JOHN PAUL

The month and a half that has followed after losing the baby has been hard. 

Very hard.

I feel helpless not knowing what I could do to help Stella. From what I can see, she's gone through the all of the stages of grief, but lingers in between denial and anger the most. And no one has been the exception on being on the receiving end of her anger. Including any of the men, or even the kids, unfortunately. They've been steering clear of her lately. 

Except for Toby. 

When she walks in a room he always goes to her and holds her hand or climbs on her lap and just sits with her. We never did get the chance to tell Lola or Tobin that we were going to have a baby; Stella wanted to wait until the twelve week scan.

She cries for hours at night after she thinks I've fallen asleep. And when she doesn't sleep she usually goes to the gym and then I find her sleeping in the family room in the mornings.

As for me, I try to stay as busy as I can to keep my mind off of things when I'm not home. Putting invisible bandages over the gaping hole I feel where my heart has been ripped out. Things were postponed a couple of weeks after we lost the baby, but now I'm pushing everything forward and putting a lot of focus on taking down the Albanians.  

Everything is set up to go after the next couple of days. I know this won't be the only enemies we will ever have to face, but for now, I want to end this feud once and for all. 

But my focus is on getting through the night. It's Thanksgiving and I have no idea how it's going to go. 

"You ready, princess?" I question walking out of the closet as I work on my tie. Stella is sitting in the chair near the window, with a sad expression on her face, watching the snow fall outside.

She doesn't respond and I walk over to her placing my hand on her shoulder. She jumps at the contact. "Sorry, I asked if you are ready." 

She looks up at me, her eyes are watery but she blinks quickly and smiles. "Sure." 

I give her my hand and she takes it as I help her stand and then I wrap my arms around her. I try not to feel hurt as she stiffens in my arms. "I love you, Stella." She nods against my chest. I kiss her head and move my arm around her waist as we walk out of the room together.

"Did you want to come to the meeting on Monday?"

Again, she doesn't respond. "Baby?"

"Huh?" She looks at me. 

"Did you want to come to the meeting on Monday?"

"If you want me there." 

"Do you want to be there?" I ask.

"If you need me there." 

"Stella, it's not about what I want or need. I mean, I'd like you to be there if you feel ready." I explain. 

As we come to the entrance of dining room, the excited chatter coming from within reaches us and she stops before we go in. 

"I don't need you pressuring me to go, John Paul," her eyes hardened. 

"I wasn't, I'm not." 

"Then quit badgering me about it," She takes a deep breath, pressing her hands to her face before she looks back at me. "I'm sorry. I'll go when I need to; you have everything under control." She surprises me when she brings my hand to her lips, placing a soft kiss on the back of my hand. 

I take the opportunity to cup her face gently. She looks back at me anxiously and I lean down to kiss her forehead. I don't want to push her too fast considering she feels like I'm pestering her. 

"You look beautiful, amore," I tell her as I take her hand and she gives me a small smile. 

"Ready?" She nods back in response. We turn and walk into dining room and all the excited chatter stops instantly. I can hear Stella's breathing change so I squeeze her hand reassuringly. Isabella stands and embraces Stella for a moment then kisses her face. "You look beautiful, Stellina mia."

"So do you, mamma." 

I lead Stella to our usual seats and pull her chair out for her. I notice her hand shakes as she reaches for a glass of water on the table. There's a few minutes of awkward silence as the staff finishes setting all of the food on the table.

I stand clearing my throat to grab everyone's attention. "I want to welcome everyone to our thanksgiving dinner tonight. This...this has been a hard year. We lost loved ones...but despite the heart break and tragic events that we've experienced, we still have a lot to be thankful for.  

We've found and connected with old and new friends. I want to encourage you all to always find something to be thankful for everyday. It's not always easy, but I promise you will find something to be thankful for if you look for it. 

I'm grateful for each of you and what you bring into my life. Even you Enzo." The kids laugh, while he flips me off, trying to be discreet by scratching the side of his head with his middle finger. 

