Kabanata 26:

Mad at you

Things were getting gloomy after his grandma's unexpected visit.

Days and nights had passed by like a swift of the wind. Silent conflict and misunderstanding were brewing us. It was slowly wrecking our relationship.

Habang tahimik kaming kumakain ng almusal pansin ko na naman ang matamlay niyang kilos.

Palagi nalang ganito. It was like an endless cycle. Uuwi siyang lasing at walang gana kinaumagahan.

He was losing what he wanted for us. I had no clue the reason behind his vagary behavior.

Mapanglaw niyang inikot-ikot ang tinidor sa pasta.

"I have to go."

He'd have been going out simultaneously.

"Again? Where?"

Tumayo siya. He sipped his black coffee before giving me his attention.

"There's something I have to do."

He smiled at me as if that supposed to assure me.

I swallowed down what I really feel like saying. I kept on hiding what should I wanted to say.

I did not want him to think that I'm finding fault, or caging him tightly with my prohibitions as his girlfriend.

Normal naman ang mag-alala. Normal lang naman ang mga problema. Life is not perfect without problems. Ganoon din sa isang relasyon. Walang maayos na relasyon kapag pareho ang walang planong ayusin ang problema.

Siguro tumakas ako sa problema na mayroon ako sa Maynila.

Napagtanto ko naman ang lahat sa pananatili ko sa Sussana Coast.

The peacefulness of the place and the real-life problems I encountered with him gave me huge realizations. Even it was minuscule, or the lamest of all problems, napagtanto ko ang lahat dahil sa kanya.

It might be the natural effect of being with the person you truly loved as if it he was the home of reliance, and your pillar of concern. That he was just made for you.

He'd have been the nicest boyfriend. And I was giving him back what he truly deserved.

"Do you trust me?" may halong pang-aakusa ang tono niya.

"Yes. I trusted you, Dev. Pero buong linggo ka ng umuuwi ng lasing. I'm worrying about you. It's not good to you. To your health..."

"Babalik kaagad ako. May inaasikaso akong importante, babe."

He was lying.

His reasons were shallow, invalid, and unconvincingly feeble for me. It might work for another woman, but not for me. He was good at making pretty lies.

"Huwag ka lang sanang umabot pa ng gabi, Dev."

But in the end of my assailing doubt, I concurred to him. Like I always did. Maybe that was the essence of being in a relationship. The essence of love. There was the presence of benevolence of understanding and trust.

I watched him walk away just like that.

He didn't leave any instructions such like: lock the doors: don't receive any guest when I'm not around. Even a kiss of extension of his assurance, he didn't spare me one.

He was gradually changing, not for the betterment just like what he showed to me for the past months of sunshine we have shared. The Devon I know was fading.

He wasn't like that. Alam niya kung may hindi kaming pagkakaunawaan. He could smell it. He could sense the problem better than the wild and keen sensory of a carnivorous mammal.

Maybe he was giving up on me. He was tired of me. He was tired of everything. He was tired of us.

Hindi niya lang sinasabi sa akin pero masyadong halata ang mga kilos niya.

It left me unhinged.

***

Alas dose. Nasa balkonahe ako, naghihintay sa pagbalik niya.

Kinakagat ng lamig ang aking balat.

Wala paring Devon ang umuuwi. I didn't give him a curfew. Who am I to give him one if I sense I was suffocating him?

Hindi ko matiis ang pag-aalala. Gamit ang Jaguar ay umalis ako sa bahay para hanapin siya. I didn't care about the danger of the road. How risky it was to drive in the middle of the night.

I couldn't just sleep with my empty side. I couldn't sleep without him.

Nang nakasignal ang phone ko ay nilocate ko ang cell phone number niya sa google map. It helped me. I parked the car in a sidewalk with bunch of guys celebrating their debauchery. Tinungga ni Devon ang bote at napahiyaw ang mga kasamahan niya.

He was a wild and free man with the indulgence of alcohol. Kinalas ko ang seatbelt at madaling sumibad sa isang siradong tindahan kung saan sila nag-iinuman.

