A/N: Warning that there is mentions of previous abuse and extreme homophobia

Over the next few days Dean hadn't come out of his room for anything and whenever Sam would go in there and try to talk to him he would only say a few words, thanking him for bringing food that he never ate or asking for more beer when he ran out. They only had one full conversation and that was the next morning after Cas had left.

Sam came in holding the small box that Dean had left on the table the night before, he thought he should leave him alone for the night but he wanted to check on him in the morning. At first he just sat down next to him and comforted him but he was dying to ask, so he placed the box in front of Dean and finally said something "so...this" 

Dean stayed silent for a few seconds just holding the box before talking "yeah um, well i know we couldn't actually get married because well technically i'm legally dead-" and Cas legally doesn't exist he thought to himself "-but i wanted the rings because well i don't know i guess i just wanted people to know that we belonged to each other and no one else" Sam was shocked to say the least he never heard his brother talk like this about anyone which begs the question

"Then... what happened?" he took a deep breath, brought the box closer to him and just turned the other way not responding to his brother. Sam just sighed and left the room, the next few days were spent like that and whenever he went into Dean's room he realized that the bed hadn't been slept in and that there was a cover on the floor near the bed. 

He decided not to ask about it for now and just leave him alone but one day Sam came back from a run and went to the kitchen expecting it to be empty and silent since Kevin wasn't here right now but instead he found Dean up and cooking breakfast in his robe. "Dean?"

He turned around smiling "Sammy great, can u grab the plates i'm almost done with these" he said while gesturing to the pan, Sam was confused so he just nodded and went to grab the plates for his brother. He put them down on the counter and sat down at the table alone for a few minutes before Dean came with the plates full of food and a beer in his hands. "dude really it's like 9am" Sam said while nodding his head to the bottle.

He just shrugged and said "it's 10pm somewhere" Sam sighed at the phrase he hadn't heard in a long time and hoped he would never have to again "look Dean i'm happy you're out of bed but are you sure yo-" Dean cut him off by putting his hand up "don't" he put his fork down and took another sip of his beer "Sammy i got broken up with and it hurt like a bitch but i grieved, i got better and now i'm over it so please just don't okay. I'm fine"

He knew better than to try to argue with his extremely stubborn older brother "alright but if you need to talk" Dean nodded "what you mean my feelings?" he scoffed and finished his beer "i told you i'm fine and i'm not gonna sit here and talk about my feelings when i know that it won't change anything okay?" he got up and grabbed another beer bottle "i'm gonna go look for a case"

As if the universe was telling him "screw you" they didn't find a case for another two weeks and Dean needed a distraction right now, no matter how much he thought that he was hiding it from Sam he knew his older brother wasn't okay. He was drinking a lot more, he was being uncharacteristically quiet and there was something else that Sam was trying to ignore, Dean hadn't been sleeping in his room he was sleeping on the couch every night.

Sam noticed it after a while when he heard him scream after a nightmare and found him on the couch with his head in his hands mumbling but the only thing he got out of it was a broken "i wish you were here, i need you" that was three weeks ago and today he found him the same way in their motel room during a case, he came back from doing some research in the library and found him on his bed with his head in one hand and a drink in the other.

(for reference this is like a little less than a month and a half after the breakup)

He was about to speak up and let his presence be known but he stopped when he heard him talking, he sounded angry and all Sam could do was stand there with the door still open and listen "i hope you're happy you sick son of a bitch, you're probably watching me from up there and laughing at just how right you were. You broke me just like you always said you would, you screwed me up so bad that i just lost one of the most important people in my life and all i can do is blame myself because of all the shit you gave me over the years."

He scoffs and takes another sip of his drink before continuing, still not noticing Sam standing at the doorway "hell you screwed me up so bad that i can't even talk to my own brother about my breakup or how bad it hurts, how I can't even sleep in my own bed anymore because anytime I'm in it all i can think about is that he's not there with me and I'm too damn scared of what Sam's gonna think about me if he finds out, that I've barely even had a full conversation with my own brother since he broke up with me because of all the crap you put in my head"

Sam took this chance to finally close the door catching Dean's attention, he looked up at him with wide eyes and immediately sobered up "how much of that did you hear?" he didn't bother answering his brothers question because he had one of his own "he?" Dean's breath caught in his throat when he realized and he didn't say anything. Sam looked at him with tears in his eyes "do you really think so little of me that i would ever do something like that? that i would ever think differently about you just because what, because you like guys?" 

