P A R K E R

18 | so bad

MY POOR TOYOTA came to a slow stop at the place I decided to park. With my hands on the steering wheel, I looked past the glass with the aid of my front lights blaring at the entire graveyard. I wondered for a brief moment if I had startled the sleeping souls and mentally apologized to them.

I don't know why but for some reason I prefer coming here at night. The yard was always peaceful, night or day but there's just something about the night. Maybe at this time, I feel closer to Bryce. If ghost or spirits exist, I'm guessing they would probably show themselves at night rather than day. Not that I'm counting on seeing Bryce or anything. Sigh.

I reach for my touch light and bunch of lilies. They are my favourite flowers. Bryce never said he liked any particular flowers but he always said, "whatever you like, I do to". I don't think he's spirit self has changed. I hope not. I lock up my car, look around me before heading for the rusty, creaking iron gate. Everywhere is silent and I don't really need the touch light, the full moon is doing it's job real well.

I walk straight, making sure I don't step on anybody's stone and if I accidentally do, I apologize immediately. When I finally arrive Bryce's spot, my breath gets caught up. I read the words on his headstone.

Bryce Grant Bryan

Loving son and boyfriend

1998 - 2017

I sigh and lower myself to the ground. After reading the headstone over and over, I use my palm to wipe on it. I push off all the fallen dry leaves and take out as much dust as I can. Then I place the Lillie's on top and watch. I watch and watch, nothing happens. I don't really know if I expect something to happen or what exactly I expect to happen but after about ten minutes or more, I croak out—

"Hi." My voice is super dry and I swallow saliva before going on. "Long time, no see." I smile. "Well, I saw you recently but that's just my mind conjuring you up. Does that sound weird? It's weird." I agree. "But you know what's weirder? How real it is. You do everything you usually do. Even your voice is the same and you say the exact things you would. Or in this case, what I think you would. The doctors say its not healthy to create another you in my head but it's not like that. They don't understand."

I pick a stalk of lily up. "You've been with me all my life. It's hard not having you around. I didn't know what it's like living without you and now I'm forced to do it. Its really really hard. You were always there. We were a duo. Bryce and Parker, a pair of socks." I chuckle. "I know. Socks? Who the hell compares themselves to socks?"

I tasted salt on my lips and my hands automatically went up to wipe my eyes. "Oh and Sean's back. I know right, unbelievable. Who would have thought? Of all the times he choose to come home, its now. I'm still mad at him but he's different now you know. He's nicer to me. Its like something in him has snapped. He's also team quarterback. Blake was doing awful without you. And yea, Riley is still a bitch. I also made a new friend, Clementina." I laugh. "Don't tell her I said that. She's fun, different and I don't think she's the kind to run away when I tell her to."

Silence.

I run my hand over my face, trying to stop the tears. "I can't do this. Come back. I'm sorry. I'd rather suffer from my food poisoning forever than to have you die. Please come back. Tell me this was all a really bad nightmare. Please. Please." I didn't even know I was hitting my fist on the gravestone until a sharp pain coursed through my bones, shaking my whole being. I watched my hand, it throbbed but that just pushed me to hit it more. I continued hitting and hitting ignoring the numbing pain. It's like I'm punishing myself, just like with the mirror and wrist incident and it wasn't enough. Not nearly, someone died because of me.

"Stop."

I shook my head, hoping to drive his voice out. He's not real anyway, he's all in my head. "No, I deserve this."

"Stop." The voice repeated and I just ignored him. "Parker, would you fucking stop!"

And I did.

Not because he told me to but because it wasn't him. Bryce never calls me 'Parker' and now that I think about it. This voice sounded way more real. Way more deep and rich. And way more pained. Sean?

No way.

I slowly turn around and there he was, looking down at me. The moon shining brightly on him, illuminating his features. His eyes. Hair, nose, jaw line. I can't believe he's here. How long? Why? Sean takes a step closer and I can clearly see his hardened bright features. He looked angry but more pained. Like he was hurt somewhere. Like he wanted to punch something. And the same time, crumble.

Before my brain could formulate a question or anything. I broke down, I looked away from Sean, curling my body and my hurting hand and broke down in tears. It was too much. Soon I felt strong warm hands – despite the cold environment – wrap around me. I sunk into Sean's embrace. Crying some more and soaking up his scent. I don't know who long I cried but Sean's scent of Cologne, aftershave and fresh laundry had the magical calming effect, coupled with his warmth.

