"I'm sorry, Szaji. I really am," Amore's fucking crying in front of my face.

She just admitted that she's pregnant.

"Then what do you want me to do, Amore?" I asked her. Controlling my damn anger.

"He's going to take his responsibility as the father. Monty and I already talked about this, Szaji. Please understand," she mumbled.

That fast? Guess he's hardworking then.

I rubbed my face abruptly. I just couldn't understand why Amore did it.

"Like I fucking care?" I said sternly.

Amore looked up on me. Her pleading eyes were making my inside to go numb.

"Szaji," she protested.

Was it because she didn't love me? Was it her reason why did she cheat on me?

"Potangina lang, Amore! Potangina lang at nabuntis ka ng gagong 'yon!" I yelled at her face.

It was my fucking pride as a man. I did everything that I thought I should do. But that mother fucker really has the guts!

"You know that I don't love you, Szaji! I don't love you enough to think of getting married and have kids with you! Can't you understand?!"

"So why the fuck did you fucking agreed with this fucking engagement then?!"

If she don't love me, was it that hard for her to be at least honest?

Potangina lang dahil yumuko siya sa harap ko. Yumuko siya kasabay ng dahan-dahan niyang pagluhod sa lupa habang nasa harap niya ako at kausap.

"Mahal ko si Monty, Szaji. I love him so much that I don't care if I cheated on you with him," she said.

I scoffed. Napakuyom ako ng mga kamao ko dahil sa narinig kong sagot niya.

Is it what love means? Betraying people so you can love deliberately? Because if it is, should I do it? Should I betray the woman who I love instead?

"Then fucking go and be with him, Amore." I uttered emotionless before walking away.

Umalis ako ng bahay at mabilis na nagmaneho papunta ng club. I wanted to be wasted. I wanted to kill myself by drinking just to forget her for a while. I fucking did all the things that I could but all I got was them, betraying me.

I gave Angelo a call and told him I'm going to a club located in Makati. Pinatay ko rin ang tawag matapos kong sabihin 'yon sa kanya.

Galit ako. Galit na galit ako dahil kay Amore ngayon. But damn man, I'm still thinking of forgiving her so I can have her again.

Pumasok ako sa club na may sumasayaw na mga babae sa intablado. They were only wearing panties and thin cloth to cover their bodies. But none of them got me.

It didn't take long until Angelo arrived at the club. I was sitting on the last row on the last table. Kaya hindi na rin siya nahirapang hanapin ako. Nang makaupo siya ay agad din siyang humingi ng alak.

"What happened, Szaji?" he asked me.

Tumitig lang ako sa harap at pinukos ang mga mata sa mga babaing sumasayaw. Dumating ang alak na hiningi niya kaya agad akong naglagay sa baso ko at nilagok 'yon.

"She's pregnant so she ended it," sagot ko lamang.

"What the fuck?!"

Gulat na tanong sa akin ng kaibigan ko. I only shrugged my shoulder and poured my glass a liquor before drinking it in a gulped.

Nakita kong nag-iba na ang bilang ng mga babaing sumasayaw. They changed their dancers.

"Mahal daw niya, eh. Alangan naman pigilan ko?"

"She cheated on you."

"You got the answer then."

"What?!"

I saw one of those women dancing on the stage who seems different. She was only wearing a piece of fabric around her body. Her curves were perfect. Maputi at mahaba rin ang medyo unat niyang buhok.

My eyes didn't left her until she walked down the stage.

"She wouldn't cheat if she's contented," I stated.

"Damn, man."

Muli akong lumagok ng alak habang nakatuon ang mga mata ko sa babaing kanina ko pa tinitignan. She was walking towards our table. Naglihis ako ng tingin nang makita kong tinignan niya ako.

What the fuck, Kier!

I became uneasy when she was getting near and nearer our table. Bigla ko na lamang kinuha ang bote ng alak at lumagok mula roon.

Angelo stopped me.

"Oh, come on, Szaji! Stop thinking about her, okay? Narito tayo para magsaya!"

