Song for the Chapter: Imagine Dragons-Nothing Left To Say

I love the video for this song, the artistry of it, is just... *chef's kiss*.

The choreography is beyond amazing and I feel like it showcases the push and pull of Stella's and JP's relationship before they go their separate ways.

At the end of the video, it looks like the dancer's bodies are shaped into a broken heart, I don't know if it was meant to look like that or if it's just me seeing things, haha.

What do you guys think?

***Trigger warning: So just like the last chapter, this also deals with dark thoughts, thoughts of suicide, alcohol and substance abuse.

I don't condone this but I wanted to give a realistic aspect of what each of the characters are going through after what they've experienced instead of just skimming over it. They each deal with pain, trauma a little differently as I mentioned in the A/N in the beginning of the book. Some can overcome things better or quickly while others not so much...

****Don't forget to Vote and Comment!

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JOHN PAUL

I'm crying out loud as I read through her card for the third time. I pick up the flash drive and look at it, then I remember I broke my Mack book.

"JP, please listen. I don't think it's a good idea for you to watch that, right now." Annalisa says, sounding panicked.

I hurry out of my room as she calls after me, but I sprint down the stairs. Carmela comes running out of the kitchen, followed by Isabella. Annalisa trails behind me, still yelling out for me to stop.

"John Paul, che cosa c'é?" (What's the matter?) Carmela asks.

I run down the hall and burst into the conference room, the room is packed and all eyes of the men turn to me. I didn't realize Timo was holding a meeting but I don't care. He stands, along with my father. Tobias and Santino also stand on the other side of the room. Carmela, Isabella, and Annalisa run into the room, nearly all slamming into me.

"John Paul what is it? Is it Stella?" Timo asks me concerned as he looks at the women that have followed me in.  

I scan the room and until I find David. "I need you to play this." I hold out the flash drive. He looks at it and his eyes widen, looking over at Annalisa.

He knows what it is. He shakes his head. "I-I...I'm not sure that's a good idea, JP." His adam's apple bobs up and down, swallowing as I storm up to him. I lift him out of his chair, by his collar.

"Play. It. Now." I say through my clenched jaw, holding him up close to my face.

"Go ahead, David." Timo tells him.

David pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose, adjusting his suit after I release him. He holds his hand out for me to give him the flash drive.

He moves to the cabinet with me following. The projection screen is coming down as he plugs in the flash drive. A video icon appears on the screen and he moves the mouse over the play button and clicks it.

The video starts playing, showing a tiled floor, it looks like a hospital floor. The camera moves up and Stella's profile comes onto the screen. I gasp quietly, walking closer to the screen.

There's such a difference from how she looks in the video to how she looked after everything happened.

She seems nervous, her eyes are on the ring I had given her, twisting it around her finger, when Annalisa's voice comes through the sound system.

"Okay, Char. Smile for the camera." Stella turns towards her and laughs. The sound makes me both smile and brings tears to my eyes, instantly.

"Anna! I look like crap today. You didn't tell me you'd be taking a video."

"I didn't think of it until now. Besides, JP loves your natural look, anyway. Say hi to him."

I find myself nodding, on loving her natural beauty.

She moves her eyes to the camera and it feels like she's looking right at me. "Hi, Lover." Even her voice sounds different, so happy.

She smiles then crosses her eyes, sticking her tongue out. I can't help the small chuckle that comes out. We hear Annalisa scold her, then turns the camera towards herself.

Annalisa addresses me, "JP, you can't be surprised, she'd ruin a cute moment like this." I look behind me at Annalisa. She has tears streaming down her face but she tries to give me a small smile before I look back at the screen.

Another voice comes through speakers and Annalisa turns the camera towards the voice. I assume she's a Dr. as she explains she's placing a gel on her stomach to get a clear picture. Annalisa moves the camera over to Stella's toned stomach.

The image of her bruised and marked up stomach when I watched the nurses change out her dressings while she was still unconscious, flashes in my mind.

I focus back on the video, as the Dr moves a device over her lower stomach, then speaks to her. "There, you can see the sac."

Annalisa moves the camera to a monitor next to Stella and zooms in. The picture on the screen is fuzzy.

"Um, I don't see anything." Stella says. The Dr mentions switching to a higher resolution.

Another woman in the room, moves closer to the monitor and points at the screen. "Here, the dark, black area is your uterus. And this..." She points to a small misshaped oval. "That's your baby."

The Dr's voice comes through again. "I'm going to zoom in, quite a bit, to see if we can see the heartbeat. It will look like a flickering movement." I watch as the the picture gets bigger and bigger. The little oval moves and we hear Annalisa gasp in the video.

"Is that it's mini penis?" We hear her ask. I don't want to admit I thought the same thing, when I hear the men in the room, chuckle behind me. I look back and Annalisa's face is red, Santino is now standing next to her. He wraps his arm around her, rubbing her shoulder. I don't miss the small flinching movement she does when he touches her at first before she relaxes.

