Chapter 31: L-O-V-E

"I can't believe this is happening."

Tessa whispered the words so low that they came out barely louder than an exhaled breath. She darted a quick glance at the man sitting in the driver's seat beside her, but he made no response. He must not have heard her above the rumble of the engine. Just as well, Tessa thought. Her anxiety level had risen far too high to allow for polite conversation.

She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to focus on her breathing - in and out, in and out, in and out - just the way Dr. Regan had taught her.

It was no use. All the breathing exercises in the world couldn't quiet the chaos going on inside her head. She could barely even think at all at this point, but she couldn't allow herself to give way to panic. She needed to relax. Relax, relax, relax. Her mind cast about wildly for any other tricks of the trade that her therapist might have taught her.

Meditation? Biofeedback? Yoga?  What else?

Make a list?

Tessa's eyes popped open as the answer came to her. She could almost hear Dr. Regan's voice, droning inside her head:

"When you're feeling overwhelmed, a useful first step is to make a list of problems to overcome. Sometimes, just seeing your worries written out on paper can make them feel less insurmountable."

OK. Make a list. Tessa didn't have any paper on her, but at least she had her phone. She opened up her Notes app and started to write.

Problems:

1) I'm not inside my house

2) I'm 10 minutes away from my house

3) I'm going to be 20 minutes away from my house

4) I'm going to a concert

5) It's going to be crowded

6) Eric Thorn is going to see me

7) I'm going to meet Taylor

Tessa stopped after the last one. Her finger was shaking too badly to continue. So much for making lists. This was supposed to be relaxing? Her heart had been pounding relentlessly all day long, but it had just kicked into a higher gear with that last item: "I'm going to meet Taylor."

That was the one that scared her the most, somehow. And it was also the reason she knew she had to go.

Maybe she just needed to concentrate on that one thought. Stay focused. She was going to meet Taylor. Tonight. It had to be tonight. She'd never get a better opportunity. God knows what kind of strings he had to pull to make this concert happen - in Midland, no less. Twenty minutes from her home. And if that wasn't enough, she had Nev and Max from Catfish here to hold her hand through the whole ordeal. She didn't even have to drive the car.

She'd first written to Catfish casting months ago, after she'd found out that Taylor was a boy. She'd forgotten all about it until an MTV producer contacted her out of the blue the other day to vet her for the show. Now here they were, in this very car with her. Nev sat in the driver's seat with his eyes fixed resolutely on the road, and she could feel Max's presence in the back seat just behind her, taping B-roll of the passing scenery.

Nev and Max were counting on her to go through with it. They'd come all this way to help her. She couldn't flake out on them now.  And she couldn't flake out on Taylor either. She had to meet him, no matter how much the thought of it made her head swim and her heart pound and her blood pressure skyrocket. She had to put her doubts about him to rest, once and for all.

The funny thing was, Taylor didn't even fully understand why she agreed to come tonight. He still seemed to think that it had to do with Eric Thorn - that the prospect of seeing her idol in person was enough to lure her out of her house. Not that she didn't love Eric. She did, in a way. But she didn't love him.  She knew the difference between fantasy and reality.

Tessa began tapping more notes on her phone:

Eric = fantasy

Taylor = reality

But was that even true? Wasn't that what made her so nervous to meet Taylor? Maybe he wasn't reality either. Maybe he was just a different kind of fantasy. . . .

She knew he was hiding something from her. She'd sensed it from the very start, and he'd finally admitted it to her over DM a few weeks ago.

"The truth is, there is something I haven't told you," he'd said. "But I can't tell you over Twitter."

Tessa had hardly slept a wink since that conversation took place. She'd been in a state of perpetual insomnia, filling page after page of her journal with all sorts of wild speculation. How could she possibly trust him enough to let him see her face? A stranger. A confessed liar. She must be insane. She shouldn't be doing this. She should be at home in her bed, with her bedroom door locked and her window blinds shut and her covers pulled up tight over her head.

It wasn't too late.  The wheels were in motion, but she could still bring the whole thing to a screeching halt. Tell Nev to stop the car. Turn around. Take her home. She could end it, like she should have done months ago when she unfollowed Taylor. She should have trusted her instincts then. How had she let him sweet talk her into following him back? She should have unfollowed, and then she should have deactivated the account. That would have been the smartest thing to do.

Maybe she should still do it now. Deactivate, and disappear without a trace. One day there and the next day . . . poof.

But could she? Could she really live the rest of her life, never even knowing his last name? After everything he'd said to her last night?

She'd trusted him last night. That was the thing. She hadn't wanted to, but then he'd said those things to her, and her resolve had melted. She'd told him everything - the whole story about her ill-fated college career. She'd written it out, bit by bit, 140 characters at a time.

Those words were real. Reality. There was nothing fake about them. She'd trusted him last night. What had he said to her? How had he phrased it? Maybe she just needed to re-read the conversation.

Tessa tapped to open Twitter and scrolled backward, searching through the thread:

***

Timestamp 2/19/14, 11:23 PM

Tessa: I'm scared

Taylor: I know. I'm scared too.

Tessa: I'm not sure I can go through with it.

Taylor: Tessa, you have to. Come on. Don't back out on me now.