"Can't stop myself," I mumbled.

I fixed my eyes on her again when she was dancing in front of us. Swaying her hips side by side and touching her body as if she's inviting me.

She was staring at me while she was dancing. I remained staring at her too. Doon ko lang napansin ang kakaibang kulay ng kanyang mga mata nang mahagip ng kulay pulang ilaw ang mukha niya.

Her beauty was exquisite.

She has an stirling deep prominent blue eyes with a thin and wide eyebrows. A short and well-shaped nose with her wide lips.

"What's your name?" I asked the woman who's dancing in front of us.

I saw her stopped. It took her seconds before answering my question.

"Haier..."

Haier... Pag-uulit ko sa loob ng isipan ko.

She was looking at me deeply that I felt her weighing me. I was not drunk but I already felt I was. I took a gulped secretly before asking her a question that was on my head from the moment I saw her.

"Wanna get laid tonight?"

I heard Angelo scoffed beside me again. Hindi ko nilingon ang kasama ko at nanatiling nakatitig sa kanya.

Sa malakas at senswal na tunog ng tugtog sa loob ng club ay narinig ko ang mahina at pilit ang sayang sagot niya sa akin.

"Sure!"

That night was our first meeting. She wasn't pure when I touched her the first time. I know myself that she already gave it to someone. And I don't even know why I was thinking about the man who had her first time.

Meeting Haier was the reason why I changed my life for the better. At first, since Amore and I broke up, my damn thinking keeps telling me to do what she did to me. That I should avenge my pride as a man.

But when I met Haier, saw what she's doing only to live. For her family, it made me think several times if I should do it regardless of what could be the outcome.

Hindi ko alam no'n kung bakit kailangan niyang gawing pangkabuhayan ang ganyang uri ng trabaho. I was damn thinking why does she need to do it when there were tons of jobs that might suit her better.

But then, I was also thankful that she's working on a club. Because I got the chance to be with her in exchange of a penny.

Wala akong pakialam kung maubos man ang pera ko kakabayad sa kanya. Wala akong ibang gusto kung hindi ang pumunta ng club at bayaran ultimo na segundong iginugugol niya sa akin. Wala akong pakialam kung bakit ako naging gano'n.

In every day that passes by since the moment I met Haier, all I want was to earn money so I can provide for her. Na kahit ang sarili kong pera ay wala na akong pakialam kung mauubos lang kakabayad ko sa serbisyong tinatawag niya.

Because I'd rather spend every cent I have only to make sure that she wouldn't do it with other man. That she wouldn't give her service with the use of her body to someone other than me.

Alam kong wala akong karapatan para gawin 'yon. She didn't know me as much as I didn't know her either. Ngunit hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ayaw ko sa isiping gagawin niya sa iba ang bagay na ginagawa namin.

I fucking lost my damn control when I saw Haier being with the man who she loved firstly. I was damn ranging when I saw her being touched by that asshole right after my eyes.

"Fucking get your arm off from her, you fucker." I commanded firmly.

Why the fuck is he touching my woman?!

That asshole only looked at me. He even pulled my woman closed to him that made my blood boil.

"Don't move, Haier." It was the motherfucker.

"Harold, ano ba... Bitawan mo nga ako!"

"Fucking get away from his hold, Haier." I ordered her.

I saw the fear on her blue eyes when she saw me looking at her intently. She panicked when I clenched my jaw while piercing my pairs on the arms of the asshole wrapped around her tiny waist.

"Harold, pakawalan mo sabi ako, ano ba?!"

"No, Haier."

"I said, let me go, Harold!"

Hindi ako gumalaw at nanatiling nakatitig sa kanila.

"Why would I let you go with a man that I don't even know?! Huh, Haier?!"

Say that again?!

"Bobo ka ba, Harold?! O sadyang tanga ka lang?!" My woman yelled at him face to face.

"What the fuck, Haier?!"

The surprised face of that dimwit made me smirked on my inside. But I was still mad. I was still furious.

