"Stop beating yourself up, Stella," Melanie tells me quietly.

"I can't," I wipe my eyes as a fresh set of tears fall. "I couldn't sleep last night imagining all the what if's, Mel," I tell her as I look out the window in her room.

"Come here, girly."

I glance back at her, and she pats the bed, wanting me to sit next to her. I move away from the window and sit on the bed, and she squeezes my hand. "Look at me, Stella."

Melanie smiles warmly at me as I look over at her.

"Parents make mistakes every day. And yes, sometimes, those mistakes are irreversible, and others are life-changing. Nothing happened to Tobin. Don't go down the rabbit hole of all the worse case scenarios, because trust me; you'll never stop falling if you do."

"I never told anyone this, not even Tobias," Melanie smiles shyly. "Guess I won't be dying with this secret, now," She jokes, and I smile.

"I forgot Marco at the store when he was three."

"What?" My eyes widen in disbelief.

"I didn't even notice until I had gotten home and went to take him out of his car seat," Melanie chuckles, lost in memory, "Oh man, that feeling in the pit of my stomach, realizing I had completely forgotten him," She shudders slightly.

"I was crying hysterically, driving back to the store. I was so panicked, and I didn't even think to call the store to make sure he was there. I ran in like a madwoman, screaming out his name. It still makes my heart race, thinking about it. I thought I was too late, and someone might have taken him, so trust me, I know exactly how you were and are feeling, Stella."

She chuckles again, and then it turns into a coughing fit. I wait until she settles down to offer her water. "Shit, that hurts," She mumbles after swallowing.

"Anyway, the point is. I didn't have Carmen, Lola, or Tobin, obviously. Just one kid, Stella, and I lost track of him. Not only that, but I completely forgot him. I felt like the worst mother on the planet. But here's the thing, I know you would die protecting and fighting for every single one of them. That's why I know everything will be fine."

"JP doesn't trust me with them."

"Don't worry about him; I'll handle that too hot for his own good, knucklehead," Mel winks at me. I laugh, leaning over and hug her. I sigh, saddened as I feel the bones on her back poke through her gown.

"Hi, Mamma!" Carmen, Lola walk in with Marco carrying Tobin.

"I gotta go meet with Dean and JP. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I tell Melanie. She nods at me as the girls jump on the bed. I run my fingers through Tobin's hair when I walk past him and Marco.

I take a deep breath when I shut the door behind me. Despite Melanie's encouraging words, I still feel like crap, and now, with the sleep deprivation, I'm exhausted.

I'm sure I look awful; I didn't even bother looking at myself when I got ready this morning, and I dragged my feet in getting here; mainly because I didn't want to have to see JP until it was necessary.

Last night I kept replaying the beach event and coming to the villa over and over in my head. The truth is, I don't know that I would have reacted any differently than JP if it was reversed, but the look in his eyes and the way he grabbed sent me back to the day in Timo's house when he told me it was over and he didn't love me anymore.

The old feelings came back full force, and it was hard to remember that he said he didn't mean those things, but I also expected better from him, considering our past.

Lost in my thoughts, I get turned around, in the maze inside this house, and had to backtrack until I finally come to JP's office. I knock, hoping that Dean is already in there, and I breathe a sigh of relief when Dean opens the door.

I avoid looking at JP, even though I can feel him watching me from his desk as I greet Dean.

"Rough night, Stella?" Dean asks, observing me.

"Not at all," I plaster a smile on my face as I tuck my wild hair behind my ears.

"Okay, let's begin," Dean sits down next to me, and JP moves from his desk and sits in the leather chair in front of me.

"I've made the revisions per JP's recent request for you both to look over," Dean informs.

I hate the tightness I feel in my chest, and my jaw muscles also feel strained and sore with the anxiety I feel. The emotions are still so fresh within me, and it doesn't help that my nerves are shot and frayed; I feel like I'm going to burst out crying at any given moment.

Dean hands JP a small stack of papers and another to me. The fluttering sound the forms make in my trembling hands causes me to set the documents down quickly on my lap while the intensity of JP's eyes burns through me.

"Are you sure you're okay, Stella? Do you want to do this later or another day?" Dean questions. I blink away the tears before I look at him.

"No."

"No, you're not okay?" Dean asks, concerned, which only makes me feel worse.