"Sammy i-" he didn't know how to respond but luckily he was interrupted anyways "you know what it's uh it's been a long day i think i'm just gonna shower" Sam walked past his brother into the motel bathroom and Dean just stood there even after the door was already closed, not knowing what to do or say. He needed air and since he was sober enough to drive he decided to go for a drive to clear his mind.

He knocked on the bathroom door and didn't bother waiting for an answer "i'm gonna give you a little space man, i need some air anyways. I'm gonna go get some food okay" he didn't get an answer so he just sighed, picked up the keys to Baby and left the room. He came back around an hour later and found Sam sitting on his bed and staring at his laptop, he didn't look up from the screen while Dean put down the food and sat down on the edge of Sam's bed.

He took a deep breath to calm down before starting "Sammy" when he didn't get an answer he turned to his brother and shut the laptop so that he would have to look up at him "Sam will you please just listen to me" he stayed quiet so Dean just sighed and took that as a sign to keep going "i'm sorry i didn't tell you that i was dating a guy" Sam finally spoke up "why Dean, why did you lie to me for months about who you were with?"

He looked up to meet his brothers eyes "hang on a second, i never once lied to you think back to all the conversations we had about me and him. Not once did i say she or call him my girlfriend you just assumed" Sam rolled his eyes "fine then why did you never correct my assumption?" instead of answering right away he asked his brother another question "do you remember that one case when we were younger, you got up the next morning after me and dad went to kill the thing and i was hurt" Sam shook his head

"You got hurt a lot on hunts when we were younger" Dean nodded slowly mumbling "yeah hunts" in a sarcastic tone but before Sam could question him he continued "no this time was different it was the first time i got seriously hurt, like really hurt" that's when he remembered what he was talking about "you mean that time you came back with all the bruises and the broken arm, i'm pretty sure you also had a black eye. I remember that because dad said that hunt messed you up a lot that's why you started getting worse injuries for the next few months."

"Yeah for another three months after that and then i left for like 6 months" Sam nodded "dad just told me he sent you to Bobby's so that you could have a break and come back with your mind straight" Dean laughed but it came out bitter and angry "of course he'd make himself look like the good guy, giving me a break from hunting" he shook his head and Sam was extremely confused "Dean what the hell are you talking about?"

Dean let out another breath before answering "i didn't get hurt on a hunt Sammy, that night was the first and only time dad caught me with a guy" he let out a shaky breath "i mean don't get me wrong it wasn't the first time he didn't like something i did and i ended up with a couple bruises because of it, but this time was different it changed everything" Sam stayed silent the whole time so that Dean could continue "the things he said to me after that night were terrible but you couldn't even begin to imagine the things he did, those six months i was gone i wish i was at Bobby's. No he took me to a place where they dealt with my kind of 'problem' and i wish i could tell you that was the worst thing he did but that doesn't even come close"

Sam put his hand on his older brother's shoulder to comfort him, not trusting his own voice right now because he could feel the tears coming down his face, Dean turned to look at him "i'm sorry, i knew that you would react nothing like him but i couldn't risk losing you and i was actually going to tell you before i proposed, before our one year anniversary but i didn't exactly get the chance" Sam finally spoke up because he wanted his brother to talk to him.

"What even happened?" he was relieved because he didn't have to hide that part of him from his brother anymore so he told him "well we were together for a few days short of a year and we were happy, at least i thought we were. I guess he didn't because right before our anniversary he told me that he didn't love me, actually he told me he never did and the entire time he was with me because i made him feel good whatever that means" Sam made a disgusted face at the last part but got over it quickly "well what do you need from me, do you need to talk, do i need to get out my gun what?"

Dean let out a soft chuckle "i don't need anything i'm just happy you finally know, i just wish i could've told you while i still had someone to show off you know" he joked "so now that i know will you finally tell me who it was?" he didn't even need to think about the question before answering "no i can't, even though i probably should, even though i want to, i don't hate him and i really don't want you to hate him because of it" he shook his head slowly and pat Sam's leg a few times before getting up "come on enough with the crying and the chic flic moments i didn't bring pints of ice cream to cry into so let's just eat instead"

After everything they had a pretty good night, i wish i could say Dean slept through it without nightmares but i'd be lying. He still couldn't sleep without the warmth coming from his angel in his arms and the piece missing from his heart.