Chris trying to hold it together above.

TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter talks about suicide and the aftermath of death so please proceed with caution and sensitivity!

absquatulate

(v.) to leave without saying goodbye

Late last night, Vijay Kapoor had polished an entire bottle of bourbon off before taking one of his numerous expensive cars out for a spin. Late last night, Vijay Kapoor had drunkenly swerved off the highway and wrapped his car around a metal pole. Late last night, Vijay Kapoor was wheeled into the hospital as he bled out in the operating theatre. And early this morning, Vijay Kapoor was declared unresponsive– time of death, 4:30AM. The sequence of events felt so quick. So insignificant in the grand scheme of things. As if those few hours trickling by hadn't just tilted Kiara's world off its axis, carelessly battering her heart in the process.

Kiara didn't remember much of what happened after she heard those words. Only that she was standing one minute and the next, she was on her knees and clawing at her chest as if her heart was too large to fit. It felt as if someone had ripped her heart out, held it in their fist and just squeezed. She remembered Chris rushing to her side, nothing but pure panic in his eyes as he simply held her to his chest and let her scream. Then there were hands all over her as everyone tried to console her as best they could but nothing seemed to work. She just kept screaming. They didn't understand– couldn't understand, that the devastation was physically hurting her. She remembered him scooping her up in his arms and carrying her to the car as they made their way to the hospital.

Grief was a living and breathing entity, shadowing every move with harrowing eyes as it drained the life out of everything it touched. Kiara felt its spindly fingers wrap around her as she took in the cold, lifeless body of her best friend. There were no tears despite the overwhelming sorrow in her heart, but the time for tears would come.

Gently guiding Kiara away from the morgue, Chris observed her worriedly before turning to speak with Kabir in hushed tones. As per usual, the police had chosen the worst time to begin their questioning and demanded she come down to the station immediately. Letting Jimmy take over, he watched as the bodyguard firmly held her close and directed her into the car.

After four hours of gruelling interviews and interrogations as the LAPD discerned any possibilities of foul play in Vijay's death to eliminate other causes of death, Kiara was well and truly exhausted. An older gentleman wearing an unforgiving scowl and an intimidating air of authority introduced himself as sergeant Kennedy before diving into the details of her best friend's death. As expected, he had been abrupt and thorough in his descriptions, ensuring there was no room left for doubt before dutifully asking for any additional information but she couldn't stand to be there for any longer.

Barely registering the thousands of cameras shoved in her face, Kiara drifted through the chaos around her like a ghost as her security detail pulled and pushed her in various directions. She remained uninvolved with her surroundings, blankly staring into space as she refrained from interacting with anyone. She didn't care for the hundreds of condolence messages blowing up her phone. She didn't care that everyone she walked past shot her pitying looks. She didn't care that with each painfully long second, Chris was growing more and more fraught with concern. She simply didn't care. Not when the world kept moving without Vijay– he was simply a stop before the train carried on. She could already feel the numbness settling in her bones after reading his final journal entry:

Kiara– my soulmate, my reason for living, my greatest gift.

You once told me love was indescribable. That it needed to be felt not understood. It's only after meeting you that I realised you were right. By the time you read this, I'm likely to have already passed. When I'm gone, I'll be the wind in your face. The sunlight brightening your day. The sea lapping at your feet by the shore. So smile at me from time to time, will you?

With love,

Your endlessly grateful best friend– Jay

Refusing to leave Kiara alone until she asked him to, Chris led her into his home as he carefully directed her to the living room. Setting down the worn leatherbound journal– the only remaining doorway into Vijay's mind, she numbly took a seat beside him at the table. Of course, Chris still didn't understand that she was working up the courage to say goodbye. He didn't realise she had made up her mind, replaying Vijay's death over and over in her mind as she steeled her resolve.

He grimaced as he met her cold eyes, void of its usual spark, "Are you okay?"

Letting out a sad sigh, she uttered one simple word then turned and left the room, "No."

He scrambled to his feet, hurriedly chasing after her as he begged, "Kiara! Stop! Kiara, wait! Please!"

He caught up to her, running ahead to stand in front of her, "Please just listen to me."

Kiara was tired. Tired of always making sure everyone else felt okay. Tired of being the one that ended up hurt. Tired of losing the people she loved. Chris tentatively brought his hands to her shoulders, keeping her in place as sergeant Kennedy's words remained imprinted in her mind– "we know you were already aware of his suicidal ideations, Mr Evans".

She finally looked at his face and unfeelingly said, "You didn't tell me. Why didn't you just tell me?"

"I did it to protect you. I didn't want you to carry the constant burden of guilt and fear something like that holds over you. Because I lo–"

She cut him off, squeezing her eyes shut as she raised a hand to stop his words, "Don't. Don't you dare finish that sentence."

She spread her arms out as she grew increasingly agitated, "Just please... tell me the truth."

Kiara brushed Chris' hands off her shoulders and turned to face the other way, unable to watch the heartbreak she caused.

He grabbed her hand, "I love you. You told me to tell you the truth. That's the truth."

She shook with the effort to remain unaffected, "How long?"

"What?"

"How long have you known of this suicide plan?"

"A year."

Watching as Kiara fussed over Vijay after his drunken mistake of a night, Chris leaned against the doorway and frowned. When she eventually left to prepare breakfast, he pulled Vijay aside to talk.

Chris frantically spoke in jumbled sentences, his mouth seeming unable to catch up with his mind, "So yesterday after you stumbled in drunk and Kiara made sure you got in bed, she told me to check on you and I did. But then this leatherbound book fell off the bedside table–"

Interjecting before he continued rambling, Vijay groaned, "Dude, get to the point."