I was a fucking territorial when it comes to my property. But my woman, Haier, was not my property. Because she was my law. I was letting her rule me.

"Kier..."

"Stay right there, Haier. Don't come any closer."

I don't want her to come near me. Dahil baka kapag lumapit na siya sa akin ay hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong angkinin siya.

"What do you mean—"

"Fucking stay where you are standing, Haier!" I shouted her.

Alam ko sa sarili kong pagsisisihan ko ang kung ano'ng ginagawa ko ngayon. But I just couldn't let her do that. Letting him claim her.

Takot na ako. Potangina dahil takot na takot na ako na maulit ang nangyari sa akin. I don't think I can still make it if Haier cheat on me. Kung maging ang babaing tinatrato kong batas ko ay tatalikuran din ako.

Maybe it was my damn paranoia that keeps on giving me ideas that she will do it. But I just can't treat it like nothing. Because it's Haier. Siya iyon kaya paano ko babaliwalain 'yon?

Muli ko siyang sinigawan nang makita kong humakbang siya ng isang beses palapit sa akin.

"Potangina, Haier! I fucking told you to fucking stop right there!"

The asshole hand landed of my damn face. Pakiramdam ko ay pumutok ang gilid ng labi ko nang suntukin ako ng gagong 'yon. Kita kong galit siya dahil sa ginawa ko.

"Ikaw ang potangina mo!" Dinuro niya ako.

"Harold, stop it! Ano ba?!" Gulong sigaw ni Haier.

All I want you was to fucking get away from him, Haier. Was it that hard? Was it that hard for you to take a step away from him?

"Ang lakas mo rin para murahin ng gano'n si Haier! Sino ka ba sa akala mo, ha?!"

His question hit me. Doon ako nagising sa tanong na iyon sa akin. Sino nga ba ako? What was I for her?

Naramdaman ko na lang na nakalapit na si Haier sa akin. I saw the worry on her eyes but I don't want to think that she really is. Dahil kung nag-aalala siya sa akin, bakit pa siya sumama sa potanginang lalaking 'yon?

"K-Kier, may sugat ka..." I heard Haier whispered.

I didn't mind what she said and wiped the blood on the side of my lips using the back of my hand before staring at her blankly.

I saw her took a step backward when she saw the look on my eyes.

I'm sorry, baby. But I want you to learn something that you didn't know yet.

"If I have known your worth, I should have buy you before."

Her mouth fell open after hearing my words for her. Napakuyom na lamang ako ng mga palad ko nang masabi ko 'yon sa kanya. I know that I'll regret it. But it's for her. She should learn on how to give distance in everything.

Umalis ako at tinalikuran siya. Pinaandar ko ang sasakyan kong nakaparada malapit sa club na pinagtatrabahuan niya at iniwan sila roon.

I went to my condo in Makati. I was walking too fast because of my anger. I was on my floor when my phone suddenly ringed. It was Amore's calling.

Wala akong planong sagutin ang tawag na iyon ni Amore. But I didn't know what's gotten into me that I clicked the answer button to take her call.

"Why calling?" I asked nonchalantly.

"Szaji..."

I didn't tell her to say my fucking name.

"Tinatanong kita kung ano ang kailangan mo."

I didn't have time to waste for her. We ended our relationship so why was she calling me?

"C-can you come over to my p-place—"

I ended the call when I saw Haier walking fastly to my unit.

Kita ko ang kaba sa mukha niya habang naglalakad siya. But why was she here? She should be spending her night with that fucker.

I walked and followed her. Tumigil siya sa harap ng pinto ng condo unit ko at pinindot ang doorbell. She was pressing the doorbell for couple of times and decided to sat on the floor when no one's opened the door.

Nasa may elevator lamang ako at tinitignan siya. I thought she'll go home when the door stayed closed. But minutes already pass yet she was still there.

I decided to show up so I walked towards her. I heard her mumbled my name.

"What are you doing here?"