The Dr and the nurse both chuckle in the video as well before we hear the Dr explain, baby's in the early stages have tails which are really part of the spine that will absorb back as the baby continues to grow. She mentions it's too early to know the gender anyhow and the nubs we see will eventually grow into their legs, feet, arms and hands.

The nurse hits a button on the keyboard and a static like sound comes through the speakers.

The picture enlarges again, and I see the flickering she mentioned and then the room fills with a rapid steady, rhythm. The Dr confirms the sound is my baby's heartbeat. A lump lodges itself in my throat as I move closer.

I watch Stella staring at the monitor. Her hand moves towards the monitor and I do the same on the screen, my hand going over hers as she traces the image of our baby.

My eyes fill with tears as I watch the flickering image and the sound coming through the speakers loudly, of our baby's heartbeat. Making the fact that our baby existed palpable and it hurts, it hurts so much.

I vaguely hear crying behind me and I can only assume it's one of the three women, or maybe it's all three.

Annalisa exclaims her amazement through the video. "Holy shit! That's amazing!"

Stella looks at her smiling as tears are running down her face, just like mine are watching her. She looks back at the monitor. Annalisa sounds like she's crying in the video when she tells her, she's going to be a mommy.

Stella turns to the camera again, covering her mouth, while she cries and laughs, simultaneously. She moves her hand away from her mouth as she looks into the camera, directly into my eyes as she speaks. "You're going to be a daddy, John Paul. I love you so much!"

My heart constricts and I can't breath as I watch her wipe her eyes, smiling back at me with so much happiness and love.

The camera moves as I assume Annalisa went to hug her and I fall to my knees, breaking down. Ugly, wrenching sobs come out of me, sounds I didn't know I was capable of making; a mixture of wails and moans.

I ruined what we had, what we were. The full force and pressure of it as I got to see and remember how she was before I shut her out and betrayed her love for me. The way she looked at me full of love, without reservation, just open and unquestionable, pure love. And I fucking threw it back in her face. Enzo, Annalisa are right, I never deserved her.

I don't know how long I laid there on the floor of the conference room until my sobs subsided. The room is empty and dark now.

I sit up slowly and stand shakily. I replay the video, wanting to hear her voice again. I want to hear her call me lover, even though, I didn't particularly love the nickname but now, I just want to keep hearing her say it.

I want to hear the excitement in her voice as she announces that I'm going to be a dad and that she loves me and she means it when she says it.

I watch the video over and over again throughout the night until I can't keep my eyes open any longer.

******

The next day I feel someone nudging me. I sit up, squinting at the bright sunlight streaming in through the large windows of the conference room. I look over and see the projection screen is gone and panic sets in, rushing to the lap top; I don't see the flash drive.

"Where is it?" I yell.

"Easy, John Paul, easy. It's here." Tobias picks up the flash drive from the table and holds it out to me. I turn not realizing he was in the room; I walk up to him and rip it out of his hands.

"You can't keep torturing yourself." He tells me.

"Sure, I can." My voice is hoarse. I shove the flash drive in my pocket. I make my way to the liquor tray in the room and grab a glass and pour myself a drink.

I throw it back and don't mind the burning sting in the back of my throat. I pour another and drink it.

"JP..."

"You want one?" I ask him as I pour two glasses.

"It's 8:30 in the morning..." He responds.

I look at him over my shoulder. "So, no?" I shrug and drink them both. I feel the affects quickly as I don't have much in my stomach, with the little to no eating that I've been doing. The heat and warmth from the alcohol, creeps up over my face and I feel the fogginess seep into my head.

"John Paul, you thought you were doing what was best for her. You wanted her away from everything. No one blames you for that." He tells me as I take another drink, this time just sipping it.

"You warned me not to be selfish and I didn't listen." I say as I look down at the drink before taking another sip. "You warned me, of what could happen and I thought I could handle it all."

"Don't do this to yourself." He tells me but I feel the anger simmering at my own selfish weaknesses.

I pick up the glass and throw it against the wall, watching as it shatters; the liquid dripping down the wall. "She's right. I'm weak! A fucking coward, who couldn't stand up to my father, when he starting feeding into my own doubts. She loved me, Tobias and I threw it all back in her face!" I pull at my hair.

"That day...She tried to tell me that we were going to have a baby but I stopped her. I told her I didn't want to hear it, that I didn't care what she wanted to tell me, that it didn't matter!" My breath hitches. "She begged me to listen, she begged me not to shut her out, to not leave her! I shoved her Tobias and I told her she was fucking pathetic!"

"You didn't know." He says quietly. "Come, on. Let's go get something for you to eat."

"I'm not hungry." I pick up two bottles from the liquor tray and head out of the conference room wanting to be alone in my room. As I make my way up the stairs I decide to go to her room instead.

I notice her room is now clean and the sheets and blankets have been changed out. I try to reign in my anger, but knowing her scent is now completely gone from the sheets and pillows makes me yell out in rage.

I take a large swig of one of the bottles and make my way to the picture board, that I put back up on the wall with our pictures. We were so young and look so small in some.

I look at the pictures and realize I'm looking at her in a lot of them, while she looks at the camera. How could she have not known how I felt about her? I think bitterly, it was so damn obvious.