Beer and sweat stick on the air as I got nearer. Gusto kong masuka sa amoy ng sigarilyo, beer, at bantot na amoy ng basurahan.

"Diavolo, may chicks o!" tawag ng isang payat na lalaki.

Dahil sa butot-balat nitong pangangatawan kitang-kita ang kanyang ribcage na hapit na hapit sa suot niyang white sleeveless.

"Maganda. Makinis." sabi ng naka-blonde ang buhok.

His hair and skin had no balance in color.

Dumistansiya ako sa kanila ng kaunti. Drunk guys weren't safe to get along with even there's Devon to somehow save me.

Realization was beginning to seize my drunkard boyfriend. He run his hair in frustration. His cheeks were turning pink like what he's feeling was emanating right through his skin.

"Tirahin na natin." panunulsol ng isang kalbo na nagmukhang buntis sa laki ng tiyan niya.

Devon slammed the bottle of beer in the hardwood table. Naglaglagan ang mga walang lamang bote.

His eyes were shooting them with laser beams. He gritted his teeth like an angry dog. He clutched the bald guy to make him witness the anger he had with what he said.

"Subukan niyo lang, baka gusto niyong mag-agahan sa presinto ng may mga pasa o manirahan sa bilangguan ng labindalawang buwan."

"Sige, Dev. Manguli nami!"

Nag-uunahan silang tumakbo. May naiwan pang tsinelas na hindi na nila inatubiling binalikan.

He was too drunk. Inalalayan ko siya papasok ng kotse. He was silent inside the car. He didn't even turn that night to look at me. He didn't ask for apology.

***

Inalalayan ko siya palabas ng kotse. Bumagsak kami sa buhangin nang nakabalik kami sa Sussana Coast.

"Come on, Dev. Napakabigat mo. Please don't make this hard for me."

Several attempts on urging him to stand up were never successful.

Gusto ata niyang sa buhangin nalang matulog. Marahan ko siyang hinila bago kami pumirmi at bumalanse ang mga paa namin.

He couldn't walk properly. We were staggering when we set our feet on the balcony. I was thinking of tying his feet and tugged him to the bed.

"Babybabe, I love you...you love me..We're best friends like friends should be. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you...won't you say you love me too?" Gasgas ang boses niya nang kinanta niya ang I Love you song ni Barney.

He cupped my face with his big hands. He was adorable when he sang it, but not literally when he spewed his puke on my chest. I suddenly detached my arms away from him.

So fucking gross!

Lumagpak siya sa sahig ng balkonahe at nagpunyaging gumapang sa loob ng bahay na parang isang boratsong alimasag.

Pumikit ako ng mariin. Nangangati akong sigawan siya.

Huminga ako nang malalim. Nanatiling mahinahon kahit gustong-gusto ng sumabog.

***

A knock on the door bothered me from sweeping the floor the next morning.

Pinunasan ko ang mga patak ng pawis sa aking noo bago binuksan ang pintuan.

"Maayong buntag. Naa ko'y tuyo. Asa si Devon?" bungad ng ginang.

Malaki at malugod na ngiti ang pinakawalan niya na umabot pa hanggang mata niya. Litaw ang mga kunot sa kanyang mukha dahil siguro sa katandaan. Mga nasa bandang 50s na ang ginang.

"Po?"

"Maningil kog utang."

"Utang?"

May binigay siyang listahan. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Nakalista sa papel ang mga inumin na nagkakahalaga ng limang libo. May perma ni Devon sa ilalim. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali ito lahat ang nainum nila kagabi. Utang iyon lahat.

I couldn't believe him!

Domoble ang galit ko. Binayaran ko iyon gamit ang sarili kong pera.

***

"Dev. Can we talk?" I asked him one afternoon.

Pagkatapos niya akong sukahan sa kalagitnaan ng gabi ay naisipan niyang magpahinga muna sa pag-inom. Pero may pupuntahan na naman siya. Sana hindi tungkol sa alak.

"I have things to do," he replied with a toss of his head walking leisurely to the door.

"No. You're not going anywhere, Dev. Mag-uusap tayo o makikipaghiwalay ako sayo."