I reach for my glass of wine. "In all seriousness, I love you all and look forward to many years together. Salud!" I raise my glass and the adults mimic me while the kids pick up their glasses of water or juice doing the same.

"Does anyone want to say grace?" I ask looking around. Cristian clears his throat and volunteers. He's never once offered during our family dinners, and by the looks of him tugging at the collar on his dress shirt, he's uncomfortable. 

"Our father in heaven, we thank you for all of our blessings. For each day we are able to spend with those we love, to remember those who are no longer with us, and for new friends we encounter. 

"We are grateful for the food that we are about to eat and for the hands that prepared it. We are grateful for this country we live in and the freedoms we enjoy. We ask thee to bless each of us with our own personal struggles and trials and we give this prayer in thanks in Jesus' name. Amen."

"Amen" Everyone joins in. Isabella smiles proudly at Cristian and kisses his cheek.

"Nonno, you forgot to bless Stella," Lola says and everyone looks between her and Stella. "You forgot to ask God to make Stella to be happy again." 

"Lola, you can't ask to make someone happy. Remember mama always said it was a choice." Carmen comments. I watch Stella's shoulders move with each quick breath she takes as she inhales and exhales. 

"But why would Stella choose to be sad and mad all the time?" Lola questions before she takes a bite of a roll. The tension is growing thick in the room. 

"Lola, after dinner you want to watch Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving?" Miles jumps in to steer the conversation else where. 

"Can we make a fort?" Lola asks enthusiastically, thankfully distracted from her previous question.

"Duh, there's no better way to watch a movie." Miles grins back at her. 

"I don't get it," Carmen states almost defiantly. I grind my teeth to keep myself form lashing out at her. Remembering she's just a kid. "Why do we have to pretend like we don't see Stella is mad, angry or sad. Or doesn't want to be around us anymore?" 

"Carmen." I say her name firmly. 

"It's not fair! She tells us to talk and let our feelings out and not keep things from each other, but we don't know what's going on. It's like we can't be ourselves because we don't know how she's going to be every day. Why won't someone tell us what's going on?"

"Enough Carmen!" Lucy yells at her uncharacteristically. 

"Okay, everyone needs stop and take a breath," I tell them. 

"No, JP." Stella looks at me. "Carmen's right. I haven't been myself." She looks over at Carmen. "I'm sorry Carmen. You should never feel like you can't be yourself especially at home. I uh...the older kids know but we didn't want to scare you--Carmen, Lola or Toby. But um..." Her voice shakes and I reach over to take her hand in mine. 

"JP and I were going to have a baby, but..." She wipes at the tears flowing from her eyes. "I..I lost the baby." 

"Where did it go?" Lola's voice is sad and quiet. 

Stella covers her mouth as she sobs and I pull her over to me to hold her and she buries her face in my chest as she cries. 

"She means the baby died Lola; the same thing happened to mama before Toby," Carmen tells her and I had no idea that Tobias and Melanie went through that. 

I watch as Lola climbs off her chair and makes her way over to us. "I'm sorry Stella," Lola leans to hug Stella on my lap. "Mamma and papa will take good care of your baby until we can all be together again. Just like you are taking care of us for them." I wipe at my own face and Stella leans away from me to hug Lola.

"Thank you, Lola." Stella tells her quietly and then cups her face as she kisses her forehead. 

Carmen comes over next. "I'm sorry, too, Stella." She hugs her tightly. "I love you and I hope you know you are already a great mom. And JP is a good dad, too." 

"Thanks, Car. I'm sorry, too." Stella tells her, tucking some of Carmen's hair behind her ear and caresses her face. Stella gives a shuddering breath and then I feel some tugging on the back of her dress and I look behind her and see Toby. 

Stella moves on my lap to face Tobin as he climbs on the chair she was sitting in. "Sella sad?" 

"I'm okay, Toby," Stella sniffles. 

"I make Sella happy." He smiles at her and no one could have expected what happened next. He picks up a handful mashed potatoes from a dish and smears it down his face and laughs like it's the funniest thing in the world.