I take another huge swallow of the alcohol, leaning back too far, I almost lose my balance. People tell me I didn't deserve her, I reflect spitefully, as I look over the pictures of us again. But I'm starting to think she didn't deserve me, either. All I ever did was love her and protect her. I know I fucked up but I was trying to get her away from all of this.

I never stopped loving her regardless of the shit I said and did. How could she not believe me? How could she so easily let words break what we had, what we were?

She gave up on me too easily. Then the truth hits me like a slap in the face, reminding me of when she actually slapped me.

She never loved me.

I take a longer, deeper drink from the bottle. Some of the liquid spills out of my mouth and down my neck and sweater. I sway a little when I bring the bottle down. I barely make my way over to her bed and sit at the edge.

The picture I gave her, when I came back from Chicago the last time, stares back at me, mockingly. I pick up her phone that's still on the nightstand.

The background screen is a picture of us in bed, I'm sleeping while she's laying on me, smiling at the camera. I open her phone and look at the contacts. I squint at the list of contacts, she must have erased me from her phone, I think to myself. I don't see the nickname she had me saved under as "dramaqueen" in there anymore or even just my name.

But then I look again and see another name that catches my attention. I hold the phone closer to my face as the alcohol is affecting my vision quickly. I hit the contact name and look down at my pocket as my phone begins to ring.

I fumble, with trying to get my hand in my pocket to pull my phone out. When I finally get it out of my pocket, I turn my phone over and see the name I had her saved as "my princess" flashing on my screen.

She changed my contact name to "Baby Daddy."

***********

The days pass on with no real difference. I don't sleep, not long anyway. Drinking myself until I'm shitfaced, doesn't help. I wake up repeatedly, from nightmares of her coming back, only to laugh in my face, telling me she never loved me.

Or I have other nightmares of her getting assaulted, while I stand there doing nothing as she screams for me to help her.

I avoid sleeping as much as possible even though I'm desperate for it.

At one point, when I passed out, they moved me back to my room. I don't even know when it happened. I want to feel angry but the feeling escapes me, before I take another drink.

The same people come to check on me repeatedly, daily. Carmela tries to get me to eat but I only manage a few bites before I vomit each time. Between Enzo, Tobias and Santino they take turns throwing me in the shower every couple of days.

They tell me the pain will go away with time, but it only seems to get worse with each passing day. I would be lying if I didn't think about ending it all, more than once.

I've gotten as far as loading my gun and putting it my mouth. But I could never pull the trigger. I end up screaming into the bed or pillow, muffling my screams.

They keep taking my alcohol away but I always find more. I tried leaving the property one day, to get my own liquor but I was so impaired, I ended up crashing the car into a tree, just outside the garage.

I crawled out of the car and some of the men brought me back into the house. Carmela cleaned up the gash on my forehead, crying quietly the whole time. After that day, someone took my guns away, too.

I groan as I roll over on the bed. I just want a few minutes of rest. To shut everything off. I stare bleakly at the ceiling, wanting the pain to end so badly. I want it all to go away, I want the memories to go away, too. To stop mocking me of what I threw away, of what she gave up on, too.

I stumble my way to my fathers room, staggering and leaning on his door. I make an attempt to knock, my hand doesn't want to cooperate into making a fist.

I open the door, nudging it open with my shoulder. I think I call out to him but not sure I can form words right now, it was probably more of a groan.

I step into his room but trip over my own feet and fall down. My face taking the brunt of the impact. I moan as I roll over, blinking, trying to focus my vision. I roll back on my stomach and pull myself towards his bathroom.

Something thick and copper-like comes into my mouth. I touch my lips and can barely make out that my nose is bleeding.

I continue to make my way to his bathroom assuming that's where he keeps his medicine. He's had insomnia for as long as I can remember and takes prescription sleeping pills when it gets too bad.

I move to get on my knees and groan with the effort it takes to pull myself up over his sink. I open the side mirror and see a few orange bottles.

Reaching up, for one of the bottles, I end up knocking them all down; they fall into the sink. I look down, trying to open my eyes wide, thinking that will help me see better. Blood is starting to drip onto the counter and the sink.

I see a cup on the counter and lean over using both hands to steady the cup as it fills up. I pick up the bottles trying to see which ones are the sleeping pills. But my vision is too blurry, to make out the labels.

Pain medicine would be just as good to take, right now I decide. It will help take away the pain I'm feeling, so I can rest. Even though I know I'll feel it all over again when I wake up.

I finally open one of the bottles and pour some pills out on my hand. Oblivious to how many are in my hand, I throw them back into my mouth and lift the cup of water to my mouth.

I slide down against the wall, sitting on the floor, closing my eyes, waiting for the sleep to come, that I so desperately want.

I wish I never have known what it was like to be with her, to feel her next to me or under me, then it wouldn't hurt this much. My thoughts are fading out with images of her beautiful eyes and smile.

Eventually, I lay down, breathing heavily. I welcome the cold tile, against my warm body and face as I embrace the darkness and finally the quiet and stillness in my mind.