First, it's important to know - there are no wrong or right feelings, nor good or bad feelings. Feelings just ARE feelings). What you do in reaction to them may be right or wrong, good or bad, but the feelings are ALL ok. They are a guide to our world, they alert us to areas of our lives that need attention, as well as areas of our lives that are going well.

There are three steps in dealing with feelings.

Step 1. FEEL THE FEELING (this comes automatically). Note, some feelings are felt in various areas of our bodies. For examples, that butterfly in the stomach is usually felt when a person is falling in love. Or, the lump in the throat may be felt when trying to not cry. Or, a person may feel "week in the knees" when feeling scared. Those are a few examples - there are many more body sensations that indicate feelings are going on.

Step 2. IDENTIFY THE FEELING Many children are raised by parents who don't know how to validate feelings. Those parents are better at teaching the child to "not feel", or to suppress or hide their feelings. For those who have been brought up stuffing feelings, identifying them can be hard. When you spend a lifetime denying your feelings, it's hard to name them. That's where the feelings list a few chapters back comes in handy. Use it to identify your feelings.

Step 3. EXPRESS THE FEELING Again, this is not something taught in dysfunctional families. So, it doesn't come easy either. For those of us brought up in dysfunctional homes, we learned too well to not express our feelings. By not expressing them, they have stayed inside us, and each time we suppressed our feelings, they just built up, layer upon layer.

Feelings can be expressed in two ways. One is to talk to someone you trust, and tell that person how you feel (use the feeling word). Or, if you are the type that doesn't like to talk and tell about your feelings, or are afraid you'll be bothering someone, then you can take a piece of paper and a pencil or pen, and write your feelings down.

The first way gets them expressed (gets them outside of yourself) - as the words exit your mouth.

The second way gets them expressed through your hand movements as you hold and maneuver the pen, to write the words.... in other words they come out through the tip of the pen.

Once you've done the three steps, your feelings may be very intense, as they are at the surface instead of "stuffed down". Don't be alarmed, or scared of this. It's a necessary part of dealing with feelings. I've found for myself, that when I'm doing feelings work, if I allow myself to feel the feelings, no matter how much it hurts, after about 20 minutes, the feelings subside (or go away), and I'm then feeling much better.

Once a person learns how to deal with feelings in a healthy way, instead of acting them out, they find out they don't need the mind altering 'crutches' that so many reach for. You know what I mean by crutches? Things like: Alcohol, drugs, sex, cutting, or any other type of mind altering  behavior or addiction.