Manong helped me with Harold. Ako habang nakaalalay sa kanang balikat niya habang si manong naman sa kaliwa. Dahan-dahan lamang ang lakad namin papasok sa bahay niya. I can hear him groaning while we are heading the stairs to his room. Nangangalay na rin ang balikat ko dahil sa bigat ng damuho.

Nang makarating kami sa ikalawang palapag ng bahay niya ay doon ako nagpakawala ng mabibigat na paghinga.

I glanced at Manong.

"Saan ho ang kwarto niya?" hinihingal na tanong ko.

Manong pointed the black wooden door that was facing the white one. Sa gitna ng mga pintong iyon ay isang may kalakihang lamesa na gawa rin sa kahoy. There was a jar that was on the top of the table and picture frames each side. Sa taas no'n ay may bilog na malaking orasan.

"Ipasok na ho natin, Manong. Masakit na rin ang balikat ko, eh," sabi ko na nagpatawa sa matanda.

"Siya nga ho, ma'am. Sumasakit na rin ang tuhod ko sa bigat ni sir Harold," aniya, natatawa.

Dumiretso kami ng lakad hanggang sa marating namin ang harap ng kwartong itim ang pinto. Manong was the one who opened the door and entered first. Sumunod ako habang hawak-hawak pa rin si Harold.

Agad sumalubong sa amin ang kulay abong kama. Doon kami agad dumiretso at dahan-dahang inilapag si Harold na ngayon ay humihilik na. Inayos ko ang mga paa niyang nakababa pa rin sa lapag at isinampay iyon sa kama niya.

Umayos ako ng tayo at hinarap si manong. He was looking at Harold while tilting his head as if he's disappointed about something.

"Manong," pag-agaw ko sa atensiyon ng matandang kasama ko.

Nilingon niya ako, "Bakit ho, ma'am?"

Itinuro ko si Harold. Sinundan niya iyon ng tingin.

"Ako na ho bahala sa kanya. Lilinisin ko na lang bago ako umalis," saad ko.

Tumango sa akin si Manong bago muling lingunin si Harold.

"Ay, sige ho, ma'am. May kailangan pa ho kase akong puntahan ngayon. Mauna na ho ako. Salamat ho," he said before leaving.

Nang makaalis na si Manong ay tinitigan ko muna si Harold. While I was staring at him, I couldn't stop myself from thinking how reckless he was. Basta-basta na lamang niyang itatanong iyon sa akin habang ganyan ang sitwasyon niya. He's still the same...

Naglakad ako at lumapit sa lalaking malalim na ang tulog sa kama niya. Una kong tinanggal ang sapatos niya bago isunod ang medyas na suot niya. Kinuha ko ang mga iyon at inilagay sa gilid ng kama.

Matapos kong gawin 'yon ay sumampa ako at maingat na umupo sa bakanting bahagi sa may tabi ni Harold. I lifted my hand and placed it on his tummy. Tinatanggal ko ang pagkaka-butones ng suot niyang polo shirt nang maramdaman kong pumulupot sa beywang ko ang mga braso niya. My eyes landed on where his arms were.

Akala ko ba tulog 'to?

"Harold..." Tinapik-tapik ko ang mukha niya.

Umungot siya sa tawag ko. His arms tightened around my waist.

"Hey... Wake up..." I whispered.

Hindi na siya gumalaw pa matapos kong sabihin iyon. Narinig ko na lamang ang mabibigat niyang paghinga senyalis na mahimbing na ang tulog niya. Tinapos ko ang kaninang ginagawa ko.

I changed his clothes. Hindi ko pinakialaman ang pantalon na suot niya. Binalot ko na lamang siya ng kumot at binuksan ang aircon sa loob ng kwarto niya bago bumaba.

Dumiretso ako sa baba at nagtungo sa kusina niya. I was planning to make him some soup for his hangover. Pihadong masakit na naman ang ulo no'n mamayang paggising niya.

It was already one forty-seven when I finished cooking. Lugaw lang iyon at nilagyan ko lang ng karning nakita ko sa ref niya. Pinatay ko ang stove at bumalik sa taas. He was still sleeping. Kinuha ko na lamang ang upuang kahoy na naroon at inilagay iyon sa gilid ng kama bago ako umupo roon. I was looking at Harold's sleeping face when I fell asleep.

Nagising na lamang ako nang maramdaman kong parang may nakamasid sa akin. I was scratching my eyes while I was opening them to checked who it was. I saw Harold leaning on the headboard of the bed while scrutinizing my face. I fixed my hair before I stood up.

"You're awake," he stated.

I nodded my head.

"Yeah... Ano'ng oras na?" I asked him.

Harold looked at his wristwatch.

"Almost seven..."

"What?!" Horrified, I asked.

What the hell?! Ala syete na?!

With doubt about what Harold just said, I  quickly ran towards the window to check if it's already dark outside. But to my horror, it was already dark!

Oh my god! I still need to go home... Maybe... Maybe he's still waiting for me there...