"No, I don't want to do this another day. I'm fine," I fight to keep my voice from shaking and look over the paper while trying to steady my racing heart and breathing.

I can see Dean look over at JP from the corner of my eye, and I assume JP gives him a signal or nod to proceed.

A heavyweight settles over me as I review the new detailed custody arrangement for the kids. Their time is broke down with me and JP and split times for holidays and birthdays.

JP has full custody, and they'll spend summer break with me; JP will have visitations then. The kids will spend the school year with him, where I'll have visitations during that time. I'm overcome with sadness and wonder if this is what it's like and what happens when parents divorce.

I skim over the glaring request from JP, for prior approval or authorization, on trips, outings to amusement parks, entertainment centers, etc., to ensure proper chaperones.

I vaguely hear Dean as he mentions we can alter the arrangements for special occasions if needed as long as we both agree.

"Do you have any issues, concerns, modifications, or amendments you'd like to address, negotiate now?" Dean asks me.

"No."

"Are...are you sure, because now would be a good time to hash out any--"

I cut him off, not wanting to be in the room longer than I need to be.

"No, Dean."

He hands me the original copy to sign. I hold the pen tightly to keep my hand from shaking as I sign my name; Dean then passes it to JP to sign. The scratching sound the pen makes as he signs his name next to mine sounds like it's coming through speakers in the room.

"Alright. With Marco graduating in a couple of years, we'll talk about his trust fund accounts and how you guys want to have his access to them around this time next year. Sound good?" Dean asks.

I nod and keep my eyes focused on the copy of the papers on my lap.

"Okay, well, that's all for today," Dean stands and extends his hand out to shake. I stand as well and shake his hand briefly and walk out of the office quickly.

My hands shake more violently when I step outside the office, and my breathing is more shallow. The all too hellish, restrictive feeling of not getting enough air in my lungs sends me into a tailspin of fear.

My vision is starting to go hazy at the edges.

I'm having a panic attack.

I run down the hall; the last thing I want is to have JP find me completely out of control. I just need some air.

I need air.

I start to run up the stairs but then realize I'm going the wrong way; I should be on the main floor.

I rush back down the stairs, tripping on the bottom stair, and end up sprawling on the main floor. The papers fly out of my hands.

Some men rush towards me, but I don't want anyone touching me and push myself up off the floor before they reach me and run through the house. I feel trapped, not able to find a damn door, my vision is getting more fuzzy and spotty, and I can't find a way out of the fucking labyrinth I'm in.

I hear my name, but it sounds distorted as I try to get away from everyone.

I push myself to keep running and slam in Nicky as I turn a corner and fall back. He tries to reach out for me, but he's not quick enough to grab me as I hit the ground, my head smacks against the floor, and I feel more dazed than I was already.

The girls from work are running towards me, but Annalisa is the first one to reach me and tries to get me to focus and tells me to breathe with her as I cling on to her gasping; she tells Enzo to take me outside, and he lifts me in his arms and runs through an opened door.

My mom holds my hand when Enzo sets me on the couch on the terrace. Annalisa comes out with a glass of water.

"What's going?" Jessica asks, concerned.

"What's wrong with Stella?" Letty asks at the same time.

"Panic attack. Go back inside," Annalisa tells them. "Stella, look at me, breathe. Breathe with me."

Topo sits on my other side and holds my other hand. "Focus on where you are, Stella; take long, slow breaths." I try to do what he says, and then I feel a pinprick on my neck before everything goes dark.

Soft humming reaches my ears, and my eyelids feel too heavy to open.

I focus on the relaxing feeling of someone scratching my head while I listen to the soft, calming melody.

"Stella, wake up amore," Isabella speaks soothingly.

I blink my eyes and look up at her soft green eyes. "You feel better?" She asks. I nod and sit up slowly.

"How long was I asleep for?"

She tells me a few hours and then laughs at my shocked expression. "I'm sorry, I wasted your time, laying on you like that."

"No, no waste time. I like it. I dream of times like these. I mean, I no like you sad or feel not good, but I like being with you, watching you sleep; sound weird?" She laughs nervously.

"No, not weird. I liked it, too," I lean over and hug her. "Thank you for being here for me, mamma." She kisses my head and holds me.

Zeus comes over to us, placing his head on my lap, whining as he does.

