{Cary}

No one stirred Saturday morning at the normal time for human and cat breakfast, and no one appeared downstairs by the time the sun was high in the sky. Finally, Misty trotted upstairs and jumped on Cary's bed, her little paws poking his legs through the blankets as she walked up his body to peer in his face, ears pricked, meowing a question.

Cary opened one eye at her. "I'm up." For once his hip had been quiet and let him lay in a couple hours. With a groan, he hefted himself out of bed and followed Misty's bobbing tail out of his bedroom.

There was a trail of discarded clothing down the hallway--Kurt's peacock suit jacket hung off-kilter on the end of the stair rail; Jon's sequinned top was crumpled outside the bathroom door.

Cary rolled his eyes, huffing a quiet laugh. "Subtle."

He stumped down the stairs to use the tiny main floor washroom, preferring to skip whatever further evidence of the midnight strip-show that might await in his master bath. Jon would make it all disappear the moment he got up--he must have been fairly preoccupied not to have done that already.

Cary put the yule log and carols on the TV and moved around the kitchen, getting Misty her breakfast and putting on a coffee. There were a dozen little touches in this room that reminded him of his housemates, from Jon's tea cup upside down on the sideboard, to Kurt's roses opening among the Christmas greenery on the table. It pretty much summed up his mixed feelings--it was super awkward to be a straight ace living with a pair of honeymooning gays right now, but as time went by he was going to miss them both.

Sure he'd enjoy going to bed early without having to wear his noise-cancelling headphones. But the thought of sitting down to a single-serving meal at this table, alone night after night, was so fucking depressing it took a moment to get over it.

Cary leaned down to stroke Misty's furry head while she 'nommed' down on her food. "Guess it's just gonna be you and me, Cat. Nice and quiet."

Sighing, he dropped into his chair and changed the channel to National Geographic. At some point in the next couple months, he guessed meercat tribes and intrepid Alaskan vets were going to be keeping him company full time.

He heard the creak of the shower running, and then steps padding down the stairs. Jon peeked around the arched doorway, his eyes softly glowing under his damp, rumpled hair. Traces of eyeliner still smudged his eyelids. Grinning, Jon held up his arms.

"I'm not a virgin!" he declared, his voice full of laughter.

Cary choked on his coffee. "Uh--congratulations?"

Jon giggled, disappearing into the kitchen. Cary shook his head, rubbing his bearded, blushing cheek. Apparently that had been weighing on Jon's mind. He guessed he just wouldn't know anything about that.

"Do you want eggs?" Jon called. "Or almond-flour pancakes?"

"Pancakes," Cary said, getting to his feet and joining him. "Want me to make coffee?"

"Uh-huh," Jon said, narrowing his eyes in a smile. "I stayed up way too late with Kurt last night."

"How was the night--uh, overall?" Cary asked cautiously.

Jon glanced up. "Mixed. Overall."

Cary frowned sideways at him--this was unexpected. "You okay?"

Jon waved his hand. "Very much yes--sorry, not that. Kurt was amazing, start to finish. And I loved everything." A private smile curved Jon's mouth as he cracked eggs into a bowl. "It turns out I am--um, versatile."

Cary winced, hoping he wasn't going to get any more details. "Hm."

"We ran into Nicky. At the club," Jon said.

The kitchen fell silent, except for the chop of Jon's knife quartering apples. Cary glanced over, noting Jon's unmarked knuckles with relief.

"And?" Cary prompted.

"And I didn't kick his ass," Jon said, a muscle moving in his cheek. He tossed the apples into a saucepan, and washed his hands quick, flicking them dry. He sighed. "I thought Kurt was okay, when we left. He said he was okay. And he was obviously into doing what we did when we got home."

Jon's fingers brushed invisible crumbs off the counter. "But he cried. A lot. After." His face crumpled a little and he took a breath, lifting his shoulders. "There's a lot of hurt there, Cary," he said softly. "That I'm just getting to know."