I remained my face stoic. I don't want her to see me weak when it comes to her. I don't even know why I was being like that. A weakling.

Hindi niya ako sinagot at nanatiling nakatitig sa akin.

"I'm asking you, woman. What are you doing here?" I asked her again.

Kinakabahan siya. Sigurado ako roon.

"K-Kier..."

Can you explain, Haier? Dahil baka kapag narinig ko 'yan, mawala ang galit sa loob ko.

"K-kanina pa kita hinihintay dito," kagat ang labing sabi niya sa akin. "Where have you b-been?"

There... Looking at you.

"Why? Did I tell you to wait, Haier?"

She shook her head. Her eyes made me have a second thought. They were making me give in.

"No, you didn't," she answered. "I-I was the one who did it without being told."

"Then fuck off, Haier. I don't fucking need you here. Dahil baka siya... Baka siya kailangan ka niya."

But I also need you. I don't want to share you with him. I don't like him touching you.

"Magpapaliwanag lang ako, Kier—"

I cut her.

"Baka mas magaling siya na paungulin ka kaysa sa akin kaya hinayaan mo siya."

I know that it was below the belt. That I shouldn't have said those words. Pero paano naman ako kung hindi niya malalaman ang ayaw at gusto ko?

"Sigurado ka ba?" she asked me after seconds.

I glanced at her. Her teary blue eyes, it was the last thing I want to see on her. But I was the fucking reason why she was like that.

"About what?"

I'm fucked up.

"Na hindi mo ako kailangan?"

Oh, fuck! I fucking needed you the most!

But my damn ego decided to lie to her.

"Sigurado ako, Haier. Umalis ka na." Pagtataboy ko sa kanya.

"If I leave right now, Kier, I will sleep with Harold. I will moan his name in the middle of the night. I will let him touch me the way you did."

My jaw tightened when I  heard her said that. I gritted my teeth and pressed my lips in a thin line.

"Trabaho mo 'yan. Kaya hindi kita pipigilan."

Kahit ang ideya lang na naroon siya at kasama niya ay pakiramdam ko makakapatay ako. Then she told me that she will sleep with him?!

I don't think I can stand it.

Ayaw na ayaw ko ang may kahati kahit sa anong bagay. I don't fucking like sharing what's mine. But when it comes to Haier, I fucking swallowed my own words.

She worked for me. She, inside my house the reason why I got most of the time seeing her. It was the life I want. Haier, being near me.

May mga araw na hinihintay ko siya. Umuuwi ako ng condo nang wala pa siya. And it made me damn nervous that I could feel my insides throbbing because of anticipation of seeing and waiting for her. Only to find out that she was with him. She was with her first love.

I was okay with that. Kahit ang ako na lang ang makihati sa oras niya, kuntento na ako roon. Pinipilit kong maging kuntento kaysa sa piliin niyang bumalik kay Harold.

We were okay. Ayos na kami at wala nang iniisip. But damn that fucking Monty for maltreating Amore!

Amore rushed to my place with bruises on her back. Hindi ko alam kong ano ang uunahin ko. I called Haier to come along without knowing that Amore's coming.

I didn't know that Haier was there. I didn't have a clue that she saw me with Amore. But I didn't do anything. Wala akong ginawa para magalit sa akin si Haier. It was that, Amore fucking kissed me.

I didn't know what to do. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko no'n. I didn't even got the assurance from Haier but I already sucked everything to hell.

She left the country. Nalaman ko na lang na umalis na siya ng bansa dalawang araw matapos ko maayos ang kay Amore.

I was a waste. I felt like I was abandoned by the person I love deeply. Pakiramdam ko ay nawalan ako ng buhay. Not seeing Haier, it drove me into madness.

Lagi akong lasing. Umiinom sa club kung saan siya nagtatrabaho no'n. I was there not to find a pussy where I can enter. I was there because I was waiting for her.

But two years had past, she didn't came back. Amore committed suicide. I lost it all. I lost Haier for trying to protect Amore. But it went on waste. She chose to end her life and left nothing.