And it works. 

Stella chuckles before she's laughing really hard and when she's wiping her eyes, I know it's from laughter and not sadness. She picks up Toby, not caring that she gets mashed potatoes on her or her dress or on me for that matter and hugs him, kissing his face. He looks at me over her shoulder giving me a toothy grin. 

"Thank you, Toby. I love you." She nuzzles him and then he leans away. 

"Welcome, love you!" He responds and he kisses her lips hard. 

"Alright, that's enough Tobin," I joke with a serious a tone. 

"My sella," Tobin tells me and possessively wraps his little arms around her neck. 

"Just until dinner's over, Toby," I respond smiling at the scowl on his little face. "Then she's all mine." Stella moves off my lap taking Toby with her back to her chair.

The rest of dinner goes on without any other dramatic events. Well, other than Enzo and Topo fighting over breaking the wishbone of the turkey. I look down when I feel Stella's hand come over mine. I raise my eyes to look back at her and she smiles back at me and mouths the words, I love you. 

I smile back at her and bring her hand to my lips and kiss the back of her hand. 

Later that night, when I walk out of the bathroom, I notice Stella is not dressed in her usual T-shirt and shorts sleep wear. She's looking at her phone but my eyes travel over the emerald green satin lace trim gown she's wearing. 

I take my watch off setting it on the night stand and pull the covers back. I pull my hair out of the bun I have it in when my phone chimes and I sit down on the side of the bed to look over a message from Adonis, giving me a report of the upcoming schedule for deliveries in New York. 

I respond quickly and then I feel Stella's fingertips trail up my back then down my arms and back up before she leans against me as she wraps her arms around my shoulders. Tracing open mouth kisses along my neck. "JP," She hums my name. "I need you." 

I pull her over me from behind and set her on my lap. "I'm right here, princess." I inhale deeply as runs her fingers through my hair and tugs my head back to look at me.

"Make love to me, John Paul." 

I look back at her, unsure how to respond. "Is...isn't it...too soon?"

"No. At my four week check up a couple of weeks ago the Dr. said, we could pick up being intimate as long as I had my first cycle and there wasn't any complications. You know Aunt Flow was here last week, so now...I'm good to go." She changes positions and hikes up the night gown to straddle me. 

"But...are you...ready, princess?" 

A flash of anger crosses her features before she moves off of my lap and goes to her side of the bed. "Nevermind." 

"No, Stella, I want to." 

She scoffs as she pulls the covers back over herself. "I just threw myself at you and you did nothing." 

I sight frustrated. "Stella, I just want to make sure you really want to because you haven't let me touch you and I get it. But you flinch when I try to hold you at night, and you stiffen when I've hugged you. I can't fucking read your mind." 

"Don't fucking talk to me like that, John Paul!" She yells and climbs out of our bed angrily, snatching her robe at the end of the bed and putting it on hurriedly before grabbing a pillow and making her way out of the room, but I stop her. 

"We're not doing this, Stella. We're not going back to how we acted when we were younger. I just want you to talk to me. Tell me what's going on in here?" I caress her head and she slaps my hand away. 

"I have told you, you're just not listening!" She screams at me. I take a few deep breaths before I respond. 

"You tell me you're fine, when it's obvious you're not. That is not talking," I tell her calmly. 

"What do you want from me JP!" She shouts and I feel myself go over the edge. "I answer your questions and it's not good enough for you!"

And then I lose it. 

"Not once have you asked me how I'm feeling or doing! Not once have you thought about how I've felt losing another baby! I would have told you I've felt helpless and useless watching you grieve and suffer in silence!" I shout back at her. 

"And just like you fucking pointed out, I felt awful not being here, again! If I was here maybe something could have been done!" I turn away and in my rage punch the wall. 

I stand there panting and shaking from the anger still running through me. The guilt becoming overwhelmingly too much so that it feels like I'm suffocating. 