Napahinto siya sa pagpihit ng doorknob. Lalabas na naman siya at para umuwi lamang na lasing.

Balawis ang pagsara niya sa pintuan. Marahas niya akong hinarap. The look in his eyes was tortured and furious at the same time.

"Hindi ko maintindihan kung anong problema, Dev. You have been sulking yourself in alcohol. I know there's a problem between us. I gave you the time for yourself baka iniisip mong masyado akong mahigpit. Pero sobra naman ata ito, Devon. I couldn't just stay blind. This is too much! For fucking sake! Palagi tayong ganito kung hindi natin pag-uusapan ang problema!" I ended my rant with a huff.

His jaw visibly pulses.

"Problem?" panunuya niya.

"Tell me, Dev. I might go crazy thinking what's really the problem." pumiyok ang boses ko.

Sa pagod dala ng mga pangyayari naibunton ko sa kanya ang lahat ng frustrations ko. My eyes were swollen beyond relief. I hated the sight of it. He did not elaborate something when he reeled around, avoiding my confrontation.

He gave me the reasons to leave him. I was so sick of everything!

***

June 20th. Seven thirty of the evening. I packed up my stuff.

I was planning to go back to Manila and faced my Family. I went downstairs carrying my black suitcase with my pent-up frustrations.

I turned around. He was sitting on the floor of the kitchen, resting his back on one of the drawers.

"Don't leave me, please. Forgive me, Eirene. I hate myself for what I have done to you."

He sobbed like a child.

"Then give me reasons not to leave you. Show me you have the courage to work through our problems. To learn how to talk to me when we have problems, and I'll stay." I challenged him.

"You're here, yet I couldn't find you elsewhere. You promised, Eirene." namamalat ang boses niya. "Why would you break it in front of my grandma? Why would you break it without me? Para akong umaasang ulol. Kaya ko namang maghintay kahit gaano pa iyan katagal pero bakit napakasimple lang sabihin sayo sa iba na wala akong pag-asa sa darating na hinaharap..."

If love makes you vulnerable, then I'm willing to be vulnerable for him. If loving meant desperation, then I'm willing to be desperate for him.

He was tortured of his doubt and fear of not marrying me.

I dropped the luggage. I walked to him. I crouched down on his feet. He stared at his drenched eyes.

"I'm sorry, Devon. Papakasalan kita sa tamang panahon. You know how much I love you..."

I kissed his lips. I straddled him. I put my ear to his chest. I patted his knee for reassurance.

His thumb grazed over my cheek. Yinapos niya ako sa mga braso niya.

He took my hand, sandwiching them between mine. He kissed my forehead down to my eyes, nose, and lips.

"I'm sorry too. I'm an asshole for not talking with you. For not letting you explain. Forgive me for treating you so poorly these fucking days, babe. I won't do it again."

Relationship was not all about sunshine. There's always the storm and rain.

His lips greedily captured me, feeling more than ever how connected we were. I never wanted to fight with him again.

He broke the kiss, and searched for my eyes. "You're mine."

Our eyes had the same rapacity for each other. Our hearts thumbed. Heat renewed and kisses intensified.

Ibinaon niya ang mukha sa buhok ko. "Voglio sentire il tuo corpo tremare sotto di me. (I want to feel your body shake beneath me)"

There was no theoretical in his movements. His hands held so much strength. My legs parted instantly. He slipped his hands inside me. Hinila niya lahat ng telang nakabalot sa aming katawan.

He took my hardening nipple to his mouth. I let him, stroking his hair while his fingers on my swelling canal. My juices coated his fingers. He licked the remains of my release.

There was endless round of making me scream, making me cry both heaven and pain.

His gaze consumed me. The couch on the living room rattled by his erotic and desperate movements, morphing our faces into the most euphoria.

My jewel happily wallowed him. My breast and my cheeks were blushing. Our organs were welling. Our blood was singing in high notes. Our bodies were squirming in delight that carnal shadows moving sensually in the wall.

Spurt after spurt, climax after climax, he emptied himself until he there was nothing left in him.

"I love you, holy heaven, Eirene."

That was the last thing I heard before my eyes closed.

Periedot Spiels