"One thing led to another and I found myself knee deep in your journal entries."

He raised his brows in surprise but remained silent as Chris proceeded with caution, "I know about 'selfbana'."

At the mention of that word, Vijay turned his head and clenched his jaw but still remained motionless in fury. With a little research, Chris had uncovered the meaning of selfbana– one who kills himself. It was with this definition that he confirmed Vijay's suicide plan, which currently consisted of either drug overdose, drunk driving accident or an extreme sports incident. He had read through Vijay's thought process, realising the man intended to pass away in a manner that gave Kiara the least opportunity for blame so he could ease any guilt she would inevitably feel. He had always planned to die and while she hoped otherwise, meeting her had simply delayed the inevitable. He could merely be grateful to have experienced the kind of unconditional love only a soulmate– whether it be romantic or platonic, would provide before he left this world.

Dying by proxy of the aforementioned three methods along with the narrative of Vijay being an impulsive and reckless celebrity would ensure any accusations of Kiara's failure as his best friend were negated. Somehow he had managed to morbidly formulate an ingenious plan so that even in death, he still won.

Instantly regretting his snooping, Chris quickly backtracked, "I know it was none of my business to delve into your journal but you have to speak to somebody about this," pausing to catch his breath, he quietly mumbled; "you have every right to be upset but please, take my advice."

Eyes dead and chillingly emotionless, Vijay turned to face Chris again and released an indignant huff as he smiled sardonically, "I wanted to go in peace. It was never my intention to stick around for long. The only reason I am still alive today is because of Kiara but I have lived far longer than I ever expected– certainly more than I wanted."

"Wh-what? You don't mean that, Vijay."

"This weight on my shoulders, the overwhelming self-loathing and guilt that I feel... it's all too much. I promised her not to speak of suicide again so thank you," speaking in a much softer and more lethal tone, he elaborated; "You have not only violated my privacy, but also broken my promise to her."

Speechless as he realised the gravity of his actions, Chris wracked his brain for any ideas on how to make the situation better. Nothing seemed acceptable after the way he just infringed Vijay's personal thoughts.

He quietly pleaded, "I'm sorry."

Remaining firm in his resolve, Vijay exhaled sharply, "If you truly mean that, then don't tell Kiara."

"What?"

"Promise me."

"I can't! Anything but that."

"Fuck that, you owe me this. Promise me."

"No, please. You can't ask me to lie to her!"

"Promise me."

Inhaling deeply, knowing he would come to regret this choice, Chris nodded, "Fine but only if you promise to talk to me. I don't believe this is your only choice."

"Sure. It won't change the outcome but if eases your irrational guilt, then okay."

Tears welled up in Kiara's eyes as she tried to stay composed. Anything Chris said felt like an excuse, lies made up to placate her temporarily while he tried to come up with something believable.

He continued, desperately trying to explain himself, "It's my fault that he hadn't received help sooner, maybe we could've intervened and now there's nothing I can do or say to make it better because he's gone. I just didn't want you to be in pain."

She spun around furiously, her hateful stare seeming to pierce through his heart, "What about the pain I'm feeling now?"

"I wasn't–"

"You lied to me all this time."

"I was trying to pr–"

"Protect me, I know. If this is what you think love is, then I can't–"

"Kiara!"

They remained silent for a moment, breathing heavily as they simply just looked at each other. All their cards laid out in the open, no more façades or lies.

Kiara sighed, "His death wasn't your fault."

Shoulders slumped, she looked at Chris through dismal eyes, "I read the autopsy report and his journal. Jay drank too much and drove too fast just as he intended. He made his own decisions but do you know what your fault was?"

The veins on his neck stood out as he strained to hold back tears when she stepped forward and jabbed at his chest furiously, "Trying to control me. Being in love doesn't give you the right to make decisions on my behalf."

He grasped at straws, already feeling her pull away from him, "I was scared you wouldn't forgive me. I-I tried to tell you but the words just didn't come out."

Her hands shook as she pressed them against her neck, "If you were just honest with me, I would've forgiven you."

Pressing her fingers against the frantic pulse in her neck, she continued, "We would've gotten through this together."

For the first time, Chris was speechless. He didn't know what he could say to fix this anymore. This time he'd gone too far. He tentatively grasped her hands, silently begging Kiara to understand.

She shut her eyes tightly, leaning forward to rest her forehead on his chest, "Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

She took a deep breath and looked up at him, "Like no one else does."

"I can't help it."

"If you keep looking at me that way, I'll stay."

"Then stay."

"I can't be with someone who I don't trust."

He inhaled sharply, answering carefully, "Please, don't say that. You know that's not true."

"How?"

Tugging her body into his, he brought his forehead to hers, "Scream at me, hit me, put me through hell," he laughed in frustration; "I don't care. Just... don't do this."

Shaking her head and walking towards the front door, Kiara ignored the sound of Chris falling to his knees as he pleaded with her. The agonising sounds seemed to follow her as she left, haunting her thoughts.

She paused before the door and, without looking back, whispered, "Goodbye, Chris."

Remaining stiff the entire walk across the driveway, Kiara maintained her stoic façade until she entered her car then crumbled against the seat as her knuckles made a sickeningly loud thump when she hit the steering wheel. Violent sobs wracked her body but she had nothing left to give. Resting her head against the car seat headrest, she let the anguish wash over her.

Watching the door helplessly, Chris willed Kiara to come back and tell him this was all one bad joke. He didn't know how long he stood staring blankly at the front door as he wished this were all just a terrible nightmare that would disappear in the morning. She needed space and that's exactly what he would give. He'd visit her tomorrow if only to remind her that she wasn't alone and to let her know he wouldn't give up so easily. Tomorrow would be a new day. They could survive this.

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