Cary folded his arm over his chest, putting his fingers over his mouth. He could barely imagine getting down to his skin with someone if his abuse shit actually involved sex. Kurt Visser was brave. "How are you doing with that?" he asked.

Jon glanced at him, his eyes bright with unshed tears. "I have feelings about it," he said lightly. He thumbed a spoonful of butter into the pan with a sizzle.

"Seems legit," Cary said slowly. He thought of all the years Jon had weathered his PTSD shit and been the most reliable person in his life. "You're good for this, you know? You're not--actually an asshole, Jon."

Jon exhaled, brushing his knuckles over his eyes and shaking his head quick. "I hope that's true," he said. "I'm not quitting working on it." He pulled their kitchen drawers open one by one until he found the whisk. "So anyways. I'm quitting my job."

Cary's mouth fell open. "What?"

"I'm not doing this to us anymore." Jon's expression became fiercely focused as he whipped the pancake batter. "It's too hard and Kurt's been hurt enough. I need to work somewhere we can just...have a good life together out in the open like anyone else. He's been unbelievably supportive through this whole fucking ordeal but I need to be done. Kurt's got a huge heart but he's not--invincible."

Cary followed all of this, his eyebrows lowering. So Kurt was going to be the thing that finally made Jon realize how punishing his workplace was for a gay. "Neither are you," Cary said.

Jon exhaled, rolling out his shoulders. "Right," he agreed, low. "Neither am I."

"Took you long enough," Cary said.

{Jon}

Jon felt soft as a bruise. His body was no more sore than it would have been starting a new workout regime, but his heart was swollen with all his mixed emotions.

The kitchen was full of the smell of buttery cinnamon apples bubbling in a saucepan and Jon was scooping pancake batter to sizzle on the pan when he heard the sound he'd been looking forward to all morning: Kurt's feet running down the stairs. His partner paused his humming to wrap his arms around Jon's waist and put his lips in the spot under Jon's jaw.

"Mornin' handsome," Kurt said.

Jon leaned back against Kurt's chest, glancing at his face. "Morning gorgeous," Jon said.

Kurt was freshly shaved, but his hair was still wildly messy with styling products from the night before and one side of his face was faintly smeared with shimmery powder. Kurt's blue eyes narrowed in a smile that looked tired but very happy. "You feeling okay today?" he asked softly.

"Mm-hm," Jon said, unable to contain his smile. "I got everything I wanted for Christmas last night."

He felt Kurt's belly laugh through his back, and his partner leaned his cheek against Jon's. "That was a first for me too, love," Kurt murmured. "So thank you very much for that."

Happiness sparked in Jon's chest; he kissed Kurt's cheek quick. "Ta-dah! You're good at all the things."

"You're good at all the things," Kurt said, nibbling his neck and Jon laughed and shoved him away.

"No tickling by the hot stove." Jon brandished the spatula at his partner, who lifted his hands in surrender. Flashing a grin, Jon quickly flipped the pancakes in the pan. "These are almost done. Can you get out the maple syrup for us?"

Kurt poked his head out the kitchen door on his way to the fridge. "Morning, big man," he called.

Cary pulled off his headphones and hauled himself out of his chair. "It's afternoon. Some of us are having lunch, not breakfast."

Kurt chuckled, running the maple syrup bottle under hot water in the sink. "Well some of us made irresponsible life choices last night."

"Hey," Jon protested. "This is what holidays are for--all the things that were too fun to be allowed while I was working."

"Tyrell texted me this morning asking if you'll do a number for the Christmas Eve concert in drag," Kurt drawled.

Jon's eyebrows lifted in surprise. "Oh wow. Um. That seems like a lot of work. The hair removal alone took me four hours. I was just planning to go as myself. Somewhat queer Jon White."

Kurt gave Jon a mischievous look. "Somewhat queer my ass. You just think about it, Honey. Your fans want an encore."

"Wait, Jon was singing?" Cary asked, as he brought coffees to the table.

Jon laughed, covering his blushing face. "No. Just...lip synching to Christmas songs with some of the other queens."