Doon ko naging kaibigan si Harold. The man who was Haier's first in all. He told me that Haier's with him. That she brought her with him to New York.

I felt alive. Knowing where she was after years, pakiramdam ko ay muli akong nabuhay.

"Fucking get yourself together, man," his words for me.

Doon ako muling nagsimula. I started to fix myself. I waited for her to come back. Araw-araw ay palaging hinihintay ko ang tawag ni Harold. Getting news from him about Haier. I was good knowing that she was doing well.

And when she came back, I chased her. I begged for her to take me again. I pleaded only to be with her again. Because I couldn't stay even a day without her. Haier's my everything.

Ngunit parang bombang sumabog ang ulo ko nang nalaman kong may anak kami. Harold didn't say a word about Haier's pregnancy! I was an ass. I wasn't aware that my woman was carrying my child.

Akala ko no'n ay si Haier na lang ang dahilang mayroon ako upang manatili. But knowing that we have a child, it made me alive even more.

"Hold your tears, gago. Baka takbuhan ka ni Haier kapag nakita kang umiiyak, sige ka!"

Pinanlisikan ko ng mga mata ang gagong katabi ko.

I couldn't contain it. I couldn't hold my tears back thinking that my woman will be mine alone and forever.

The wooden door of the church opened. I wiped my tears on the side of my eyes as I fixed them in front. Kasabay ng pagbukas ng hagdan ng simbahan ay ang paglakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko.

You would always ask me

Those words I say

And telling me what it means to me...

And there... It started.

People begun walking on the center. Naramdaman kong binundol ako ni Harold sa likod ko. I didn't glanced him and focused my eyes on the entrance.

Every single day

You always act this way

For how many times I told you

I love you...

My hands are shaking because of too much nervous. I couldn't wait any longer to see her walking towards me.

For this is all I know

Come to me and hold me

And you will see

The love I give

For you still hold the key...

With the last person before she came, my heart went hire wired.

Every single day

You always act this way

For how many times I told you

I love you...

This is the moment I was waiting for too long. In a motion, I saw my bride stepping on the door wearing an elegant white dress. From then, I lost it.

My fucking chest tightened at the sight of her wearing a wedding dress and holding flowers. My eyes suddenly swelled witnessing my woman coming near me.

Haier... My wife...

Hindi ko mapigilan ang maiyak habang nakikita ko siyang naglalakad palapit sa akin. This will be her first and last march in front the altar to take an oath for us to be together.

For this is all I know

I'll never go far away from you

Even the sky will tell you

That I need you so

For this is all I know

I'll never go far away from you...

She automatically smiled when she saw me crying. Wala akong pakialam kung ano ang sahihin ng gagong katabi ko dahil sa kakaiyak ko. The feelings are to much that I couldn't handle them without crying.

Haier clung her hand on my arm. Despite my tears, my lips stretched for a warm and satisfied smile.

"Stop crying, love..." she whispered that made me teared up even more.

Huminga ako nang malalim bago maingat na suminok at punasan ang mga mata ko.

"I love you," I said. "Every day of every week. Every minutes of every hour. Every seconds of my life, baby," I told her. Sincerely. "Both you and Gael, together with our coming children, I love you with all of me," I stated.

Taking everything for our love, is love. Maging moral o immoral man  iyon, pagmamahal at pagmamahal pa rin 'yon.

Acceptance, betrayals, sacrifices and forgiveness, they are one that can define our love. Love cannot be measured, yes. But love do counts.

With her, I found my refuge. I found the reason to continue living. And I found the love that I thought I wouldn't from the moment I was broke.

Haier, my woman, my life, and my everything. She is the one who brought my best and my worst. She is the one who can only wake my sleeping sensations.

A life without even her shadow that can be seen, is like a hell that is lightless yet blazing.

I, Kier Szaji De Asis, ought to be ruled entirely by her, Innesa Haier Mcallen—De Asis, my love.