"Everyone worried, come check on you. JP want to call Dr., But Topo tell him no need," My mom chuckles, "Anna and Enzo both yell and fight with JP, blame him."

Good.

Okay, fine, it's not all his fault, not entirely.

Topo walks out and sits next to me, "I hope you're not mad; I gave you a sedative. That was a pretty bad episode."

I shake my head, "No, I'm not mad; I forgot how intense those could feel." I respond quietly. "I had a small one a few weeks back," thinking of when I thought Sean had been killed. "But this one was harder to pull out of."

"What happened?" Enzo asks as he walks out towards us, too.

"I don't know, just everything from losing Tobin. JP being so angry, visiting Melanie and seeing that's she getting worse. Going over the custody paperwork, it just got overwhelming, I guess." I shrug.

No one says anything for a moment.

"I'll drive you back to the penthouse," Enzo speaks up.

"Not yet, I want to spend some time with mamma, but will you let the kids know I'm okay and I'm still here, please?" I ask him. He nods, and they excuse themselves, leaving me alone with Isabella.

"Come, Stellina mia." She has me lay my head on her lap again. She plays with my hair and scratches my head. "Too hard on self, Stella."

I wipe at my eyes. "Why is life so hard?"

"It's not always. It can be good, fun, exciting, and wonderful." She speaks softly in Italian. "Focus on the good. You have so much in front of you."

"Sometimes, the bad seems so much more than the good. I feel like I'm suffocating."

"You have friends and family who love you, don't be afraid to ask for help." Her voice is comforting and more so when she speaks Italian.

"Come, I show you something." My mom pats my arm to get me to sit up, and she stands and holds my hand as she leads me back in the house but then has me sit at the counter in the kitchen.

"I make something to eat for you, first." I sit and watch as she moves around in the kitchen, and memories flood through me of not only Carmela but my mom-Serena making me something to eat, but it's nice to have her doing the same now, too.

We sit and eat, talking, enjoying each other's company, and I catch her up on some of the places I visited and things I've done with Lucy, Miles, and Kai.

Afterward, she leads me out of the kitchen and tells me we are going to her room.

"How are you feeling, girl?" Annalisa asks when she sees me in the hallway.

"I feel okay," I smile. "You still think I have a commanding presence after my colossal breakdown?" I joke.

"Yes, but you're also human, Stella," She rubs my arm. "You're allowed to be vulnerable, you know?"

"How are you feeling?" I ask her, noticing she has a package of saltines in her hand.

"This baby is kicking my butt, but I already love him so much," She smiles softly.

"Him?" I chuckle, "You know it's a boy?"

"Joey and I have a bet. I think it's a boy, and he swears it's a girl because "she's" already proving to be "high maintenance," but I told him he's more high maintenance than me that's why I know we're having a boy," She chuckles and I laugh along with her.

"I'll call you later, and we can finalize everything for your bachelorette/bachelor party for you and Joey, okay?"

Annalisa smiles as she nods, and Isabella leads me upstairs to her room. I take in her beautifully decorated room; it's classy yet simple.

I notice several picture frames on her dressers and vanity. So many of her and Timo when they were kids and teenagers. They look so happy, so in love. And then I see several of me as a baby and into my teen years. My parents, Dominic and Serena, must have sent them to her.

"Timo made this for you. I watch with you?" She holds a flash drive out to me and then leads me to the desk in her room.

I sit at her desk and plug in the flash drive in the computer. Then, I hit the play button and watch as Timo sits behind his desk.

The familiar decor and large windows behind his desk bring memories of being in his office, and it's like I can smell the scent of leather and the lingering cigar smoke in the room.

"Stella, if you are watching this, I hope you are somewhere safe and with your mamma, Isabella, finally. And I know it also means I'm no longer alive," He pauses as he looks down at his clasped hands.

"I made a lot of mistakes in my life, Piccola. I know I let you down, in so many ways--that it led you to resent me, even hate me. But the thing I regret the most is not letting you know every single day how much I love you and how proud I am of the woman you've become. You are strong and beyond capable of doing anything you set your mind to; you are the one thing I am most proud of that I've done, and the thing is, I can't even take credit for it.

Dominic and Serena are the ones who instilled in you the values and integrity you have. And I will forever be grateful for their selflessness in raising you as their own.

