{Kurt}

Kurt's old nightmare had morphed over the past months; it was very simple now. Just a ring on their kitchen table and darkness falling on an empty, echoing house.

Starting awake, Kurt reached out on instinct; Jon's side of the bed was empty. He made a small noise and rolled out of bed to find Jon and just check. Just check that he was still here, and still wanted to be with him.

There was a light on in the kitchen, music playing tinnily out of Jon's laptop. Jon was standing at the counter, legs spread, scrolling through his notes with an intent expression on his face. His lips moved, silently reciting terms and definitions to himself.

Kurt sniffed, wiping his nose on his arm, and Jon glanced his way, eyes widening with surprise, then softening with worry. "Hey love," Jon said. "Up already?"

Kurt took a big breath, the sound of Jon's voice anchoring him in what was real. He shook his head. "Just checking you still exist," he said hoarsely.

Jon caught him before he could turn aside, wrapping him in a gentle hug. "I do exist," Jon said softly. "And I'm finishing school today to be with you." Sighing, Kurt laid his cheek on Jon's hair.

Kurt felt more steady as crawled back under the covers in Jon's bed to try and catch a few more 'zzz's before he had to head out to a job with Douglas. His stomach was too worried to sleep. The ring on his hand was so new; it was too easy for him to imagine Jon changing his mind and just handing it back.

Putting together Jon's drag queen look had been a welcome distraction from the other, more serious, conversation Kurt was aware he needed to have with his partner. He laid awake, hugging his arms against himself and fretting.

Up until now there was little in their physical relationship they had had to talk about. Kurt loved Jon's playful innocence in their bedroom. Jon never wanted to hurt him a little bit for fun or try something that seemed steamy in the moment but left him feeling degraded afterwards. There was a whole category of shit that never even crossed Jon's mind to suggest and Kurt had zero interest in filling out his sex education with that particular course.

God, he felt so clean and treasured when Jon had his hands on him.

Kurt didn't want to wreck it. Yeah, taking the next step might feel amazing and be a deep moment of intimacy for them both. For a few minutes, Kurt's mind wandered past the troubling conversation ahead to where they could end up; the idea of being vulnerable with Jon in that way was so completely appealing that he lost track of his thoughts—other parts of his body were asking for more dedicated attention.

But the reality was they were going to have to talk about Kurt's sexual history before they got there. He didn't know what he knew from the internet; in the absence of anyone who knew or supported teen-aged Kurt's sexuality, he'd had to put together his own sex education live and in-person. It had been a messy process and Kurt regretted some of it, but he had learned from all of it.

He didn't want to turn Jon off, or worse, touch off Jon's temper. They hadn't brought up Kurt's hook ups since their first date in Red Deer. Kurt's memory of that conversation was that they'd barely avoided a major fight; Jon had held his tongue on half the things he looked to have on his mind and Kurt was afraid he was going to set off part two of that conflict trying to talk Jon through this.

Humming uneasily, Kurt rubbed his hands over his face, feeling the unfamiliar scruff of a couple days beard he was letting come in to see if he liked it.

He was pretty sure Jon had put his request out there just counting on Kurt to look after him. Kurt took that responsibility so fucking seriously, God knew. All of Jon's experience with sex was going to be with him. He was determined that Jon would never be hurt or uncomfortable or ashamed of his body when they were together--if it was up to him, and it pretty much was, Jon would have all the joy of good sex he'd ever had, and none of the painful mistakes.

This all mattered so much it tied his stomach in knots. Like Kurt Visser knew anything about saying no to his partner.

He burrowed under the warm cave of their blankets, hugging his arms over his stomach. What if this broke them? What if Jon hadn't put together who exactly he was committing to when he said yes on the mountainside? Maybe in the moment he didn't remember Kurt's history and if Kurt brought it up he'd have second thoughts about partnering him.

After all, they couldn't have been more different in this area; it was astonishing to Kurt that someone who enjoyed sex as much as Jon had waited so long to have it. When it came down to it, it made so much sense to Kurt that Jon would disapprove of Kurt's past choices and be disgusted by his history.

He made a soft sound, tears pricking his eyes again.

A little voice whispered a new thought. Maybe you're overreacting, Kurt. That doesn't sound like what Jon is like.

Those words sounded kind and reasonable as his Grandma Visser and Kurt tried to steady his breathing. He was hurting his own feelings trying to guess Jon's response to this upcoming conversation. His partner regularly surprised him by behaving nothing like the rigid, volatile religious types Kurt had grown up with; he told himself Jon was capable of surprising him again. Hauling himself out of the sinkhole of all those feelings, Kurt went to grab a shower before work.

{Jon}

When Jon walked out of his last exam Thursday afternoon, it didn't sink in that he was done until he stepped into his car, which he had parked at a meter alongside the river valley. The 'thump' of his car door silenced the chatter of clumps of students walking between the brick buildings and it hit him: he was driving off the university campus and he wasn't returning. Exhaling, Jon sagged to drop his forehead against the steering wheel. Done. Thank God.

He turned the car engine over to start the interior warming up and lit a cigarette for a private celebration. There was no question some of his classes had helped equip him in his manager role, which had been his hope when he started this degree. Completing his post-secondary education would have meant a pay raise for Jon at work, and by putting his education on hold he put that financial bonus off indefinitely.

Right now, with the sun glancing off the grey-green curve of the icy North Saskatchewan river, and the leisure to finish this cigarette, Jon didn't care. His current salary wasn't awesome but he split the cost of living with Cary and Kurt and he had enough.

