot for even thinking it.

He feels more than the ceiling in the physical aspect, though. His whole body aches and he's sick of only feeling that.

Aizawa just looks over at him every now and then, looking up from his folder where he's probably grading papers. He's got the lamp on so he can see in the dark room.

Bakugo remembers doing a paper for heroics a while back and since he got it done early, he turned it in as soon as he finished it.

That's probably what the man is grading now.

The blond wonders if it was one of the assignments he did when he was not doing so great and he really hopes it isn't.

After a while of just staring at the ceiling, Bakugo is startled by Aizawa talking.

"Bakugo? I apologize for imposing on your quiet time, but I want to ask something. I know I said we didn't have to talk and I'd just be here, but were you planning on making dinner?"

Bakugo's drags his eyes away from the ceiling and looks at his teacher. He feels slow and sluggish when he does, but he tries not to pay it any mind.

Talking feels impossible, so he just shakes his head.

"Does the class know?"

Again, he just shakes his head and the man nods. "Okay. Thank you for answering me."

Getting that the conversation is over, Bakugo lets his eyes go back to the ceiling.

The white, boring ceiling.

"Did you want to talk?" The man asks him.

Bakugo swallows and it feels rough since he hasn't eaten or drank anything in- He doesn't know. Just hasn't eaten or drank anything in a while.

"No," he croaks out, "sorry."

He doesn't look at the man when he answers, but he knows that the man wasn't expecting him to. At least, he doesn't think the man was waiting for him to look at him.

"It's alright, Bakugo. You're doing your best and that's all I can ask of you. You're very strong and I'm proud to be your teacher. Keep doing your best."

The man's voice is calm and encouraging. Usually, Bakugo would find it condescending, but he doesn't feel like feeling offended or attacked. He just doesn't feel like feeling anything. As dumb as it sounds, Bakugo doesn't want to feel anything.

He just stares up at his ceiling for who knows how long.

~~~~~

He'd fallen asleep at some point apparently because the next thing he knows is that Aizawa is waking him up.

At first, he's confused because what the fuck is his teacher doing here, but then he remembers. He finds himself not caring that he'd admitted not doing so well.

Just now the man is shaking him awake with one hand and holding a plate of food with the other and as Bakugo goes to sit up, he feels the pain in his body. It shocks him at first because he'd forgotten about it, so his wince alerts the man.

"What's wrong?"

Bakugo just shakes his head, continuing to sit up and grabs the plate from the man even though he doesn't feel hungry.

Before speaking, Bakugo clears his throat, unsure of how his voice will sound. "Just sore."

He sounds normal. That's good.

At his words, though, Aizawa frowns and gets a serious look on his face. He'd gone from worried to serious too quickly and with the smell of the food overwhelming him, the blond feels himself get a little sick.

"On that note, I got the footage from the gym and saw that you'd been running for almost seven hours, kid. I know you're having a hard time, but that isn't healthy. That's you hurting yourself."

The blond looks down at his food, seeing that it's just rice and fish.

Still, the smell makes him sick and he grimaces, turning his face away from the plate as he tells the man the truth.

"I didn't know it was that long. I thought I was there for an hour," he says, voice low.

His stomach churns at the thought of the food on the plate in his hands. He swallows thickly as saliva starts filling his mouth.

As the feeling of nausea starts tugging at his stomach, he covers his mouth in panic and tries to hand over the plate of food to his teacher, hoping he gets it away from him.

Fuck.

He feels the man grab the plate from him as he chokes down a gag, shaking his head to will the queasy feeling away.

"Bakugo, are you alright?"

Shaking his head, Bakugo tries to breathe through the horrible pang in his gut. He better not throw up. He fucking hates throwing up. He especially hates throwing up in front of other people, more specifically, adults.

He hears the man shuffling around as he closes his eyes and tries to calm down. Then the shuffling dies down when Aizawa sits by Bakugo's bed again, the smell of fish and rice less intense. He might've thrown up if he had to keep breathing in the pungent fish smell.

"That- I don't know why I felt so sick from the smell. I don't feel good."

The pain all over his body, the tug of wanting to puke, and the emptiness in his chest makes him uncomfortable. He just wants to go back to bed.

When he finally looks at the man after what feels like hours, his sensei just stares right back.

"I put the food by the door so it was away from you. Are you okay now? Do you still need to vomit? I can get your trash can."

Bakugo shakes his head in refusal, "I don't feel like throwing up anymore. And about the treadmill thing, I think I blanked because one moment I was deep in thought, and the next, I was tripping and cutting up my hands."

Aizawa listens to what he says before he speaks, small frown adorning his face. "When was the last time you ate? Have you been having these blackouts recently?"

It's only two questions but Bakugo doesn't know how to answer either one for different reasons. He can't actually remember the last time he ate, but he's not hungry so that must mean he's fine. Now the question about the blackouts is tricky. He had some a while back and then they stopped and then started back up recently.

Bakugo is still just seated awkwardly in his bed because his body hurts. It's annoying and it makes him feel uncomfortable about the conversation taking place. He feels too exposed and open.

But he takes a deep breath and exhales calmly.

"I can't remember the last time I ate, honestly. I didn't eat last night because I wasn't hungry and I don't remember eating breakfast or lunch yesterday. I've- I don't know. I haven't felt hungry," he admits quietly.

It's humiliating to admit these things. He feels weak and helpless.

"I see. I appreciate your honesty. Now what about the blackouts?"

The blond sighs, looking away from the man. "I had a few a while back. Then they went away for a bit and started back up recently I guess. I don't know what to do."

He hates the blackouts. He loses hours of the day. In the moment he comes out of one, he feels grateful he made it through the day, but then he doesn't know what happened in that time, so days later he's wondering what he missed.

It's all confusing and he doesn't know what to do.

"Let's focus on your eating habits. I understand that you don't feel hungry. That's a part of the grief. It's natural, okay?"

He doesn't continue until he gets some acknowledgment from the blond. Once Bakugo gets that, he nods, still not looking at Aizawa.

Then the man continues talking, "Good. I just need you to know. Now, although you don't feel hungry, you still have to eat. Three times a day is preferable, but if you're having reactions like the one just now, once a day is okay, too. It's just best to eat what you can. Even if it's a little."

That sounds hard. Especially if he's having blackouts.

Bakugo doesn't voice his concerns. He just waits for the man to continue after he nods.

"About the blackouts, though. Have you talked about them to Hound Dog?"

The blond shakes his head.

"Because I don't know how to help with the blackouts, you should probably go to him about those and tell him about them. While you're at it, tell him about the lack of hunger because I'm sure I have no idea how to help with that either."

Despite all the serious talk which is starting to pull Bakugo from the numbness, he feels a little bit relieved. It's refreshing to know that Aizawa doesn't know everything.

It's nice to know that Bakugo isn't alone in being completely clueless.

"Alright, teach. I'll try."

But honestly, he has no idea where to start.

***
Word Count: 3388
Good news yall I didn't lose power in my house🗣️ anyway I'm going ahead and making longer chapters. I should've been writing longer ones already and idk why I'd didn't. Since I'm only posting once a week, that should be manageable. It's just this one and the next one that have 3,000 words, but the other chapters I have written after that already have 4000+ words. Also get ready for more tdbk content 🗣️‼️ i hope y'all liked this chapter. The next one will go up next Sunday at 11:30 pm central time. I love you all and tysm for reading <3