By now, you know about your connection to your grandfather, Vito. He stayed out of your life by my request, so I suppose that's just one more thing to add to the list of reasons why you hate me. However, if you decide to let him into your life, I know you will not let him manipulate you into doing his bidding.

I don't know what your future will hold, cara mia.

But if you choose this life, Stella, I know you will do what you need to with the responsibilities that come with it. I also know you will do things your own way, pave your own path, rather than follow in my footsteps.

However, if you choose to walk away, I know you will do it with no regrets, too.

Regardless of what you choose, you will succeed. And I want you to know I would be proud of whichever path you take.

Unfortunately, either path will still have its own set of drawbacks and even dangers because of who you are and your association with me and your grandfather.

But your determination and strong, iron-like willpower make you a formidable ally, and from what I've seen, you will always have people who will fight and die willingly for you if and when it's needed." His voice is thick with emotion, and it reminds me of the last time I spoke to him in person when I left.

"You have a strong mind, and grit piccola. But, also to follow your heart, Stella. I love you, my beautiful girl, sempre."

I wipe my eyes as I look back at the man I hardly knew and wish there was more time to get to know him as my father.

"I miss him every day," Isabella sighs sadly, staring at Timo on the paused video.

"Me, too." I do, and I regret not trying to make amends with him before Jimmy killed him.

"John Paul a lot like Timo hard control temper, but good men; loyal." I inhale deeply and avoid rolling my eyes at her comparison because I'm still angry at JP.

Angry and hurt, so I focus on changing the subject.

"Mamma, do...do you want to stay here with JP? I won't have security like how JP has, but if you wanted to live with us...with me, you can..." I don't know why I feel nervous; afraid she'll laugh at me for some reason.

"I no go already?" She looks at me, confused.

I chuckle, "Well, you can, but JP agreed to wait until after Melanie....goes, for the sake of the kids."

She nods slowly, "Yes, make sense. But room for me, too? I no want to be in way, either."

I hug her tightly, "There will always be room for you; I love you, mamma."

After watching the video, I don't want her ever to doubt my love for her. Despite our rough start, I know I love her, and I want her to know it every day.

"I love you, Stellina mia."

I put my arm around her shoulders, "I should head back to Cristian's penthouse; kids are waiting for me."

"We do Annalisa's party together?" She asks me, and I tell her that it would be great to have her help.

JP looks up as we come down the stairs; he hands papers to Adonis, who tucks them under his arm.

"You're still here," JP comments as we reach the main floor.

"Don't worry; I'm leaving," I respond before asking my mom to tell Enzo that I'm ready to go and that I'll be outside; she hugs me and heads to the kitchen.

"Stella, wait."

I stop before I reach the door and turn around, taking a deep breath to face him. My heart begins to accelerate just hearing him say my name, but instead of the usual fluttering I feel around him, I feel like I'm going to start crying. "What?"

I move my eyes to meet his and am surprised to find his pained expression looking back at me.

He steps closer to me but stops when I move further back; the pain in his eyes changes to one of almost torture.

"I didn't mean it like that. I don't care that you're here," JP's eyes close as he exhales, then shakes his head, "I mean, I care, but it doesn't bother me that you're still here. I went to check on you out on the terrace, and when I didn't see you, I thought you had left."

Enzo comes into view behind him, and JP follows my gaze. He turns back to me and takes more steps towards me, but I open the door, and Enzo steps out ahead of me just outside the door, but not before pulling on JP's man bun.

JP growls in annoyance as he reaches out for Enzo, but Enzo dodges him while laughing.

"Sean was blowing up your phone," Enzo hands me my phone once he's outside. "His sister told him about the panic attack; I told him, you're fine now, but you might want to call him; he's really worried." I thank him as I put my phone in my pocket and start following him.

"Wait, please." JP grabs me by the elbow lightly, and I look back at him. "I just...I'm sorry for losing my temper yesterday. And I just wanted to make sure you're okay." His eyes are worried, and I struggle with the pull I feel and the desire to turn and walk into his arms, but I move his hand off me.

Even though I see the pain and remorse in his eyes, I don't know that I can ever look past the coldness his eyes can hold, especially when he's looked at me like that more than once, but I want to. God, do I want to.

"That's not your job anymore, JP." I walk away, fighting to hold on to my resolve until I get in the car.

~~~~~~~~~

*It's hard to forget/forgive when someone has hurt you so badly

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