Ang agad na pumasok sa isip ko nang makita kong madilim na sa labas ay si Kier. Bigla kong naalala ang kung ano ang sinabi niya kanina. He said that he'll wait for me to come home. Na hihintayin niya akong makabalik sa bahay niya. But what did I just do? It's almost seven yet... Yet, I am still here. I am still with Harold.

"Y-you're feeling good, right? Maayos ka na, 'di ba? Kung okay na ano... I need to go." I was terrified. The thought of Kier's waiting for me to get home terrifies me.

I get my phone from the bed and quickly turned my body behind Harold. I was about to go out from his room when he stopped me. Harold pulled me forcedly that I went back from where I was.

I stared at Harold with my eyes blazing with furies not because of him. But it was because of me. It was because of myself. It was because of the truth that I did hurt Kier again. That I inflicted pain on him for the third time.

"Explain first, Haier. I need you to explain what happened to my child," Harold's angry voice invaded my hearing.

Marahil kung sa ibang pagkakataon lamang ito ay nanginginig na sa kaba ang kalooban ko dahil sa tanong at tono ng boses niya. But no, I was more nervous because of the fact that I was hurting Kier again.

Inalis ko ang mga kamay niyang nakahawak sa pulsuhan ko.

"Harold, I need to go first. Please..." I didn't know what was my voice sounds like.

Nagagalit ako sa sarili ko habang nagmamakaawa ang mga mata kong nakatitig kay Harold.

All I want was to get away from him. Because I want to go and be with Kier.

"Paliwanag mo lang, Haier. Kahit iyon lang para hayaan kitang umalis dito."

The certainty of his voice made me realized that I should tell him. I must explain it to Harold.

I closed my eyes tightly for seconds before opening them again. I want Harold to see what I wanted him to see before. The determination to do it because of his deeds.

"Do you really think that I can let him live with this kind of living that I have, Harold?" tanong kong nagpakunot ng noo niya.

I saw how Harold face puzzled because of my question. Marahil ay hindi niya makuha kung ano ang pinupunto ko base sa kung paano ko makitang mag-iba ang emosyong bumalatay sa mukha niya.

"Say it clear, Haier." Mariing utos niya sa akin.

I'll be going in minutes, Kier...

I stared at him directly with pure seriousness. His stares was weighing mine. But I didn't jerk. I equalled his stares on me before saying...

"I committed abortion."

I committed abortion because I was a prostitute.

His eyelids dropped and his mouth went round hearing what I just said. Hindi ako kumurap at nanatiling nakatitig sa kanya ng seryoso.

There. I said it.

Naramdaman kong parang may humawak sa puso ko nang sabihin ko iyon na animo'y sanay na ako. But the truth was, I felt my heart torn into small of billions of pieces. Masakit pa rin. Masakit pa rin sa akin sa tuwing naalala ko iyon. Because he was my child. It was my baby.

Harold pointed me. His eyes swelled in tears realizing the words I said.

"Y-you... W-why?" His voice broke. I looked away.

Naramdaman kong mamasa ang gilid ng mga mata ko dahil sa uri ng tanong niya.

"I'm sorry," is what I can give him.

"Potangina." Malutong na mura niya.

Muli akong lumingon kay Harold. My heart broke when I saw how his tears fell from his eyes. Naramdaman kong tumulo ang butil ng luha mula sa kaliwang mata ko.

"You left me, Harold! Iniwan mo ako kaya ano ang gusto mong gawin ko?! Na hayaan kong mabuhay ang bata kahit na alam ko kung ano'ng klasing buhay ang naghihintay sa kanya sa puder ko?!"

Napaiyak ako. My eyes swam with tears because of my own words. Even when I was sorry, I couldn't help it.

I know what I said wouldn't let him understand why I did it. That it wouldn't justify the mistakes that I did. But what can I do? I don't want my child to be born with the life that I have. Ayaw kong mabuhay ang anak ko kung alam ko kung ano'ng uri ng buhay ang naghihintay sa kanya.

I was a mere prostitute. I was only a slut. A whore. Kaya paano ko siya bubuhayin ng marangal? Paano ko maibibigay ang buhay na hindi kagaya sa kung ano ang mayroon ako?

"You should have at least let him see the value of life, Haier! But why did you have to do it?! Bakit kailangan mo pa ang patayin ang anak natin?!"

It hits me.

It was also the question that I couldn't find an answer.

Why do I still need to kill my child? Why is it need to be me?

I was already sobbing while Harold was crying in tears. I didn't expect this day to come. I wasn't expecting Harold to find out the true tragedy behind my pregnancy before. Because I didn't know what explanations I could give. I didn't know what kind of reasons should I tell him.

Harold shoo me from his house. Itinaboy niya ako paalis ng bahay niya sa galit niya sa akin. I was walking passively on the highway. I didn't know what to do. I know where I went wrong. But I only did it not just for me. Para rin iyon sa bata.

I smiled bitterly.

"I wasn't a person. I wasn't a woman..." I murmured.