He'd been working and doing full-time school simultaneously for so long he wasn't sure what he would do with all the extra time he would have on his hands next semester.

He could train for a belt test and level up in Jui Jitsu, or take on teaching another class.

He could cook dinner and watch something completely gay with Kurt every night.

He could sleep. God so much sleeping was suddenly possible.

Jon laughed to himself, finishing his cigarette with a long, satisfied drag before flicking it out the window into the snowbank and heading home.

He pulled up at the same time as Cary's truck, and watched his friend swing out of the cab, limping a little but back on his feet for work. Kurt jumped out of the passenger side, his hands full of what looked suspiciously like white take-out bags from Jon's favourite Vietnamese place. Jon ran up behind Kurt on the snowy walk and hugged him so tight he almost picked the other man up off his feet.

"Oop!" Kurt said, laughing. "Watch the Pho, love!"

"I'm so done," Jon said, grinning at him, and pulled his partner's face down for a kiss right in front of their house, their breath smoky in the chilly air.

Kurt nipped his earlobe softly as he pulled away. "Well I'm so glad," he drawled, narrowing his eyes in a smile. "Proud of you, White. I mean--assuming you passed everything."

Jon gave him a little shove. "If I didn't, it's your fault, Visser. Not gonna lie—my focus was not what it was last year."

"Such a shame," Kurt said and sashayed into their house carrying dinner.

In their living room, Cary was rummaging in one of the Christmas totes, and he emerged with a grin flashing in his beard. "Found it." He jammed a knitted red and white striped hat over his mop of hair, giving his head a shake to hear the jingle bells on the ear-flaps and pointed tip chime. "Coming to a Christmas party tonight, Jon?"

"What's happening tonight?" Jon looked curiously from Cary to Kurt.

"All my sober friends are partying at the library with a dessert potluck and unlimited bad coffee," Kurt said cheerfully. "Do you have an ugly Christmas sweater, Jon? You're welcome to join."

Jon laughed softly. "Of course they are. Um, to be honest, I was looking forward to quiet night in."

Kurt shot him a warm smile as he unpacked their dinner at the table. "Well you do you, love. You've earned a break. I won't be out late."

Cary was tunelessly humming what Jon thought was supposed to be a Christmas carol as he dug for the good chopsticks in their silverware drawer. "All my favourite things in one place," he rumbled. "Dessert. Christmas. LEGO."

"Sexy sober people," Kurt added.

Cary huffed a laugh. "Uh, sure. Phyllis is very cute in those—" He traced the shape of the elderly woman's cat-eye glasses around his eyes. "Afraid I'm gonna have to let her down easy--I'm there for the chocolate."

"You're moving better," Jon remarked. "How's your hip?"

"Check this out." Cary lifted his leg and circled his knee around in what looked to Jon like a very unremarkable movement. Cary grinned. "My physio lady is a miracle worker."

"Is she single?" Kurt asked.

"Why--are you looking?" Cary shot back.

Jon smacked his partner's arm. "Leave the poor man alone, Kurt. Can't a person be single around here and just enjoy that?"

Kurt's fair eyebrows quirked up. "Uh--no? Can't relate at all, love."

Jon and Cary both rolled their eyes, exchanging an amused look. "You're just going to have to trust us," Jon said drily. "In the absence of any personal experience."

"I feel like you're throwing shade," Kurt said, waving his tangerine-tipped hand airily. "But I'm gonna take that as a compliment." He pulled up to the table, taking a chopstick in each hand and giving Jon an irrepressible look of mischief.

Laughing, Jon joined him and Cary at the table. As he bowed his head to say a quick grace over their meal, Kurt's hand found his and gave it a squeeze. There was absolutely nothing rote about Jon's words of thanks in his prayer—all of this, every day, felt like a gift.

Both men ate quickly and disappeared to shower and get ready for their party. It only took Jon a few minutes to clear away their take-out containers and then he curled up in Cary's chair, blinking at the twinkle lights softly illuminating the feathery doves on their Christmas tree. He checked his mental to-do list out of habit and realized there was nothing on there. No readings to finish, no assignments hanging over his head. One work shift, one staff meeting to go, and he was on holidays.

Hearing steps on the stairs, he turned his head to watch Kurt make an entrance. His partner's version of 'ugly Christmas sweater' was a long, elegant cardigan, with red and green poinsettias picked out in tiny sparkling beads that 'swished' softly as he moved. Jon's lips curved in a smile; of course Kurt couldn't wear anything that was actually ugly.

"Do you want an after-dinner coffee?" Kurt asked. "I have a couple minutes."

Jon unfolded from the squishy embrace of Cary's 'big man chair' and joined Kurt in the kitchen. "Sure. Tea, love, thanks." This had become a bit of an evening ritual—after dinner Cary typically cleared out to his drawing studio, leaving his two housemates a little time to talk in private.

Kurt put the kettle on the stove and checked the time. "Do you have a night shift coming up?"

Jon's grin felt like it lifted his whole face. "Nope, Angel's covering for me until staff meeting tomorrow. I get a full night's sleep."

Kurt glanced at Jon through his bangs, smiling back, but his eyes looked tight and a little worried. "Do you think...we could come back to the conversation we started in the honeymoon suite?" Kurt's voice was soft and a little feminine. "I've had a think about that and...an answer for you."

Jon's eyebrows flicked up with interest. "Yes," he said. "Tell me all the things, Kurt. I'm listening."

*It's another epic 3-chapter weekend with the guys. I'm pushing hard to finish all these words! I appreciate every read vote and comment <33 See you tomorrow, lovelies!*

2196 words.