"Alcohol was not even involved," Kurt said, widening his eyes as he slurped his coffee. "I'm telling you--sober people can still party."

"I missed Karaoke?" Cary asked, his voice raised in dismay. He turned an accusing look at Kurt. "You didn't tell me there would be Christmas Karaoke."

Kurt lifted his hands innocently. "I didn't know! Would it have persuaded you to come out on the town with us?"

"Probably," Cary grumbled. "Now I'm mad I stayed home."

Kurt took Jon's hand, glancing at him and Jon squeezed his fingers back, saying a quick grace over their steaming stack of pancakes.

"Plans for the day?" Kurt asked, digging in.

"Going back to bed?" Jon suggested. "To actually sleep."

"Christmas shopping at the Strath Farmer's Market," Cary said.

"Oo the second one," Kurt said, waving his fingers at Cary. "White, it's one week 'til Christmas and we have presents to buy."

Jon propped his chin in his hand, blinking sleepily at Kurt. "Yeah I guess we can do that," he said.

He automatically did the math on the probability that they would bump into anyone he knew in Old Strathcona, and how long it would take the news that he was holding hands with his husband to potentially reach the ears of his boss.

It hit him that he could be done worrying about it. His mind was made up--there was no reason to draw it out. It was going to hurt any which way he ripped this Band-Aid off. And sooner was better for Kurt.

Jon touched his fingers to the back of Kurt's hand. "Hey, um. No pretending to date Cary though."

Kurt made a questioning noise, his fair eyebrows lifting.

"I'm not hiding anymore. When we go out." Jon shook his head. "I hate it and I'm done."

Kurt drew in his breath, glancing at Cary. "I guess that's fine," he said cautiously. "We can be discreet."

"Sorry." Jon rubbed his face hard. "I'm confusing. I'm saying I'm done with my job." He let his hands drop, meeting Kurt's eyes. "We can be seen together in public; it doesn't matter anymore. I'm resigning. Unless they fire me first. And I don't--care if they do." He swallowed on his tight throat. He cared a lot if they did, but he cared about Kurt more.

Kurt's eyes were wide on his. "Wait...what are you saying, White? Did you resign already?"

Jon made a dry noise. "No; I've been a bit busy to write the letter. But my decision's made. I'm coming out."

There was more of his own heartbreak in Kurt's face than Jon had expected, and Jon pushed his hand against his aching chest, turning aside. "I'll give my letter to Terry in the new year. After my holidays. I think...the Kickingbirds are on their way to a good thing with their mom? They can do the last couple months in the house without me and maybe that will even...work out to make their transition easier. There's lots of other good staff there. To look after them."

"Jon," Kurt whispered, his voice breaking. "Shit. Will you...see them again?"

Jon got up abruptly from the table to put his plate in the sink, blinking against his burning eyes. "Probably not."

"Maybe you won't have to resign," Cary rumbled. "Maybe they'll change for you."

Jon thought of all the people who would have to be persuaded for that to be a reality, all the policy that would have to be re-imagined. "Maybe miracles still happen." He lifted his shoulders and let them drop. "But I doubt it. I can kiss my career in the Christian not-for-profit sector good bye."

He turned from the sink and Kurt tipped his face up to him. There were tears in Kurt's eyes, and Jon stepped between his legs to brush them away. "And kiss you for the rest of your life," he finished softly. "No regrets, Kurt."

Kurt's laugh was cracked. "Well I didn't expect to feel so sad about that." His hands clasped Jon's waist. "I just...are you sure? There's going to be other kids who need you there. You're so perfect for that job, love."

Jon ran his hands through Kurt's hair, smiling down at him. "I'm not perfect for that job and you know it. I'm very very gay for that job."

Kurt's face flashed with hurt and anger. "I think it shouldn't fucking make a difference."

Cary's frown said he agreed.

Jon closed his eyes briefly, his fingers threaded in Kurt's hair. "You guys. I knew what I was signing up for when I started working there. I can't have both. That's just how it is." He took a slow breath and smiled into Kurt's face, feeling like a huge weight was lifting off his shoulders. "You're my husband, Kurt. You're my choice. And that means it's over. I have to find something new."