I startle when I feel her arms come around me and she kisses my back softly before she hugs me. "I'm so sorry, John Paul. I'm sorry." 

She moves around sliding her arms along my waist as she comes to stand in front of me now. Her eyes are red from the tears that are still falling. Her chin quivers as she reaches up to brush her lips on mine lightly. "I should have asked you how you are doing, but I was so consumed in my heartache. I know this hurt you as much as it did me." More tears spill over, down her face. 

I walk us back to our bed and I pick her up setting her down over our bed and then climb in next to her. "If I could take away all of your pain I would, princess." 

She turns over and lays her head on my chest. "You told me that once before," She sniffles, "when Pop was killed." 

"I meant it then just like I do now." 

She turns her face and kisses my chest. "I know, John Paul." 

"I love you, princess. I can't remember a time when I didn't and I will always love you, no matter what happens." I move to lay her back. 

I kiss her softly, pressing my lips against hers. I take my time moving my mouth over hers slowly. Her tongue skims over my lip and I stroke my tongue against hers lightly. She moans into my mouth and I run my hand down over her body, pulling at the material of the night gown until my hand meets the soft skin of her thigh and I realize this all she is wearing. 

She leans forward and slips it up and over her head, then pulls me back down on top of her, kissing me again. "Please hurry, JP." She pants. 

I push her legs open with my knees and her hands move down to tug my boxer briefs off of me. "I don't want to rush this, baby," I kiss down her throat and take her breasts in my mouths. 

"I need you, JP," She pleads.

I slide my hand down over her stomach feeling how ready she is and she lifts her hips against my hand. I grab myself to position myself at her entrance and then push into her slowly. She gasps quietly but moves her hips to meet mine, to encourage me to go deeper. 

I slide into her more and she wraps her legs around my waist. The heels of her feet digging into my back from the pressure she's using. I move in and out of her slowly as I kiss her and I break the kiss to look at her. 

Her eyes are closed as she moans and bites her lip. She drags her nails down my arms. "Open your eyes, princess." I grunt and her eyes snap open as she looks up at me, her legs are beginning to tremble. 

"You're my everything," I tell her. 

"And you're mine." She responds and I feel as she tightens around my dick and groans from the orgasm coursing through her. 

I lower myself and then pull her to come with me as I'm now on my back and she's on top. Her long hair falls over one of her shoulders. Her eyes are hooded as she looks at me and she rolls her hips over me slowly at first but then picks up the pace. 

I sit up and kiss her chest and her neck and she wraps her arms around me, biting and kissing my shoulders and then my neck. "I'm close, baby." I rasp knowing I'm fucking going to explode soon. 

And when she clenches on me, I let go, too. She throws her head back while I suckle on her breasts and kiss her neck before I grab her head to kiss her hungrily. I lay her back down and kiss her softly as I withdraw from her slowly and then then kiss her again. 

I know she's spent, from not sleeping well compounded with being emotionally and physically exhausted. I bring a warm cloth with me after I clean up and clean her up gently, too. "Thank you, JP," She whispers. 

When I come back to the bed, I pull her close to me. "Go to sleep, baby." 

I feel myself start to drift when I hear her talking. "I'm sorry I can't give you a baby, John Paul." 

I sit up and lean over her. She's crying and wipes at her eyes. "And I'm scared I won't ever be able to," she tells me quietly. "I want to give you a baby so badly."

"Stella," I wipe her face gently and caress her cheek. "You don't need to give me a baby. You are enough, princess. Just you. You know I love you even if we can't have children of our own, don't you?"

She sobs, "But you've always wanted a big family. And...I might not be able to have your baby." 

"Hey," I grab her hand and then reach up to move her face to look at me. "We do have a big family. It may not be what we had talked about, but they're ours. And Carmen is right. You are a great mom, Stella. And as long as we are together, I will never be left wanting more. You are everything I want, amore. Please believe that." 

I pull her close to me kissing her forehead softly. She exhales a shuddering breath. "I love you, John Paul. With all of my heart." 

*****