"Afraid", David Bowie

As Aidan fell asleep beside me, my mind was restless. I got up and paced the living room. I was worried about him. But that was not all. That was on top of this quiet anguish that inhabited me since I had been back. I felt the space shrinking around me, as my heart was beating louder and louder.

I squeezed between my fingers Ethan's ring, which I wore now on a chain around my neck. I saw images in my mind, dark, blurry. It felt like there was a fire inside me, a power that could overwhelm me if I let it. And I did not know how to stop it.

I thought about Rafael's drug. Until there was nothing else in my mind.

Then I dressed up, took my keys and went outside. I knew where to get easily some information about a guy like Rafael. It did not take very long for me to find him.

"Oh the immortal! Glad to see you again. Such a surprise," he said with his usual smirk, seating at a table in a classy bar. A well-known façade for the parisian underworld.

"Just give it to me," I said.

"I definitely like your style."

He led me to the back room.

"How much is it?" I said.

"One bag."

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

He laughed. "You don't think I want money for this?"

"You want my blood?"

"Hey, that's precious cargo. It's worth a lot on the black market. And I could find some use of it myself," he said while brushing his sorcerer's tattoos with his fingers.

I hesitated and he got out a jar of the powder. I could anticipate its effect. I needed it. To shut off the anguish, the pain. Even for a second.

"Alright," I said.

I did not come home immediately that night. I went to my office at The Pearl, which was empty and closed at this hour, and opened the glass jar.

I had not felt this euphoria in such a long time. But I knew right away the cost. I knew the illusion of it. I felt guilty. I fell down a spiral I thought I had escaped many centuries ago. And when I went back to Aidan, I lied down in bed and my nightmares were even worse than before. But I knew that I would go back to the glass jar, again and again.