I eventually stopped crying but Sean didn't release me and I had no plans on leaving. Crickets chirped, owls cried and I'm pretty sure I heard a Coyote howl.

"It's not your fault." I heard Sean whisper, his arms tightening. "It's isn't."

I'm not sure whether I believed him or not. What I'm sure of however is that something has definitely changed between us. Under the full moon, right on Bryce's spot, surrounded by many other gravestones and animal sounds, in the silence of the cold night - something changed. If my light was a series this is the part where the episode would end with some heart warming music.

O_o

I dozed in and out of sleep on the ride home and when Sean finally stopped in front of my house, I just sat in the car in silence, looking over at my house. The living room light was still on so Trey must still be awake, waiting for me. If he sees me like this, he'd freak.

"Want to come over?" Sean asked breaking the silence. "I made some chicken soup and Margret has these calming ginseng tea. Works like magic."

I nod. "Yes, please."

That's the first thing he has said to me since we left the cemetery. I appreciate the silence more than anything and truth be told Sean's the only one who can offer me silence in a time like this. Any other person would have talked my ear off.

He drove the car into his driveway and once we're packed, we both got into the car and silently entered into the house. Sean turned on the lights and after pressing on a remote control, music came blaring out, startling me to my bones.

Sean turned to me with a sheepish smile. "Sorry." He lowered the volume and started walking into the kitchen. I followed right behind him. I saw him turn on the oven, bring out something from the fridge and put inside the oven. Then he started cutting vegetables, while I sat on a bar stool and watched him. Once the oven beeped, he brought out the plate, poured its content into a bowl and poured the vegetables into it.

Sean passed the steaming bowl to me and placed his palms face down on the counter. I looked from the bowl to him, it smelled great and I'm sure it tasted great to but could I stomach it?

"Eat." Sean finally said, not giving me an option.

I gulped. "Can I have water first?"

Sean shook his head and rounded the corner, pulling a stool so he was sitting beside me. "Eat first."

"Sean, I might throw up." I confessed, my eyes pleading with him.

"It's chicken soup." Sean said, pulling the bowl to him and stirring it. "Even your stomach can't say no to Chicken soup." He smiled and scooped out a spoon, bringing it closer to me.

My lips twitched up and I shook my head. He can't seriously want to feed me. What am I two years old now? "Sean, I--"

"Parker." Sean placed his hand over mine, the one I'm sure its broken. I flinch away in pain and he grimaced, "sorry." He ran his hand through his hair. "You have to eat. You look drained and about to faint. The sandwich was a bad idea but Chicken soup, chicken soup is great and with me feeding you, nothing can go wrong."

I roll my eyes, "how helpful."

He replied with a wink and raised a spoon full of soup again. "Ahh."

I purse my lips for second then humor him by opening up my mouth, without more objections. Sean grins like a kid who has been given candy as he feeds me. As suspected, the soup was delicious and I didn't throw up. He feeds me some more and when it gets too weird for me, I drag the spoon off him, feeding myself.

Sean leaves me and go upstairs. I gargle down the soup, it's actually really appetising and I'm surprised. Halfway through, I start feeling hungry and the feeling brings a smile to my face. What does this mean?

Sean comes down again with a new shirt and a first aid box. He waits until I'm done eating before taking the bowl and dumping it into the sink, then passed a bottle of water to me.

"Thank you." I say gulping down the water contents. Sean comes to my side again and takes his previous position.

He carefully lifts my injured hand and places it on the counter. Now that I finally look at it, I see that its a bit swollen and red under. I can't believe I did this to myself. I'm not well.

"Stupid girl." Sean breathes out, glaring at the first aid box as he surfed through it.

"Is it broken?" I carefully asks, afraid of the answer.

Sean shrugs. "I'll bandage it up and if it still hurts in the morning, we'll go to a hospital."

We?

I look away from my hand and to Sean. He has a frown set as he rubs some lube on my hand. I don't even register the pain because I'm too busy staring at him. Why is he doing all these? Why was he there? Is this really the same Sean that ignored me for three years?

"What were you doing over there?" My voice asks instead. Sean doesn't look at me.

"The same thing you were."

I nod. I guess he also came to see his beloved cousin.