Kurt's hands tightened on Jon's waist and he hid his face against Jon's shirt, but Jon felt his shaky exhale, hot against his stomach. He stroked Kurt's hair, two of his own tears dropping onto the other man's bowed shoulders.

Behind them, Cary cleared his throat. "Well. I think we should have ice cream with these pancakes."

While he was rummaging in the freezer, Jon snuggled onto Kurt's lap, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "Hey," Jon said softly, touching his cheek and smiling through his own tears. "Want to hold hands with me at Strathcona Farmer's Market today?"

Kurt's laugh sounded like a sob, his face still crumpled half-way between happy and sad. "Hell yes I do," he said.

Jon cupped his face, kissing him gently, tasting their tears on Kurt's lips. Kurt's mouth was hungry and his hands slid up under Jon's shirt to press against his back. The song of Jon's heart under Kurt's hands said, Worth it.

{Kurt}

At the Farmer's Market, Kurt teared up over an adorable mittens display raising funds for low-income children, and he cried when Jon pulled him under the mistletoe to kiss him in the middle of the crowd. It was a lot of tears in one day even for him, and when Jon suggested they head home for a nap, Kurt was happy to let him weave their hands together and lead him to their car.

Tears stung his eyes again lying safe in their bed, with Jon already asleep against his back. Kurt swiped his fingers against his eyes, trying to take a steadying breath. God, he was about as well-defended as a newborn baby today.

Jon had wrecked him the night before, moving over top of him so tenderly that Kurt climaxed in a huge wave of feelings and then come apart. He'd never in his life had a partner so joyfully devoted to his pleasure over their own. Jon had wrapped him in his arms, kissing the tears off his face and passing him Kleenex after Kleenex until Kurt felt fused back together again, whole but tender as a brand-new leaf just unfurled.

Possibly he had not fully recovered.

When Jon lobbed the revelation into their kitchen this morning that he was leaving the workplace he was so passionate about, it rocked Kurt again. It was the second verse of the same song--the kind of ballad that would have made Kurt cry anyways even if it wasn't a love song for him.

It was a love song for him. It was exactly the kind of quiet, practical, all-in gesture that he was coming to recognize as Jon's signature style.

Kurt rolled over carefully; Jon's eyes were covered by yet another grey Tshirt, his lips softly parted in sleep. He was unshaven, stubble glinting on his cheeks and making his chest and stomach rough as sandpaper. There was a real possibility Kurt was going to give himself 'rug burn' hugging Jon shirtless for a couple days until his body hair came back in. Kurt laughed quietly. It was probably just the beginning of a long list of weird and mundane things he would get used to about being with one person for the long haul.

He had never been happier.

Slipping out of bed, Kurt washed his face and drank a cold cup of water to ease his tight throat, and then he went downstairs to make some music of his own.

2843 words.

*So it's finally happening. What are your thoughts about this step Jon is taking? What do you imagine their life will look like once he's wrapped up this job? (Do you want to see Jon have this conversation with his boss? I'm thinking of writing it as an epilogue...)

I clearly remember this feeling of exhilaration of leaving virginity behind lol. A little bit like Jon, I was on my honeymoon and wow, the 'morning after' glow was such a treat. It's not the only wholesome way to navigate love and sex, but it was good for my husband and I at the time and I rarely get to see a story like mine in pages.

Who's celebrating with Jon today?? (I don't need a content warning on this chapter here, do I?)

If you  want to peek behind Jon and Kurt's closed door, this intimate, sexy scene is in the Bonus material at the end of this project! Look for 'Bonus Chapter | Very first time.'

Just a handful of chapters left, lovelies, with plans to wrap up our story with a big hoo-ha on Christmas Day! Thanks so much for sticking with me on this lonnnng journey. Seeing your reads and votes every week is one of my favourite things. We're heading to the Whites on Saturday; see you then! <3*