Tessa: I don't know. I'm starting to get freaked out. Like really, really freaked out.

Taylor: Talk to me. Tell me why.

Tessa: You know.

Taylor: No, I don't actually.

Tessa: Agoraphobia?

Taylor: But I don't know why. I still don't know what caused it.

Tessa: I can't.

Taylor: Tessa, what happened to you at college?

Tessa: Don't.

Taylor: I'm not trying to pressure you. I just want to understand. Maybe it would help.

Tessa: I should probably say goodnight now.

Taylor: No.

Tessa: I think I might try to sleep.

Taylor: No, no, no. Forget I said anything. Just talk to me about something. It doesn't have to be that. Just keep talking to me right now. 

Tessa: Why? Do you have something you want to tell me?

Taylor: I just want to talk a little longer.

Tessa: Why?

Taylor: I don't know. I'm guessing this is the last real conversation we're going to have before we meet...

Tessa: You mean, before I find out whatever it is that you're so afraid to tell me?

Taylor: I just want this conversation to go on a little longer. Just in case.

Tessa: Just in case... what?

Taylor: I don't know. Whatever.

Tessa: Just in case it's the last conversation we're ever going to have, period?

Taylor: It's not. It's going to be fine. You'll see.

Tessa: OK.

Taylor: Just talk to me about something else. What songs are you hoping Eric will play tomorrow?

Tessa: I assume he'll do the set list from the tour.

Taylor: You never know. He might be open to special requests.

Tessa: I'll be happy just as long as he does Snowflake.

Taylor: Really? The new single? I thought the die-hard fans always turn their noses up at the new stuff.

Tessa: No no. I'm obsessed with that song.

Taylor: Interesting.

Tessa: You know what it's about, right?

Taylor: Snowflake? No idea, but I'm guessing you're about to tell me....

Tessa: I mean, there's no way that song isn't about a girl.

Taylor: Possibly.

Tessa: He's never used the L-word in a song before.

Taylor: Is that really true?

Tessa: Never. He's danced around it before, but he's never come right out and said L-O-V-E.

Taylor: Well, it's about damn time.

Tessa: I just want to see the look on his face when he sings it. That's all.

Taylor: Me too.

Tessa: You do? I thought he was a douchenozzle. What happened to #EricThornSucks?

Taylor: I want to see the look on your face, when you see the look on his face.

Tessa: I don't know. It might make me sad.

Taylor: No way. I don't believe that.

Tessa: Just if it looks like he's really, truly in love...

Taylor: What? You'd be jealous?

Tessa: Not jealous exactly. It's more complicated than that.

Taylor: Doesn't sound that complicated.

Tessa: I don't know. I guess I just wish someone would write a song like that about me.

Taylor: Goddammit, Tessa.

Tessa: What?

Taylor: Tessa.......

Tessa: What?? Now you're scaring me again.

Taylor: I really want to tell you something right now.

Tessa: Go ahead. Tell me.

Taylor: I can't.

Tessa: Please tell me. I can't take the suspense. I really can't. It's killing me.

Taylor: One more day. Then you'll understand. You have to trust me, OK?

Tessa: I'm trying.

Taylor: This is not the last conversation we're ever going to have. It's not. It can't be. I'll still be here tomorrow to talk to you. Nothing's going to change that.

Tessa: You better be, cause you're the only one I have to talk to.

Taylor: You're the only one I have to talk to, too.

Tessa: So what, then? After tomorrow, we'll just be friends who talk? I help you deal with your shit, you help me deal with my shit?

Taylor: No. We'll be more than that. You have to trust me.

Tessa: How can you ask me to trust you when you won't even tell me the truth?

Taylor: It's just the details. I'm telling you the truth. I'm telling you right now.

Tessa: What? What's the truth?

Taylor: The truth is...

Tessa: TELL ME

Taylor: OK. OK. I don't know about Eric Thorn and his cheesy-ass songs, but I do know  that I love you. 

Taylor: I

Taylor: Love

Taylor: You

Taylor:For real. That's the truth.

Taylor: Do you hear me, Tessa?

Taylor: L-O-V-E

Taylor: And I need you to remember that tomorrow. Whatever else happens, just remember I said that, and I meant it. Because it's TRUE.

Taylor: Are you there?

Taylor: OK whatever, Tessa. I guess I'll just see you tomorrow.

Tessa: No, wait. I'm here. I'm crying.

Taylor: Don't cry.

Tessa: I'm crying because I love you too-

***

"Tessa? Earth to Tessa?"

Tessa's eyes had started growing misty once again, but her head jerked up now at the sound of Nev's voice beside her. "Huh? What? Did you say something?"

"What are you up to on that phone of yours, anyway?"

"Nothing. I was just-"

"Are you ready for this? We're almost there."

"No. No, stop. Wait."

"What is it?"

"Wait," Tessa said again. "Pull over."

"Tessa, it's six-"

She waved an arm to cut Nev off, and motioned him toward the shoulder of the road. Her eyes were glued to the phone again, but not to the same place in the conversation.

A new message had just flashed across her screen, added to the end of the thread.

"Pull over, Nev. Something happened. Change of plans. Taylor just DM'ed."

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