"Did you hear?" I hesitantly ask, quite afraid of the answer. What I thought was just I and Bryce's time may not have been.

"Hear what?" He asks picking my hand up the counter. A white bandage on his other hand.

"Me. How long where you there?"

He shrugs again. "I don't know. I believe I walked in when you said 'he's nice to me'." His eyes flicked up to me but it lasts barely a second.

"Oh." I blush, looking down as he covers my whole palm in white. "Why didn't you say something?"

"I didn't want to interrupt." He finishes up and looks at me. "Parker, this is the first time you've done this right?"

My heart skips, I'm pretty sure my skin flushes and I hold my breath. "Done what?"

"Lost it and hurt yourself." Sean answers bluntly, his unwavering gaze on me.

I sigh. I want to lie but I can't bring myself to start. Plus I've already lied and that's enough. "No."

I see a vein on his neck pulse sharply as he runs a hand through his hair. "Parker--"

"Sean, please don't." I stop him before he even starts. "Not today."

"Fine but we're talking about this." He says and I nod in agreement.

I text Trey that I'll be staying over at a friends. I don't know if it's safe to say Sean's name yet. If I go home, Trey would surely see my wrapped up hand and that's it for me. Its safer here.

My eyes scan Sean's room. I had the choice to stay at Margaret's or Bryce's room but I chose Sean. I can't stay at Bryce's, I won't sleep all night. It also doesn't feel good to stay at Margaret's without her permission. That only leaves Sean and I love his room. Its kinda big and white. White carpet, white curtains, white sheets, even white door. He must love cleaning. Its impossible for me to maintain all these white.

"Um, here's a shirt." Sean says throwing me a black shirt after going through his drawer for close to five minutes. I catch the shirt and instinctively take a whiff of it. It smells just like him – fresh laundry and Cologne. "If you don't like it," Sean starts saying examining my face with nervous frown. "I could bring over one from-"

"Its okay." I say with a smile. "Stop being so nervous. We're sharing a shirt, not blood."

He sighs and throws me clean shorts. "You have no idea what sharing a shirt means to me." Before I could reply on that, he pointed to the bathroom. "Go get changed. You're up past your bed time."

"I don't have a bed time." I grumble walking to the bathroom. Yes, I do– ten pm.

"Yes you do. What's it again, seven pm?"

"Shut up asshole."

Sean gasps, "I'll tell your mum on you, baby Parker."

I flip him off before entering the bathroom. Once I'm shut behind the doors, I smile.

When I come out the bathroom, I see Sean already adorning plaid pajama pants with a grey shirt. His bicep bulging as he types on his phone. "Where are you going to sleep?" I ask.

He looks up and takes a full minute to look at me from head to toe. I blush and look anywhere else but him. I'm just wearing a big shirt, big short. I've washed my face thoroughly and my hair is up in a ponytail. Why is he looking at me like I'm in a prom dress?

"Where else?"

"Huh?" I ask snapping my eyes back to him with a raised brow.

Sean looks back to his phone. "Go to sleep, Parker."

I snort at him. "You better not come near me."

He doesn't reply and I tuck myself into the super comfortable bed. Sean doesn't move from his standing position until about five minutes. Then he turns off the lights. I don't realize I'm holding my breath until the door opens and closes. I sigh out and pout, sagging into the pillow.

I guess he's not sleeping here after all. I gasp at my thought and slap myself. Parker, what's wrong with you? Did you actually want him to sleep here?

My question is answered when I hear the door open up and close again. I don't even hear his footsteps. I only feel the bed dip, the comforter rise and finally the warm body next to mine. I don't say anything and neither does Sean. I can hear my heart beat and hear both our breathings.

"You smell good." Sean says, "I couldn't miss out on that."

I scoff but it nearly turns to a choke as I feel him move closer and his heavy arm wound around me, pulling me closer until my back hits his front. I don't breath and I'm close to a heart attack but then I feel Sean's breath fanning my neck and I slowly relax. The hand I once thought heavy, now extremely comfortable.

"Don't hurt yourself again, Parker." Sean whispered, his voice husky.

I nod and I don't know if he sees it or not. I think about us now and us then. One question pops out. "Why? Why did you leave?"

Silence.

I start thinking that maybe he has already fallen asleep, until—

"Not today."

•  •  •

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Peace!